Part II; Generally speaking...

Or not so generally speaking, as the case may be...

Part I: Generally speaking...

NOTE:  So there were some issues with the audio quality, music in the background too loud... anyway, I will replace the original with one that is easier to hear.

Well... this...

The Stress Diet.

While highly effective, I wouldn't recommend this diet to anyone.  However, this whole stress/anxiety thing just seems to be an integral part of my daily life now, thanks to T, and I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

Depression isn't a good place to be (duh), and while the lack of appetite side effect SEEMS like a great idea at first, the too-deep calorie deficit WILL catch up to you and wreck your metabolism, especially if you're exercising at all.  No matter that I know how unhealthy this is, I don't know what to do about it.

'Oh, just don't be stressed or anxious!'

Well, that sentiment is pretty sound, but it's certainly not realistic.  Believing you can just turn on/off stress or anxiety is like believing you can turn on/off bad eating habits simply by saying you're going to avoid bad food and overeating.  Damn, but that would be awesome, wouldn't it?  In real life, on planet earth, we don't always get to pick and choose exactly what emotions we can have or discard.  I'm certainly not able to do that, and... I know it's not a healthy choice to even think that you can.

Just my opinion, mind you.  But if you think you can do that then more power to you.  And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

During the past month I've not been able to eat my daily allotment of Points (I'm doing old school Weight Watchers).  Every day I set out to follow the plan to the letter, but the past month I've not been able to eat all the points that I'm supposed to have, even WITH the extra 35 weekly points.  Have I lost a little faster doing this?  Yes and no.  At first I wasn't losing at all, then all of a sudden I'm dropping weight.  On one hand "YAY" and on the other hand.. I'm tired/fatigued as hell.  And my appetite is now heading upwards, with the exception of today (must've been force-fed too much hateful BS from T to leave any room for a meal).

There's a part of me that knows all too well how this will backfire if I don't get a handle on it soon, and oddly enough... my damn morning/fasting blood sugar was 124 this morning.  If I were a full-blown diabetic I'd be rejoicing that number.  But, I'm not a diabetic.  In fact, I'm PRE-diabetic, and those numbers are not a good sign.  They've crept up, those numbers, over the past few weeks, which is hella fast for blood sugar changes.  And there's no rhyme or reason as the amount of carbs etc I eat from one day to the next don't correlate in any pattern that tells me it's what I'm eating.

Fasting blood sugar shows how well the liver is working to take care of things.  Taking blood sugar readings before and after meals show how your body handles food.  As a pre-diabetic the morning fasting levels are elevated, but 2 hour post-meal levels go back to normal when they should.  Again, there are two different mechanisms at work when looking at WHEN blood sugar levels are taken.

Well, anyway... life is in upheaval, and I'm being bashed about by the storm that rages.

But hey, I'm sticking to my diet, so there's that.

Damn I'm sick of things being like this.

So feel like dropping the F bomb a few hundred times today.

Today actually began as a good day, overall, all things considered.  But like far too many other times, the second T gets wind that I'm having a good day, am happy, am smiling, joking, hopeful... like lighting his ego strikes out and ends it all.  If he wasn't hovering about today like one of those cartoon storm clouds I'd be doing an audio, because.. DAMMIT my shoulder hurts.  So be it.  I don't mind 'that' kind of pain.

I needed a couple of warm shirts to wear over the Winter.  Most of my other clothes are still too uncomfortable to wear or just not warm.  Many are just worn out and in need of replacing.  Free shipping to store with 40% off and it's an easy fix.  Ha.  So I thought.  I'm beginning to believe T is hell-bent on not allowing anything at all to be "easy" in any way, shape or form.  With coats on, a few feet from the back door, and I look outside and remembered to remind him (he never remembers ANYTHING on his own) that the newly built deck is in need of sealing.  Deck guy said seal around the 30 day mark, which is now.  It was a reminder, something I thought about as I looked out the breakfast nook window on our way out.  And that is as far as we made it.

