Get the hell out of my way already!

Relationships.  Dieting.  Health.  Healing.  Life.  Living.  Hope.  Freedom.   Self.  Respect.  All the connections exist to either lift us or knock us down in our efforts to better ourselves.  With regards to dieting and weight loss there is nothing more damaging than being around, or living with, someone who doesn't have your best efforts in mind.  Most of you have experienced this, and those of you who have know just how much long-term damage comes into play when someone sets out to sabotage your efforts.  Despite all the asking, begging, pleading and demanding... that person, or persons... simply cannot see what they're doing, even when you point it out to them repeatedly.  So what the hell to do?

I've been here before but was able to rise above it all in the long run.  Thing is, when this happened I didn't LIVE with the person.  Now I do, and I'm here to say that it not just changes how you see a person who works to do harm to your health, it changes the way you react to them; I've also been there before too.

There are several ways people sabotage your weight loss efforts.  Here's just a few:

Repeatedly offering foods/desserts you can't have on your diet.
Telling you "One bite isn't going to hurt you."
Feigning hurt feelings when they bring food to you and you refuse to eat it.
Keeping foods that aren't on your diet in the fridge or cupboards.
Baking/cooking things you can't have.

The above list is merely a drop in the bucket, but it's the list most people who've experienced this kind of sabotage.. would recognize.  But there's also a list that people may not recognize right away, and that one is the most insidious, and the most damaging of all.  People who do these things REALLY do NOT have your best interest in mind and, in many cases, the efforts they make ARE malicious.  If you're with a malignant narcissist then you've experienced this for sure, even if you weren't on a weight loss program.  KNOW what you're dealing with, because bettering your health is IMPORTANT, and no one, NO ONE has a right to get in your way.

The most insidious and dangerous of actions:

1.  Insisting you eat unhealthy foods, or not saying anything when you make the choice to eat something not very healthy, but making fun of you or lecturing you for making that choice.
2.  Making fun of HOW you eat.
3.  Making fun of or criticizing your body WHILE you're eating.
4.  Lecturing about how you look in your clothes or out of them.
5.  Lecturing you at the store for what you buy.
6.  Bringing 'forbidden' foods to your house when they visit (if they don't live with you) and scolding/criticizing you when you eat what they brought.  Same goes for when you're at their house.
7.  Trying to control when, what, how, what time you eat.

The above list isn't all possibilities, but they are the most common according to professionals, authors, and those who've have these experiences.  And I'm not talking about one or two people, but upwards of hundreds of thousands of people who've had this happen.  And many experts say.. it's in the MILLIONS.  All I know is that MY experiences with this have been with just two people, and I'm here to tell you that if you don't put your foot down and demand respect... those people will walk all over you.  Not only will those people walk all over you but they won't stop and will get worse the more weight you lose.  Basically, they don't want you to succeed.

You're weight loss efforts are about YOU.  And yes, you can say you're doing it for the kids or your wife/husband or your job or whatever, but what it comes down to is YOUR HEALTH.  You and your health are the biggest and most powerful reasons for losing weight etc.  I'm no expert and only talk about MY opinion and experiences, what I've been told by a professional.  So I can't TELL anyone what to do or what your personal truth is.  Only you know what's best for you, so listen to your instincts, your gut.

As for me, I'm very protective about my health, and I'm not okay with people treating me like shit, with disrespect, without kindness or compassion.  If someone wants to treat me like that.. they can hit the dusty cow pie trail and get the hell out of my life.  My last experience with that type of person STILL has negative effects on me, and I have HAD IT.

Now, it's particularly difficult to diet during the holidays, which is why most people start their diet at the first of the year.  I'm no exception.  I've managed to slip through the holidays unscathed for the most part, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the harder this becomes.  For me, it's not just about the goodies and such, it's also the depression that comes with the holidays.  It is what it is.  So be it.

Bottom line is if you go on a weight loss plan---stand up for yourself if someone tries to sabotage your efforts.  If you choose to wait to go on a weight loss plan at a later date because of a holiday or other event---Don't allow anyone to BULLY you about it!  It is YOUR choice, NOT theirs.  Please don't ever forget that, because if you do choose to put your diet off for a later date and you allow yourself to be bullied about it.. you may not get back on that diet journey for quite some time.  I'm not kidding about this.

Yes, everyone is different, but I know for a fact a few of you (and you know who you are) have dealt with this or are dealing with it right now.  And... it's NOT okay.

Be strong, no matter what you choose, and watch for those signs of those who don't have your best interests at heart.

Till next time....

The Stress Diet.

While highly effective, I wouldn't recommend this diet to anyone.  However, this whole stress/anxiety thing just seems to be an integral part of my daily life now, thanks to T, and I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

Depression isn't a good place to be (duh), and while the lack of appetite side effect SEEMS like a great idea at first, the too-deep calorie deficit WILL catch up to you and wreck your metabolism, especially if you're exercising at all.  No matter that I know how unhealthy this is, I don't know what to do about it.

