Thoughts, Scattered.

....Like the wind at times.

Audio Blog Continues....

Healing being what it is, and a very long process at that, I'll be audio-blogging for a bit.  The last few days have been seriously confusing, chaotic, and stressful... so that's what I end up with when trying to talk about it.  Fun, eh?  :/

Pushing for healing.

Shoulder still isn't well enough recovered for me to type much, so I've done another video in the meantime.  Heads up: I'll be doing more on diet, nutrition, etc soon.

Thanks for listening. :)

Risk for Redemption.

I played a bit with the idea of composing an audio/vid for myself, just something to remind me that there was, in fact, a time when I felt like a normal human being, when pain was minimal and sometimes absent, when I could behave normally, when restrictions of body (and now spirit and emotion) hadn't taken hold.  I know I used to feel better and actually participate in L I F E.  But for the life of me, my mind edits at will and separates the now from the then, the me I became and the me I once was.  So to keep it all in perspective... I made an audio movie with pics ranging from 8 months ago to 4 years ago, before this big crash in everything that is 'my life' and 'me.'

I was hesitant to upload it here (still am), but a friend of mine said "Do it.  Put it ALL out there, and to hell with what anyone thinks!"  It feels odd to see my own face all over this video, but... it's mostly for me anyway, something I can look at and recall that L I F E was there in me, and maybe.. just maybe... I will start believing again.  enough of the typing... arm aches horribly.

The compilation set as a reminder of where I once was in my L I F E and H E A L T H, remembering a healthier, happier me... taking a risk for redemption of myself, an apology to tell the woman I've become.... 'I'm so sorry I let you down."

What if...

What if I said I wanted to pour my heart and soul out to you?  What if I could, even for a very short time, find such trust that nothing, absolutely nothing would be off limits in what I could share?  What if I didn't hold back, didn't keep my entire heart's secrets walled off from the rest of me, and expose every one in such detail that it took your breath away?  What if... I told you a secret you'd never forget, no matter how hard you tried?

What if you could be surprised at the stories I hold inside?

What if I told you that I've never trusted a soul 100% in my life but that I'm willing to now?

What would you ask me if you could ask me anything?

What if I told you that you'd be surprised at who I'm talking to, and would you want it to be you?

"You've chosen lessons of pain"

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

Getting it all off my chest.

Well, it's a little cathartic to be able to vent, to scrutinize, to assess, to get it all out when something's bothering me.  If you want to know exactly what I'm talking about... it's HERE.  PART I and PART II were needed as this was, well, you'll see if you're curious enough to go there and read.  The discussion was about Beta men vs Alpha men and the necessary balance of power in a relationship.  I'm past that now, moving on, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do about my life as it is at the moment... not much of a life at all.  Aren't I always struggling with this?  Don't answer.

Exhaustion overcomes on the other side of stress.  I'm pretty much there at the moment and fighting like hell to defeat its encroachment.  What I'm left with is a familiar struggle to find my strength and focus again.  It's okay.  It is what it is.

I have to face each day like I don't remember the one before.  I can't allow myself to have any regrets, or allow the sense that I lost yet another 24 hours of my life.  There aren't any do-overs.  What I do is wake and think to myself.. "Today is the day."  It's a mantra of sorts, and one that has yet to actually work.

I'm spent.  Working on those two hefty entries has left me with virtually nothing.  So, if you're curious... click on the link above to read the most of today's crapola.

When I'm without my voice, music...

When I'm without my voice, music...

MIA

The last several days have been fraught with a fatigue and weakness unlike anything I've ever known.  Basically, for the last several days I've been pretty much bedridden, only able to sit up for a VERY short period of time.  Painful, tired, and weak, I spent what little time I was awake researching if there was a medication I was taking that could be doing this.  What I found was across the board complaints about every drug I'm on.  Narrowing things down to a time frame when I began getting worse I found that cessation of Prednisone and AZA kicking in were likely the culprits.  Here is where things get tricky...

