Oh but will you?

Undeniably, the mind, the spirit, and the body are ALL interconnected.  And if that sounds like a 'duh' statement, that's because it is.  Yet it still needs to be said for the sake of clarity, for me to point out the obvious that even I can see.  In such a chaotic and jumbled mess, being that of any relationship, the power this has over one's actual physical well-being is also undeniable, and yet sometimes I often look the other way and ignore the connections when I can't do anything about them at the time.  A little on the destructive side when you think about it, right?  Yet.. I'm human and prone to very human faults and so on.

Well okay, so do something about it, right?

Easier said than done.  Not impossible.  Just not easy.

My reaction to stress, anxiety, tension, etc. is just as human as it gets.  Some days are better than others, and most days I just go with it and trust that there's a reason I'm reacting to my circumstances in ways that aren't always best for me.  For the good of the better, the other person, the situation, and in complete line with seeking harmony I allow DISharmony to enter into my own personal space.  That's the cost, that's the price I pay, for wanting someone else to have the peace I rarely have myself.

And the echoes of impending broken promises do little to serve me.

Trust is a funny thing.  I trust the appearance of honesty and am often disappointed.  No wonder since I don't do much in the way of trying to understand if what I think I'm hearing or seeing is genuine.  I've done this in the past, extended trust where I shouldn't have.  But don't we all do this?  Either way, you'd think I'd learn, right?

I have learned in some ways but choose to allow that unrelenting romantic in me to believe that, like magic, all will be well and shining and happy and new.  Silly.  Absolutely silly.  Yet there it is in my current and past history.  Can one really polish a relationship like a silver spoon?  Maybe, but like that alluring and fickle metal... it will tarnish again if not tended to.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life polishing shit.  I mean, does that even make any sense?  No, it doesn't.  So why do I continue to do this?  Because I'm unhappy.  That's why.  Not that this is a permanent state, mind you, because all of us have the power to change our circumstances and reaction to them.  I keep telling myself that I can and will, and that little voice inside continues to ask... "Oh but will you?"

*shrugs*

As long as I don't give up, as long as I'm absolutely clear on what it is I need to be happy, healthy, and thrive... I'm not entirely lost to regaining the control I need in my life to make it different, better, mine.  I don't want to live someone else's life.  Do you?  Does anyone really?

Shakeology--a skipped day way too soon

So if you've read my other blogs you know it was a busy day with a rough beginning.  I'm lacking sleep and too tired to get my head on straight.  Hell, that just takes too much energy, and right now I'm in the throes of needing a nap.  It's crazy, but this day is going to continue being busy as the cable guy AND a contractor is coming over to look at a couple of things that need addressing.  I'm afraid at this point T will be the only one dealing with those two visitors, because I'm most likely going to be sacked out when that time comes.

He can handle it.

As for me, I didn't eat breakfast until after my first appointment today.  No Shakeology shake to help infuse the good stuff in a body that needs really needs it, and just a tad overboard with salt today which is at the moment kicking my ass in more ways than I can describe.

I like the way Shakeology tastes, and I love having it for breakfast.  However, today it may just end up being a supplement to the days' intake of nutrition because I don't see having it for dinner.  I'm starting Azathioprine and MUST take it with a large meal or risk the lovely vomiting episodes that ensure shortly after ingesting on an empty, or mostly empty stomach.  No thank you, I don't don't do the vomiting thing if I can help it.  It's a balancing act, really, trying to drink this, take that, eat this or that at particular times and so on and so forth.  I'm sure I'll get used to it--just not today.

It's been a long day so far.  A very, very long day.

C'mon bedtime--you simply can't get her fast enough.

P.S.  Nausea, you can get the hell out of my life now, thank you very much.

Health Infusion via Shakeology

Some of you guys remember where this all started--my quest to get my health back.  And if you've been there throughout the journey from cardiac ablations for 3 arrhythmias to the current diagnosis of Autoimmune Hepatitis.. then you know how this has gone and what I've been through over the past few years, especially the last two.  At one point, about a year ago, I decided to add Shakeology to the mix, to replace breakfast and have a good, solid, nutritious start to the day.  That infusion of healthy goodies was a GOOD thing.  Did it fix my issues?  Of course not, because I had no idea I was dealing with AIH at the time.  But it did me some good nonetheless.

I've reinstated myself into the program again, with this time not as a sole source of weight loss, but as an overall step towards better help and feeling good.  I'm wrapping that package up with Weight Watchers--because it's the most realistic WOE that there is.  But I feel pretty good about my decision.

