Post-Surgery Pain and the Damaging Effects of Indifference.

This is difficult.  Post-surgery for frozen shoulder and minor rotator cuff tear and I'm feeling like hell.    It will take a long time to recover and regain full use of my left arm, and dammit but it hurts to type.  I almost decided to do an audio blog but not enough privacy the last couple of days to do that.  So I'll make this just a quick check-in.

I'm not sleeping, mostly getting up several times a night to move my arm, elbow... to alleviate what pain I can.  This is often a tearful process.  I don't know when the big crash will come, but it will.  A human being simply can't withstand not sleeping like this.  On Wednesday, then on Saturday... things will change and hopefully for the better.

Sleeping on my side after this kind of surgery isn't the best idea, and it creates a world of pain, swelling to an unhealthy level in my arm.  This became the catalyst for ordering one of those Tempur Pedic beds.  NOT the cheapest thing in the world, but a very necessary one at this point as the healing process is going to take a long time.  So be it.  It's adjustable so I can support the back of my legs and have the back of the bed upright to manage sleeping without being on my side.  Saturday, a Laz-boy chair will arrive, and mostly for the same purpose.  As it stands now my options are to sit straight/upright or lay in a flat bed.  Both options mean pain and swelling.  But hey, those recliners are awesome and it's not like it won't be fully enjoyed way beyond the shoulder healing.

I suppose at this point I'm just rambling, but everything I am is consumed with the pain and trying to work past it without taking the powerful pain killers I was given.  The side effects sucks, and that means I'm making damn sure to take them sparingly.  But either way, my point is basically that I'll be dealing with this for a while and probably not making a lot of sense when I post.

There most likely won't be daily entries for a while, but I will try my best.

Post-surgery with all it's unbelievable pain has opened up a part of me that I really would rather leave closed, shut away, and ignored.  That echo chamber of the past and present merging in unsettling ways rumbles below the surface, always, making itself known at the darkest of hours and experiences.  I find myself unsettled---not just my circumstances or thoughts.  In the wee hours, especially when awakened by the almost ceaseless pain, true anxiety sets in and grips me.  Most of the time I can overcome it and get past it's frightening messages.  But then there are times when it takes hold and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and needing a strong, positive presence to jerk me back into a brighter reality.  Things is... I have no such strong, positive presence.  Yeah.
What to do with that.

As you guys know, indifference has been my companion.  T's indifference rears it's true self amidst the pain that really feels as if it's going to rip me apart.  You see, the first part of knowing how to squash pain naturally is to avoid stress at all costs, because stress destroy's the body's own ability to send much-needed pain killers to it's needed location.  Over time, especially in the presence of AI disease and fibromyalgia.... the breakdown of this mechanism is swift and brutal, leaving me without any natural defenses.  This sucks.

I've been brought to tears by the sheer intensity and duration of this pain, and the fibro is in a massive flare-up now, adding wide-spread, diffuse pain to that of the post-surgical.  While it's nothing to brag about, I will admit that I've been brought to my knees by the force of it all, crying so hard I felt as if my head would explode.  Late at night, when it's at its worst T will simply get up, stand there... and say nothing, do nothing, offer nothing.  I've had to tell him it's best he stay away rather than bring that indifference to the already miserable situation.

It is times like this that I long for "home," whatever and wherever that is.  No one to reach out to, to plead to, or talk to.  Not a parent, sibling, or best friend.  No one.  It's only when either by exhaustion or prescription intervention does the pain lessen a little, just enough for my mind to bring forth an image of a healthy, happy, joyful, fulfilled and pain-free me.  When I fall asleep... it sometimes carries me into dreaming, those thoughts.

My arm is in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm going to sign off.  I hope that each day with willpower and physical therapy.. and even the weaker moments when I allow myself the prescription help to relieve the pain... maybe I'll get stronger, better.  I have 3 days of PT this coming week... and I pray it's the start to real recovery.

I need this pain to stop.  I really do.

Hopefully I can post tomorrow.

PS... I was amazed at how many page views Where Fireflies Dream received.... gave me a smile.

OMG Prednisone! STOP IT!