His replay was short and as snotty as a hormonal 13 year old girl.  He lashed out, was ugly as hell about it, and transformed into the proverbial nagging 'wife.'  His words stung, struck deep, and... brought tears to my eyes.  The latter is something that doesn't happen often anymore, not since my last relationship which all but buried the good parts of me and drove them crashing inward.  But the tears came silent, without words or any other sound.  Honestly, I just looked back out the window and wondered how such a simple, benign comment would turn him into a complete and utter asshole.

Such is the case with many guys of our generation.  Damn, I should've called this entry "The pussification of mankind," because this seems to happen far too much across the board.  But enough of this fucked up generation.

He immediately followed his hateful outburst to demanding we hurry up and go because he had stuff to do.  Um.  Okay.  The conversation that ensued after is likely just a plethora of minutia that probably won't serve this 'tale' well, so.. I'll leave those details for another, less-emotional entry.  Still,  T just threw himself into tantrum mode and went with it, un-checked.  He was so lost in his own bullshit he didn't even realized I'd pretty much emotionally checked-OUT myself.  The tears had stopped, and I was left absolutely numb on all accounts and sleepy as hell.  Yeah, I recognize the signs of depression well having been here before.

Once again he demanded we leave.  I told him, as I sat there in that lovely numbness, that I was trying to find the willpower to give a shit about going.  And I wasn't lying.  This has been my reaction to most of his crap lately---going numb and just ceasing to care about anything.  I recognize that as well.  So I stood, took off my coat and went to hang it back up in the entryway closet.. with him blabbering away about something I honestly couldn't 'hear' anymore.  'Damn,' I thought... "Did I just tune him out?"  I'm pretty sure I did and wasn't aware of it at first.

I went around the house turning a few lights on, turning the computer on, and raising the thermostat so the heat would also come on.  By that point I was so cold I was shaking, and it took everything I had not to walk into 'my room,' crawl in bed and go to sleep.  I fought it like crazy but ended up falling asleep at the computer trying to watch something on Netflix.  Basically, I shut down.

He's tooling about outside, burning leaves and limbs, etc., which is really what he wanted to do all along.  But instead of being a grownup, a MAN, he chose to be a spoiled child and threw a tantrum instead of saying.. "I have some stuff I need to do, so let's go afterwards or tomorrow."  Is that so fucking hard to say?

I'm numb still, depressed still, and homesick as hell.  This is pretty much how it happens whenever he gets pissy like he did.  I begin missing the only place that felt like 'home' since I was a kid living with my mom.  Not one single place in my life has felt like 'home' until I lived in the apartment in Mobile. God I miss that place so much, MY place.  It was my sanctuary.  It was my home... for almost 13 yrs.

I can't turn back the clock.  I can't get my apartment back.  And I know 100% that this damn house will never ever feel like 'home' to me.  This place has been poisoned by a person who has to control everything including the living, breathing things around him.  I thought my peace, my joy... would be set free if we moved here, away from the city, away from the noise, and into a neighborhood that would feel and sound like what I was used to.  Well, I should've known better.  I should've known that the only way I would ever be at peace is to be with a person who is peaceful.  And I also know how vastly different "INDIFFERENCE" and "PEACEFUL" are.

An indifferent person doesn't give a shit.  A peaceful person cares deeply and strives to maintain peace through doing what's right.  How is it that so many people don't get this?  On many levels I've understood this, though I didn't make the actual comparison until the last 5 years.

Demanding peace, rejecting change, forcing change, and ignoring responsibilities (all of them, including emotional and moral ones) does NOT bring peace but chaos.  Being a control freak not only hurts the person (whether they see it or not), but it also hurts the people closest to them.

The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and this is no exception.

I'm sick to death of fighting my way past T's crap, the debris of his indifference and intolerance.  I've been here before and it stinks to the high heavens like misery.  I reject completely the idea that I have to live in a joyless life, empty and void of all happiness and possibility.