'Oh, just don't be stressed or anxious!'

Well, that sentiment is pretty sound, but it's certainly not realistic.  Believing you can just turn on/off stress or anxiety is like believing you can turn on/off bad eating habits simply by saying you're going to avoid bad food and overeating.  Damn, but that would be awesome, wouldn't it?  In real life, on planet earth, we don't always get to pick and choose exactly what emotions we can have or discard.  I'm certainly not able to do that, and... I know it's not a healthy choice to even think that you can.

Just my opinion, mind you.  But if you think you can do that then more power to you.  And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

During the past month I've not been able to eat my daily allotment of Points (I'm doing old school Weight Watchers).  Every day I set out to follow the plan to the letter, but the past month I've not been able to eat all the points that I'm supposed to have, even WITH the extra 35 weekly points.  Have I lost a little faster doing this?  Yes and no.  At first I wasn't losing at all, then all of a sudden I'm dropping weight.  On one hand "YAY" and on the other hand.. I'm tired/fatigued as hell.  And my appetite is now heading upwards, with the exception of today (must've been force-fed too much hateful BS from T to leave any room for a meal).

There's a part of me that knows all too well how this will backfire if I don't get a handle on it soon, and oddly enough... my damn morning/fasting blood sugar was 124 this morning.  If I were a full-blown diabetic I'd be rejoicing that number.  But, I'm not a diabetic.  In fact, I'm PRE-diabetic, and those numbers are not a good sign.  They've crept up, those numbers, over the past few weeks, which is hella fast for blood sugar changes.  And there's no rhyme or reason as the amount of carbs etc I eat from one day to the next don't correlate in any pattern that tells me it's what I'm eating.

Fasting blood sugar shows how well the liver is working to take care of things.  Taking blood sugar readings before and after meals show how your body handles food.  As a pre-diabetic the morning fasting levels are elevated, but 2 hour post-meal levels go back to normal when they should.  Again, there are two different mechanisms at work when looking at WHEN blood sugar levels are taken.

Well, anyway... life is in upheaval, and I'm being bashed about by the storm that rages.

But hey, I'm sticking to my diet, so there's that.

Damn I'm sick of things being like this.

September 01, 2016: Life, rant, confusion... yeah, whatever.

Life.  Amiright?

Stop it!

I'll make this short as I've posted in my other blogs about everything that went on this morning.  Over all, I want to keep the blog contents on all my blogs to the subject matter for which they created.  Given that, the theme of the day is basically... the danger of indifference.

Short and sweet (no pun intended)... T knows I'm pre-diabetic, he's indifferent about my testing my blood sugar in the mornings as directed by my doctor, and he's gone as far today as to tell me just to skip today.... which he's done before.  But aside from testing my glucose each morning, he's often indifferent to the things I have to do to get my health back and to avoid pre-diabetes from progressing to full blown Type II diabetes.  W.  T.  F. ????

Due to some physical limitations of which the doctors are still looking to nail down a cause, cooking is pretty much impossible now.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE cooking, so this is not something I'm at all happy about.  But T says he likes to cook but is also honest about the fact that he would be more than okay (his words) to eat a can of raviolis for dinner.  *sigh*  I can't do that.  I didn't like or want to eat that way throughout my life, but I also can't afford to eat that way right now due to my health.

We've had the 'salad discussion.'  I LOVE salads and strive to have a salad every night before dinner.  T, knowing I have to make drastic changes in my eating, etc., due to being diagnosed with pre-diabetes, says having a salad every night would be 'okay.'  However, he buys salad vegetables, puts them in the fridge, "forgets" to make the salads, then gets testy when I tell him we need more salad stuff because the other has gone bad.  Following THAT exchange comes the blame, the passive aggressive type where he gets testy and oppositional about buying salad veggies stating... "I don't want to buy salad stuff because it doesn't get eaten and goes bad," he says with a scowl.

O. M. G.

So I explain to him WHY the veggies went bad and REMINDED him that I said we need to have one every night, or at least I do.  He says okay, buys more salad stuff, then... "forgets" to make salads.  It's been 3 days since he made salads for us.  I remind him and he sometimes forgets.  So I told him.. "Don't ASK me if I want one--just make it!"  It's been 3 days since he's made a salad.

This man, before I met him, didn't eat salads unless it came with a meal at a restaurant.  He didn't make himself vegetables and had canned soup every night and said he likes it.  Well, okay... if he wants to destroy his life, fine.  But don't play with my life too.

I don't want to be so sick I can't cook.  I love cooking, baking, you name it.  LOVE IT.  But I'm too sick to cook right now.  Just a fact.  And I'm supposed to be eating veggies every day.  So much for that.

But aside from the veggies/salad thing, there's the bringing home crap thing.  There's just a weird disconnection here with his insisting on cooking crap he knows I can't have or is exceptionally bad for me.

W. T. F. ???

I really really wish he would just freaking STOP IT.

Ugh.

I Shouldn't Have To...