So, as you guys know I began using Shakeology again.  Which is a VERY good thing, btw.  However, what's NOT so good is that this dang prednisone hell I'm in makes me hungry, VERY hungry like 24/7.  *sigh*  I know I'm still doing something great for my body by having that nutritious shake for breakfast each day, but how the hell am I supposed to thwart the PredMonster with a shake?  Ugh.  I'm not going to win that battle, as others who've had to use this stuff long-term can attest.  But dang it!  I'm GOING to have to do something.

My doctor said, "It will make you gain weight.  It's going to.  Which is why we're going to get you off this stuff soon."  Well, yeah.. I certainly hope so!  I mean, even after coming off prednisone, which takes a while, the effects can last up to TWO YEARS.  It's only been about a year and a half since the last round of Pred, and I was struggling like crazy to get even a few pounds off without resorting to extreme remedies such as a long juice-fast.  Seriously, my body can't take another fast, because it's not great for your liver if you have liver issues already.

T... well meaning most of the time but indifferent as hell.  That indifference means he doesn't pay attention to anything I talk to him about, tell him, warn him about, nor does he remember most of what I tell him I need to do and not do with regards to eating.  It all just falls to the wayside the second he sees and seizes an opportunity for a quick meal.  I can't do quick meals anymore.  I can't do the salt, sugar, fat, and heavily processed carbs.  I can't.  While on this medication (prednisone) I have to steer clear of things that are going to wreck my health.

One of the risks with long-term prednisone is hypertension, and another lovely one is type II diabetes brought about by the drug itself.  Hypertension and diabetes.  Salt and sugar.  So what does T do?  He decides it's just easier if HE goes to the grocery store and gets whatever, because it's on his way home etc.  And what does he bring home?...?...

PopTarts.
Pastries.
Chips.
Dip.
Frozen/pre-packaged meals in a box or bag.
Ice-cream.
Cherry pastries.
....etc.

And the above was in ONE trip!  Just yesterday.  *sigh*

When your hunger is kicked into high gear ALL OF THE TIME, and you have all that junk sitting around, it's nearly impossible to not snack all day.  And pred, oddly, can dull your taste buds so that healthy, nutritious food fails miserably in the flavor dept.  I mean, dull, bland, and about as tasty as wet cardboard.  Not that I know what wet cardboard tastes like, mind you, but I would imagine it would be about like what I taste when I eat steamed veggies.

Shakeology is an investment in one's health, and it's not a cheap investment either.  So how in the hell am I to get anywhere near healthy if I have a Shakeology shake for breakfast, only to follow it up with a cherry pastry about an hour later?

I've sent food with T to work over this very thing.  When he brings junk food home I usually tell him to take it to his work and leave it there, eat it, or share it with coworkers.  I just need it OUT OF THE HOUSE and away from temptation.

Is that so much to ask?

My next move is to begin research on a home exercise bike, one of high quality.  Exercise tends to make a person WANT to eat better, make better choices.  Maybe, just maybe this will do the trick.  As for stopping T from bringing home junk food, well, I've no idea how to stop that just yet.

God help me...

You can't treat me this way

It is said that even the strongest of feelings expire when ignored or taken for granted.  And this is not the first time I've felt those feelings die inside me....

It's becoming ever clearer to me that I have to take back my life.  I resolved a few years ago to not allow another guy treat me badly, and somewhere along the way... I've become my best advocate.  How did I manage to get that right?  ;)  It's all good, because I know what's needed and just have to get to the task of implementing the things I know that work.  The lessons learned by a therapist I spoke to a few years ago have become invaluable and necessary.

Don't let anyone tell you there's anything wrong with talking to a therapist.  A strong person will look for expert advice when they feel stuck, as I did.  While I spoke to her for only a short time, what she revealed to me would forever change my life.  I now have tools at my disposal for not only recognizing that which harms me, but also for ensuring I don't become easy prey again.

People cause harm in many ways, right?  But we don't often recognize what's happening until the damage is done.  The real trick is to stop things before the damage becomes permanent on ANY level.  I was only somewhat lucky in that, but the parts of me that were deeply harmed are now the strongest.  Go figure.  I guess the cliche we all overuse to some some degree actually has merit.

