Autumn Whispers to Me: An experience. A book-to-be.....

My favorite time of year is here, and I've taken the first steps to re-vamping my sites so I can have them live again.  A story, a memory, and a future-book, "Autumn Whispers to Me" will be live soon.  Until then, there are the audio blogs...

It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

Healing

Having some Saturday alone time is a rare treat for me, and I call it a 'treat' because the weekend vibe as it is in my life right now is different than it used to be.  Being stuck indoors all day, every day, because of health issues is less than optimal for a happy, health life, and definitely not too good for a healthy body and mind.  Still, I make the best of what each day gives me, even on those days when I'm brought to my knees by symptoms and issues I can do nothing about.  Alone time is the time when I decompress, and it's an absolute necessity.

The minutes are ticking away as I type this, meaning the minutes I have in the peaceful quiet.  So why am I spending this time typing in my blogs and doing mindless things like surfing the internet?  Because I CHOOSE to.  It's really the point, isn't it, to make our free time what we want.  Of course it's the point.

One more cup of coffee.  A few more minutes of peaceful stillness and quiet knowing it will change in roughly 45 minutes to an hour.  I'll take what I can get and use it for whatever I want.

My world is colored in shades of white, green, blue, and cheap, durable tile; something many hospitals and clinics have in common.  So sitting in my own space where I'm surrounded entirely by NON-medical-related decor, sights, sounds, and smells, I can improvise throughout the day depending on what is often the unpredictability of living--at least in my life anyway.  I can predict nothing, so I expect nothing, and I allow everything.  On the surface this sounds risky, but I promise you it's not.

I long to have the strength and stamina, to be without pain long enough to continue to create my environment in such a way that it promotes healing.  REAL healing.  Not the medicated type of healing, but real healing.  While I know and appreciate what the medications are doing to save my life, even to promote a better quality of life (leading to), I'm well aware of the things that have yet to be addressed.  Back pain is now the front and center of my days and nights and all I can do is ride it out until someone discovers what's causing it.  Exercising patience is difficult in the face of chronic illness and pain, but it's necessary.

While the overall chronic pain began to cease with the addition of prednisone, something else is revealing itself at the same time.  This, like everything, happens for a reason, so I understand and accept that this is a message of some kind, the pain being a warning sign that something is still amiss.   Healing will come when the answers come.  I just need someone to ask the questions now.

What's left of my quiet morning will end soon.  T will come home and things will change, though it doesn't really have to be for the worst.  If he would just tune-in, plug-in, and open his eyes... I think things could go a bit smoother than they have.  I can't open his eyes or make him listen or to be aware or anything at all.  It's up to him, ultimately, to plug-in or not.  I have to focus on wellness, healing, and regaining my strength, vitality, and even my passion for life, for being alive.  Unless you've lived with chronic pain, with a chronic illness (even if you didn't know you had it for a long time), you probably wouldn't understand any of this.

But I understand all too well.

I'm glad my morning was quiet and still.  I'm grateful to have had that today, even if for just a few hours.  I'll relinquish that quiet to the busy life of living with another human being, because I have to, because it's necessary, and because I should.  I won't say I 'want to' because what I really want is to not have to relinquish peace, happiness, tranquility.  No one should have to relinquish the better part of being, should they?  I don't believe so.  But I will today, and I will tomorrow, and I will next week and so on until T takes the time and initiative to work through some things that are completely destroying having a peaceful life together.

Do I long for the days when I lived alone?  Do I miss the imperfect peace I once had as a single person?  Yes.  I absolutely do.  It's FAR easier to live alone than with someone.  But easy isn't always best, now is it?

I want best, not easy, but at the same time I also believe BOTH can exist simultaneously.

Reaching the bottom of the coffee cup as the second half of the day looms ahead.  So much to do, so very much to do.  I'll miss the peace I've had the first half of my day.  Tomorrow my exercise bike will be delivered, and the office/exercise room needs attending to make ready for that delivery.