Fight for my health.
Beg for understanding when I'm too sick.
Point out that someone isn't really listening.
Explain myself.
Be the one to show someone they're behavior isn't kind or compassionate.
Listen to silence after asking a question.
Be disrespected on a daily basis.
Allow myself to be demoralized by another's actions or inactions.
DREAM of living my life like it's MY life--I should be living it that way.

But honestly, one of the top things I shouldn't have to fight for being able to change my diet as my doctors urge.  When I'm told by my doctors there are certain things I have to avoid and things I need to focus on when it comes to my diet.  It's critical, because with the pre-diabetes issue, which is no laughing matter, I have to be diligent.  Where the diligence falls to the wayside are things that are out of my control, be it grocery shopping, choosing the food, and cooking.  I've said I'm sick, but I don't think people realize how sick.

I can't shop for groceries or cook right now.  I simply can't, even if I try very hard.  Without the gory details I can say that things are very bad for me right now, health wise, and I have to fight like hell to fix what's going wrong with my blood sugar.  My family history I can't afford to be lax.  My mom and oldest sister passed away due to diabetic complications.

I can't wish away pre-diabetes.  I can't sit here and hope that, out of the blue, things will right themselves.  It takes purposeful action.  I have to eat the right foods, cooked the right way, and scale back the stress and anxiety to a minimum.  Right now I'm with someone who isn't on board with this and who is just as happy to eat pizza and cookies as salmon and salad (my faves).

Well.  I have to stop here because I'm not feeling well.  But I will be revisiting this topic soon, most likely tomorrow.

And.. life goes on.....

One Hundred and Twenty One.

So far the numbers, the diagnosis... just fails to sink in.  But as I read articles and forums of people with pre-diabetes talking and sharing information I've come to realize one thing that is more than just a little common: Most with "Prediabetes" tend NOT to take it seriously.  I'm one of them.  Even as my family history shows the incredibly high risk of type II diabetes it still just doesn't mean anything to me right now.

My mom and oldest sister both died of complications that began with diabetes.  That puts me at risk, a much higher risk of developing type II diabetes than the average person who doesn't have a family history.  And yet---I somehow just... don't... care.

9 days ago my Endocrinologist, who diagnosed me, gave me a sample of medication I'm supposed to inject once a week.  A 'sample' because some don't tolerate the medicine well AT ALL.  On one hand that's a reason I've not started it yet, but on the other hand I don't want or need the horrific possible side effects and wonder if it's worth the risk.  It's the only thing I can take at the time because of other health issues.  But still...

I take my fasting blood sugar each morning and it's been fairly consistent, with this morning being 121 (elevated by about 10 points from a few days ago).  Fluctuation is all.  But it still doesn't register. I'm aware and I don't care.

At the moment, and probably not due to any blood sugar issue... I'm hurting all over.  Time to lay down.  Pain, pain, and more pain.  Honestly, my intentions were to talk nutrition and plant-based diets vs other diets.  I'm just too weak and uncomfortable.  Maybe tomorrow....

Till later.....

My purpose.

NOTE: Please check my other blogs (links on right side of page) to read about everything going on.  I'm trying to catch up after being too sick to post for several days.

As I try to keep with the original purpose of each blog I'm struggling to make individual entries in each one.  Please bear with me, because I feel incredibly sick and shouldn't even be sitting here typing like I am.  I'm persevering just the same... just may not be perfect.

This particular blog was created to journal my health, eating, dieting, fitness, etc. as I try to make my way back to good health again.  When I first began posting here my health was failing, but I was still able to do nearly all the normal things I would do in a day; cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.  Like my other blogs I wanted to keep a journal to help both myself and others going through similar experiences.  Somewhere along the way--I lost my way.  As I became more sick, had less energy, when the weakness began to consume both me and my life, the topic here began to change.

Eventually, I will return to the original purpose I had here.

In the meantime, I'll still try to keep it mostly on-topic, peppered with fragments of life that can and does affect my well-being.

In the beginning here my focus was on juicing and vegetarian/vegan lifestyle (for lack of a better word).  What I would find out, but didn't know when I began that journey) is that I was anemic.  I began juicing to have better health, to obtain good health, and to increase my energy.  Well, a few things went awry, though I did make it 17 days on a juice fast.  My choice of vegetarian/vegan lifestyle has been a long time coming as I really could care less about eating meat and animal products and find it didn't sit well with me, morally.  Not judging anyone else's choices, but simply speaking about mine.

With the anemia I had to switch back to heme iron sources, which is ONLY found in meat (hence the word 'heme').  After two IV iron infusions and a lot of misery, I made my out of anemia.  I've not gone back to vegetarian eating because I've still no idea what caused my anemia and didn't want to hurt my body further by aggravating the situation.  So far, knock on wood. My iron and ferritin levels are staying within the normal range.

I've recently found out that I'm lactose intolerant.  BOY am I!  Ugh.  So if I eat anything 'diary' it's yogurt, as it's the one exception for most people.  So far I think it's an exception for me.