Intention.  So this is something we humans also focus on when assessing where we are in a complicated situation.  We ask ourselves 'What did they mean?' or 'Did they really mean that?' in scenarios where we're blindsided by the harmful actions or words by another.   No matter if I question the other person's motives, because I've learned to ask myself the more important questions: "Am I okay with this, and if not, how am I going to handle things?"

My striving for better health while doctors give me medications that literally counteract that goal means I have very little tolerance for bullshit these days.  In this present state of body and mind I have absolutely NO PROBLEM asserting myself.  And I will tell you that this is something quite new for me.  Somewhere along the line I grew one hell of a backbone.  I'm more than okay with this, btw.

Oddly, since being with T I've evolved to focusing less on "love" than on respect and humanity, compassion and kindness.  I never EVER ask "Does he love me?"  Because, honestly, that means nothing to me right now.  I don't equate love with gifts, material things, money, or even someone's physical presence.  No, because those things mean nothing if the motivation behind one's actions are self-serving or indifferent.  And yes, people CAN give you material things, money, even their time... and not have your best intentions as their motive.  I will never be swayed by 'stuff,' nor by someone who feels as if they're doing me a huge favor simply by 'gifting' me with their presence.

If someone is here and yet 'not here,' being alone is far more peaceful, healing, and promoting of good physical and mental health.  It's just plain unhealthy to be around someone who is barely, if at all, actually 'there.'  But what does this mean, exactly?

A person has the ability to be present while not saying or doing anything.  You can sit quietly next to someone and feel their presence.  It's unmistakable if you're paying attention.  Unfortunately, I've been 'empathic' my entire life, and even as a child I could strongly feel when someone didn't want me around, was angry with me, etc.  I assumed everyone was like this, and boy was I ever wrong.  Even so, coming to terms with that part of me as an adult was both easy and difficult, because I really didn't know WHAT I was to do with that information.

I can filter somewhat, but not very well what I feel from others.

When being misunderstood becomes a major stressor:

This is a big peeve of mine.  Communication breaks down if one party is always over-scrutinizing what the other is saying.  Wth can't people just, you know, LISTEN?  Why do some people allow the wheels of overthinking to kick in and destroy what would otherwise be a productive conversation?  I will never understand this as long as I live.  Honestly, just listen to what the other person is saying before you pass judgment on what you THINK they "mean" by their words!  I've dealt with this way too much over the past few years, and I'm more about a 50/50 conversation that both people are not only participating in, but equally open-minded in as well.

In my current situation, due to the 'tuning-out' factor, I'm often misunderstood.  I mean, if you're not really listening or engaged in the exchange then you're not going to actually HEAR what it is I'm saying.  And if you don't WANT to be in the conversation, man-up and say so.  There are always other people to talk to.  People who've known me for many years understand me, and they do so because they've been a respectful participant in enough conversations with me to know exactly who I am and what I need.  And in turn I also understand them and what they need out of the conversation.

This has turned into a bit of a purging session, really, and I've strayed a bit off-course.  All of the above is connected, but my goal here today is to talk about what I need and what I'm willing to put up with.  The Reader's Digest version of this would be---disrespect is a deal-breaker for me.  One for of disrespect is not listening during an important conversation.

..... Part II coming next.

I am...

I am a person, a human, a woman, someone with feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, intelligence, passion, and a heart.  I feel, breathe, think, love, hope, hurt, give, and bleed.  I am sensitive, patient, empathetic, sympathetic, spiritual, and I feel deeply what is sent my way.  My pain is real.  My joy is real.  My love is real.

I am real.

Because I am, I feel.  Because I think, I feel.  Because I breathe, I feel.  Because I have a soul, I feel.  And what I feel is exactly everything.  When you speak, I feel your words, and when you don't, I feel that as well.

I hear you when you're not talking.  I see you when you're not there.  My mind, soul, spirit and heart remembers everything.  I feel everything you've said, done, not said and not done, and it has changed parts of me, of who I am.  But I will find a way and strive each and every day to heal, to restore all that I once was.

The parts of me you broke with your words and actions, or inactions, are still there.  Every shattered part of me holds on and waits to be healed.

I am healing, though much slower than I'd hoped.

