Fact after the fact.

Had an appointment with the Dentist re my "mild" sleep apnea.  This diagnosis, btw, was really surprising to me, because I knew I wasn't sleeping well but thought it was because I was waking up so much during the night.  Pain, etc., all played a roll in my tossing and turning at night, fighting will a stubborn pillow which refused to submit to my will, and wresting with a blanket that I once viewed as the softest, most comfy-cozy piece of fabric on earth.  I mean, microfiber is the shit, is it not?  Yet, it never occurred to me that I could have sleep apnea.  Who knew?

This diagnosis, as you guys may know from past entries here, and on my other blogs, happened a few months back, even prior to the AIH diagnosis.  However, the dentist I see who makes the oral device (CPAP is out of the question) revealed my "score" as "11."  I had no idea I even had a score, much less what that number was.  I really need a new pulmonologist.  Sheesh.

So the dentist held up my chart with "11" written with a black Sharpie and explained what was what, again, and what I should look for in changes as the device is adjusted over the next couple of weeks.  I asked him, as T did (he was there) what the number meant, and this is what he told me....

"That number is the score they gave you based on how many times you stop breathing while sleeping."

Well.  Alrighty then.

So as he further explained, it's a score based on how many times a person stops breathing during the night divided by how many hours they slept.  The score means that, on average, I stop breathing 11 times per hour.

I sat there for a moment considering this information, and I wasn't sure how to react really because it was the first time I learned of this.  No one at the sleep study center told me, and my pulmonologist didn't bother telling me at all either.  It took a minute to digest.

So I guess there's a damn good reason I'm tired all of the time--in addition to all the pain and weakness.  But wow.  11 times an hour--and that's in the MILD sleep apnea range.  Crazy.

Over time it will be interesting to see how I feel as the device is adjusted forward.  This device, btw, moves the lower jaw forward a little to open up the airway and move the tongue forward--this is based on CPR maneuvers.  Pretty cool.  But it takes a little time because if the jaw is moved forward too quickly it can cause TMJ.  I already have issues with this due to grinding my teeth when I sleep, something the dentist has told me is solely due to stress.  In fact, when I asked him what the 'cure' is, he replied... "Not being stressed."

Well, I'm shit out of luck in that department.  Oh well.  So anyway, the adjustments for me have to be done a LOT slower due to this.

On another subject, I will have a new cardiologist soon.  My first appt will be in May.

Now that I've made my arms ache typing... I'll wrap this up.  There's more to say but I'll give myself a little time in that respect...

Random Thoughts at 3am

I had to make that meme.  I suppose it's just that one goofy part of me (sense of humor) that refuses to buckle under the health issues.  Yeah, I'm just ninja like that.

ANYHOO....Insomnia is a fickle bedfellow these days.  Incredibly unpredictable, I never quite know what it is I'm facing when I get into bed each night.  There's something triggering me to wake up when I go to bed, but I've yet to pinpoint exactly what that is.  Even nodding off on the sofa prior to going to bed doesn't guarantee I'll sleep once I get there, and in fact... it's almost a given now that I'm going to be waiting up, tossing and turning, until the wee hours of the night.  And what does this do besides keep me tired and exhausted?  For one, I get strange dreams, ones I really could've done without.  No, not nightmares... just dreams.  But still...

So it's 2am, 3am.. and stupid, random thoughts pop into my brain, which triggers more thinking, thinking, thinking... blah blah blah.  Damn.  Seriously.  WTH?  Most of it isn't even worth thinking about, I promise.

Okay, so falling back asleep this morning in hopes of getting about 5 hours I had a dream, and one that puzzles the crap out of me.  Well, I suppose most dreams don't make sense, right?  They're usually random babbling and broken intel of things we are either not dealing with, dealing with poorly, or unaware that we need to deal, you know, with those things.  But what about those dreams that aren't as chaotic and confusing?  What about the dreams that leave us thinking.. "Wow. That was so REAL!"  What about THOSE dreams?  You know the kind I'm talking about.