I've had to be very careful with fruit as well, given serious GI issues that have yet to have a cause identified.  It's an every day fight among all the others.  I've talked about them today on "All Things Ephemeral," which you'll find a link for on the right.

Over the past few weeks my appetite has been MIA.  I also experience early satiety.  You might think this is a great thing because it will cause weight loss.  Well, it's only a good thing depending on what's causing it, and in my case, having come off prednisone recently, my body is refusing to let go of the prednisone weight.  This is normal, btw, and I just have to wait it out.  Still, not sure why I have zero appetite.

Typically I have a yogurt for breakfast, a banana for lunch, and attempt a normal dinner, which I often can't finish.  After I eat I feel weak and sick and have to lay down, praying that it doesn't cause GI issues and rapid stomach emptying, etc.  Not fun, I promise.

My arms are aching terribly from typing, so I have to move on and try to make entries in my other blogs (link list on right of page)....

The Provocative Power of Cake.

King Cake.  If you live in the south, especially along the Gulf Coast, you know what this is and how it tastes if you get it from the right bakery.  But I'm here to tell you that the devil himself is in this colorful confection, and it has the magical power to lure you in with promises of heaven.  LIES! lol No, seriously... it's really really a BAD idea to have King Cake around when you're watching your diet closely.  Dear God, but T has yet to listen to me about this stuff!

Now, the King Cake in the photo is a little different than the traditional version, which is more a coffee cake than an actual cake.  But, I liked the photo---So there's that.  Now, if you're fortunate enough to get the cream cheese AND pecan-filled version, then you're in for a REAL treat.  But be warned, if you get it from the wrong place it may leave you disappointed.

Anyway....

So T brought home a KC last night.  OMG.  Help me!  I had a piece and am sure that there's crack in these things.  It's gorgeous, beyond tasty, and really something you should refrain from having around when you need to limit sugar and the like.

Today is a challenge with respect to eating better.  The devil's pastry is STILL sitting in the kitchen and I'm exercising GREAT willpower not to simply eat every last bite!  No, I'm not going to eat it, but I have to say I'm not very happy that the temptation is in there to begin with.

DAMN the forces that conspire against me!

Oh screw it!  Laissez le bon temps rouler!

That Last Nerve

I've spent the better part of my morning researching ways to obtain the OLD weight watcher's materials.  Not THAT hard to find, mind you, but people apparently think their stuff is worth a fortune, with some asking as much as $124.00 for materials that came FREE with a $70 membership.  I guess they've caught wind that the NEW WW plan... rather sucks.  Okay, fine.  But seriously, gouging is really really tacky.  Yeah, I'm sitting here a little irritated that I HAD those materials and gave them away in 2013.  Hindsight... ugh.

Due to the prednisone I'm on (and trying to taper off of now) the best I can hope for by following a weight loss program is to avoid gaining too much weight.  That's not a typo.  Even if you diet and exercise like crazy on prednisone.. you'll still gain.  Yes, some people don't, and that's usually the younger folks who are taking prednisone on a shorter-term basis and have those fabulous younger metabolisms.  In my case, I'll be lucky to not gain while dieting.. because many people have.

Looking around on eBay and Amazon I was able to find a couple of kits that, while not complete, still have enough of what I need to get by.  Seriously, WW shouldn't have messed with something that was already about as perfect as it gets.  So why do they do this?

From what I read, WW likes now likes to come out with something 'new' and 'improved'... just about every new year.  Now, I have no issues with keeping in line with new research etc., but to simply change something that works just to lure more people in is, imho, a total disservice to customers who are relying on WW being that 'diet' and 'isn't a diet.'  As their new plan stands now... it's difficult, chaotic, and people are finding it extremely frustrating and difficult because it just doesn't fit into everyday life like it once did.  This means standing at a work or holiday function near the carrot and celery sticks while everyone else there feasts on the good stuff.  No really, it's true.

The old WW would have you eating what everyone else is eating, only in moderation and/or using your 'weekly' points.  Why on earth did they change this when they had to know it would be more difficult to fit WW into their lives realistically?  And the worst part is that some say they're simply not losing or losing well on this new plan.

Oh, and don't even get me started on their new web site!  I've never seen such a chaotic mess with missing plugins, missing buttons, and mincemeat navigation.  There's a lot of discussion in the forums regarding how frustrating site navigation is.  It looks like WW went for 'pretty' rather than 'functional,' and it's a shame because members are already frustrated as hell with the new plan.

I have to say that what started as a 'go get 'em, tiger!' attitude turned into my wanting to scream at the top of my lungs in frustration.  Okay, maybe the whole screaming thing was a bit of an exaggeration, but I can say with 100% certainty that WW has gotten on my last nerve.

Ugh.

Really?

Shakeology is an awesome product, and it tastes really really good.  It replaces a meal, or two if you can spend that much money per month (I replace ONE).  Sounds easy, and it used to be.  But what I have to deal with NOW is that the weakness I have, the weird and excruciating lower back pain (despite the prednisone, no less) actually prevents me from being able to stand and MAKE that shake!  Is this the Myositis part of my current life experience?  Is it something else?  I mean, really?

