Thoughts, Scattered.

....Like the wind at times.

Cross-Post Rant Ahead.. "I'm DONE"

Trust me when I say... it's taken me from approximately 7:20am to 10:37am JUST to calm down enough to write.  Waking to indifference each day is grating on my nerves and sucking the life out of my life.  I'm not in the greatest of moods at the moment, and I'm not about to pretend I am.  It's been one HELL of a morning... let's just start there, shall we?

Okay, so all of my life I've believed that the old saying "Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT" is a damn good foundation for anyone's life.  Half-Assing ANYTHING reveals a lot about a person.  And by 'half-assing" I mean not putting everything you have into what you're doing.  Not to say your "everything" may not be on the same level every day, but putting in 100% of what you can is all anyone can really ask.  And why not?  Why would anyone do anything less than 100%?  When you take shortcuts you leave someone else to make up the difference in distance you weren't willing to go.

NOTE:  As always, unless I'm writing something aimed at someone in particular... the word "You" is used loosely and not meant to point fingers at anyone here.

My health is bad--I've spoken of this a lot in my blogs.  Dealing with one confirmed AI disease (AIH) and going through the paces of confirming a second means.. I'm NOT in remission.  I won't BE in remission for a very long time (I'm told).  The blood work COULD very well improve, the numbers will improve and possibly quickly, but 'remission' is more than numbers.  I won't go into all of that, but suffice it to say every single day is a battle to get through.  So here I am living with someone who, by nature, does ONLY what he can get away with and not a scintilla more.  What does this mean?  It means I have to take up the slack.  I not only have to do what I need and have to do, but I have to take up the slack from what he only does PART-WAY.

Half-Assers are a HUGE pet peeve of mine!

Look, I realize there will be days, times, and situations where you may have to take a short cut or do what you can in that moment.  But I also know that there are things that HAVE to be done correctly, thoroughly.  I mean, you can only short-cut your way through things until you end up with a completely and totally chaotic mess that SOMEONE ELSE will ultimately have to deal with.  Why the hell would you do this to someone, especially someone you claim to "love"?

This morning, like so many mornings (every morning!) I found myself forcing my way through cleaning up after T.  And I mean, cleaning up as in it takes me some 45-hour JUST to pick up the slack of his half-assed whatever.  Have I spoken to him about this?  Of course I have, and 2 years ago, when it really began, I was very calm, loving, and discussed the matter with him in hopes he would see what he was doing.  I mean, he's a grown up, and I'm not his mom.  He can pick up after himself, because he's no Ward Cleaver and doesn't treat me like Joan.  The family of the 1950's and 1960's are GONE.  Marriage and relationships aren't centered around women being in servitude.

Now, women who are treated with respect, treated kindly, appreciated.. will do almost anything for their guys.  It's how we're wired.  We're wired to be caretakers, caregivers, at least most of us.  However, when taken advantage of we often will begin to back off from all those things we once did easily, eagerly, and happily.  When taken for granted... we don't see any reason to continue giving when there's only taking from the other side.

And please, don't confuse this 'give and take' with material things or money, etc.  Because those things don't bring happiness, not ever.  What I'm talking about here is doing one's part in the relationship without placing the blinders on and thinking it's really just all about the other person doing all the work.

I've been in a relationship where everything was dumped solely on my shoulders.  People who know me, who pay attention, find out quickly that I can't be bought.  You can't buy your way out of unhappiness.  You just can't.  Being poor and happy is FAR FAR superior than being well-off and miserable.  Money can't get rid of unhappiness.. I really can't stress that enough.

Doing your part, that's what it's about.  Not placing necessary pressure or expectations on the other person is what it's about.  Respecting the other person's time is what it's about.  And soooooo much more, or course.  But when it comes to half-assing your way through chores because you know the other person will take up the slack for you... that's a sure-fire way to turn that person off, long-term.  And good damn luck getting them to be turned on again.

Being taken advantage of is not good foreplay.
Being taken for granted is not good foreplay.
Doing and not doing things that make the other person's life more difficult.. is not good foreplay.
Being overtly, blatantly lazy isn't sexy.
Indifference isn't sexy.
Ignoring someone isn't sexy.
Not respecting the other person's space, time, and needs isn't sexy, nor is it good foreplay.
Being mean, hateful, abusive.. isn't sexy, and it makes for LOUSY foreplay.

You treat me like shit, I'm going to shut down.
You abuse me, mentally, verbally, or physically.. and I'm going to shut down and NOT be into you.
Take me for granted and I'll stop doing things for you.

It's taken me years to get to this point, and I've been a welcome mat for a couple of people and won't ever allow myself to do that again.  I don't need anyone THAT much.  If I'm treated badly, eventually I won't feel anything at all for you, and you're going to find out that you really just can't un-ring that bell.

You can't buy me or my love.  I'm not for sale.  If you do something you claim is out of kindness or whatever, and you use it against me later.. you've given your true motive away!  Once I SEE you, what and who you REALLY are, I won't be able to see that 'other' person ever again.  Once you blow it, you blow it.

T is lucky in that there's still about 2% hope here.  This morning was just about the final straw, but I fought and worked my way past it, and I'm telling you it was DIFFICULT!  He knew, too.  He knew the moment I pointed out to him what he'd done.  He tried to backpedal, tried to reassure himself that he'd not blown it VIA me.  But what was done was done, and the disingenuous nature of what he did wasn't lost on me at all, and it broke something inside and change, again, the way I see him and feel about him.  Being disingenuous is exactly like lying, and I'm DONE being okay with men who lie to me, either by omission or right-out.  DONE.

That 2% of me that is still open to his finding a solution and fixing the whole disingenuous thing is stretched very thin.  He's running out of time.