If your dream makes sense, what's the message?  That's the big question, isn't it?

I'm not sure what to make of my dream.  The content, which I'm not wanting to talk about, I think I understand, but my REACTION to it is yet another thing entirely.  It made me sad, seeing what I saw in the dream, though the actual thing happening wasn't a sad thing at all.  So.. wth gives?

Sorry to be vague about the dream itself, but some things are just TOO revealing of my own thoughts and feelings, feelings I'd rather keep to myself.  I'm trusting my instincts on this.  I may actually talk about this stuff in detail at some point, but I prefer to wait until I'm ready.  Hope you guys understand.

The other crazy thing that's happened today, post-dream, is that I feel a little anxious about my future.  It's like I'm being forced to assess what I want and how I plan to go about getting what I want, in terms of my future, happiness, health, and so on.  I don't have the luxury of being on auto-pilot, so introspection and continually assessing where I am and where I'm heading is really important.  T is more of an auto-pilot type, and it's not always easy for someone like me who's trying to take the wheel of my own life to be around someone who's just, well, letting life happen to him.  Not to say that his life is bad, because he's really chill and content most of the time.  I like to see where I'm heading, though, so laying back and riding the current isn't going to work for me right now.  Not sure it will ever work, to tell you the truth.

I wish I knew what my subconscious was trying to tell me.  I have a guess, but I don't LIKE that guess so am keeping an open mind and hoping I'm full of it. ;p

That's a lot of writing for someone who's as tired as I am.  Sheesh....

Above and Beyond the Beautiful: Food, Diet, Health.. or something else?

Life.  My life.  Not a single iota of it makes any sense to me.  But I am aware that there is great beauty in the world, natural wonders and love that runs deep and steady; they just don't exist in my current place in life.  Chronic pain has its effects, and when it's relentless all meaning of things once important to me slips away.  I don't include my children, etc. in this, btw.  But the meaning of my own life has turned dull and gray some time ago, and my current situation is key to holding that dullness in place, steady, and keeping me in emotional shackles.  Finding my way out of it all has become all-important.

Worrying about my current state of health isn't to say I'm scared of diagnosis, prognosis, etc. as much as I fear not being able to LIVE, to feel good, vibrant, energetic, and to reach for and achieve that which is so important to me.  It's not the ability to live that scares me---it's the inability to live well and happy.

I currently have no quality of life.

I have to decide from day to day if I have enough energy and am without pain enough to even dare to dream of the future, what I want and need in my life, where I want to go and how I want to get there. The physical pain is now all-consuming and the backdrop to every single event (few as they are).  How I get from the beginning of the day to the end is the only thing I can focus on.  How well will I sleep if at all?  Will I be able to sit, stand, walk, or lay down comfortably?  Will I be able to eat with the constant queasiness and nausea?  Will I be able to tolerate having T around me?  Will I be able to handle his indifference, self-centeredness and self-serving behaviors?  So many questions I have to answer every day and every night, and too many times I don't have answers, nor solutions, no cures or fixes, and no method of coping if not.

To be brutally honest, there are days when I know I would welcome going to sleep and not waking up.  The pain, the physical pain... is that bad, and mostly because there is absolutely NO respite from it, not even sleep.  No respite at all, not ever, not a moment.  I don't understand it, and no doctor has yet to determine the cause or find a solution.

I just have to get through today.

I just have to get through today.

....just today.

Is it my diet?  My attitude?  Will nourishing my body in a healthful way help me at all?  How do I convince T of what I need to do to get well, to thrive, to LIVE???!  Ultimately I have no control over most of what happens in my life since T came into it, and I believe it's time to put my foot down so that I can put myself first, for my health, my LIFE.  I'm not going to make it very long with things as they are, and I'm not going to heal and acquire health if I don't take precise steps to obtain that.  Why is he so resistant to my getting well????

