It's not in one place. If you're new here, this is what you need to know about my blogs. The problem with putting all thoughts into one place is that looking for relevant information becomes a treasure hunt of sorts where you only find the dragon in the end, rather than the gold. Okay, so I'm not saying what I have to say from one day or one moment to the next is 'gold,' but my sense of humor is working overtime today... just bear with me on that, okay? ;)
This Free Spirit is one such place, the newest in the corridors here. It's kind of my safe place, in a way, though visiting the ghosts of the past is often the case. "Abuse Bonds Broken" is, for me, a way to help myself, and to help others, who've dealt with malignant narcissists. It's really not always about the worst of the situation, nor is it always just about purging the demons. My goal there is to help, but to also bring healing for myself in the process. And process, I do.. more times than not, this is exactly what I'm doing there.
The stories and such aren't often pretty. But life with a narcissist and emotional abuser rarely is, right? In essence--you're not going to find unicorns there.
Where Fireflies Dream is a place where the sun is SUPPOSED to shine a little brighter, where life is a little lighter, fuller.... But let's face it; as life smacks me up-side the head on occasion, the lines between the great and not-so-great begin to blur. In essence--you won't often find unicorns here either. But I'm trying...
All Things Ephemeral .... because the discussion changes. This was the original blog, the one where most of the laughter, contemplation, silliness, passion, and tears were cast upon the pages. It was overwhelming at first, really, because there were NO lines drawn between anything; it began as a place to purge anything and everything. This also used to result in many posts being deleted. Yes, I still do that on occasion, delete posts, but very rarely now.
Boo's Juicy Bits Well, now THIS one has gone absolutely rogue, I have to admit. It began when I started juicing, then evolved as I embarked on a healthier diet, then went completely rogue because of the health issues that have come on board. This blog... let's just say ANYTHING could end up here.
Why? Because the discussion changes! And because we live in a world that has become increasingly indifferent, where people can't 'concern' themselves with the emotions, experiences, etc. of another human being. This is not accusatory, by the way. It's simply a sad fact.
While not everyone is safely wading in that comfortable pool of ones own life, some are simply unable to step out... be vulnerable. No matter. These blogs... are just me stepping out of that comfortable place.
It was a long holiday weekend filled with packing, moving a few loads over to the new house, and lots of anxiety having to be around T for that long. I'm not being mean here, I assure you, but the magnitude in which he's "just not there" is ever more apparent when we're around each other too much. And honestly, it drags me down and wears me out beyond words. Not sure how I can handle this much longer.
I try very hard to be patient and understanding, but it's nearly impossible to feel those things when the other person is simply not trying at all. I'm a ghost in my own household (notice I didn't say "home"), and the weight of being absolutely trapped is taking a tremendous toll on me both physically and emotionally. Life isn't supposed to be this hard.
He's supposed to go visit his family in Florida next month, and no.. I'm not going. By choice. I'm simply not up to that long drive right now, and honestly... I really need the time alone; maybe I'll be able to breathe for once. I'm a little scared I'll like being by myself much more than I realize. Though it really wouldn't surprise me...as I crave space, peace, breathing room, a place to stretch these broken wings and try and remember what it feels like to fly.
...It was another weekend with my pointing out all the ways he tries to control me, how he treats me like a child, how he doesn't respect me... and as always it falls on deaf ears. Oh, he vehemently INSISTS that he understands what I'm trying to say to him, that he gets it, that he will try harder, and so on..and on..and on..and on. His words mean very little to me anymore, and his WORD... means even less.
I can't rely on him following through.
Honestly, I could understand his not being able to follow through on some things if there were a REASON. But there's not. He simply just... doesn't. And it's very telling.
In the meantime I try desperately to hold on, to remember who I am, to remember my dreams, wishes, hopes, goals, and to remind myself that my needs matter too. I also have to work on not being completely rolled over by him when he does this; and I have to say it's nearly impossible. I mean, let's face it---I'm not the toughest person, and I'm sensitive to both people and environment. And my environment right now is NOT conducive to happiness, joy, OR healing; three things of which I need desperately in my life.
How the hell did I get here? Rhetorical question, really. What I should be asking myself is 'How did I get here AGAIN?!'