Inside there are are pieces that aren't mine at all but harmful remnants of an experience that threatened to change me completely, insidious shrapnel of an emotional war I never wanted to be a part of.

I'm passed the part where I forgive myself for willingly allowing myself to think everything I experienced was okay.  I apologized for allowing so much harm to be done as I did nothing.  I no longer ask myself 'why' I didn't exit much sooner than I did.  I've come to the conclusion that some things I will most likely never come to terms with, maybe not even completely heal from.  I can't say goodbye or get closure from someone who basically didn't actually exist.  Realizing that everything you thought you knew about someone wasn't real is beyond difficult, because there is no one to say goodbye to when the relationship ends.

I will heal.  Eventually I will be fully me again.  But there is much to sort out even now.  The wound opens time and time again because closure wasn't possible, and I work to forgive, repeatedly repair the damage that never seems to fully heal.

Anger is part of the process of letting go.  In the stages of loss, which happens with breakups, one must absolutely feel every stage.  But who am I to be angry at, sad over, etc?  The person I fell in love with, in the end, revealed so much about themselves as their guard went down that I didn't even recognize them.  At all.  I was allowed to see what they wanted me to see early-on, and I fell in love with THAT person, a person who disappeared completely and was replaced by.... a stranger.  I did not recognize that person and never saw the one I'd fallen in love with again.  So when things finally ended, there I was, wondering who I was supposed to say goodbye to.

More on this later as it's bigger than I'm able to speak about or even deal with in-short.

Is this the beginning of getting back to me again?

Boo's Juicy Bits, and the Return to Focus

This blog began as a ways and means to talk, often with humor, about health, wholeness, eating, thriving, living, body/mind/soul, and sometimes to share the naughty side of me.  It's gotten WAY off-track over the past few months due to declining health.  Well, those health issues are being addressed, and treatment begins today/tonight.. and next week.  At least with regards to the issues of sleep apnea and iron deficiency anemia.

Getting back on track with posting and sharing here is going to be a major switch in some ways, as I've had to focus far too much on doctor appointments, treatments, and so forth.  But I think it's time, you know, to get back to the part of 'living.'  Doesn't mean I won't have moments where I vent about my relationship issues, dreams, passions, and the like.  It just means that I think since I'm on my way to resolutions for my health issues... it's time to focus on what's ahead.

It just makes good sense.

So what's next with diet, exercise, vibrant physical, mental/emotional health?  Well, that's just the thing.  Tonight will be the first night I use a CPAP machine, and I already know the one night I used it at the sleep center.. I felt quite different the following day, and I returned to my usual fatigued, miserable self the night after WITHOUT the CPAP.  I see much hope in that.  And with next week being the first treatment for the iron deficiency.. I'm actually getting excited about seeing things improve over the days and weeks ahead.  This is going to be a journey of my life, really.

As my focus shifts to hopeful events, positive outcomes, and anticipation for those things not yet addressed (lung and heart issues), I will also have a lot more focus here.

It's about time, isn't it?  ;)

You found a what?

Well, yesterday's appt did NOT go the way I expected.  At all.  Not.  At.  All.

So I went for my follow-up appointment with my pulmonologist yesterday, mostly to discuss chest CT and sleep study results.  The minor part is that they found 'mild sleep apnea.'  Ok.  Then he went on to discuss the lung nodule...and something else they found on the CT.

Doctor F stated that the lung nodule was slightly larger, but it also is "Very strange looking."  He went on to explain that there is a "Tubule" attached to the nodule that the radiologist says "May" be due to an impacted/clogged something-or-other-that-I-can't-rember due to my inability to sleep work a f*ck!  Sorry for the potty mouth, but it's true.  Anyway, the nodule is odd and he said he has to "Think about it a bit..." and may possibly do another CT scan, only with contrast this time.  He's not sure, because he doesn't know what to make of the findings.

Then he said there is another nodule... 1.9 x .5 cm... in my breast.  Well K den.

Next week I have to have another mammogram, and they're insisting they MUST have the last one that I had first, the imaging.  I'm a little spooked by this.  No one is telling me the characteristics of the nodule, and now I understand why the imaging center flat refused to give me a copy of the report... that was finished the day after my CT.  Normally.. I have no issues getting copies of lab or imaging reports.