Prednisone and immunosuppressants are the go-to protocols for nearly all autoimmune diseases.  At the highest dosage of 40mg/day I felt amazingly well, energetic, and somewhat strong again.  It was about as close to 'normal' I've felt in years.  With the first taper I began to feel badly again, but eventually had to come off with a slower taper which ended about a week ago.  AZA (Imuran) was added along the way and is something one is kept on long-term to stave off flares of the disease, in my case autoimmune hepatitis -- don't confuse this with visual hepatitis (hep C for example).  This is an autoimmune situation in which my immune system thinks my liver is a foreign body that needs, well, killed off.  Overlapping AI disease is also suspected here, but symptoms cross over and overlap to the point where it's difficult to tell what else is going on.  Myositis or Sarcoidosis are suspects here given my aldolase was highly elevated more than once, even on the medications.  It is within normal range since taking the imuran in higher doses.

FAST FORWARD...

I don't know which is causing this horrid weakness and fatigue, and other symptoms as well, so I opted to call the doctor to TELL him I'm stopping the AZA for a time to see if that's the culprit.  His response was agreement, BUT he wanted me to restart the Prednisone at 60mg per day!  I told the nurse on the phone, who relayed the message to me, that I wasn't going back on prednisone because the side effects were intolerable and it causes so much weight gain, which I've just now begun to lose.  I'm not going back.  She said she would relay the message to the Dr.  I have an appt with him next week and know I'm going to have to give push-back because I'm UNWILLING to take prednisone again.

I've just stopped the AZA yesterday and am not doing well as I'm still weak, fatigued, and wanting to sleep most of the day.  I have a feeling some of this will improve as the AZA leaves my body.

I know the risks.  I know and accept that I could have a big flare of AIH and my liver could be damaged because of it.  But here's the thing: I have to wage longevity with quality of life, and in doing so have come to the conclusion that I simply can't have both.  I'm choosing quality over quantity.

And hey, for all I know it could take a couple of years before I have a flare again.  But as for any other AI disease going on, be it Myositis or Sarcoidosis, no one has given another diagnosis as of yet so there's little reason for me to worry about those possibilities.  Having been on the treatment protocol for those, because it's the same as AIH, it's going to be tough trying to diagnose either due to my taking prednisone and AZA for this long.  Even so, all I can do is see how it goes moving forward.

I'm actually quite surprised that I can event type, because the last several days I've barely been able to hold up my iPhone while laying in bed due to the weakness.  You've no idea how bad the weakness is.

Another thing I have to deal with, which I'm not sure is a bad thing, is the loss of appetite.  I mean, I've gone back to FEELING that I need to eat, where my body gives physical signals that I may need nutrition but don't have actual HUNGER.  Also, this is the third day where it's not just a lack of hunger but also very early satiety.  I've been taking in less than 1,000 calories a day, which I will pay for dearly if I'm not careful, especially if I'm dealing with Myositis.  But that's another talk show.

So for now just know I have to play it by ear and see how I feel, because I may not be able to post here every day---though I do hope I can because that means I'm either feeling better or one tough chick for posting when I feel like I'm going to fall off the chair any moment. ;p  C'mon.. that was funny.  See?  My sense of humor shows up every now and then.

How am I managing through all of this?.... well, I have to admit that's a whole other talk show....

Nausea, diet, eating... who cares?

I'm trying my best today to touch base in all of my blogs.  Don't expect something scintillating or awe-inspiring, because I can promise you... that's not going to happen today.  I'm beyond sick with Prednisone withdrawal symptoms and am waiting for my dr to let me know if I can taper slower.. to ease the migraine headaches and nausea.  It's simply just too much to handle.

I've not decided if I'm going to continue the Shakeology.  And I LOVE Shakeology.  It's not about the cost or what it is or if it works (it does), but I'm unable to even stand at the counter long enough to make a shake at this point.  It will get better.

Basically, all weight loss efforts are put aside for the moment.  Maintaining my weight will be the goal, and achieving better health is the goal.  Once I'm at a point where my body isn't being torn down by illness or Pred withdrawal, I can focus more on weight loss.  At least at this time coming off the Pred has lowered my appetite and, as of today, obliterated it altogether.  I'm guessing what I'm going through is a necessary evil I will just have to endure for a while.