Dammit, but NO ONE deserves to live this way.

I'm trying very hard to not hate men for the first time in my life, and the ONLY saving grace I have in that is I see how my sons turned out, all good, decent, selfless men.  At least their generation has some hope.  Not so much mine.

Part II: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

...as promised.

PART I: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

Self-explanatory, yes?

PART III: Malignant Narcissists, Revisited.

By request.... PART III.  And Julia, I will post the video to the song at the end of this...

PART II: Malignant Narcisists, Revisited.

By request.... PART II.  Part III is next.

Thanksgiving Eve...

Well, anyway....

Life, dammit.

Still behind---hope to catch up this week...

THE TRAIN - Coldwater Canyon (on CD Baby)

This is by special request. ;)  As for me, yes.. I'm Deplorable and only watch Trump events at RSBN's live stream on YouTube (Wayne Dupree as well).  What can I say... I've been waiting for Trump to run for President since the late 80's when he was asked repeatedly about it.  :D

Thoughts, Scattered.

....Like the wind at times.

Text, FB, Email is NOT a respectful way to have important conversations.

NOTE: Audio for this entry isn't the clearest, but I'm working on resolving this today so future posts are much clearer.  Thanks for your patience.

September 01, 2016: Life, rant, confusion... yeah, whatever.

Life.  Amiright?

Audio Blog Continues....

Healing being what it is, and a very long process at that, I'll be audio-blogging for a bit.  The last few days have been seriously confusing, chaotic, and stressful... so that's what I end up with when trying to talk about it.  Fun, eh?  :/

Risk for Redemption.

I played a bit with the idea of composing an audio/vid for myself, just something to remind me that there was, in fact, a time when I felt like a normal human being, when pain was minimal and sometimes absent, when I could behave normally, when restrictions of body (and now spirit and emotion) hadn't taken hold.  I know I used to feel better and actually participate in L I F E.  But for the life of me, my mind edits at will and separates the now from the then, the me I became and the me I once was.  So to keep it all in perspective... I made an audio movie with pics ranging from 8 months ago to 4 years ago, before this big crash in everything that is 'my life' and 'me.'

I was hesitant to upload it here (still am), but a friend of mine said "Do it.  Put it ALL out there, and to hell with what anyone thinks!"  It feels odd to see my own face all over this video, but... it's mostly for me anyway, something I can look at and recall that L I F E was there in me, and maybe.. just maybe... I will start believing again.  enough of the typing... arm aches horribly.

The compilation set as a reminder of where I once was in my L I F E and H E A L T H, remembering a healthier, happier me... taking a risk for redemption of myself, an apology to tell the woman I've become.... 'I'm so sorry I let you down."

The Truth.

The world has gone mad.  Or more specifically, America has gone mad.  In all my life I've never seen such division, such bitter hatred on the left, such utter madness.  And it is madness.  I don't watch the news anymore because it's simply the most depressing thing ever, honestly.  We all know the media lies, stretches truth, etc., but recently trusting anything put out by the media is just buying into fiction.  And to that I say--open a book and read, because there's more truth in a Stephen King novel than there is on CNN, MSNBC, FOX, etc.  If you're going to waste time, might as well have fun, and there's nothing fun about what's going on in the media.  And worse, are those buying into the garbage.

Whatever happened to the truth?  What's happened to people that they're SO willing to except, embrace, and repeat lies that have been repeatedly debunked?  Rhetorical question, because we all know that people will ultimately believe what they want to believe and there's nothing anyone can do to change that.  Once sucked into the gaping black abyss of a lie--it takes a tremendous effort to find your way out.

As for me, I choose not to buy into the garbage.

But I'm sad to see how much hatred there is in our country, hatred born of the dirty side of government, of politics, and of greed.

I'm not sure at this point that any one thing or person or event could turn it around.  People are to blame for their own thoughts and actions.  They make the choices, and no one is twisting their arm.

It's just so tiresome.