Challenges are there in the form of prednisone side effects, one of the biggest being constant hunger.  I mean, real hunger that doesn't let up, with no satiety really being reached but for a couple of minutes tops.  This is a big one when you're trying to get healthier, lose a few pounds, and get your shit together.  I have to face that monster every single day while on Pred, and it may linger for some time afterwards.  The BIG question is: When is AFTERWARDS?

Afterwards is a huge question looming overhead at the moment.  Some people are on medication (pred, Imuran.. or both) long-term, sometimes indefinitely (though that's mostly the Imuran or other immunosuppressant).  For many the medication stays on-board for about 2 years, in which case another liver biopsy will be performed to confirm remission.  TWO YEARS on prednisone.  TWO!  Even at a low dose of 5mg-10mg the effects on the body, both good and bad, are significant.  So at what time does the prednisone become low enough in the body to allow things to return to normal, or close to normal, and weight loss and good health begin?

If only I had the answer.

The effects of prednisone, btw, can last up to TWO YEARS even when it's completely stopped.  This means low adrenals etc. can still wreak havoc until the body begins to produce cortisol on its own again.  Yay.  Not.

No matter what, this is a necessary evil (Prednisone).  Without it I stand a significant risk of AIH causing such damage as fibrosis--leading to cirrhosis--which at some point the liver becomes mostly non-function and a transplant becomes necessary.  This is, of course, the worst case scenario brought about by leaving the situation untreated.  As you can see, Prednisone really is the necessary evil.

So be it.  Here it is.  My 'new normal.'

I'll be glad when my Shakeology shipment comes in the mail.  Just saying...

Still fighting to find my bearings

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.

Above and Beyond the Beautiful: Food, Diet, Health.. or something else?

Life.  My life.  Not a single iota of it makes any sense to me.  But I am aware that there is great beauty in the world, natural wonders and love that runs deep and steady; they just don't exist in my current place in life.  Chronic pain has its effects, and when it's relentless all meaning of things once important to me slips away.  I don't include my children, etc. in this, btw.  But the meaning of my own life has turned dull and gray some time ago, and my current situation is key to holding that dullness in place, steady, and keeping me in emotional shackles.  Finding my way out of it all has become all-important.

Worrying about my current state of health isn't to say I'm scared of diagnosis, prognosis, etc. as much as I fear not being able to LIVE, to feel good, vibrant, energetic, and to reach for and achieve that which is so important to me.  It's not the ability to live that scares me---it's the inability to live well and happy.

I currently have no quality of life.

I have to decide from day to day if I have enough energy and am without pain enough to even dare to dream of the future, what I want and need in my life, where I want to go and how I want to get there. The physical pain is now all-consuming and the backdrop to every single event (few as they are).  How I get from the beginning of the day to the end is the only thing I can focus on.  How well will I sleep if at all?  Will I be able to sit, stand, walk, or lay down comfortably?  Will I be able to eat with the constant queasiness and nausea?  Will I be able to tolerate having T around me?  Will I be able to handle his indifference, self-centeredness and self-serving behaviors?  So many questions I have to answer every day and every night, and too many times I don't have answers, nor solutions, no cures or fixes, and no method of coping if not.

To be brutally honest, there are days when I know I would welcome going to sleep and not waking up.  The pain, the physical pain... is that bad, and mostly because there is absolutely NO respite from it, not even sleep.  No respite at all, not ever, not a moment.  I don't understand it, and no doctor has yet to determine the cause or find a solution.

I just have to get through today.

I just have to get through today.

....just today.

Is it my diet?  My attitude?  Will nourishing my body in a healthful way help me at all?  How do I convince T of what I need to do to get well, to thrive, to LIVE???!  Ultimately I have no control over most of what happens in my life since T came into it, and I believe it's time to put my foot down so that I can put myself first, for my health, my LIFE.  I'm not going to make it very long with things as they are, and I'm not going to heal and acquire health if I don't take precise steps to obtain that.  Why is he so resistant to my getting well????

I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

Boo's Juicy Bits....

I've strayed more than just a little from the intended purpose of this blog.  But then, maybe I didn't if I'm simply following the course of events while trying to regain my health and happiness again.  At the basis of health and vitality there is nutrition, and I STILL believe wholeheartedly that a plant-based diet is the best course, as long as you follow the rules and not get yourself into trouble with deficiencies.  I had an undiagnosed iron deficiency which made things very difficult as far as eating vegetarian.  It's okay, though, because correcting the anemia and replenishing absent iron stores takes precedence over focusing on a vegetarian diet.  What I needed the most was iron-rich foods, and HEME iron at that.  But this is really not the focus of what I'm trying to say here....