I have to wonder where this is all leading.

So what's the solution to this?  I've NO idea.  Having to lean my elbows on the counter JUST to be able to stand there at all doesn't exactly allow for making that shake every morning or afternoon.  WTH?  *sigh*

The rest of my diet has changed dramatically due to this as well, and since I can't even stand long enough to make a sandwich.  The unhealthy alternatives, you know... the ones that you can quickly nuke without any preparation, well that's become my way of eating.  Trust me, this is not a good way of eating if you're goals are good/improved health.

I've considered replacing dinner with a shake so T can at least help.  I'm not sure how that will work, but it may be the only solution to the problem at this time.

This weakness stuff is ridiculous....

*ugh*

Inevitable

What a word, huh?  Stating my case for better health is a daily routine, one in which I decide when I wake up just how far I'm going to let this AI situation screw with my life.  Oh, I make the decision all right, but the powers that be seem hell-bent on proving me wrong.  Raging against this doesn't work, yet it gives me an outlet to expel the toxic waste of bewilderment.  So be it.

Weight loss, prednisone, diet, eating, choosing, and living with the ultimate consequences provide a messy framework in which I have to live.  This machine controls everything, as many of you know, and we KNOW it controls us because of all the hype with body-image, health, well-being, and the next, best and greatest health craze, fad, or obsession.  You know it's true.  I know it's true.  All of us fall victim.

The good news is that we can choose how we go about reaching for better health.  MY choice is to abstain from meat, and dairy... go vegetarian or vegan.  As it turns out, the autoimmune hepatitis and medication necessary to bring and keep it in remission poses their own health concerns, one of them being low calcium, osteoporosis (to name just one).  I can't skip the dairy, because supplements DO NOT WORK in this case.  I eat dairy, I take supplements for calcium and vitamin D... and yet my calcium is testing below normal.  Now, this could possibly (hopefully) change as I'm weaned off the prednisone.  But only time will tell.  In the meantime, knowing calcium actually helps a person LOSE weight, I know that I'm still fighting an uphill battle.  Prednisone puts on weight NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, lowers calcium in most cases, causes extreme water retention, lack of sleep/insomnia (which is vital to weight loss)... and so so much more.

At least I'm down another 10mg/day, so that's good news.  The Azathioprine is up to 150mg, which is supposed to help with symptoms from prednisone tapering, so there's that.  It's just a damn ugly process, is what it is, and the effects from using high dose/long term prednisone could last up to 2 years.  These realities become part of my journey to better health.

...Then there's the myositis situation.  WHAT am I to do with that?  Nothing, for now.  It's attempting to kick my ass just the same, though.

Ugh.

...I really wish T would finish putting the exercise bike together.  *sigh*

How the hell am I going to survive all this?.....

Almond Milk. Okay'den.

Really... nix the dairy, get some almond or coconut milk, and do your colon a favor.  M'kay?  Well, that's what I've done anyway.  I guess I just got tired of looking at the blender and bag of Shakeology and seeing the horrors to come if I drank any of it!  Thing is, it's NOT the Shakeology at all.  My problem, apparently, is dairy in some forms, so replacing the dairy with the almond milk was a smart choice on my part.  Yeah, I can boast about that just a little bit.  I mean, I made a smart step in the right direction.

I guess when determining how best to proceed in fighting off the effects of high-dose, long-term prednisone is to begin with baby steps.  I know some of you are the jump-right-in type, and I'm usually that way myself.  But when it comes to having something in your system that's going to ultimately wreak havoc on you if you make the wrong choice, you really have to make those choices carefully and with MUCH thought and research, and... planning.  You have to plan for the unexpected.  Seriously.

My taste buds are so whacked out nothing tastes right at the moment.  The cruelty factor here is that if something is SWEET.. I can taste it more than anything else.  My nemesis, sugar, is out to get me. Dammit!  And salt, is something that is BARELY detectable now.  Coffee doesn't even taste right... though I'm not about to say it tastes bad, because it doesn't.  So this altered sense of taste makes the dieting and eating right a lot more complicated than it would otherwise be under normal conditions.  What a freaking mess.

So back to that almond milk thing....

As it turns out, almond milk actually doesn't taste much different than dairy.  Even with an altered sense of taste I can see this.  I've had almond milk before, btw, and I know it doesn't really taste all that different.  At least not to me.  So if you're looking for a dairy alternative, try almond milk first.  I also love coconut milk.. yes, milk.  I also love the water, but that's not suitable for shakes.

I'll be perfectly honest here--all these choices, good and bad, aren't helping me lose weight because of the prednisone on board.  Doesn't mean YOUR experience won't prove vastly different.  I'm just saying that if you're having to take this stuff just be informed and prepared for your body to not respond the way it normally would.  If you go into dieting, eating better, etc. with that in mind.. then you won't likely be so disappointed in the scale numbers.  It's going to be okay.  Prednisone's side effects are temporary, and if you're taking prednisone you are most likely for a good reason... I hope.