Honesty and respect are MORE important than love.  My last relationship taught me that, opened my eyes to the fact that without those first two things.. LOVE CAN'T EXIST!  Love CANNOT exist in the absence of honesty and respect.

Besides struggling through a VERY PAINFUL morning trying to finish half-assed attempts at whatever, I also had to deal with the tuning me out thing, the thing where he pretends to vaguely respond because he knows he didn't hear a thing I just said.  No matter... I don't repeat myself anymore.  I do let him know, however, that I get that he didn't hear me and that all the begging in the world to repeat myself isn't going to make me do so.  After a year or more of this not listening/tuning me out thing.. I've grown intolerant to it.  I've told him that, fine, if he's that disinterested in what I have to say then I'll simply 'tell someone who gives a shit.'  He doesn't like it, but it's no longer about what HE likes and doesn't like anymore.  I've taken the first step in getting MY life back, replacing the disrespect he shows towards me with my own SELF-RESPECT; something I really should've done a long, long time ago.  Better late than never, I say.

So this morning was NOT a good morning.  But I'm going to spend the remainder of my day taking care of myself, focusing on what I can do to help myself heal, and incorporating those things that will protect me from further harm from anyone, especially from the person I'm living with.  Yes, I still have to work through the damage from the past relationship, but that's already underway and will help with my current situation.

Well, that's where I am today.  It will get better, and I will keep persevering... as long as I can.

Oh but will you?

Undeniably, the mind, the spirit, and the body are ALL interconnected.  And if that sounds like a 'duh' statement, that's because it is.  Yet it still needs to be said for the sake of clarity, for me to point out the obvious that even I can see.  In such a chaotic and jumbled mess, being that of any relationship, the power this has over one's actual physical well-being is also undeniable, and yet sometimes I often look the other way and ignore the connections when I can't do anything about them at the time.  A little on the destructive side when you think about it, right?  Yet.. I'm human and prone to very human faults and so on.

Well okay, so do something about it, right?

Easier said than done.  Not impossible.  Just not easy.

My reaction to stress, anxiety, tension, etc. is just as human as it gets.  Some days are better than others, and most days I just go with it and trust that there's a reason I'm reacting to my circumstances in ways that aren't always best for me.  For the good of the better, the other person, the situation, and in complete line with seeking harmony I allow DISharmony to enter into my own personal space.  That's the cost, that's the price I pay, for wanting someone else to have the peace I rarely have myself.

And the echoes of impending broken promises do little to serve me.

Trust is a funny thing.  I trust the appearance of honesty and am often disappointed.  No wonder since I don't do much in the way of trying to understand if what I think I'm hearing or seeing is genuine.  I've done this in the past, extended trust where I shouldn't have.  But don't we all do this?  Either way, you'd think I'd learn, right?

I have learned in some ways but choose to allow that unrelenting romantic in me to believe that, like magic, all will be well and shining and happy and new.  Silly.  Absolutely silly.  Yet there it is in my current and past history.  Can one really polish a relationship like a silver spoon?  Maybe, but like that alluring and fickle metal... it will tarnish again if not tended to.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life polishing shit.  I mean, does that even make any sense?  No, it doesn't.  So why do I continue to do this?  Because I'm unhappy.  That's why.  Not that this is a permanent state, mind you, because all of us have the power to change our circumstances and reaction to them.  I keep telling myself that I can and will, and that little voice inside continues to ask... "Oh but will you?"

*shrugs*

As long as I don't give up, as long as I'm absolutely clear on what it is I need to be happy, healthy, and thrive... I'm not entirely lost to regaining the control I need in my life to make it different, better, mine.  I don't want to live someone else's life.  Do you?  Does anyone really?

Saturday

Tomorrow is Saturday, and the day my Shakeology is to arrive.  I have a plan, a fairly well thought out one as plans go, and I'm not mentally preparing to go this alone as no support network actually exists for me.  But the lack of a support system during these endeavors mustn't be the reason I don't try.

It's not like I can't do it on my own, because I can.  It's the motivation factor when things seem difficult or complicated, such is the case when you're taking steroids, that a good support system becomes your saving grace.  I've learned the hard way over the last several years that it's okay to need help, to want support during difficult times, and to not feel guilty about asking for that help.  It's easier now since I don't have those people in my life anymore who made me feel bad for wanting or needing emotional support during difficult times.

Over the course of each day I look for my motivation, signs of life if you will, and accept what it is that I find, and even what I don't find.  There will be bad days, and there will be good days, and every step forward, though painful, is still a step forward.  I can do this.

I.  Can. Do.  This.

My goals sometimes change by the day, and on occasion more than once in a day.  Rolling with the punches means adapting to anything new and finding a way to get right back up again, even if I've been soundly knocked on my ass.  The stressors are still here as well, and I try to overlook, ignore, and otherwise block out those things if I possibly can.

As I sit here and feel the pain return in my back, where my kidneys are, I'm evaluating how much I'll be able to do today.  It's different every day, and I accept that fact as simply my reality as it stands right now.  If I don't listen to my body I will pay the price---you guys have heard me say that a few times and, well, it's the absolute truth.  So what WILL I be able to accomplish today, other than the usual paces I put myself through no matter what?

I wish I had somewhere else to retreat to, somewhere that I can be absolutely free from the pressures here in my immediate environment.  Realistically, the only retreat right now is a set of Bose headphones and music; it's how I block out the world when I've simply had enough.

Yeah... I know I'm rambling and all over the place today.  Today?  Well, it's become 'situation, normal' for me right now, but it's just the way it is.  So be it. I'm going with it because I don't know what else to do.  However, my goal was to unload the chaos and focus on what's to come.  When the Shakeology stuff arrives on Saturday I will be mostly prepared... emotionally anyway.