I also have to see a hematologist (possibly) for the anemia, because the colonoscopy and EGD did NOT show any causes of the anemia.  I will start Rx iron pills today or tomorrow, though.  Hoping I can tolerate those.

Now the big, fat, giant wait.  Again.  Seriously?

I'm nervous about the mammogram, obviously, but the worst part is T's attitude.  He is just mostly put out because I wanted him to give me a ride there, to be with me while I have this screening.  He basically complained, meaning it was an inconvenience.  I simply told him, never mind... I will take myself!  I certainly don't need some whining, self-absorbed, watch-checking complainer coming with me on THE SCARIEST and most stressful test to-date.  Mr. Indifference needs to keep his distance, because what I need right now is far from whining, complaining, etc.

Yes.  It's time to be a little pissed about this.  And I am.

Dammit!!

So what of the heart, home, a place where my soul can feel uplifted, rejuvenated, allowed to grow and breathe and soar?  Dunno.  Still waiting on that one, I guess.  Dealing with the anemia is a start.  PC doc is referring me to a hematologist to see what the cause is.

Dammit again!

*sigh*

Reminder: My other blogs

A couple of you have sent me messages on FaceBook regarding a few issues I promised to talk about or update about.  I have.  You may have just missed where I spoke about them.  This was the problem I mentioned previously about keeping all 3 of my blogs.  But you guys begged me to keep them all, so I did. :)

So as a reminder, and to either clear up confusion or create more, here are the links to my other blogs.  You can always find them in the menu section (side bar) under Alter Ego.  Also, in case you've forgotten, mostly the separate blogs are for focus, so that all topics don't all end up getting blended together in one place.

Hope this helps...

Where Fireflies Dream

http://gothicwell.blogspot.com

All Things Ephemeral

http://autumnwhisperstome.blogspot.com

Boo’s Juicy Bits

http://boosjuicybits.blogspot.com

Each blog is designed for a specific purpose and focus, true, but all of them overlap in many ways.  I may end up burning myself out posting on one, and may not get a chance to post an entry on the others the same day, or at the same time.  There will be times, in other words, where it may appear as if I've not made an entry...when I actually have but on a different blog.

A brief explanation of the blogs may help a little bit.  Just remember that even if a topic/blog may not interest you, I may have spilled everything there and not posted elsewhere.

Where Fireflies Dream was intended to be a place for dreams, wishes, hopes, plans, goals, etc.  But it's evolved over time into something bigger than that.  That's about all I can do to explain this blog.  There are days when the focus is implied, and days when I'm speaking in contrast to what the focus actually is.

All Things Ephemeral is the original blog, the one I built and posted on about anything and everything you could possibly imagine.  I used to give quite a bit of details, which often meant deleting entries after a time that said too much.  Hence the name "All Things Ephemeral."  Now, I've not recently unloaded in detail there, so most of the entries remain intact.

NOTE:  It must be said that when I do post in great detail there the post may not remain for long.  So if you make it a habit of reading posts in this blog you probably won't miss anything.  If you wait too long.. the entry may be deleted.

Boo's Juicy Bits:  Now this blog is mainly about health and diet in the context of flirtatious fun.  With health issues wreaking havoc, however, it's changed the entries for the most part.  But as things change and I get on top of things... it will return to its original and flirty content.  I'm not about faking things to entertain, so you guys will know pretty much where I am by what you read there.

Again, ALL of these blogs intersect in some way.  They all have a purpose, to which I've tried to keep true on, but they still cross over one another in ways.

Okay.  Enough of this.  Again, you can find the links to the Alter Ego blogs in the bar to the side of each blog.

Well... this liquid diet is kicking my ass today, so I'm off here for now.

*waves*

Listening to those guided whispers

Spent the majority of last night listening to music.  To quiet those whispers within that speak wether I want them to or not, even in sleep.  Sleep...always there in the shadows of a small room with tall windows.  Life's graffiti splashed upon the walls.  So much color there, moving by candlelight.  It's only memories, sometimes animated in dreams.  An unwilling passenger on a ride destined to never end.  And yet I'm here, finally, opening my eyes, stepping closer to those walls to see.  I just want to see.  Afraid to see.  I want to turn, to squeeze my eyes shut.. tight.  To run.  To run.  Because it's all there in full-blown color, splashed, swept, carefully drawn.

