Experiment #1...

Until my shoulder heals and typing is no longer painful, I'll be making these audio entries.  This first one is only an experiment, but I'll be making more soon with an actual message. lol  ;p  Thanks for hanging in there with me.  xo

Nausea, diet, eating... who cares?

I'm trying my best today to touch base in all of my blogs.  Don't expect something scintillating or awe-inspiring, because I can promise you... that's not going to happen today.  I'm beyond sick with Prednisone withdrawal symptoms and am waiting for my dr to let me know if I can taper slower.. to ease the migraine headaches and nausea.  It's simply just too much to handle.

I've not decided if I'm going to continue the Shakeology.  And I LOVE Shakeology.  It's not about the cost or what it is or if it works (it does), but I'm unable to even stand at the counter long enough to make a shake at this point.  It will get better.

Basically, all weight loss efforts are put aside for the moment.  Maintaining my weight will be the goal, and achieving better health is the goal.  Once I'm at a point where my body isn't being torn down by illness or Pred withdrawal, I can focus more on weight loss.  At least at this time coming off the Pred has lowered my appetite and, as of today, obliterated it altogether.  I'm guessing what I'm going through is a necessary evil I will just have to endure for a while.

Remembering to be gentle with myself isn't always easy.

Somehow, some way, I will overcome all of this.

OMG Prednisone! STOP IT!

So, as you guys know I began using Shakeology again.  Which is a VERY good thing, btw.  However, what's NOT so good is that this dang prednisone hell I'm in makes me hungry, VERY hungry like 24/7.  *sigh*  I know I'm still doing something great for my body by having that nutritious shake for breakfast each day, but how the hell am I supposed to thwart the PredMonster with a shake?  Ugh.  I'm not going to win that battle, as others who've had to use this stuff long-term can attest.  But dang it!  I'm GOING to have to do something.

My doctor said, "It will make you gain weight.  It's going to.  Which is why we're going to get you off this stuff soon."  Well, yeah.. I certainly hope so!  I mean, even after coming off prednisone, which takes a while, the effects can last up to TWO YEARS.  It's only been about a year and a half since the last round of Pred, and I was struggling like crazy to get even a few pounds off without resorting to extreme remedies such as a long juice-fast.  Seriously, my body can't take another fast, because it's not great for your liver if you have liver issues already.

T... well meaning most of the time but indifferent as hell.  That indifference means he doesn't pay attention to anything I talk to him about, tell him, warn him about, nor does he remember most of what I tell him I need to do and not do with regards to eating.  It all just falls to the wayside the second he sees and seizes an opportunity for a quick meal.  I can't do quick meals anymore.  I can't do the salt, sugar, fat, and heavily processed carbs.  I can't.  While on this medication (prednisone) I have to steer clear of things that are going to wreck my health.

One of the risks with long-term prednisone is hypertension, and another lovely one is type II diabetes brought about by the drug itself.  Hypertension and diabetes.  Salt and sugar.  So what does T do?  He decides it's just easier if HE goes to the grocery store and gets whatever, because it's on his way home etc.  And what does he bring home?...?...

PopTarts.
Pastries.
Chips.
Dip.
Frozen/pre-packaged meals in a box or bag.
Ice-cream.
Cherry pastries.
....etc.

And the above was in ONE trip!  Just yesterday.  *sigh*

When your hunger is kicked into high gear ALL OF THE TIME, and you have all that junk sitting around, it's nearly impossible to not snack all day.  And pred, oddly, can dull your taste buds so that healthy, nutritious food fails miserably in the flavor dept.  I mean, dull, bland, and about as tasty as wet cardboard.  Not that I know what wet cardboard tastes like, mind you, but I would imagine it would be about like what I taste when I eat steamed veggies.

Shakeology is an investment in one's health, and it's not a cheap investment either.  So how in the hell am I to get anywhere near healthy if I have a Shakeology shake for breakfast, only to follow it up with a cherry pastry about an hour later?