Did ANY of this make ANY sense whatsoever?

*sigh*

Health Infusion via Shakeology

Some of you guys remember where this all started--my quest to get my health back.  And if you've been there throughout the journey from cardiac ablations for 3 arrhythmias to the current diagnosis of Autoimmune Hepatitis.. then you know how this has gone and what I've been through over the past few years, especially the last two.  At one point, about a year ago, I decided to add Shakeology to the mix, to replace breakfast and have a good, solid, nutritious start to the day.  That infusion of healthy goodies was a GOOD thing.  Did it fix my issues?  Of course not, because I had no idea I was dealing with AIH at the time.  But it did me some good nonetheless.

I've reinstated myself into the program again, with this time not as a sole source of weight loss, but as an overall step towards better help and feeling good.  I'm wrapping that package up with Weight Watchers--because it's the most realistic WOE that there is.  But I feel pretty good about my decision.

Challenges are there in the form of prednisone side effects, one of the biggest being constant hunger.  I mean, real hunger that doesn't let up, with no satiety really being reached but for a couple of minutes tops.  This is a big one when you're trying to get healthier, lose a few pounds, and get your shit together.  I have to face that monster every single day while on Pred, and it may linger for some time afterwards.  The BIG question is: When is AFTERWARDS?

Afterwards is a huge question looming overhead at the moment.  Some people are on medication (pred, Imuran.. or both) long-term, sometimes indefinitely (though that's mostly the Imuran or other immunosuppressant).  For many the medication stays on-board for about 2 years, in which case another liver biopsy will be performed to confirm remission.  TWO YEARS on prednisone.  TWO!  Even at a low dose of 5mg-10mg the effects on the body, both good and bad, are significant.  So at what time does the prednisone become low enough in the body to allow things to return to normal, or close to normal, and weight loss and good health begin?

If only I had the answer.

The effects of prednisone, btw, can last up to TWO YEARS even when it's completely stopped.  This means low adrenals etc. can still wreak havoc until the body begins to produce cortisol on its own again.  Yay.  Not.

No matter what, this is a necessary evil (Prednisone).  Without it I stand a significant risk of AIH causing such damage as fibrosis--leading to cirrhosis--which at some point the liver becomes mostly non-function and a transplant becomes necessary.  This is, of course, the worst case scenario brought about by leaving the situation untreated.  As you can see, Prednisone really is the necessary evil.

So be it.  Here it is.  My 'new normal.'

I'll be glad when my Shakeology shipment comes in the mail.  Just saying...

Because the Discussion Changes

It's not in one place.  If you're new here, this is what you need to know about my blogs.  The problem with putting all thoughts into one place is that looking for relevant information becomes a treasure hunt of sorts where you only find the dragon in the end, rather than the gold. Okay, so I'm not saying what I have to say from one day or one moment to the next is 'gold,' but my sense of humor is working overtime today... just bear with me on that, okay? ;)

This Free Spirit is one such place, the newest in the corridors here.  It's kind of my safe place, in a way, though visiting the ghosts of the past is often the case.  "Abuse Bonds Broken" is, for me, a way to help myself, and to help others, who've dealt with malignant narcissists.  It's really not always about the worst of the situation, nor is it always just about purging the demons.  My goal there is to help, but to also bring healing for myself in the process.  And process, I do.. more times than not, this is exactly what I'm doing there.

The stories and such aren't often pretty.  But life with a narcissist and emotional abuser rarely is, right?  In essence--you're not going to find unicorns there.

Where Fireflies Dream is a place where the sun is SUPPOSED to shine a little brighter, where life is a little lighter, fuller....  But let's face it; as life smacks me up-side the head on occasion, the lines between the great and not-so-great begin to blur.  In essence--you won't often find unicorns here either.  But I'm trying...

All Things Ephemeral .... because the discussion changes.  This was the original blog, the one where most of the laughter, contemplation, silliness, passion, and tears were cast upon the pages.  It was overwhelming at first, really, because there were NO lines drawn between anything; it began as a place to purge anything and everything.  This also used to result in many posts being deleted.  Yes, I still do that on occasion, delete posts, but very rarely now.

Boo's Juicy Bits  Well, now THIS one has gone absolutely rogue, I have to admit.  It began when I started juicing, then evolved as I embarked on a healthier diet, then went completely rogue because of the health issues that have come on board.  This blog... let's just say ANYTHING could end up here.

Why?  Because the discussion changes!  And because we live in a world that has become increasingly indifferent, where people can't 'concern' themselves with the emotions, experiences, etc. of another human being.  This is not accusatory, by the way.  It's simply a sad fact.

While not everyone is safely wading in that comfortable pool of ones own life, some are simply unable to step out... be vulnerable.  No matter.  These blogs... are just me stepping out of that comfortable place.

Talking Out of Turn

Let's just take a moment and think about what makes us who we are, all of the intricate cracks, splinters, pieces of who we were, barely recognizable, all just a scattered mess unless we take time, real time, to put it all together again.  And it's never ever nice and neat or like it was before, is it?  No, we mostly just end up a glorious and colorful mosaic of experiences and dreams all glued together haphazardly by a frantic and shaking hand.  The end result is still beautiful, and yet still leaving beauty to the eye of the beholder.

Regret can't be a part of this process if you want to come out on the other side a victor of your own war.  And yes, it's definitely war.  Some of you know what I'm talking about here.  It's a lot like walking into the light after extreme darkness.. only to find out you've just stepped out of the place that offered little risk.

As this ever-evolving work of art that all of us are shifts, we make adjustments in order to re-fit and replace ourselves within the environment we're most used to.  Change does that, you know, makes it so there's just enough discomfort to force us to wiggle a bit inside the cocoon.  And good for you if you DO change, because I'm telling you that if you don't... you'll live in that discomfort until you do.  There simply aren't any other choices.