So two thumbs up for almond milk, which is naturally not high in calories btw...

Here's to health, despite that damnable prednisone!

OMG Prednisone! STOP IT!

So, as you guys know I began using Shakeology again.  Which is a VERY good thing, btw.  However, what's NOT so good is that this dang prednisone hell I'm in makes me hungry, VERY hungry like 24/7.  *sigh*  I know I'm still doing something great for my body by having that nutritious shake for breakfast each day, but how the hell am I supposed to thwart the PredMonster with a shake?  Ugh.  I'm not going to win that battle, as others who've had to use this stuff long-term can attest.  But dang it!  I'm GOING to have to do something.

My doctor said, "It will make you gain weight.  It's going to.  Which is why we're going to get you off this stuff soon."  Well, yeah.. I certainly hope so!  I mean, even after coming off prednisone, which takes a while, the effects can last up to TWO YEARS.  It's only been about a year and a half since the last round of Pred, and I was struggling like crazy to get even a few pounds off without resorting to extreme remedies such as a long juice-fast.  Seriously, my body can't take another fast, because it's not great for your liver if you have liver issues already.

T... well meaning most of the time but indifferent as hell.  That indifference means he doesn't pay attention to anything I talk to him about, tell him, warn him about, nor does he remember most of what I tell him I need to do and not do with regards to eating.  It all just falls to the wayside the second he sees and seizes an opportunity for a quick meal.  I can't do quick meals anymore.  I can't do the salt, sugar, fat, and heavily processed carbs.  I can't.  While on this medication (prednisone) I have to steer clear of things that are going to wreck my health.

One of the risks with long-term prednisone is hypertension, and another lovely one is type II diabetes brought about by the drug itself.  Hypertension and diabetes.  Salt and sugar.  So what does T do?  He decides it's just easier if HE goes to the grocery store and gets whatever, because it's on his way home etc.  And what does he bring home?...?...

PopTarts.
Pastries.
Chips.
Dip.
Frozen/pre-packaged meals in a box or bag.
Ice-cream.
Cherry pastries.
....etc.

And the above was in ONE trip!  Just yesterday.  *sigh*

When your hunger is kicked into high gear ALL OF THE TIME, and you have all that junk sitting around, it's nearly impossible to not snack all day.  And pred, oddly, can dull your taste buds so that healthy, nutritious food fails miserably in the flavor dept.  I mean, dull, bland, and about as tasty as wet cardboard.  Not that I know what wet cardboard tastes like, mind you, but I would imagine it would be about like what I taste when I eat steamed veggies.

Shakeology is an investment in one's health, and it's not a cheap investment either.  So how in the hell am I to get anywhere near healthy if I have a Shakeology shake for breakfast, only to follow it up with a cherry pastry about an hour later?

I've sent food with T to work over this very thing.  When he brings junk food home I usually tell him to take it to his work and leave it there, eat it, or share it with coworkers.  I just need it OUT OF THE HOUSE and away from temptation.

Is that so much to ask?

My next move is to begin research on a home exercise bike, one of high quality.  Exercise tends to make a person WANT to eat better, make better choices.  Maybe, just maybe this will do the trick.  As for stopping T from bringing home junk food, well, I've no idea how to stop that just yet.

God help me...

Shakeology day 1

What's there to say other than I drank my first shake today, replacing breakfast.  It's a step, and the shake is full of healthy goodies that will do my body good.  I have a coach, since I'm part of the ongoing plan Shakeology has, and I can ask her questions whenever I wish.  That's a good thing, and a definite plus.  I realize my situation isn't the norm, and I'm fighting against the prednisone weight gain, something I'd not gotten past since the last time I was on prednisone (for other reasons).  Being realistic about this means I know I'm doing something good for my body and spirit, even if my opponent (prednisone) is going to ultimately thwart any real weight loss goals at this time.  It's okay, because I'd rather be alive and NOT develop cirrhosis because my body image was more important than my body.

Exercise:  Given that my other opponent is the one I'm living with (T), that is yet another hurdle I have to clear.  One room designated as his study, as well as an exercise room, remains cluttered and not at all useful.  I've done what I personally could do, and the rest is up to him now.  What this means is week after week passing with excuse after excuse becoming the burnt offerings of an indifferent and uncaring individual who refuses to see how utterly important, necessary even, this is for my health and survival.

Today I'm putting my foot down, though.  My health can't wait.  This AI disease is a vengeful bitch, and I'm not about to allow it to take me over.  Exercise, eating right, having a peaceful inner spirit, calmness, all of that has to be in place to fight this.  Right now T is in the way.  Being blunt here, but he is absolutely in the way.

