Really?

Shakeology is an awesome product, and it tastes really really good.  It replaces a meal, or two if you can spend that much money per month (I replace ONE).  Sounds easy, and it used to be.  But what I have to deal with NOW is that the weakness I have, the weird and excruciating lower back pain (despite the prednisone, no less) actually prevents me from being able to stand and MAKE that shake!  Is this the Myositis part of my current life experience?  Is it something else?  I mean, really?

I have to wonder where this is all leading.

So what's the solution to this?  I've NO idea.  Having to lean my elbows on the counter JUST to be able to stand there at all doesn't exactly allow for making that shake every morning or afternoon.  WTH?  *sigh*

The rest of my diet has changed dramatically due to this as well, and since I can't even stand long enough to make a sandwich.  The unhealthy alternatives, you know... the ones that you can quickly nuke without any preparation, well that's become my way of eating.  Trust me, this is not a good way of eating if you're goals are good/improved health.

I've considered replacing dinner with a shake so T can at least help.  I'm not sure how that will work, but it may be the only solution to the problem at this time.

This weakness stuff is ridiculous....

*ugh*

Shakeology day 1

What's there to say other than I drank my first shake today, replacing breakfast.  It's a step, and the shake is full of healthy goodies that will do my body good.  I have a coach, since I'm part of the ongoing plan Shakeology has, and I can ask her questions whenever I wish.  That's a good thing, and a definite plus.  I realize my situation isn't the norm, and I'm fighting against the prednisone weight gain, something I'd not gotten past since the last time I was on prednisone (for other reasons).  Being realistic about this means I know I'm doing something good for my body and spirit, even if my opponent (prednisone) is going to ultimately thwart any real weight loss goals at this time.  It's okay, because I'd rather be alive and NOT develop cirrhosis because my body image was more important than my body.

Exercise:  Given that my other opponent is the one I'm living with (T), that is yet another hurdle I have to clear.  One room designated as his study, as well as an exercise room, remains cluttered and not at all useful.  I've done what I personally could do, and the rest is up to him now.  What this means is week after week passing with excuse after excuse becoming the burnt offerings of an indifferent and uncaring individual who refuses to see how utterly important, necessary even, this is for my health and survival.

Today I'm putting my foot down, though.  My health can't wait.  This AI disease is a vengeful bitch, and I'm not about to allow it to take me over.  Exercise, eating right, having a peaceful inner spirit, calmness, all of that has to be in place to fight this.  Right now T is in the way.  Being blunt here, but he is absolutely in the way.

I've done all the footwork with finding a very good exercise bike to have at home.  I know how much space is needed in that office, and I bought a tv and blu-ray player to go in there to help pass the time as I exercise.  The cable is also ready for that tv as well.  And the room sits cluttered with boxes and crap that have yet to even be touched by T... much of it is his own stuff.  His lack of motivation and caring is crippling... to me.  HE is unencumbered by his own indifference, as he allows his own health to fall to the wayside.  I'm not going to do that to myself, and I'm completely done now with putting my own health aside for the happiness of another.  I have done that too long, and to my own detriment.

I'm on my own side now, in my own corner, standing up for myself, my health, my happiness.  If not me, then who?

Exactly.

Saturday

Tomorrow is Saturday, and the day my Shakeology is to arrive.  I have a plan, a fairly well thought out one as plans go, and I'm not mentally preparing to go this alone as no support network actually exists for me.  But the lack of a support system during these endeavors mustn't be the reason I don't try.

It's not like I can't do it on my own, because I can.  It's the motivation factor when things seem difficult or complicated, such is the case when you're taking steroids, that a good support system becomes your saving grace.  I've learned the hard way over the last several years that it's okay to need help, to want support during difficult times, and to not feel guilty about asking for that help.  It's easier now since I don't have those people in my life anymore who made me feel bad for wanting or needing emotional support during difficult times.