"I am still the same!"  Pretty much, this is the truth, yes.  I'm still the same person I've been my whole life, it's just all the pieces that make me who I am are rearranged a little differently now.  In essence, this means I'm still the same but having to learn how to fit into my environment again; and this never stops.  Go with it, learn, be malleable to life's shifting scenery.  It's what needs doing.

I'm doing just that.  Why?  (see above).

The shifting scenery of late has been more like an earthquake; the pieces are still falling.  What do I do?  How do I adapt?  Hell if I know.  I just have to adapt.

No one asks 'where' I am in my life, what I want to do, where I'm going, where I want to be or how I'll get there.  No one asks.  And if I offer, unsolicited, I find myself basically talking out of turn, because the story is always about someone else.  Mostly, I'm okay with that.

If I don't speak, don't talk about this, I'm really just standing in a wasteland of a static environment that holds no actual future for me, not to mention I'm basically waiting for the debris to fall and crush me right where I stand.

Fuck that.

.....Does this many ANY sense to ANYONE at all?

Or am I still talking out of turn?

Still fighting to find my bearings

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.

PART 1: I wasn't supposed to be... awake.

But I was... the entire time during the procedure.  It's not exactly the nightmare they make movies and write books about, but it more than surprised me, and it most DEFINITELY surprised the radiologist performing the procedure.  Really.  I was supposed to be asleep.

I arrived at the hospital yesterday morning to have a liver biopsy done.  I'd already researched enough to know what to expect, talked to people in the forum I belonged to to hear their experiences.  I wasn't expecting to be this surprised.  Oh, but I was.. and in more ways than one.

When the radiologist came in with another doctor to talk to me about the procedure, what to expect, how it will work, etc., he mentioned HOW they were going to access my liver.  Now, this is where the first surprise came in...

He began telling me that Dr. S wants things done a particular way and that the procedure I'm having is "tricky" because it involves entering the jugular vein and inserting a wire that will be able to reach the portal vein in the liver in order to check the pressure there.  He began telling me the risks to the heart and lung and liver.  I listened, but I was confused because I thought I was to be there for just the biopsy and didn't know anything at all about checking the portal pressure.  Skipping ahead...

We talked a little about the procedure, and the radiologist reassured me that Dr. S was very specific about what he wanted done.  I asked if anything bad had ever happened during the procedure with anyone he's done it on and he said that the only thing that has happened in his (long) career was one patient's heart went out of rhythm and wouldn't go back in, so they had to stop the procedure, send him to the cath lab to shock his heart back into normal sinus rhythm.  Ok.  Only one event.  So I said..  "Ok.  Let's do this."

The Dr. assisting the radiologist explained about the two medication that I'd be given, that I wouldn't be put completely under but would be unaware of what's going on and wouldn't feel anything, except perhaps the lidocaine they would use on my neck where they would make the tiny incision to access the jugular.  He said I would just 'sleep' through the procedure and would not have any recollection of it at all once it's done and I'm awake.  I was familiar with this because I'd had a heart cath in 2013, and ablations on my heart in 2014... so that twilight sleep I know about and have experienced.

...Off to the OR we went.

Once on the table the anesthesiologist told me she was giving me the first dose of sedation, and that it would be done in stages until they're ready to begin the procedure, then she added "The lidocaine may bring you out of this for a moment because it stings, but it will be brief."  By the time they were ready to begin I was loopy as hell, but I was awake.  One last dose was given, because I was awake... and I think I nodded off for a minute or two.  Then I was awake again.

Awake, aware of my surroundings enough to hold a conversation.

I heard the radiologist say he was administering the lidocaine.  Oh yeah---I definitely felt that.  But it quickly receded and I felt nothing in that area.

I felt the cath wedge go into my jugular, and I continued to feel it go down my chest, felt something strange with my right lung, felt it proceed past my heart--to which my heart fluttered a little--and then nothing... for now.

I heard every word said, heard the radiologist talking to the doctor that was there, even remember hearing him calling out the numbers once he began reading the wedged pressure and free-flowing pressure.  I remember the numbers exactly.

A couple of times the anesthesiologist raised the blue drape over my face to look at me, and I returned with a smile.  Then... they changed Caths and went back in to take the biopsy samples...

The first "snap!" I heard had only a little discomfort with it.  The second "Snap" was a bit more painful and I said.. "Oh, that one smarts!"  This was the first time the radiologist knew I was awake.

"How much did you give her?" I heard him ask the anesthesiologist.  "She's awake."  She responded with the dosage she'd given me, and he said.. "Wow.  I would be on a vent if I'd had that much."  He has a smile in his voice, so I know he was just joking a bit. Plus I was familiar with this radiologist as he'd done the biopsy on my thyroid nodule a year ago.  He's good guy, a really skilled radiologist.

So the third "Snap" I heard came with significant cramping across the entire front of my ribcage, where the liver is.  And oh yeah.. THAT one definitely hurt.  And folks, I have a high pain tolerance for stuff like this, having kids, etc.  So when I say it hurt.. I mean it.

Once they were finished they removed the blue drape and one of the nurses told me she was applying pressure to the little hole where they'd entered the jugular.  She told me there may be a bit of a bruise there and that she was sorry if the pressure she was applying hurt.  It really wasn't that bad, and I told her so.

As I lay there with pressure being applied to my neck the anesthesiologist came over and apologized that I felt pain and explained she wasn't sure why I remained awake.  I assured her that it was okay and that the pain I did feel didn't last a long time, that I was okay.  They returned me to recovery.

I told my nurse there what happened, and she looked at me as if I'd grown a third eye. lol  The other nurses turned around (my bed was right next to the little desk where all the nurses sat) and gave me a look of horror. haha   Hey, no events... so to me this was a good procedure.