Back to the health and vitality part...

In order to have emotional/mental vitality, to be at the top of your game, to live strong, feel strong, to THRIVE... you of course need to have good health.  Seems like a conundrum, doesn't it?  It is.  And it isn't.  Though that's not to say it's easy trying to find out what came first.. the chicken or the egg.

So yes, this downward spiral of health began a few years ago, and in THAT respect I can recognize very well, in retrospect, which came first.  Emotionally I was fighting a losing battle, at odds with someone I loved immensely, and wrongly trusted with my heart AND my mind.  I made a mistake in that, sure, but the damage was done and it wreaked major havoc on my health.  I'm STILL dealing with the after-effects.  It's a process.

Choosing to work through this on another (new) blog, "This Free Spirit," is helping.  But actual healing is going to take much more than that--this I know.  Stuffing the emotions down via new age voodoo isn't going to do it, because it's STILL there... even though you've lost access to those feelings.  I promise you, this is the very LAST thing you should EVER consider to try and 'rid' yourself of damaged you've sustained to your 'self' by others, or by your own doing.  There are far too many ways to help people ESCAPE the feelings.  But again, those methods only BURY them deeply so you don't recognize what it is that you're dealing with anymore.

The ONLY way to truly heal is to FACE those demons head-on, because they really suck at being quiet or laying low.

Seriously.

Here is the part where I CHOOSE to change my focus, while still acknowledging what I'm dealing with.  Here is where I return to the intended purpose of this blog---health, eating, etc.---while still sharing life effects that remain a backdrop to such endeavors.

Life...

Running interference

"STOP!"  Some words have lost their effectiveness.  As many times as I tell myself to stop with the stupid internal dialogue it has yet to have any real effect on me.  Damn, but my inner child is stubborn as hell!  But then, all of me tends to be that way.  With a lack of a support network I'm left to my own devices, and the on-screen blabbering of an indifferent internet to fill that void.  Guess what?  NONE of it's working.

Inspiration, more specifically the lack thereof, squashes motivation before it even gets out of the gate.  Am I saying I'm uninspired, then I would have to say "YES!"  Knowing my situation will only change when I facilitate that change (personally) is enough pressure all on its own, but when I'm told my my cardiologist that I can't exercise until after I have the nuclear stress test and get the results, well, that really puts a massive damper on things.  And waiting is just another level of hell.

My subconscious is raging against all that's happening, behaving like a willful, spoiled brat, and one in which I can't exactly order to go stand in the corner somewhere.  So the tantrums ensue, unchecked.  Yippee.

Yesterday I saw an orthodontist about an oral device that will help with this mild sleep apnea.  While waiting in the office I thumbed through a huge binder filled with handwritten testimonies of people who've gotten this device (which is a lot like what you wear to protect your teeth if you grind them in your sleep).  Anyway, encouragement and hope literally poured from the pages, and I actually felt myself on the verge of tears at the thought that "I" could really feel THAT good again.  There are things I still need to do with regards to my teeth, like get a dental implant for the one I cracked severely from years of grinding my teeth, so that will slow things down a bit.  Waiting... has never been my strong point.  Delayed gratification sucks when it's something this necessary, vital even.

For every night I spend in poor sleep, I wake to feel as if I'd not slept at all.  So how is it that I'm going to be able to wait for the next few weeks in order to deal with the process of getting that dental implant?  How in the hell do I make myself okay with feeling like THIS for yet a few more weeks?  I really don't know that I can do it.  BUT, I have to.  They can't have them make that oral device before I have the other done because it won't fit.  Ugh.

As my subconscious rages, as it seeks to pout and crawl into a deep, dark hole where it can sulk in private, I'm left with the aftermath of its childish behavior; depression, hopelessness, sadness, bewilderment, and at times anger.  Screw this.  My subconscious and I need to have a damn talk!

I really could use a support network right now.  Having to admit such a frailty is really uncomfortable, I'll have you know.  Over the years I've changed from someone who was open, okay with expressing feelings and allowing them to flow through me so I could deal with them, to someone who refuses to cry in front of anyone, to show my vulnerability, and to even express my needs.  This unpleasant change began a few years ago and has continued to hold onto the part of me I want back.  I feel like a damn hostage inside my own body.  Wtf?

Free me...