I really will miss the peacefulness of this morning.  I really, really will.

Spilling Over...

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!

Guys and epic failures: The humor and the hurt

A friend of mine (who now lives on the east coast) called me the other day out of the blue to share something both heartbreaking...and hilarious.  The conversation began very teary on her part, but after a good hour of talking we were both laughing, and I mean REALLY laughing.  She and I have known each other for several years now, and we have shared pretty much EVERYTHING.  Sometimes our shares were incidental, sometimes on purpose, but we really ended up knowing probably far too much about each other's private lives, which means... we're pretty damn comfortable talking about anything our hearts' desire.  Yesterday was one such day.

I will refer to my friend as R in order to keep her anonymous...

Skipping over the tearful parts (because she reads my blogs) I will say that the entire subject matter of our 3 hour+ conversation was primarily about guys and their epic failures in relationships.  Now, for the couple of guy friends who I've given my blog addresses to... you know I'm not referring to you!  Some guys are sweet, genuine, real gentleman...to say the least, but those guys are very, VERY rare, and I will tell you this---you will NOT meet those great guys online.  Sorry to burst the bubbles of those on dating sites, but... you simply won't.  Advice---save yourself the grief of even going there (online dating sites), because pretty much everyone I've ever met, with the exception of one person who met her guy on a Christian dating site (one you pay for), has found that there's mostly riffraff on there.  And ladies...seriously, it does NOT matter what they guy does for a living or how much money he has!  Just don't go there!

Okay, so R's ex (a recent event, btw) seemed to have been maintaining his profile on a popular dating site...the entire time he was with her.  God, but her story sounds just like mine with my ex!  She found out via another friend who is also on the site...when he showed up in her searches (same thing that happened to me).  So as she cried and expressed her shock, bewilderment, hurt, and anger over the phone... I remained quiet, thoughtful, and listening, because I have been where she is now, and it's one seriously ugly place to be.

I think it probably took her a good 2-30 minutes of crying and venting before she took that deep breath, sighed, and waited for me to respond.  She already knew my history, which means she knew I would understand.  And I do.  I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and I told her she had every single right to feel outraged for what was done to her by this "guy" (whom I did not ever refer to as a "man" for obvious reasons).  Then she began to gush details, ones that in the light of day and 'after the fact' are really... well, rather hilarious.

She spoke of his quirks, personality flaws, and especially about his sexual inadequacies, ones he apparently was quite proud of.  I have to wonder if all guys are clueless to the things THEY like... that simply don't work for women?  So we talked about this for a bit, about why guys sometimes do what they do in the bedroom when it only benefits them and leaves their partner... well, unsatisfied.. or turned off completely.  With the latter in mind, the real conversation began.  She spoke of how the last year of their relationship she'd gone completely bored with him, sexually, how everything he did was for himself, and how he seemed shocked and angry because she was losing interest and couldn't hide it any longer.  She spoke of conversations she had with him that, at the time, seemed SO serious...when in retrospect were completely laughable.  Hindsight, you know... lol  I've had many revelations like that myself.

I felt for her as she told me in great bloody detail how her guy had failed repeatedly to perform.  "Hours.  We would do it for hours, with his talking and moaning and going on and on and on.  I mean, he was so into his performance, into himself that I think he completely forgot I was even there!  What the hell?"  After a moment's pause and neither of us saying anything... we both started laughing.  Suddenly the unspoken part of our mutual understanding of such things became something we could laugh about.  This is a good thing.

She told me that he was attempting to perform OS on her and that after some time of his robotic performance she told him to stop...to just stop.  Wow, I have to say this one really hit home for me, because the very last time "I" enjoyed or even wanted OS this was done to me, as punishment (a subject for another day).  And when she said, "I told him that was it. I didn't want him to ever do that to me again!"  Well, we can certainly say this was an epic failure on his part.  And as R talked... I could see, like with my previous situation, that this really was the beginning of the end for her.