I'll have the results in a few days, I think.  But I don't believe I have portal hypertension at all.  I believe Dr. S just wanted to make sure due to some of the symptoms I was having.  As for the presence of any cirrhosis... I don't believe that's the case either, or Dr. S would've seen the prominent veins in my esophagus etc. when he did the EGD a couple of months ago.  What I DO expect is to see  if NASH is actually present and to what extent, and if there is any fibrosis or not.  I fully expect the outcome to be okay, with perhaps  NAFLD or maybe NASH if inflammation is present.

Boo's Juicy Bits....

I've strayed more than just a little from the intended purpose of this blog.  But then, maybe I didn't if I'm simply following the course of events while trying to regain my health and happiness again.  At the basis of health and vitality there is nutrition, and I STILL believe wholeheartedly that a plant-based diet is the best course, as long as you follow the rules and not get yourself into trouble with deficiencies.  I had an undiagnosed iron deficiency which made things very difficult as far as eating vegetarian.  It's okay, though, because correcting the anemia and replenishing absent iron stores takes precedence over focusing on a vegetarian diet.  What I needed the most was iron-rich foods, and HEME iron at that.  But this is really not the focus of what I'm trying to say here....

Back to the health and vitality part...

In order to have emotional/mental vitality, to be at the top of your game, to live strong, feel strong, to THRIVE... you of course need to have good health.  Seems like a conundrum, doesn't it?  It is.  And it isn't.  Though that's not to say it's easy trying to find out what came first.. the chicken or the egg.

So yes, this downward spiral of health began a few years ago, and in THAT respect I can recognize very well, in retrospect, which came first.  Emotionally I was fighting a losing battle, at odds with someone I loved immensely, and wrongly trusted with my heart AND my mind.  I made a mistake in that, sure, but the damage was done and it wreaked major havoc on my health.  I'm STILL dealing with the after-effects.  It's a process.

Choosing to work through this on another (new) blog, "This Free Spirit," is helping.  But actual healing is going to take much more than that--this I know.  Stuffing the emotions down via new age voodoo isn't going to do it, because it's STILL there... even though you've lost access to those feelings.  I promise you, this is the very LAST thing you should EVER consider to try and 'rid' yourself of damaged you've sustained to your 'self' by others, or by your own doing.  There are far too many ways to help people ESCAPE the feelings.  But again, those methods only BURY them deeply so you don't recognize what it is that you're dealing with anymore.

The ONLY way to truly heal is to FACE those demons head-on, because they really suck at being quiet or laying low.

Seriously.

Here is the part where I CHOOSE to change my focus, while still acknowledging what I'm dealing with.  Here is where I return to the intended purpose of this blog---health, eating, etc.---while still sharing life effects that remain a backdrop to such endeavors.

Life...

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

In the light of day

....everything seems better.  Be careful of that facade.

If I had the energy at night to write these entries, I guarantee you they would look much different.  The accumulation of the day's stresses become a bit more blurry in the light of morning; just a fact. At night I'm very clear on how I feel about things, what I really want to do about them, and I'm in-touch with the severity of the damage being done.  How am I supposed to find solutions when the problems scuttle away to hide near my subconscious when the sun rises?  I say "Near my subconscious" because I'm well aware that they're there, it's just that it becomes easier when facing a new day.  Kind of ridiculous on my part, you know, allowing that to happen.

It's indifference and lack of humanity rearing it's ugly head again.  This permeates everything I do, want to do, and try to do.  I've lost my resolve when it comes to relying on myself for strength, guidance, self-esteem, and so many more important and necessary matters.  How did this happen?  How did I become so complacent in my own undoing.... yet again?  And, is there a way out?

Yesterday I had the first part of a two part stress test.  If you don't know how those work, the first part is all about placing your body under monitored and rigorous stress; in this case, exercise.  I'm not talking about normal exercise, but the kind that has NO warmup and NO cool-down, and you jump right into raising your HR as quickly as possible.  The low end of the target HR for these tests is 145 BPM, and the goal is to go as long as possible with the incline (on the treadmill) raising, and the speed raising every 3 minutes.  It's pretty rough, which is the point.

I was only about 5 minutes into the test before the burning in my chest started, then the pain that went through to my back.  No, that wasn't a heart attack, though you certainly can feel those things if a heart attack was happening.  In this case... it was angina (chest pain), and the tests and imaging done afterwards are to determine IF something is wrong and WHAT that something is.  I had an EKG machine hooked up to me the entire time, so if something really bad were happening they would have  known.

I had to call off the test--which is how it works btw--due to the chest pain and being unable to breathe well (understatement).  The test stopped abruptly (as is the protocol with or without problems arising) and I was told to sit down.  The pain began to subside as soon as I sat down and was completely gone shortly thereafter.  By the time my HR returned to normal I was fine.  I have no idea what the significance is (if any) of that experience, but I'm sure they'll tell me eventually.

The second portion (resting) will happen on Monday November 2nd.

I might add that they place an IV port in your arm when you get a test like this; one reason is so they can inject the tracer (radioactive contrast solution), and the other is in case of emergency they can begin administering medications, etc. immediately.  I will get the same tracer on the resting portion of the test on Monday.

So where am I going with this and what does it have to do with 'indifference'?

Usually I read through a heart disease forum I belong to so I can see what experience others have had with any given situation.  In this case I read up on events during stress tests, ones that match my situation.  Wasn't good, what I found, but I'm not one to panic or get worked up over something that is probably NOT my issue.  I do, however, like to be informed--it's the smart thing to do.