I've done all the footwork with finding a very good exercise bike to have at home.  I know how much space is needed in that office, and I bought a tv and blu-ray player to go in there to help pass the time as I exercise.  The cable is also ready for that tv as well.  And the room sits cluttered with boxes and crap that have yet to even be touched by T... much of it is his own stuff.  His lack of motivation and caring is crippling... to me.  HE is unencumbered by his own indifference, as he allows his own health to fall to the wayside.  I'm not going to do that to myself, and I'm completely done now with putting my own health aside for the happiness of another.  I have done that too long, and to my own detriment.

I'm on my own side now, in my own corner, standing up for myself, my health, my happiness.  If not me, then who?

Exactly.

Health Infusion via Shakeology

Some of you guys remember where this all started--my quest to get my health back.  And if you've been there throughout the journey from cardiac ablations for 3 arrhythmias to the current diagnosis of Autoimmune Hepatitis.. then you know how this has gone and what I've been through over the past few years, especially the last two.  At one point, about a year ago, I decided to add Shakeology to the mix, to replace breakfast and have a good, solid, nutritious start to the day.  That infusion of healthy goodies was a GOOD thing.  Did it fix my issues?  Of course not, because I had no idea I was dealing with AIH at the time.  But it did me some good nonetheless.

I've reinstated myself into the program again, with this time not as a sole source of weight loss, but as an overall step towards better help and feeling good.  I'm wrapping that package up with Weight Watchers--because it's the most realistic WOE that there is.  But I feel pretty good about my decision.

Challenges are there in the form of prednisone side effects, one of the biggest being constant hunger.  I mean, real hunger that doesn't let up, with no satiety really being reached but for a couple of minutes tops.  This is a big one when you're trying to get healthier, lose a few pounds, and get your shit together.  I have to face that monster every single day while on Pred, and it may linger for some time afterwards.  The BIG question is: When is AFTERWARDS?

Afterwards is a huge question looming overhead at the moment.  Some people are on medication (pred, Imuran.. or both) long-term, sometimes indefinitely (though that's mostly the Imuran or other immunosuppressant).  For many the medication stays on-board for about 2 years, in which case another liver biopsy will be performed to confirm remission.  TWO YEARS on prednisone.  TWO!  Even at a low dose of 5mg-10mg the effects on the body, both good and bad, are significant.  So at what time does the prednisone become low enough in the body to allow things to return to normal, or close to normal, and weight loss and good health begin?

If only I had the answer.

The effects of prednisone, btw, can last up to TWO YEARS even when it's completely stopped.  This means low adrenals etc. can still wreak havoc until the body begins to produce cortisol on its own again.  Yay.  Not.

No matter what, this is a necessary evil (Prednisone).  Without it I stand a significant risk of AIH causing such damage as fibrosis--leading to cirrhosis--which at some point the liver becomes mostly non-function and a transplant becomes necessary.  This is, of course, the worst case scenario brought about by leaving the situation untreated.  As you can see, Prednisone really is the necessary evil.

So be it.  Here it is.  My 'new normal.'

I'll be glad when my Shakeology shipment comes in the mail.  Just saying...

Boo's Juicy Bits, and the Return to Focus

This blog began as a ways and means to talk, often with humor, about health, wholeness, eating, thriving, living, body/mind/soul, and sometimes to share the naughty side of me.  It's gotten WAY off-track over the past few months due to declining health.  Well, those health issues are being addressed, and treatment begins today/tonight.. and next week.  At least with regards to the issues of sleep apnea and iron deficiency anemia.

Getting back on track with posting and sharing here is going to be a major switch in some ways, as I've had to focus far too much on doctor appointments, treatments, and so forth.  But I think it's time, you know, to get back to the part of 'living.'  Doesn't mean I won't have moments where I vent about my relationship issues, dreams, passions, and the like.  It just means that I think since I'm on my way to resolutions for my health issues... it's time to focus on what's ahead.

It just makes good sense.

So what's next with diet, exercise, vibrant physical, mental/emotional health?  Well, that's just the thing.  Tonight will be the first night I use a CPAP machine, and I already know the one night I used it at the sleep center.. I felt quite different the following day, and I returned to my usual fatigued, miserable self the night after WITHOUT the CPAP.  I see much hope in that.  And with next week being the first treatment for the iron deficiency.. I'm actually getting excited about seeing things improve over the days and weeks ahead.  This is going to be a journey of my life, really.

As my focus shifts to hopeful events, positive outcomes, and anticipation for those things not yet addressed (lung and heart issues), I will also have a lot more focus here.

It's about time, isn't it?  ;)

Reminder: My other blogs

A couple of you have sent me messages on FaceBook regarding a few issues I promised to talk about or update about.  I have.  You may have just missed where I spoke about them.  This was the problem I mentioned previously about keeping all 3 of my blogs.  But you guys begged me to keep them all, so I did. :)

So as a reminder, and to either clear up confusion or create more, here are the links to my other blogs.  You can always find them in the menu section (side bar) under Alter Ego.  Also, in case you've forgotten, mostly the separate blogs are for focus, so that all topics don't all end up getting blended together in one place.

Hope this helps...