In the wake of a 12 hour night

Insomnia is the usual case for me, especially over the past year.  Very difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult waking up.  It's not that I don't wake up, it's more that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do.  This has been destroying my quality of life for some time now.  And last night was an unusual event as I slept for about 12 hours.  I do have to say, however, that it wasn't an unbroken sleep.  But even if within that broken 12 hours I managed to get 11 hours, I can feel a bit of change today.  Hasn't resolved everything, but I feel somewhat different.  This has to be brought under control.  And this... effects EVERYTHING about my life.  EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, after I have a fairly decent night's sleep I wake up feeling odd, too aware of everything.  I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell you the truth.  In fact, it's quite unsettling.  In the fog of sleep deprivation and other limiting health issues it's almost a Godsend to have reality blurred somewhat.  I know it sounds crazy, but you don't know my life.. not really.  My 'life' hovers on the edges of that blurred reality for the most part, and when the lines begin to sharpen around what I've been ignoring and the stark reality of what actually IS...my anxiety builds.  Why?  Well, isn't it obvious?  Frankly put---I don't like my reality.

Changing my reality:

I've not given up.  I'm searching for answers.  If those answers are WITHIN me, then those things are buried DEEP, because I can't seem to access them at all.  So what's next?  Yeah, you hear that a lot here, don't you?  If I had the answers to that I'd already being doing it, trust me.

Still, I have to compartmentalize everything these days just so I can deal; I think we all pretty much do this.  I guess the trick is to not completely seal everything off.  *shrugs*

Healing.  Healing is absolutely NECESSARY to getting back to myself again.  I have to heal in mind, body, and spirit.  No matter what, I will have no quality of life if I don't heal.  So how do I do that?  How do I heal while in a place that isn't conducive to healing?  THAT is the million dollar question.

I'm stuck:

What do I do?  Where do I go?  How do I start?  When do I start?  How long will it take?  Which path is right?  Will I find my footing?

There isn't a single soul around that I can talk to about this.  The few people I have to talk to I can't open up to.  It's difficult to talk to someone who's not listening.

There's nothing that instills mistrust in another person than trying to talk to someone about something critical, important and having them shrug it off as if it's insignificant.  I'm not a fool, and I can tell when someone really could give a shit less.  All it takes is once, and I won't open up to that person again...

"Sorry to hear that.  Hope you feel better soon."  Wow.  Can't tell you how much this one puts me off.

Platitudes are not only insulting and hurtful to me, but they make you look shallow and self-absorbed.  Seriously.

It's been said that we live in a 'ME ME ME' era, and I have to agree.  Opening up to another human being, wether a friend or relative, is almost pointless these days.  At least it's been this way for me.  And...this is why I have blogs.  Opening up to people usually just brings on the deadpan platitudes that actually make me feel worse.

Does anyone in this country give a shit about anything at all?

Even T is deadpan, self-absorbed to the point of not seeing or hearing or feeling anything about anyone around him.  Most of all me.  But I'm adjusting to that, which means... my feelings toward him are changing radically, and now... irreversibly.  He was warned about this some time back, so he knew the risk of maintaining the status-quo.  Once I accepted that I have to focus on myself in order to heal, to get well, to reach for a better quality of life, to be happy, hopeful, and vibrant... things became both easier and more difficult at the same time.  I never expected this to be easy.

Back to sleep...

My dreams tell all.  I tend to dream a lot these days, and I dream of a reality that isn't, or at least used to be, MY reality.  I'm never tired, sick, painful, or alone in my dreams.  When I sleep.. I'm exactly where I want to be in my waking life.  I know what it is that I want, and my subconscious is showing me every single night how vastly WRONG my actual life is.  Many times I absolutely hate waking up.

It's going to be a long process, reaching my goals, and I will have to remind myself each and every day what those goals are.  I will also have to do everything in my power not to give up, because what happens in the reality of my life makes me want to give up.  This isn't a good thing.  At all.

So, what now?

Our own personal static

Being present.  It's not always the easiest thing in the world, is it?  I mean, every single human being on this planet has to deal with pulling themselves back from their own personal static.  It's not about being falsely-focused during a conversation, but rather being genuinely interested, connected, even polite.  The static is always there, always real, and it makes us who we are.  In fact, that static of our own thoughts is a simple by-product of a complex intellect.  And we are all participants in self-indulgence, mired in the buzz and whir of, well, thinking.  There's just too much going on in our heads, right?

Wrong.

I can say with confidence that being ignored isn't one of my favorite things, and yet it is a daily energy-suck that refuses to let go of me.  I live with someone who is chronically in the throes of his own personal static.  Honestly, these days I feel like a ghost, invisible, and as if I have absolutely no voice whatsoever.  It's getting to me.

This entry sat in "Drafts" for some time now, and oddly.. it's relevant to what's going on STILL.  I'm personally tired of the static I'm surrounded by in my everyday life here with T.

More on this another time...