I passed what information I found about the occurrence on to T.  No reaction, no concern, not a thing.  Now, one thing I didn't mention is that I was SUPPOSED to get the second half of the stress test TODAY.  Why am I doing it on Monday?  T has taken me to a few of my appointments due to my serious sleep deprivation lately... in order to avoid accidents due to my sleepiness, etc.  He has a TON of acquired leave accrued and will lose them if he doesn't use them, so he's schedule his leave on days when I have an appointment.  I'm grateful, no doubt about it.  But I'm concerned, still, of the indifference he has, that he swears doesn't exist.  And trust me--it exists.

I've had to deal with some serious health issues, and am STILL dealing with them.  There's some situations that are now 'watch and wait' situations, and that's just the way it is.  But when troublesome symptoms occur... I don't have anyone to tell or talk to about it.  It's not a good idea to ignore the symptoms, and well... I guess I'm just in that place where I'm unsure about how long I can continue doing this.

I would take a bullet for the people I love to save their lives.  Period.  But what I won't do is risk my life by remaining in a situation that, well, risks my life.  So what do I do about it in the meantime?

There's so much more I need to say about this, but in keeping things in context it will have to be in separate posts in order to keep things straight....

.....I'm going to post in my other blogs today, too... it's time, isn't it?

Testing patience, and those damn zombies.

Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah.  No.. patience is a skill!  I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat.  Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough.  Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health.  Enough is enough.  Right?

I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.'  What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite.  While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation.  It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent.  Some of this most people already know.  In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person.  And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.

Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure!  Funny, I know... but absolutely true.  When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps.  If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.

If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.

There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it.  And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category.  If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there.  Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust.  And by "personal social network" I mean just that.  Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.

The enablers...

These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you.  This is neither appropriate or helpful.  There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.'  People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.'  There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation.  But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do.  These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope.  They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire.  Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.

The Borg...

Think I'm kidding here? lol  I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain.  As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them.  These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse.  Sounds crazy, yes?  These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger.  And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation.  Steer clear of these types!

The zombies...

Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do.  Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so.  They feel nothing, and they're relentless.  The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one.  Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest.  Period.  Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing.  Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?

While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable.  This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all.  This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.

Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being.  Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must.  But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.

My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person.  Truth.

Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah.  No.. patience is a skill!  I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat.  Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough.  Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health.  Enough is enough.  Right?

I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.'  What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite.  While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation.  It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent.  Some of this most people already know.  In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person.  And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.

Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure!  Funny, I know... but absolutely true.  When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps.  If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.

If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.

There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it.  And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category.  If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there.  Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust.  And by "personal social network" I mean just that.  Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.

The enablers...

These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you.  This is neither appropriate or helpful.  There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.'  People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.'  There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation.  But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do.  These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope.  They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire.  Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.

The Borg...

Think I'm kidding here? lol  I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain.  As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them.  These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse.  Sounds crazy, yes?  These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger.  And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation.  Steer clear of these types!

The zombies...

Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do.  Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so.  They feel nothing, and they're relentless.  The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one.  Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest.  Period.  Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing.  Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?

While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable.  This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all.  This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.

Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being.  Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must.  But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.

My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person.  Truth.

Running interference

"STOP!"  Some words have lost their effectiveness.  As many times as I tell myself to stop with the stupid internal dialogue it has yet to have any real effect on me.  Damn, but my inner child is stubborn as hell!  But then, all of me tends to be that way.  With a lack of a support network I'm left to my own devices, and the on-screen blabbering of an indifferent internet to fill that void.  Guess what?  NONE of it's working.

Inspiration, more specifically the lack thereof, squashes motivation before it even gets out of the gate.  Am I saying I'm uninspired, then I would have to say "YES!"  Knowing my situation will only change when I facilitate that change (personally) is enough pressure all on its own, but when I'm told my my cardiologist that I can't exercise until after I have the nuclear stress test and get the results, well, that really puts a massive damper on things.  And waiting is just another level of hell.

My subconscious is raging against all that's happening, behaving like a willful, spoiled brat, and one in which I can't exactly order to go stand in the corner somewhere.  So the tantrums ensue, unchecked.  Yippee.

Yesterday I saw an orthodontist about an oral device that will help with this mild sleep apnea.  While waiting in the office I thumbed through a huge binder filled with handwritten testimonies of people who've gotten this device (which is a lot like what you wear to protect your teeth if you grind them in your sleep).  Anyway, encouragement and hope literally poured from the pages, and I actually felt myself on the verge of tears at the thought that "I" could really feel THAT good again.  There are things I still need to do with regards to my teeth, like get a dental implant for the one I cracked severely from years of grinding my teeth, so that will slow things down a bit.  Waiting... has never been my strong point.  Delayed gratification sucks when it's something this necessary, vital even.

For every night I spend in poor sleep, I wake to feel as if I'd not slept at all.  So how is it that I'm going to be able to wait for the next few weeks in order to deal with the process of getting that dental implant?  How in the hell do I make myself okay with feeling like THIS for yet a few more weeks?  I really don't know that I can do it.  BUT, I have to.  They can't have them make that oral device before I have the other done because it won't fit.  Ugh.

As my subconscious rages, as it seeks to pout and crawl into a deep, dark hole where it can sulk in private, I'm left with the aftermath of its childish behavior; depression, hopelessness, sadness, bewilderment, and at times anger.  Screw this.  My subconscious and I need to have a damn talk!

I really could use a support network right now.  Having to admit such a frailty is really uncomfortable, I'll have you know.  Over the years I've changed from someone who was open, okay with expressing feelings and allowing them to flow through me so I could deal with them, to someone who refuses to cry in front of anyone, to show my vulnerability, and to even express my needs.  This unpleasant change began a few years ago and has continued to hold onto the part of me I want back.  I feel like a damn hostage inside my own body.  Wtf?

Free me...