She spoke of issues beyond sex, the cruelty, the way he made himself scarce in her life... leaving her wide open for meeting someone else, etc.  How is it, we both wondered, that guys can be that blind to the things they do that change the way their GF's or wives feel about them?..only to go on to blame her for the relationship eroding?  It's a mystery, I'll tell ya.  A mystery.  But R and I had a lot of laughs as we talked, and she at least was able to get to a point in the conversation where she was focusing on what she REALLY wanted in a guy, a relationship, rather than the time wasted with someone who honestly didn't have her best interest in mind anyway.

"He's not going to even notice I'm gone until, during sex, he looks down and sees that I'm actually not there!" lol  I will never forget that phrase!  Hilarious.

I'd asked a guy friend of mine about 3 years ago why some men behave this way, and he said that not all guys do, then added... "A lot of guys are attracted to themselves" and added that if the woman makes HIM feel sexy then he feels attracted to her for that reason, that men can actually be turned on by their own performance in bed, rather than the women they're actually in bed with.  WOW!  I was really shocked to hear this, though I shouldn't have been given my experience.

My friend, whom I will call "C," is extremely intelligent, has a lot of guy friends, women friends, and is fairly open and blunt when he speaks.  He'd been warning me about my situation nearly the entire time as he saw things in my relationship that were, in his words, huge warning signs.  Should I have listened to him?  I don't know, because I believe that everyone that comes into our lives are there for a reason, and it's usually to teach us something.  In my case, a couple of things broke, and I mean really broke that I'm pretty sure can't ever be repaired.  The experience changed me so significantly in a couple of ways that I just don't see those parts of me ever returning to what they were prior to the relationship.

I can't really can't say here what it is that's broke so completely due to account settings.  I'm not sure if anyone 'under age' has stumbled across my blogs or not, so I have to keep some of this on the down-low.... until I change my settings back again to include a warning for adult content.  Until then, let's just suffice it to say that while I mourn the parts of me that were shattered in that relationship I do recognize the protective stance I've taken since then.  My trust in guys is severely diminished due to what I went through, and I don't allow anyone to reach that vital part of me, of who I am.  Maybe this would change if I resumed therapy, which I had to resort to after the break up so I could repair most of what was damaged.  But, I'm not exactly sure I'm ready for that, because a huge part of me likes things just as they are.

The person I'm with right now has been flourishing in the 'epic fail' department.  He knows, and he's not given any of it any real thought, time, attention, nor is he made any effort to work on things.  His bad, because I'm beyond arms-length now and am completely focused on my health and well-being, rather than him.  It was a natural course of events as my health plummeted under the onslaught of the past and the damaging effects of the now.  As controlling as the previous relationship was, this one is as controlling...but in a very different way.  Either way, control doesn't work for me, and I am going to give absolutely everything I have to regaining my health, self-esteem, and repairing my damaged self-respect.  These are the only things that matter right now.

R and I had a good conversation, and one that ended with us both laughing.  I think she's going to break free from those traumatic bonds and move forward as a strong, single woman.  She isn't up for another relationship, and I can certainly understand that on SO many levels!  For me, I refuse to be another afterthought, slave, or punching bag for any guy.  If I'm not appreciated, then I will appreciate myself first and foremost.  It's the least I can do.

The conversation with R has reminded me of things I'd left for dead in my recent past.  So be it.  I'm sure I needed reminding for some reason.  Maybe that will be my motivation to plug ahead with getting my health in check, to become stronger inside and out, and to also remind myself that the choices I've made in light of my past are mine to make and mine to keep.  What's done is done, and thought I came out on the other side of things somewhat broken, changed... it's probably for the best.

PART II: You can't treat me this way

I no longer care if I'm heard.  My resolve is strong enough that I can take things from here.  My guess is that many guys shrug things off and feel justified in their indifference, and I am more than okay with that right now.  I'm in a place that indifference, silence, and flipping the switch to autopilot just gives me more time to focus on what I need, healing, happiness and health.