Remembering to be gentle with myself isn't always easy.

Somehow, some way, I will overcome all of this.

Weak. Tired....

It's been a few days, hasn't it?  Tapering off Prednisone is kicking my ass.  I'm so weak, cold, tired, dealing with nausea.  I'm about to go lay down for a bit, cover with a snuggly blanket and try my best to warm up and feel better; I really don't like that this has become my current 'Norm.'  When, oh when, will this start to improve?  When will I be able to re-join the land of the living again?

No answer...

I just can't sit here anymore...

I See What You Did There.

You're either part of the problem or part of the solution.  Anyone who's been in a relationship knows that if there's dysfunction there's damage.  In my case there's much damage to both my emotional state as well as my physical state.  It's not hard to understand the VAST difference between "Enabling" or "Supporting," and you have to pick a side eventually, right?  So when it comes to choosing which side you're on, use compassion, care, love when making such a choice, because you can easily break someone's will when you're pushing them in the wrong direction with every move or choice you make, with every word uttered, with every action.  At some point you have to ask yourself: "Who's side am I on?"

Let's hope your answer comes from a loving place, otherwise you've just embarked on a journey that could utterly destroy another human being from the inside-out.  Think I'm wrong?  Think again!  Here's how it happens....

Now, while I should be entering this in my blog "This Free Spirit," I'm beginning here.  Why?  Well, as some of you know I created this blog for talking about health and diet-related issues, and this particular entry deals with the emotional side of the success or ultimate failure of health goals when dealing with the lack of a support system and living with someone who is hell-bent on undermining my goals.  I guess I should copy this entry in the other blog as well, because it's incredibly important to know how closely related the issues of health and surroundings are.

Ever had one of 'those' friends who can't stand it when you do something to better yourself, your life, your health, your emotional wellbeing?  I think we all have had those people in our lives, right?  Sometimes it's a friend, other times it's an enemy, and there are times when, sadly, it's a loved one.  We give other people power over us, many times without realizing what we've done.  This is often the case with family, especially with a significant other such as a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse.  The damage inflicted by carelessness, indifference or overt sabotage is mind-blowing, and it's a serious undertaking to get oneself back on track when this happens, and especially if it continues to happen.

As you guys know by now.. I'm on Prednisone, which is KNOWN for massive edema (water weight gain), fat gain and redistribution.  Knowing what to omit or avoid in your diet while on prednisone is key to minimizing it's bad side effects.  Let's visit this for a moment, shall we?  And trust me, I'm going somewhere with this.

What to avoid, limit or omit while taking long-term, high dosages of Prednisone:

Salt.
Sugar.
Junk food.
Refined carbs.
Processed foods.
Fast food.

The list of what to avoid is pretty straight-up and not at all hard to understand when common sense is applied.  So if you're living with someone with dietary restrictions, and dietary restrictions are always due to a matter of great importance.  In my case there are several reasons ranging from avoiding the damaging effects of prednisone to having a heart condition and now high BP.

I've talked to T on many occasions in reference to what I have to do and not do to protect my health, and those talks have been over the better part of TWO YEARS now.  So this is not a new topic by any stretch of the imagination.  And yet he continues to do the things that he shouldn't do, and that is to bring home ALL of the items on the "Avoid" list, and he does so on a regular basis, citing he 'Forgot' or takes the stance that he just somehow just doesn't get this.  He has a 150 IQ, so how is it he  doesn't know or forgets?

Junk food, and TONS of it.  Processed food that now fills the shelves of the pantry.  If he cooks something (and these days he does most of it because I can't stand but for a few seconds, literally) he drowns the food in salt, mayo, or anything and everything that really isn't even remotely required.  And most of the time the food is pre-packaged crap that has little to no nutritional value.  He will literally forego cooking any vegetables, even the frozen kind you can pop in the microwave.  See, this is the part where being "Dangerously dependent" on another human being means risking your life and health.