I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

In the wake of a 12 hour night

Insomnia is the usual case for me, especially over the past year.  Very difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult waking up.  It's not that I don't wake up, it's more that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do.  This has been destroying my quality of life for some time now.  And last night was an unusual event as I slept for about 12 hours.  I do have to say, however, that it wasn't an unbroken sleep.  But even if within that broken 12 hours I managed to get 11 hours, I can feel a bit of change today.  Hasn't resolved everything, but I feel somewhat different.  This has to be brought under control.  And this... effects EVERYTHING about my life.  EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, after I have a fairly decent night's sleep I wake up feeling odd, too aware of everything.  I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell you the truth.  In fact, it's quite unsettling.  In the fog of sleep deprivation and other limiting health issues it's almost a Godsend to have reality blurred somewhat.  I know it sounds crazy, but you don't know my life.. not really.  My 'life' hovers on the edges of that blurred reality for the most part, and when the lines begin to sharpen around what I've been ignoring and the stark reality of what actually IS...my anxiety builds.  Why?  Well, isn't it obvious?  Frankly put---I don't like my reality.

Changing my reality:

I've not given up.  I'm searching for answers.  If those answers are WITHIN me, then those things are buried DEEP, because I can't seem to access them at all.  So what's next?  Yeah, you hear that a lot here, don't you?  If I had the answers to that I'd already being doing it, trust me.

Still, I have to compartmentalize everything these days just so I can deal; I think we all pretty much do this.  I guess the trick is to not completely seal everything off.  *shrugs*

Healing.  Healing is absolutely NECESSARY to getting back to myself again.  I have to heal in mind, body, and spirit.  No matter what, I will have no quality of life if I don't heal.  So how do I do that?  How do I heal while in a place that isn't conducive to healing?  THAT is the million dollar question.

I'm stuck:

What do I do?  Where do I go?  How do I start?  When do I start?  How long will it take?  Which path is right?  Will I find my footing?

There isn't a single soul around that I can talk to about this.  The few people I have to talk to I can't open up to.  It's difficult to talk to someone who's not listening.

There's nothing that instills mistrust in another person than trying to talk to someone about something critical, important and having them shrug it off as if it's insignificant.  I'm not a fool, and I can tell when someone really could give a shit less.  All it takes is once, and I won't open up to that person again...

"Sorry to hear that.  Hope you feel better soon."  Wow.  Can't tell you how much this one puts me off.

Platitudes are not only insulting and hurtful to me, but they make you look shallow and self-absorbed.  Seriously.

It's been said that we live in a 'ME ME ME' era, and I have to agree.  Opening up to another human being, wether a friend or relative, is almost pointless these days.  At least it's been this way for me.  And...this is why I have blogs.  Opening up to people usually just brings on the deadpan platitudes that actually make me feel worse.

Does anyone in this country give a shit about anything at all?

Even T is deadpan, self-absorbed to the point of not seeing or hearing or feeling anything about anyone around him.  Most of all me.  But I'm adjusting to that, which means... my feelings toward him are changing radically, and now... irreversibly.  He was warned about this some time back, so he knew the risk of maintaining the status-quo.  Once I accepted that I have to focus on myself in order to heal, to get well, to reach for a better quality of life, to be happy, hopeful, and vibrant... things became both easier and more difficult at the same time.  I never expected this to be easy.

Back to sleep...

My dreams tell all.  I tend to dream a lot these days, and I dream of a reality that isn't, or at least used to be, MY reality.  I'm never tired, sick, painful, or alone in my dreams.  When I sleep.. I'm exactly where I want to be in my waking life.  I know what it is that I want, and my subconscious is showing me every single night how vastly WRONG my actual life is.  Many times I absolutely hate waking up.

It's going to be a long process, reaching my goals, and I will have to remind myself each and every day what those goals are.  I will also have to do everything in my power not to give up, because what happens in the reality of my life makes me want to give up.  This isn't a good thing.  At all.

So, what now?