PART II: You can't treat me this way

I no longer care if I'm heard.  My resolve is strong enough that I can take things from here.  My guess is that many guys shrug things off and feel justified in their indifference, and I am more than okay with that right now.  I'm in a place that indifference, silence, and flipping the switch to autopilot just gives me more time to focus on what I need, healing, happiness and health.

Give me enough space and I will build a universe!  And yes, L, you may quote me on that. ;)

Even when I resort to the introvert side of me, or if I'm venting in order to sort through the muddle, I'm a LOT stronger than you think.  Don't underestimate me, because others have and discovered quickly that I don't require their help, blessings, or support in such matters.  If it comes down to the wire... I've got this!

Yes, it would be nice to have people close to me who are supportive.  But I've long since learned that it's not an actual requirement in order to succeed at my goals.  of course, there is a lot that's to be said about having a good support network when you're going through difficulties.  Still, if that network and support isn't there, I have to resort to my own devices.

This is where I am right now.

....Will continue this soon...

Blast from the past

I guess it's kind of weird, really, that my dreams bring in people I knew some 20 years ago.  Weird, but not at all bad.  I think the last really awesome guy I ever dated was back when I worked at the Biloxi Belle in Biloxi, MS. It's a memory I don't actually visit, but one that visits me.  I don't feel melancholy or sad, but I do think it's strange.  I won't even begin to guess what it means, because I think that it has a lot less to do with HIM than it does with ME, who I am, who I was, and who I should be.  Back then I was able to be who I was without any seemingly limiting people around me.  Gosh, that was so very long ago, and during a time when my decisions were mostly the right ones.

In the wake of a 12 hour night

Insomnia is the usual case for me, especially over the past year.  Very difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult waking up.  It's not that I don't wake up, it's more that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do.  This has been destroying my quality of life for some time now.  And last night was an unusual event as I slept for about 12 hours.  I do have to say, however, that it wasn't an unbroken sleep.  But even if within that broken 12 hours I managed to get 11 hours, I can feel a bit of change today.  Hasn't resolved everything, but I feel somewhat different.  This has to be brought under control.  And this... effects EVERYTHING about my life.  EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, after I have a fairly decent night's sleep I wake up feeling odd, too aware of everything.  I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell you the truth.  In fact, it's quite unsettling.  In the fog of sleep deprivation and other limiting health issues it's almost a Godsend to have reality blurred somewhat.  I know it sounds crazy, but you don't know my life.. not really.  My 'life' hovers on the edges of that blurred reality for the most part, and when the lines begin to sharpen around what I've been ignoring and the stark reality of what actually IS...my anxiety builds.  Why?  Well, isn't it obvious?  Frankly put---I don't like my reality.

Changing my reality:

I've not given up.  I'm searching for answers.  If those answers are WITHIN me, then those things are buried DEEP, because I can't seem to access them at all.  So what's next?  Yeah, you hear that a lot here, don't you?  If I had the answers to that I'd already being doing it, trust me.

Still, I have to compartmentalize everything these days just so I can deal; I think we all pretty much do this.  I guess the trick is to not completely seal everything off.  *shrugs*

Healing.  Healing is absolutely NECESSARY to getting back to myself again.  I have to heal in mind, body, and spirit.  No matter what, I will have no quality of life if I don't heal.  So how do I do that?  How do I heal while in a place that isn't conducive to healing?  THAT is the million dollar question.

I'm stuck:

What do I do?  Where do I go?  How do I start?  When do I start?  How long will it take?  Which path is right?  Will I find my footing?

There isn't a single soul around that I can talk to about this.  The few people I have to talk to I can't open up to.  It's difficult to talk to someone who's not listening.

There's nothing that instills mistrust in another person than trying to talk to someone about something critical, important and having them shrug it off as if it's insignificant.  I'm not a fool, and I can tell when someone really could give a shit less.  All it takes is once, and I won't open up to that person again...

"Sorry to hear that.  Hope you feel better soon."  Wow.  Can't tell you how much this one puts me off.

Platitudes are not only insulting and hurtful to me, but they make you look shallow and self-absorbed.  Seriously.

It's been said that we live in a 'ME ME ME' era, and I have to agree.  Opening up to another human being, wether a friend or relative, is almost pointless these days.  At least it's been this way for me.  And...this is why I have blogs.  Opening up to people usually just brings on the deadpan platitudes that actually make me feel worse.

Does anyone in this country give a shit about anything at all?

Even T is deadpan, self-absorbed to the point of not seeing or hearing or feeling anything about anyone around him.  Most of all me.  But I'm adjusting to that, which means... my feelings toward him are changing radically, and now... irreversibly.  He was warned about this some time back, so he knew the risk of maintaining the status-quo.  Once I accepted that I have to focus on myself in order to heal, to get well, to reach for a better quality of life, to be happy, hopeful, and vibrant... things became both easier and more difficult at the same time.  I never expected this to be easy.

Back to sleep...

My dreams tell all.  I tend to dream a lot these days, and I dream of a reality that isn't, or at least used to be, MY reality.  I'm never tired, sick, painful, or alone in my dreams.  When I sleep.. I'm exactly where I want to be in my waking life.  I know what it is that I want, and my subconscious is showing me every single night how vastly WRONG my actual life is.  Many times I absolutely hate waking up.

It's going to be a long process, reaching my goals, and I will have to remind myself each and every day what those goals are.  I will also have to do everything in my power not to give up, because what happens in the reality of my life makes me want to give up.  This isn't a good thing.  At all.

So, what now?

I am...

I am a person, a human, a woman, someone with feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, intelligence, passion, and a heart.  I feel, breathe, think, love, hope, hurt, give, and bleed.  I am sensitive, patient, empathetic, sympathetic, spiritual, and I feel deeply what is sent my way.  My pain is real.  My joy is real.  My love is real.