One of the most horrid places to be in life is at the mercy of another.  It requires a great deal of trust to be at the mercy of someone, and when that someone does everything possible to undermine your health, your goals for better health, it becomes a dangerous, dangerous game.  I want nothing more than to have enough of my health and energy back where I'm SOLELY responsible for preparing my own meals.  The level of stress and anxiety that comes with being at T's mercy is through the roof, thus risking my health even more.  I have no idea what to do about this.

The shelves of the pantry, the inside of the fridge and freezer have mostly junk, processed crap that offers very little nutrition and a LOT of calories.

I talk and talk, I beg and plead, I send him links to read about the effects of eating that stuff to him... links he really just ignores as much as he ignores my text messages.  Who IS this guy??

Why do I bother talking to him?  Why do I bother sharing anything with him?  Why do I bother texting him, sending him emails, etc. when they go completely unnoticed?  He will read for an hour links and such people leave on his FB page, but he has NO clue what's going on with me unless I spoon-feed it to him.  I've grown weary of spoon-feeding him information and holding his hand to walk him through every...single...step of learning anything at all about what I'm dealing with.

Does he know anything about autoimmune hepatitis?  Not really.  What he knows is what I've told him, and I can't hold a seminar for him.  If he's not going to take the time or invest anything into learning, then why should I bother?  I've mostly gotten to a point where I don't--bother that is.

So what's really going on with T?  Well, given his habit of indifference.. there's really no telling if he's just being careless, or hell-bent on sabotage.  I don't believe it's the latter, but the former isn't any prettier nor particularly helpful.

It's time I sign off, complete a couple of other entries in my other blogs and wait for the Lasix to kick-in.  This means camping out in my room so I can be near a bathroom.  Lasix, btw, is a powerful prescription diuretic, so this is going to be fun.  NOT.

Wish me luck....

Inevitable

What a word, huh?  Stating my case for better health is a daily routine, one in which I decide when I wake up just how far I'm going to let this AI situation screw with my life.  Oh, I make the decision all right, but the powers that be seem hell-bent on proving me wrong.  Raging against this doesn't work, yet it gives me an outlet to expel the toxic waste of bewilderment.  So be it.

Weight loss, prednisone, diet, eating, choosing, and living with the ultimate consequences provide a messy framework in which I have to live.  This machine controls everything, as many of you know, and we KNOW it controls us because of all the hype with body-image, health, well-being, and the next, best and greatest health craze, fad, or obsession.  You know it's true.  I know it's true.  All of us fall victim.

The good news is that we can choose how we go about reaching for better health.  MY choice is to abstain from meat, and dairy... go vegetarian or vegan.  As it turns out, the autoimmune hepatitis and medication necessary to bring and keep it in remission poses their own health concerns, one of them being low calcium, osteoporosis (to name just one).  I can't skip the dairy, because supplements DO NOT WORK in this case.  I eat dairy, I take supplements for calcium and vitamin D... and yet my calcium is testing below normal.  Now, this could possibly (hopefully) change as I'm weaned off the prednisone.  But only time will tell.  In the meantime, knowing calcium actually helps a person LOSE weight, I know that I'm still fighting an uphill battle.  Prednisone puts on weight NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, lowers calcium in most cases, causes extreme water retention, lack of sleep/insomnia (which is vital to weight loss)... and so so much more.

At least I'm down another 10mg/day, so that's good news.  The Azathioprine is up to 150mg, which is supposed to help with symptoms from prednisone tapering, so there's that.  It's just a damn ugly process, is what it is, and the effects from using high dose/long term prednisone could last up to 2 years.  These realities become part of my journey to better health.

...Then there's the myositis situation.  WHAT am I to do with that?  Nothing, for now.  It's attempting to kick my ass just the same, though.

Ugh.

...I really wish T would finish putting the exercise bike together.  *sigh*

How the hell am I going to survive all this?.....

The Invisibility of Being.

Throughout my life I've been pretty thin-skinned, listening to others tell me what I should/shouldn't be, what and how I should think, do, say, dream... developed into an art form for me that damn near reached "Spidey Power" status.  No, seriously.  I would take and wear whatever anyone projected upon me like a shiny pair of Jimmy Choo's.  And trust me when I say that two-sizes too small absolutely made a difference in how I felt and carried myself through life.