Where Fireflies Dream

http://gothicwell.blogspot.com

All Things Ephemeral

http://autumnwhisperstome.blogspot.com

Boo’s Juicy Bits

http://boosjuicybits.blogspot.com

Each blog is designed for a specific purpose and focus, true, but all of them overlap in many ways.  I may end up burning myself out posting on one, and may not get a chance to post an entry on the others the same day, or at the same time.  There will be times, in other words, where it may appear as if I've not made an entry...when I actually have but on a different blog.

A brief explanation of the blogs may help a little bit.  Just remember that even if a topic/blog may not interest you, I may have spilled everything there and not posted elsewhere.

Where Fireflies Dream was intended to be a place for dreams, wishes, hopes, plans, goals, etc.  But it's evolved over time into something bigger than that.  That's about all I can do to explain this blog.  There are days when the focus is implied, and days when I'm speaking in contrast to what the focus actually is.

All Things Ephemeral is the original blog, the one I built and posted on about anything and everything you could possibly imagine.  I used to give quite a bit of details, which often meant deleting entries after a time that said too much.  Hence the name "All Things Ephemeral."  Now, I've not recently unloaded in detail there, so most of the entries remain intact.

NOTE:  It must be said that when I do post in great detail there the post may not remain for long.  So if you make it a habit of reading posts in this blog you probably won't miss anything.  If you wait too long.. the entry may be deleted.

Boo's Juicy Bits:  Now this blog is mainly about health and diet in the context of flirtatious fun.  With health issues wreaking havoc, however, it's changed the entries for the most part.  But as things change and I get on top of things... it will return to its original and flirty content.  I'm not about faking things to entertain, so you guys will know pretty much where I am by what you read there.

Again, ALL of these blogs intersect in some way.  They all have a purpose, to which I've tried to keep true on, but they still cross over one another in ways.

Okay.  Enough of this.  Again, you can find the links to the Alter Ego blogs in the bar to the side of each blog.

Well... this liquid diet is kicking my ass today, so I'm off here for now.

*waves*

Dear Dairy...

We need to talk.

They put you in almost everything, including things you really have NO business being in.  You lurk, skulk about, hiding in a deep and complicated list of ingredients and use false identities to conceal yourself.  In the human diet, you're a complete and total fraud.

Potato chips.  Why?  Why are you there?  It's not 'potato and milk chips,' so wtf are you in there?  It's a trap.  Good thing I'm not eating potato chips.

Thank goodness for an app on my phone I can use to scan any food that's processed, and not that I NEED to eat processed foods.  It just happens sometimes.  I should fix that.

As diligent as I am I'm not perfect at finding the hidden dairy in certain foods.  And OH... do I EVER pay the ultimate price when I do.  *sigh*

Dear dairy, I'm sorry.. but I broke up with you because you're a sadistic bitch who hurts me whenever I have to deal with you.  Our relationship over the years has been toxic, though I failed to see the connection between you and so much discomfort and misery.  This is the end.  We must part ways, completely and totally.

You should stick with the calves for which you were perfectly created.  And I know mankind has treated the life that holds you like garbage, living factories for human consumption.  And I'm deeply sorry for that.  So I will continue to do my part to not support the industry who do those vile and inhuman things we know happen.

As for last night---I forgive you.  I'm still breaking up with you.  But I forgive you, because you weren't meant for me.  Yes, I indulged in you unknowingly and paid a HUGE price for it.  But I forgive you just the same.

Goodbye, dairy.  I wish you well.

Tomorrow....

My follow-up appointment with my GI specialist is tomorrow, as well as an appointment with a pulmonologist.  I have no idea how any of it will go, nor do I even know what to think about the appointment.  I'm a little burned out right now, to tell you the truth.

Tomorrow seems years away right now.  I really just want it to be done and over with so I know what comes next, if anything, with this whole liver thing.

Yeah.  I'm a bit burned out right now, so... continuing here is really pointless.  If I continue I'm most likely not going to make any sense at all.  Best to just leave it be until I can gather my thoughts again.  Think I spilled my guts pretty well on All Things Ephemeral and Where Fireflies Dream...

Time to try rejuvenating myself...

*sigh*

The ups and downs of a f*ckd up appetite

Not mincing words here.  Just telling it like it is.  On TWO medications for stomach pain/issues/possible duodenal ulcer, and I find that it's messing heavily with my appetite.  Well, my appetite has been affected by whatever havoc is happening in my GI tract anyway, so this isn't all that unusual.  Day to day I have NO idea what I can eat, IF I want to eat, or if my appetite will be through the roof.  Yay.  Not!

One minute disgusted by food as it hurts my stomach, and the next... no holds barred!  Ridiculous.  But I know that IF it's true that I have an ulcer, an empty stomach can cause much pain.

Does eating REALLY need to be so chaotic and risky, though?

I mean really?

It is what it is.  Go figure.

For now, I'm off to review paint samples for the kitchen walls and trim.  At least it's something positive.

*sigh*

Laters, taters....