We don't have to agree with one another to be civil.  We don't have to think alike or look alike to be civil.  We don't even have to like each other in order to respect one another.  All social graces, all levels or morality and decorum can be maintained under almost all circumstances if we make the choice to rise above it all and do the right thing.

I have no idea what the outcome of this election will be, nor do I even pretend to think that we're all going to end up changed by the end of it all.  We're already changed.  All we can do now is dig our heels in and hold our ground despite the odds.  I'm ready to do that, and I know a lot of others are as well.

We'll take things day by day like anyone else, but none of us are willing to be bullied by the 'powers that be' or radical domestic terrorist groups.

They can try like hell to stop us.  But here's the deal: We're not going anywhere.

Deal with it.

Trump Supporter Kambree destroys National Review

I'm posting this across my blogs, because this woman speaks for SO many of us.  The original video she made is a lot longer than this, but this gets to the key points directly.  She speaks for SO many of us....

Oh but will you?

Undeniably, the mind, the spirit, and the body are ALL interconnected.  And if that sounds like a 'duh' statement, that's because it is.  Yet it still needs to be said for the sake of clarity, for me to point out the obvious that even I can see.  In such a chaotic and jumbled mess, being that of any relationship, the power this has over one's actual physical well-being is also undeniable, and yet sometimes I often look the other way and ignore the connections when I can't do anything about them at the time.  A little on the destructive side when you think about it, right?  Yet.. I'm human and prone to very human faults and so on.

Well okay, so do something about it, right?

Easier said than done.  Not impossible.  Just not easy.

My reaction to stress, anxiety, tension, etc. is just as human as it gets.  Some days are better than others, and most days I just go with it and trust that there's a reason I'm reacting to my circumstances in ways that aren't always best for me.  For the good of the better, the other person, the situation, and in complete line with seeking harmony I allow DISharmony to enter into my own personal space.  That's the cost, that's the price I pay, for wanting someone else to have the peace I rarely have myself.

And the echoes of impending broken promises do little to serve me.

Trust is a funny thing.  I trust the appearance of honesty and am often disappointed.  No wonder since I don't do much in the way of trying to understand if what I think I'm hearing or seeing is genuine.  I've done this in the past, extended trust where I shouldn't have.  But don't we all do this?  Either way, you'd think I'd learn, right?

I have learned in some ways but choose to allow that unrelenting romantic in me to believe that, like magic, all will be well and shining and happy and new.  Silly.  Absolutely silly.  Yet there it is in my current and past history.  Can one really polish a relationship like a silver spoon?  Maybe, but like that alluring and fickle metal... it will tarnish again if not tended to.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life polishing shit.  I mean, does that even make any sense?  No, it doesn't.  So why do I continue to do this?  Because I'm unhappy.  That's why.  Not that this is a permanent state, mind you, because all of us have the power to change our circumstances and reaction to them.  I keep telling myself that I can and will, and that little voice inside continues to ask... "Oh but will you?"

*shrugs*

As long as I don't give up, as long as I'm absolutely clear on what it is I need to be happy, healthy, and thrive... I'm not entirely lost to regaining the control I need in my life to make it different, better, mine.  I don't want to live someone else's life.  Do you?  Does anyone really?

Hello World...

I honestly didn't think I'd have anything left in me to post here today.  I did a bit of unloading in the other blogs and found that I really needed more caffein to carry on; I'm good with that.  With my cup of steamy nummieness sitting next to me I'm going to try and make some sense out of my out-of-control swinging appetite and the mess it threatens to put me in.

Prednisone.  I've now been on it roughly a month, still at 30mg at the moment and will be tapering down on Sunday.  Monday is when my blood work comes back and I know if it's safe to proceed to the next upward dosage of Azathioprine.  I will be going, I believe, from my current 50mg/day to 100mg/day.  The goal is 150mg/day.  Getting there will be interesting with all the side effects that come on at first and with each increase in dosage.  And then there's the high caution I'm in right now with regards to anything flu, cold or infectious anything at all.  My immune system is on overdrive, so suppressing it is critical.  With Prednisone AND Azathioprine on board my immune system is winding down to a steep low, which means I have to be extremely cautious with who I'm around.  I can't risk being sick.