Give me enough space and I will build a universe!  And yes, L, you may quote me on that. ;)

Even when I resort to the introvert side of me, or if I'm venting in order to sort through the muddle, I'm a LOT stronger than you think.  Don't underestimate me, because others have and discovered quickly that I don't require their help, blessings, or support in such matters.  If it comes down to the wire... I've got this!

Yes, it would be nice to have people close to me who are supportive.  But I've long since learned that it's not an actual requirement in order to succeed at my goals.  of course, there is a lot that's to be said about having a good support network when you're going through difficulties.  Still, if that network and support isn't there, I have to resort to my own devices.

This is where I am right now.

....Will continue this soon...

The Spaces Between the Seconds

Seems a common theme, doesn't it?  That most of my entries are about being lost, confused, and simply just not knowing where the hell I am or even WHO I am sometimes.  I've been here before, having lost myself completely in another situation.  And there is really nothing at all good about being in this place at all.  No.  Not at all.  But it's a lot like being in quicksand--knowing if you move at all in any direction you're going to sink even faster.  Crap.  Crap.  Crap.

I don't mind being lost as long as it's beautiful where I am.

For a moment, if I could just lose myself to something bigger, magnificent, taken to a place that feeds my soul.  Life is just too short to settle for mediocrity, and yet that's exactly what I've done.  And I really don't think at all that it has anything to do with being led, blindly, into the abyss, but rather than I've forged ahead on my own while my eyes were closed, shut tight against what might be.

The mundane features of every day life are what we exist in, right?  I mean, we can't avoid it for the most part...unless we're filthy rich.  We do our own laundry, wash our own dishes, clean the house, the dog, and so forth...

But it's what happens between the seconds that count the most.

That's where I lose myself, in those places between the seconds.  It's not easy finding my way in there right now.  I truly believe, though, that the happiest people are the ones who live in those tiny moments, because it what connects everything else.  Every.  Thing.  Else.

So what do those seconds mean to me?  What are they?  They're different for everyone, but for me personally they're little sparks of time that shine brighter and warmer than the sun, yet are as calming as they are invigorating when you submerge yourself in them....

Since moving here a year and a half ago I've lost every one of those seconds.  Prior to that...I was fairly good at finding the little sparks and allowing them to ignite what flows through me---my wants, dreams, wishes, illuminating all that inspires awe.  Those were what fed the creative side.

Now, when I reach for life in those potent places I'm yanked back into the more stagnant parts of life. I don't thrive there.  I don't think anyone does.  But when you're with someone who ONLY lives in that inert place... it can drag you down like an anchor.  And no, I'm not speaking of being anchored as in grounded.  I'm talking purely of something that takes you under the water and drowns every vibrant part of your being.

That's where I am when I'm lost.

Like now.

Drowning.

What comes naturally to me is to exist in beauty, surrounding myself and shaping my environment so that it resonates with what's inside of me.  I think this is what everyone does, even if they're not aware of it.  But it's something I need to do to be healthy!  No amount of explaining to T has made him understand, nor has it inspired him to take the initiative to FIND understanding.  He doesn't understand me.  At all.  And, sadly, he's chosen to be an anchor in my life that's keeping me from seeing the sun... or breathing.

The only way I can survive is to pull away and do what I have to do, risking his disapproval, ire, or whatever.  But you know what?  I've done things his way for some time now, and it's killing me..slowly but surely.  Not just who and what I am inside, but they physical body as well.  The way I will choose to live my life from here forward is to save my life.  I have to.

My needs aren't being met on any level.  As a human being I feel shackled.  As a women I feel dissected.  What I need to do NOW is change my feelings and life.  Period.

I don't recognize my surroundings or myself.  My bad health is making things far worse, too, and.. well, I'm working on that.  Those chains are what they are, but they will be shed far faster than the ones inside my soul.

I can't breathe.