I am real.

Because I am, I feel.  Because I think, I feel.  Because I breathe, I feel.  Because I have a soul, I feel.  And what I feel is exactly everything.  When you speak, I feel your words, and when you don't, I feel that as well.

I hear you when you're not talking.  I see you when you're not there.  My mind, soul, spirit and heart remembers everything.  I feel everything you've said, done, not said and not done, and it has changed parts of me, of who I am.  But I will find a way and strive each and every day to heal, to restore all that I once was.

The parts of me you broke with your words and actions, or inactions, are still there.  Every shattered part of me holds on and waits to be healed.

I am healing, though much slower than I'd hoped.

Inside there are are pieces that aren't mine at all but harmful remnants of an experience that threatened to change me completely, insidious shrapnel of an emotional war I never wanted to be a part of.

I'm passed the part where I forgive myself for willingly allowing myself to think everything I experienced was okay.  I apologized for allowing so much harm to be done as I did nothing.  I no longer ask myself 'why' I didn't exit much sooner than I did.  I've come to the conclusion that some things I will most likely never come to terms with, maybe not even completely heal from.  I can't say goodbye or get closure from someone who basically didn't actually exist.  Realizing that everything you thought you knew about someone wasn't real is beyond difficult, because there is no one to say goodbye to when the relationship ends.

I will heal.  Eventually I will be fully me again.  But there is much to sort out even now.  The wound opens time and time again because closure wasn't possible, and I work to forgive, repeatedly repair the damage that never seems to fully heal.

Anger is part of the process of letting go.  In the stages of loss, which happens with breakups, one must absolutely feel every stage.  But who am I to be angry at, sad over, etc?  The person I fell in love with, in the end, revealed so much about themselves as their guard went down that I didn't even recognize them.  At all.  I was allowed to see what they wanted me to see early-on, and I fell in love with THAT person, a person who disappeared completely and was replaced by.... a stranger.  I did not recognize that person and never saw the one I'd fallen in love with again.  So when things finally ended, there I was, wondering who I was supposed to say goodbye to.

More on this later as it's bigger than I'm able to speak about or even deal with in-short.

Is this the beginning of getting back to me again?

To speak in uncertain terms

I literally just wrote several paragraphs before deleting every one of them.  It's my state of mind at the moment, I suppose, really feeling like I need to talk about so much but finding the words impossible to convey what's needed.  Speaking my mind these days isn't always easy, and trying to speak my mind in uncertain terms usually ends up being the case.  Where did the girl go who could quite easily let it all flow out onto the page, or screen as it were?  Dammit.

Where is my voice?  Have I simply worn myself out by expressing what I feel and need?  Is there some cutoff inside that totally prohibits discussion on a matter that's been beaten to death with no resolution from the other side?  Where the hell is my voice?!

Too much going on.  Too much unresolved issues.  Too much indifference.  Too much passive-aggressive controlling from T.  Too many unspoken and unreasonable demands put upon me.  At some point a person under "Too much" gives in, gives up, or gives out; I tend to vacillate between all three.

When I speak, to whom do I speak?  That's a rhetorical question, btw.  I need to talk about what's going on with my health, my lack of any quality of life, my concerns, my needs, my life.  And yet, here I am pouring out what I need to talk about online, rather than talking about what I need.  Geez.  I'm starting to not make much sense, but I'm sure a few of you get where I'm coming from.  It's a familiar place to many, though probably not to all.  This place, this unhealthy place where I am right now, is actually making it more difficult to speak my mind.

Have I developed so much mistrust in people that I can't bring myself to actually say what I need to say?  This has been an ongoing theme in my life (and here) for quite some time now, and where I was once able to pour out my heart and soul and mind freely, it just seems as if every part of me that should be free is tightly shackled, gagged, and sedated by defeat.  That's not a good thing.

Once upon a time I would pour out my soul here.  Those of you who've been reading my blogs know exactly what I'm talking about.  Wether I was raging, hopeful, dreaming, wishful, happy, sad, surprised, or any other number of feelings... I was able to convey everything clearly right here, even if I weren't speaking to anyone else face-to-face.  So what's happened?

I know the answer already, though it's really difficult to say 'out loud.'  But as a first step to getting over this wall, or breaking it down, I can honestly say that I am a product of my recent history, and by 'recent' I mean over the last few years.

After being raged at and punished for speaking my mind the wall was built.  I really didn't know it was happening on all levels, but deep inside I knew, and I let it happen.  Frankly, it was absolutely necessary when it was happening.  The wall went up to protect myself, and now I can't seem to break it down again.

So, how does one get past this?  *shrugs*  Beats me.  But it needs to be done.  HAS to be done.

*sigh*

Our own personal static

Being present.  It's not always the easiest thing in the world, is it?  I mean, every single human being on this planet has to deal with pulling themselves back from their own personal static.  It's not about being falsely-focused during a conversation, but rather being genuinely interested, connected, even polite.  The static is always there, always real, and it makes us who we are.  In fact, that static of our own thoughts is a simple by-product of a complex intellect.  And we are all participants in self-indulgence, mired in the buzz and whir of, well, thinking.  There's just too much going on in our heads, right?

Wrong.

I can say with confidence that being ignored isn't one of my favorite things, and yet it is a daily energy-suck that refuses to let go of me.  I live with someone who is chronically in the throes of his own personal static.  Honestly, these days I feel like a ghost, invisible, and as if I have absolutely no voice whatsoever.  It's getting to me.

This entry sat in "Drafts" for some time now, and oddly.. it's relevant to what's going on STILL.  I'm personally tired of the static I'm surrounded by in my everyday life here with T.

More on this another time...