Careful.  Don't look.  Just don't.

The taste of life, of health, of... freedom.

Life, freedom to be myself, to express who I am and indulge in my passions for art, photography, animals, photography, reading, or anything I choose.  There is nothing sweeter, is there?  Nothing at all.

That craving for the sweetness of a life fully lived---it happens when you're in an emotional deficit, when everything you attempt is met with argument, indifference, and someone else's utter need to control you.  Me in this case.  Let's just say it like it is.

Freedom is necessary and vital for me right now.  I have to survive a few things going on with my health, issues that have yet to be only somewhat identified.  Less than a week and I see a Dr., one I hope will have the answers, or at least have the determination to get to the bottom of things.  Healing requires freedom, the absence of any outside, controlling person or people.  It's critical for healing, having the freedom to be yourself fully and to breathe.  To breathe.

I can't breathe.  Who can when someone is standing on your oxygen supply?

All the healthy food in the world won't help if you can't breathe, when someone tries to control your life so completely that the walls close in.

I just want to step out into the sun and dip my foot in the lake.

Does anyone get at all what I'm saying?

Emotional Detox (can you handle it?)

Warning!  This is an emotional detox, and I'm not going to apologize for what falls onto the 'page' here.  As with any detox, this is purging the poison, a self-cleansing if you will.  If you can't handle the non-fluffy-bunny rant here, then this is your queue to exit, stage left, while you still have the chance.

Thoughts are rather disorganized at the moment with so much converging at once.  I can't really sort things out where they make sense--just too f*cking much going on.  And yet I will try, as maybe rambling will at least get it all out of my system.

I won't promise my language will be clean.  Again, this is an emotional purging of sorts.  Of sorts.  That's the key, isn' it?  Because I'm not convinced I can completely open up here..even after all this time, after all the very close calls I've had regarding just spilling my guts for the whole world to see.

Whatever.

Waiting on doctor appointments, face to face with people who say they are specialists.  Will any of them listen, or attempt to get down to what's causing all of this?  Maybe.  I wouldn't know.  The waiting game sucks in a huge way--THAT I do know.  I also know how utterly tired I am of dealing with the physical crap going on with me, not knowing how to fix it myself, what to do/not do, or even how to DEAL with it.  Yes, I took care of the majority of the stomach pain with getting BACK on a PPI (Proton Pump Inhibitor), and DAMN was I not happy about that.  I just took myself OFF of one, convinced that it had to be causing most of the problems, if not all.  Then had to go to yet another type of drug that is NOT a PPI... only to find out that it worked for about a week, then.. didn't work at all.  Seriously? *sigh*

But there is still abdominal pain, severe muscle weakness, and I can't get enough sleep!  Really?  I mean.. really?

Then there was weaning myself off the Topamax.  Off of that... and still feeling like crap.  BUT.. it's still good to be on as little Rx's as possible.  But coming OFF those prescriptions has yet to reveal any benefit other than just being off of them.

W.  T.  F.??!!

So I'm sitting here fighting off the urge to make one more cup of coffee.  Caffein--really, the least of my problems.  And I only drink two cups/day now anyway.  Still, I'm fighting the urge.  Maybe it's my body trying to self-medicate?  IDK...

And this damn depression is irritating the crap out of me.  Though I do know that it's not your run-of-the-mill depression.  I'm told it's related to the other health issues and that when they're resolved... the depression will resolve itself.  Either way, I'm not taking any poison for that!  No way, jose!  Even so, I couldn't because of the blood thinner.  It's the feeling of being powerless against this..whateveritis.. that is taking my life away from me piece by piece, day by day.  But I'm still pursuing all avenues to help it on my own until the 'specialists' can offer up something.  Still, what can they possibly offer that will resolve THIS?

Inflammation.  I'm convinced that's what needs addressing.  It's origin means little to me at the moment, as I believe systemic inflammation IS the origin of health problems.

Damn I'm tired.  My thinking isn't quite 'there' today... just... too... tired.