It's just time is all.  I will change my own environment because I have to.  My spirit longs deeply and wholly to explore beautiful places, to see what I've not seen, to submerge each and every sense I have into being alive!  I need travel.  I need to experience something else.

I need my life back.  Again.  So I'm taking it back and making my own experiences based on what I need.  The time has come to actually live my life and feel complete, whole, invigorated....

To tell all, or not to tell all---that is the question

Or is it?

I've been trying to bring myself to a place where I can unload, completely unload here on my blogs.  Not just this one, but all of them.  I get so close sometimes, and yet I seem to pull back once my fingers hit the keyboard.  What the hell am I so afraid of?

I created my blogs to have a place to talk about things, to sometimes vent, to sometimes ponder, to just.. talk.  And yet I find myself skirting around the facts and splashing vague hints on the page instead of just telling it like it is.  What will be the catalyst... the one thing that will have to happen in order for me to 'get there'?

My blogs were created for the very purpose of writing my thoughts and experiences, hopes, dreams, wishes, dislikes, or what-the-hell-ever.  So why aren't I doing that?  Why do I hold back?  This is the dilemma, isn't it?  Not being able to speak my mind?  And WTH is that really about anyway?

I often wake up on the morning with SO freaking much to say!  I go to bed at night with the intense need to get stuff out of my head and out in the open so I can see and deal with it.  But do I DO that?...put it all out there?  Hell no, I don't.  And there's just so much to say, to tell, to unload.

This particular blog was created specifically to write about health issues, diet, and... to allow my flirty side come out and play.  Oh, it may seem odd at first, the idea of those topics coming together in one place.  But if you think about it, it actually makes perfect sense.  So... why have I failed so miserably here?  Well, I wouldn't call it a 'failure,' exactly.  But I haven't succeeded in really letting go and telling whatever, which was my intention.

And trust me, there are lots of juicy bits to tell.

Perhaps I need to make it a goal, a REAL goal.  You know, finding a way to open up completely and talk about whatever the hell I want.. without remorse or looking back.  Apparently I'm a total wuss these days, and I really need to fix that, like, asap!

Okay, self... we're going to work on that.

But I do wonder...  Is anyone REALLY ready for me to do that?

When a post sits in draft for over 2 years

8/6/2013 I wrote an entry I never published.  It sits even now in 'draft' while I refuse to make it go away once and for all.  I'm not sure what to make of it, and I'm definitely not sure what to say about it.  I only know that from time to time I read it to make sure, perhaps, that I don't forget.

What the hell
does that
even
mean?

Listening to those guided whispers

Spent the majority of last night listening to music.  To quiet those whispers within that speak wether I want them to or not, even in sleep.  Sleep...always there in the shadows of a small room with tall windows.  Life's graffiti splashed upon the walls.  So much color there, moving by candlelight.  It's only memories, sometimes animated in dreams.  An unwilling passenger on a ride destined to never end.  And yet I'm here, finally, opening my eyes, stepping closer to those walls to see.  I just want to see.  Afraid to see.  I want to turn, to squeeze my eyes shut.. tight.  To run.  To run.  Because it's all there in full-blown color, splashed, swept, carefully drawn.

Careful.  Don't look.  Just don't.

The taste of life, of health, of... freedom.

Life, freedom to be myself, to express who I am and indulge in my passions for art, photography, animals, photography, reading, or anything I choose.  There is nothing sweeter, is there?  Nothing at all.

That craving for the sweetness of a life fully lived---it happens when you're in an emotional deficit, when everything you attempt is met with argument, indifference, and someone else's utter need to control you.  Me in this case.  Let's just say it like it is.

Freedom is necessary and vital for me right now.  I have to survive a few things going on with my health, issues that have yet to be only somewhat identified.  Less than a week and I see a Dr., one I hope will have the answers, or at least have the determination to get to the bottom of things.  Healing requires freedom, the absence of any outside, controlling person or people.  It's critical for healing, having the freedom to be yourself fully and to breathe.  To breathe.