Barefoot is better.  Know what happens when you go barefoot the majority of the time?  The soles of your feet get pretty damn tough.  Having grown up poor I had only one pair of shoes (cheap) at a time and wasn't really allowed to wear them outside if I were just playing in the yard, etc.  They had to last until my mom decided we could afford more.  I think I had the toughest feet of anyone I've ever known because of this.  The only thing that really hurt me was if I stepped on glass (which I did a few times, once landing me in the ER to have the glass removed), and when that California asphalt and concrete got hot enough to fry an egg on.  Even so, over time walking barefoot didn't bother me one single bit.

But what about the INSIDE?  Oh, but that was a whole different story altogether.  I couldn't walk my way through through the pain to being 'thick-skinned' and pretty much felt the weight of anything and everything that was said to me.  Criticism became truth, a 'reality' handed to me that I willingly took.  My childhood experiences weren't filled with encouragement or praise nor even helpful criticism.  Indifference and criticism, and many times complete withdrawal of love and affection were the tools used to shape the person I would become.

I was to become the child who survived.

In adulthood, that small child I once was is alive, and though not well, that part of me is AWARE.  There is still a disconnection of who 'that little girl' was and who I am now, and I still see photos of when I was little and feel such pity for 'that little girl.'  Yes, I know it's me, of course.  But the disconnection is still there just the same.  I want SO much to apologize to her and say "I'm sorry I didn't protect you!"

I've accepted this disconnection as a part of who I am, but I don't like it one single bit.  C'est la vie.

I remain thin-skinned, but my reaction to criticism, disrespect, and so forth is very different now.  I've allowed history to repeat itself in relationships I've had, and the reality of this has unprecedented tenure, so it would seem.  It will be with me the rest of my life.  Okay.  I'll just have to work around that when possible, right?

So here I am all grown up and stuff.  I can make decisions, change my mind, and walk away from anyone or anything that threatens my happiness; such are the benefits of being an adult.  Right?  Well, not exactly.  At least not for me.  That subconscious, that inner child, the child I actually WAS at one time so long ago, well.. she has a mind of her own and remembers the pain, the isolation, the indifference, the coldness, the invisibility of being... well, me.

Such memories carry over for the long-haul and map the course of life in often undesirable ways.  But it doesn't always have to be like that.  I can do more to help myself in that respect.  And I do.

On bad days, of which I have far too many these days, that inner child is the one who suffers most.  Sure, I feel the physical pain, and I feel the isolation of my situation and all it invokes (depression, anxiety, etc).  But it's what happens INSIDE that changes my world, my life.  All I can do is anesthetize myself with too much coffee, reading, and way too much television.  My physical body simply refuses to allow much more these days.  That's okay, because eventually the AIH and the 'possible' Myositis, both autoimmune, is driving the bus now, and not even my inner child can rebel against that and affect change.

Sitting here in the quiet, drinking coffee, talking about things I've not talked with a single other human being about...well, but for one therapist for a very short time, I can definitely say I recognize my life as it was, and as it still is; The invisibility of being... me.

This Timeline

After yesterday's major energy crash, today I find myself contemplating the things my mind wants to do that my body won't allow.  I didn't handle yesterday well at all, and I found myself wondering how much is going to get worse before it gets better, and just how am I to ride it out from day to day when even the simplest tasks are becoming glaringly impossible.  Where is this leading, when will it get better, and why can't I see my life's timeline anymore?

So I've ventured into another realm as of yesterday, and that is changing my diet radically.  The Prednisone weight will have to be put to the side at the moment, because I'm now having to deal with changing my diet so as not to be incredibly sick... let's just put it that way.  I'm now having to construct a pretty bland diet in order to stave off the turmoil that seems to have taken over my GI tract.  Yeah, I know.. not pretty.  It is what it is.

Bland chicken and rice, bananas, white toast (HATE white bread, btw), veggies, cooked carrots, etc.. is now going to become the norm until we find out how to get that $1,200 Rx.  We're trying a different route today, one that makes the dosage a little lower (have a copay card we're hoping will work with this dosage change).  Why on earth does this even have to happen?  Ugh.  Obamacare SUCKS and has messed up SO much with insurance.  Anyway, back to the topic at hand...