I've sent food with T to work over this very thing.  When he brings junk food home I usually tell him to take it to his work and leave it there, eat it, or share it with coworkers.  I just need it OUT OF THE HOUSE and away from temptation.

Is that so much to ask?

My next move is to begin research on a home exercise bike, one of high quality.  Exercise tends to make a person WANT to eat better, make better choices.  Maybe, just maybe this will do the trick.  As for stopping T from bringing home junk food, well, I've no idea how to stop that just yet.

God help me...

When Bitchy Doesn't Make You a Bitch

So I had a little time to write about "My Inner Child is a Bitch" on Where Fireflies Dream (link on the side bar).  In some ways I'm trying to hang on to the humorous side of things in an attempt to thwart being knocked on my ass by life, my health issues, and this damned chronic pain and fatigue (etc).

As you know, we've pretty much become the most butthurt and offended society in the damn world.  People are losing their sense of humor trying to be as politically correct as possible, and the end result is that their egos inflate to a point where, I swear, their heads are going to explode!  WTH is up with that anyway?  Doesn't matter, because "I" refuse to go there.  I'm keeping my crazy sense of humor, thank you very much. ;)

Whatever happened to people not taking themselves so seriously, anyway?  I know, I know.  It's the trend now, the "in thing" to be not just overly politically-correct, but also to be OVERLY-FREAKING-SENSITIVE.  Walking on eggshells is now what we have to do in order to NOT offend someone.  Again, there is no freaking way I'm going to edit what I think or feel or say or do based on anything OTHER than morals and ethics.  I will never base my behavior, etc. on what's politically-correct at the time.  Nope. No way, Jose.

Somehow, some way, I do hope people's butthurt heals. Hell, have the butthurt removed, because it's a cancer.  Or, put an emotional bandaid on it and pull up your big girl/big boy undies and get on with life already!

No---we should NOT EVER subscribe to being insensitive or deliberately hurting another's feelings.  And if that happens, apologize.  But be who you are!  Laugh at yourself sometimes!

Here's a thought:  Buy a clown nose, and when you find yourself completely pissed off.. put it on and take a few selfies.  You don't think that will work???  Try it!  Seriously! ;)  I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Still fighting to find my bearings

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.

Break out the fava beans and Chianti...

Ok.  Ok.  Just kidding.  First of all, the pic of the flowers (yes, enhanced for artistic effect) were given to me by T yesterday.  I have to admit I was very surprised, but he said he knew I wasn't feeling good and wanted to do something for me to make me feel a little better.  The gesture is incredibly sweet, and it comes on the heels of some news.

As you may know from reading other posts, and/or my other blogs, I had a transjugular biopsy on my liver a couple of days ago.  Yesterday I received a call from my GI/liver specialist's office telling me he wants me to have an ultrasound on my liver on Monday to double-check some things because they found elevated portal pressures (hepatic portal vein).  I told T I had an ultrasound scheduled on Monday (also have another appt with my hematologist at the same hospital) and why.  I guess maybe he's getting the idea now that I'm not making up symptoms and that I really do feel this bad.

This is the most difficult about having chronic illness, or just an illness that doesn't present with something you can see clearly with your eyes.  Many times there are signs and clues, such as deepening dark circles under and around the eyes--to the point where it looks like someone hit you in the face, maybe the person's eyes look 'duller' and less bright and 'open,' or maybe it's a number of things that, had you not seen the person for a while would startle you.  Too many people suffer with different illnesses and are often not believed, shrugged off, and worse... because they can't SEE everything going on.  Even with a diagnosis it seems that, unless it's cancer, etc., no one believes that you can be extremely sick and still be able to stand.. at all.  I simply don't get this brand of compassionless thinking.

I'm not going to focus on people who lack compassion or the ability to try and understand what they've not experienced, so I will leave my thoughts on the matter as-is.  Right now my focus, my goal is just to continue to wait for test results in order to get answers, as well as solutions.

Staying in a peaceful mindset is going to take a bit of work today.  I'll keep trying just the same.