Over the course of each day I look for my motivation, signs of life if you will, and accept what it is that I find, and even what I don't find.  There will be bad days, and there will be good days, and every step forward, though painful, is still a step forward.  I can do this.

I.  Can. Do.  This.

My goals sometimes change by the day, and on occasion more than once in a day.  Rolling with the punches means adapting to anything new and finding a way to get right back up again, even if I've been soundly knocked on my ass.  The stressors are still here as well, and I try to overlook, ignore, and otherwise block out those things if I possibly can.

As I sit here and feel the pain return in my back, where my kidneys are, I'm evaluating how much I'll be able to do today.  It's different every day, and I accept that fact as simply my reality as it stands right now.  If I don't listen to my body I will pay the price---you guys have heard me say that a few times and, well, it's the absolute truth.  So what WILL I be able to accomplish today, other than the usual paces I put myself through no matter what?

I wish I had somewhere else to retreat to, somewhere that I can be absolutely free from the pressures here in my immediate environment.  Realistically, the only retreat right now is a set of Bose headphones and music; it's how I block out the world when I've simply had enough.

Yeah... I know I'm rambling and all over the place today.  Today?  Well, it's become 'situation, normal' for me right now, but it's just the way it is.  So be it. I'm going with it because I don't know what else to do.  However, my goal was to unload the chaos and focus on what's to come.  When the Shakeology stuff arrives on Saturday I will be mostly prepared... emotionally anyway.

Did ANY of this make ANY sense whatsoever?

*sigh*

Health Infusion via Shakeology

Some of you guys remember where this all started--my quest to get my health back.  And if you've been there throughout the journey from cardiac ablations for 3 arrhythmias to the current diagnosis of Autoimmune Hepatitis.. then you know how this has gone and what I've been through over the past few years, especially the last two.  At one point, about a year ago, I decided to add Shakeology to the mix, to replace breakfast and have a good, solid, nutritious start to the day.  That infusion of healthy goodies was a GOOD thing.  Did it fix my issues?  Of course not, because I had no idea I was dealing with AIH at the time.  But it did me some good nonetheless.

I've reinstated myself into the program again, with this time not as a sole source of weight loss, but as an overall step towards better help and feeling good.  I'm wrapping that package up with Weight Watchers--because it's the most realistic WOE that there is.  But I feel pretty good about my decision.

Challenges are there in the form of prednisone side effects, one of the biggest being constant hunger.  I mean, real hunger that doesn't let up, with no satiety really being reached but for a couple of minutes tops.  This is a big one when you're trying to get healthier, lose a few pounds, and get your shit together.  I have to face that monster every single day while on Pred, and it may linger for some time afterwards.  The BIG question is: When is AFTERWARDS?

Afterwards is a huge question looming overhead at the moment.  Some people are on medication (pred, Imuran.. or both) long-term, sometimes indefinitely (though that's mostly the Imuran or other immunosuppressant).  For many the medication stays on-board for about 2 years, in which case another liver biopsy will be performed to confirm remission.  TWO YEARS on prednisone.  TWO!  Even at a low dose of 5mg-10mg the effects on the body, both good and bad, are significant.  So at what time does the prednisone become low enough in the body to allow things to return to normal, or close to normal, and weight loss and good health begin?

If only I had the answer.

The effects of prednisone, btw, can last up to TWO YEARS even when it's completely stopped.  This means low adrenals etc. can still wreak havoc until the body begins to produce cortisol on its own again.  Yay.  Not.

No matter what, this is a necessary evil (Prednisone).  Without it I stand a significant risk of AIH causing such damage as fibrosis--leading to cirrhosis--which at some point the liver becomes mostly non-function and a transplant becomes necessary.  This is, of course, the worst case scenario brought about by leaving the situation untreated.  As you can see, Prednisone really is the necessary evil.

So be it.  Here it is.  My 'new normal.'

I'll be glad when my Shakeology shipment comes in the mail.  Just saying...