I can't breathe.  Who can when someone is standing on your oxygen supply?

All the healthy food in the world won't help if you can't breathe, when someone tries to control your life so completely that the walls close in.

I just want to step out into the sun and dip my foot in the lake.

Does anyone get at all what I'm saying?

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus, "Dig"

Music.  It's been the backdrop to my entire life.  Every song I love, and even some I don't, has a memory attached.  Playing those songs is like flipping the switch on... so I can see my life in increments, set to music.  It's not a bad thing.

The videos I post on my blogs aren't just some random, ill-thought-out entries to which there is no meaning.  On the contrary.  They very much have meaning and often expose parts of me I may not be willing to in any other form--at least at the moment.

I'm sure not all of you watch/listen to them.  And that's okay.  No harm, no foul.  But you do miss out on what's going on in my head when you do.

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" is from the song "Dig"..by Incubus.  And it has relevance for  a couple of reasons.  1.  The person who shared it with me first.  2.  The lyrics.  It's okay to not understand this or even care about what it means to me.  This is a blog, a journal of my experiences, thoughts, feelings, rants, wishes, dreams, etc., and I don't expect at all for anything to read here and get who I am or what I need or...

I need to get off the computer and do something else.  IF you're at all inclined to listen... the entry below this one is the song.  But not just any song....  And this song.. isn't about who you might think.

Emotions being what they are often haunt my dreams at night.

My other blogs --alter egos.

In case you guys didn't know--I am making a better effort to post more relevant content on my other blogs.  Meaning, on Boo's Juicy Bits... that's more in-tune with what it was created for--health, weight loss, anything relevant to health, and.. it may or may not get racy at times (just as a heads-up).  All Things Ephemeral.. can be more reflective, or maybe a literal 'alter ego' to this blog.  Either way, I've been lazy in the past because it was made known to me that no one wanted me to delete any of my blogs (3).  So, I was making it easy on myself by just mostly copying and pasting from one to the other.

No more.

I'm stepping up and making a decision to try and keep things separate as possible.  So if you read just one, you may miss out on something else.  Unless I happen to mention it in another...

Can't say for sure how it will all go.  But I do find that once I've gotten one feeling or topic or what-have-you out of my system... I often don't feel like talking about it again somewhere else.  Just saying.  So... keep that in mind if you want to know everything that's going through mine. ;p

Now, THIS post WILL be posted on all three blogs.

Now... If you look in the sidebar.. you will find the links to my alter-egos should you dare to read.  As my sleep improves... there is honestly no telling what I may talk about.  Keep your curiosity in check,  or not. lol  Read at your own risk. ;)

*smooches*

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.

Weight loss, good. Thriving, not so good.

Low-Carbing seems to really be hitting the sweet spot as far as weight loss, and there is still much to be done as far as tweaking things a bit so that my energy level rises enough to feel more like a human being.  I can live with that for now.  But I'm thinking it's all the other debris that I need to clear away that will fuel the fire of vitality.  Not sure how to do that just yet, but I'm working on it.

I mean, finding answers to complex issues isn't always the easiest thing in the world, but I can keep at it till I drop, that's for sure.  IF I don't have constant interruptions making things even more difficult than they are.  THAT is another talk show (DAMN but I need breathing room!).  Even so, I can't just rollover and give up, so it just may mean breaking out the big guns to keep on going.  Fine.

There are so many things I miss about having my own space, and that will be somewhat rectified soon, but I'm making a list of things that have to be dealt with, things that MUST be dealt with in order for me to thrive, live.  LIVE.  This has to be done.  PERIOD.  There is no more putting this off.

List of things that have to be rectified.  A list of goals.  Let's just say... there are going to be a few lists.

I've pulled the cord, gotten off the train, and I'm standing on my own two feet, even if I'm working on my energy level.

It's done-deal.

Done.

That's an awful long track with a lot of possibilities....