The bland diet will have to do until I can get that Rx.. which I needed at least a month ago.  The waiting continues....

On another note, I still feel 'dull' today, tired, brain-tired, lethargic... all fun and games when Azathioprine dosage is tripled.  And the fun begins with taking massive precautions to not get a cold or flu or whatever.  This is.. also just the way it is.  Welcome to my 'new normal.'

But that timeline that I used to be able to see, even if a bit blurry, is just gone.  I suppose this means I'm going to be living day to day until I feel a bit more like a human being, and I will continue to take steps in the right direction when I can.l

The exercise bike is partially put together... T doesn't care to use it so it's just at the back of his mind. But when the day comes that it's FINALLY assembled... I can at least begin exercising.  Unless my doctor feels that with active Myositis this is a bad idea.  Either way, even if I can exercise even a little everyday it should only benefit me, right?  And the eating thing... bland diet or not things have to be done differently.   And this is the only way I see my life right now, just getting from one moment to the next, one day to the next, one thing to the next.

...And who the hell knows what's next?  I sure don't.

Dammit.

Reality and the Mask of Acceptance

When I first created this blog I had a couple of intentions in mind: 1) To talk about diet, exercise, health and healing, and even sex.  2) To journal while navigating my way to better health.  Well, to say things were derailed rather quickly would be an understatement, but it doesn't mean I've abandoned my original purpose here.  While the theme still exists, so do those things that came in to completely throw me off-course.  Hey, that's part of the process, and the discussion doesn't really change all that much.

Blunt is good most of the time.  But let's face it, in polite society and circumstance requiring a bit more tact the conversation WILL change somewhat.  But THIS isn't polite society, and PC isn't the name of the game here.  While I have pulled back hugely when posting here, that's going to come to an end before long, because I'm simply too sick and tired to sugar-coat anything or leave out those details I really need to add to the conversation.

I know my reality.  I've talked about my reality.  I'm dealing with a chronic illness that gives little clues as to how it's going to progress in my life.  AIH isn't anything to take lightly, and I don't intend to.  Having said that, I'm adding that THIS is my new reality, one which I have to live with, deal with, and include in my blogs.  This isn't to say I'm giving in to the disease, btw.

Acceptance is a funny thing.  Anyone who's had to work their way to acceptance of any situation or circumstance knows that accepting what is can be a real bitch.  It's no different for me.  But acceptance is often something we WEAR, rather than something we have or do or feel.  It's true!  Think about it.  For example, the stages of grief END with acceptance, but what people forget is that the stages of grieving ISN'T linear but CIRCULAR.  We circle back and forth between those stages and no one can say just how long it will take before reaching acceptance---or even if you'll stay there once you arrive at that point.

It's just another mask we wear from time to time.  Acceptance isn't a dead-end destination and never will be.  For those who've been reading a while, you know I've gone back and forth with that whole acceptance thing quite a bit and am still going through it now.

Okay, I'm really tired and am going to talk myself into shutting up for the rest of the day... maybe. lol

For those who've left comments here.. THANK YOU!

So it seems comment notifications haven't been working in a VERY long time, so if you've left comments and I didn't reply please know it's because I didn't realize anyone had left any.  Blogger seems to have fixed this.. for now.

I appreciate everyone's feedback, more than I can find words to describe really.  I guess, with the exception of those I know 'in person,' or those who contact me via social networking or email, etc., I often wonder if I'm just shouting or whispering into the wind here.

It was my hope that sharing my own experiences would help others, or make people laugh, or think... well, then it's all well worth it, especially with regards to "This Free Spirit," which was created to help work my way to a healing place post-abuse and hoping to help others along the way know they're not alone.

So again, if you've left comments on any of the entries on any of the blogs and I haven't respond.. I will.  And hopefully Blogger's notification system re comments will continue to work!

Blessings and thanks to all of you...