My biggest worry--and I will get back to the diet/nutrition thing in a moment--is T.  He's not careful with using antibacterials on his hands, and yes.. he washes his hands but not to the extent he needs to now that he's living with someone who's immune system is purposely being suppressed.  He doesn't get it, and he forgets that he has consistently brought home colds and flu every year.  Regardless of his getting a flu shot, he gets the flu and brings it home.. every.. single.. year.  Colds as well.  He gets over the colds and flu fairly quickly, but as of right now if I'M to get a cold or the flu... it could end VERY badly, such as in pneumonia.

I feel like I have children at home again, always reminding him to please wash his hands when in public, or after going out in public, and especially if he's around someone who's sick.  I see him not doing this, and I remind him... constantly.  Why can't he remember himself?  Ugh.  smh.  I have to stop talking about this because it's extremely upsetting.

At any rate, the nausea that began yesterday continues, though not as bad.  It's a gross feeling in my stomach and back of the throat, and my taste buds are completely off at the moment.  I suppose this could be worked in my favor, considering.  But I'm not sure due to the fact that it seems my blood sugar drops, or does something, off and on during the day, prompting me to have a snack of some kind.

No shakeology again today either.  I love the taste of those shakes, especially since I had a tsp of orange extract to the chocolate, or the vanilla... it just tastes awesome.  But that nudge of caution is there just the same, to be careful of what I take in.  I have almond milk now, so I can do away with the dairy worry.  But still...

I'm no closer to any answers than I was a week ago, and my goals are clearly seen but out of reach due to T dragging his feet on important decisions requiring ACTUAL ACTION on his part.  Like the recumbent exercise bike for the back office.  The bike is chosen, he just has to order it.  And he's a procrastinator unlike any procrastinator I've EVER met.  OMG.. you've no idea.

So this morning I remind him about the exercise bike.  What does he say in response?... "I will have to measure it to see if it will fit in there."  HUH?  Seriously?  We spent last weekend moving a bookshelf from the office to the huge dining room, and a big doll cabinet (for my art) into my art room, emptying some boxes and moving the file cabinet, etc. to make room for that bike.  They don't come in different sizes, not when they're the high-quality ones for commercial use.  They come in ONE size, and knowing that size we made room for it.  So what's the deal?... Well, that one is easy to figure out...

You see, T isn't really much into anything if it's more than 4 or 5 inches outside his own skin.  He sees things from his perspective only, and he makes decisions based on HIS wants and needs and no one else's.  We were supposed to have ordered this bike MONTHS prior to moving, more than a year ago actually.  Now, it's a good thing that we didn't because it would've been a total bitch to move, but this is representative of to what degree he will put something off unless it only benefits HIM personally.

I'm told to listen to my body and don't push things too much, but I'm also told to try and incorporate some exercise into my life each and every day if possible, or as many times a week as possible.  T and I agreed that, for now, joining a gym would be far more costly in the long run, and it won't be nearly as effective because there will be days when I'm simply not up to driving to the gym and back. We discussed and agreed on an exercise bike for here at home, something even he could use.  Now he's hedging again as my health remains in the balance.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do.  He doesn't really keep me informed as to what's going on, decisions he makes, etc., which makes me feel like an outsider.  And.. I'm getting off-track here a bit, I know.  But his decisions are impacting my health, not HIS.

So while the wild switches between terrible nausea and raging prednisone hunger (which happens very little if at all the last couple of days), I'm left with only exercise to balance things out, and I need that bike to do it.  My stamina for standing at this time is at rock bottom...

What to do, what to do?  Wait, I guess, and see if he decides to ACT on anything.

I'm not holding my breath....