Okay, so truth be told I'd have to say I HAVE asked myself that question and know how I got here again. I'm not in the awful places that I've been in the past with relationships, but this one isn't healthy for me at all. So what do I do so that I can thrive, live, and be able to breathe in my own space?
Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah. No.. patience is a skill! I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat. Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough. Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health. Enough is enough. Right?
I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.' What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite. While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation. It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent. Some of this most people already know. In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person. And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.
Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure! Funny, I know... but absolutely true. When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps. If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.
If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.
There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it. And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category. If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there. Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust. And by "personal social network" I mean just that. Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.
The enablers...
These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you. This is neither appropriate or helpful. There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.' People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.' There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation. But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do. These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope. They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire. Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.
The Borg...
Think I'm kidding here? lol I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain. As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them. These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse. Sounds crazy, yes? These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger. And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation. Steer clear of these types!
The zombies...
Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do. Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so. They feel nothing, and they're relentless. The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one. Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest. Period. Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing. Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?
While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable. This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all. This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.
Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being. Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must. But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.
My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person. Truth.
Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah. No.. patience is a skill! I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat. Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough. Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health. Enough is enough. Right?
I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.' What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite. While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation. It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent. Some of this most people already know. In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person. And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.
Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure! Funny, I know... but absolutely true. When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps. If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.
If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.
There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it. And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category. If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there. Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust. And by "personal social network" I mean just that. Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.
The enablers...
These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you. This is neither appropriate or helpful. There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.' People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.' There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation. But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do. These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope. They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire. Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.
The Borg...
Think I'm kidding here? lol I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain. As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them. These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse. Sounds crazy, yes? These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger. And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation. Steer clear of these types!
The zombies...
Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do. Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so. They feel nothing, and they're relentless. The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one. Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest. Period. Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing. Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?
While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable. This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all. This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.
Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being. Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must. But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.
My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person. Truth.
I literally just wrote several paragraphs before deleting every one of them. It's my state of mind at the moment, I suppose, really feeling like I need to talk about so much but finding the words impossible to convey what's needed. Speaking my mind these days isn't always easy, and trying to speak my mind in uncertain terms usually ends up being the case. Where did the girl go who could quite easily let it all flow out onto the page, or screen as it were? Dammit.
Where is my voice? Have I simply worn myself out by expressing what I feel and need? Is there some cutoff inside that totally prohibits discussion on a matter that's been beaten to death with no resolution from the other side? Where the hell is my voice?! Too much going on. Too much unresolved issues. Too much indifference. Too much passive-aggressive controlling from T. Too many unspoken and unreasonable demands put upon me. At some point a person under "Too much" gives in, gives up, or gives out; I tend to vacillate between all three.
When I speak, to whom do I speak? That's a rhetorical question, btw. I need to talk about what's going on with my health, my lack of any quality of life, my concerns, my needs, my life. And yet, here I am pouring out what I need to talk about online, rather than talking about what I need. Geez. I'm starting to not make much sense, but I'm sure a few of you get where I'm coming from. It's a familiar place to many, though probably not to all. This place, this unhealthy place where I am right now, is actually making it more difficult to speak my mind.
Have I developed so much mistrust in people that I can't bring myself to actually say what I need to say? This has been an ongoing theme in my life (and here) for quite some time now, and where I was once able to pour out my heart and soul and mind freely, it just seems as if every part of me that should be free is tightly shackled, gagged, and sedated by defeat. That's not a good thing.
Once upon a time I would pour out my soul here. Those of you who've been reading my blogs know exactly what I'm talking about. Wether I was raging, hopeful, dreaming, wishful, happy, sad, surprised, or any other number of feelings... I was able to convey everything clearly right here, even if I weren't speaking to anyone else face-to-face. So what's happened?
I know the answer already, though it's really difficult to say 'out loud.' But as a first step to getting over this wall, or breaking it down, I can honestly say that I am a product of my recent history, and by 'recent' I mean over the last few years.
After being raged at and punished for speaking my mind the wall was built. I really didn't know it was happening on all levels, but deep inside I knew, and I let it happen. Frankly, it was absolutely necessary when it was happening. The wall went up to protect myself, and now I can't seem to break it down again.
So, how does one get past this? *shrugs* Beats me. But it needs to be done. HAS to be done.