Shakeology day 1

What's there to say other than I drank my first shake today, replacing breakfast.  It's a step, and the shake is full of healthy goodies that will do my body good.  I have a coach, since I'm part of the ongoing plan Shakeology has, and I can ask her questions whenever I wish.  That's a good thing, and a definite plus.  I realize my situation isn't the norm, and I'm fighting against the prednisone weight gain, something I'd not gotten past since the last time I was on prednisone (for other reasons).  Being realistic about this means I know I'm doing something good for my body and spirit, even if my opponent (prednisone) is going to ultimately thwart any real weight loss goals at this time.  It's okay, because I'd rather be alive and NOT develop cirrhosis because my body image was more important than my body.

Exercise:  Given that my other opponent is the one I'm living with (T), that is yet another hurdle I have to clear.  One room designated as his study, as well as an exercise room, remains cluttered and not at all useful.  I've done what I personally could do, and the rest is up to him now.  What this means is week after week passing with excuse after excuse becoming the burnt offerings of an indifferent and uncaring individual who refuses to see how utterly important, necessary even, this is for my health and survival.

Today I'm putting my foot down, though.  My health can't wait.  This AI disease is a vengeful bitch, and I'm not about to allow it to take me over.  Exercise, eating right, having a peaceful inner spirit, calmness, all of that has to be in place to fight this.  Right now T is in the way.  Being blunt here, but he is absolutely in the way.

I've done all the footwork with finding a very good exercise bike to have at home.  I know how much space is needed in that office, and I bought a tv and blu-ray player to go in there to help pass the time as I exercise.  The cable is also ready for that tv as well.  And the room sits cluttered with boxes and crap that have yet to even be touched by T... much of it is his own stuff.  His lack of motivation and caring is crippling... to me.  HE is unencumbered by his own indifference, as he allows his own health to fall to the wayside.  I'm not going to do that to myself, and I'm completely done now with putting my own health aside for the happiness of another.  I have done that too long, and to my own detriment.

I'm on my own side now, in my own corner, standing up for myself, my health, my happiness.  If not me, then who?

Exactly.

Saturday

Tomorrow is Saturday, and the day my Shakeology is to arrive.  I have a plan, a fairly well thought out one as plans go, and I'm not mentally preparing to go this alone as no support network actually exists for me.  But the lack of a support system during these endeavors mustn't be the reason I don't try.

It's not like I can't do it on my own, because I can.  It's the motivation factor when things seem difficult or complicated, such is the case when you're taking steroids, that a good support system becomes your saving grace.  I've learned the hard way over the last several years that it's okay to need help, to want support during difficult times, and to not feel guilty about asking for that help.  It's easier now since I don't have those people in my life anymore who made me feel bad for wanting or needing emotional support during difficult times.

Over the course of each day I look for my motivation, signs of life if you will, and accept what it is that I find, and even what I don't find.  There will be bad days, and there will be good days, and every step forward, though painful, is still a step forward.  I can do this.

I.  Can. Do.  This.

My goals sometimes change by the day, and on occasion more than once in a day.  Rolling with the punches means adapting to anything new and finding a way to get right back up again, even if I've been soundly knocked on my ass.  The stressors are still here as well, and I try to overlook, ignore, and otherwise block out those things if I possibly can.

As I sit here and feel the pain return in my back, where my kidneys are, I'm evaluating how much I'll be able to do today.  It's different every day, and I accept that fact as simply my reality as it stands right now.  If I don't listen to my body I will pay the price---you guys have heard me say that a few times and, well, it's the absolute truth.  So what WILL I be able to accomplish today, other than the usual paces I put myself through no matter what?

I wish I had somewhere else to retreat to, somewhere that I can be absolutely free from the pressures here in my immediate environment.  Realistically, the only retreat right now is a set of Bose headphones and music; it's how I block out the world when I've simply had enough.

Yeah... I know I'm rambling and all over the place today.  Today?  Well, it's become 'situation, normal' for me right now, but it's just the way it is.  So be it. I'm going with it because I don't know what else to do.  However, my goal was to unload the chaos and focus on what's to come.  When the Shakeology stuff arrives on Saturday I will be mostly prepared... emotionally anyway.

Did ANY of this make ANY sense whatsoever?

*sigh*

Spilling Over...

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!