PART I: Malignant Narcissists, revisited.

This is part one of two.  Part two will be done and uploaded tomorrow....

Thanksgiving Eve...

Well, anyway....

Not feeling it....

I've always liked decorating early for Christmas.  Dragging everything out of storage, opening boxes and bags, and decorating... takes a minute, so the idea of putting everything up for a couple of weeks after all that works just doesn't make any sense to me.  Plus, my inner child is alive and well and always excited about Christmas, decorating, hot chocolate with marshmallows, Christmas cartoons and movies and every single bit of tradition out there.  I'm all in for Christmas...usually.

The last few years, however, the excitement has dimmed to a dull hue of red and green, to be honest.  I pretty much know the 'why' of this, but I've struggled over the past 6-7 years or so to repair whatever is sucking the joy out of the holidays and restore it to it's former, magical splendor.  If only....

It's not enough to know what's wrong.  Everything I long for when the nostalgia takes hold are those things that are just out of my reach. My attempts to re-create what's lost have failed, and I'm finding myself depressed more and more each year by the holidays.  While this depression doesn't completely isolate itself to Christmas only, that's the one that is the most difficult to navigate.

I really just hate this.

What 'haven't' I tried to breathe life back into the holidays?

This house is decked out big time, and... I'm just not feeling it.  I walk through the house, and I really love what I see.  But something vital is missing, and it's been fading away for years.  Yeah, yeah, I know this sounds like such a downer, but for me it really is in so many ways.

When all the reaching for better, happier, more joyful falls to the wayside.. so do I.  Just a fact.  There isn't any real way for me to work through this by myself, because the problem isn't an unknown.  As weird as that sounds, it's true.  When you don't know what's wrong, your focus shifts to one of discovery.  But when you know what's wrong one of the first things that comes to mind, for me anyway, is "Okay.  Now what?"  And, unfortunately, that's where I'm stuck.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm planning on digging into my web sites if I have enough energy to do so.  Maybe it will distract me, though I realize it won't solve anything.  I have to do something to fight my way out of this.

For the sake of this particular blog and it's 'intended' theme/focus, I will say that I'm doing well on my diet in the sense that I'm not having any urges to cheat etc., and in fact have been eating under my points (which can backfire on me later and likely will).

Okay, so.. no, I'm not making much sense at the moment.  I'm tired, so so tired.  I didn't sleep well last night which makes this all so much more intense, and in the wrong way.  At the urge of a couple of you, I'm trying, and that's about all I can promise I'll do right now.

Tomorrow is another day.  But today... I'm just not feeling it.

Creative chaos.

I'm way behind getting these uploaded, so please bear with me....

"You've chosen lessons of pain"

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

The fireflies have returned...

From my other blog:

I often see them outside the bedroom window at dusk and in the dark.  Sometimes one will cling to the outside of the window sill... and just blink... almost like it's saying hello.  The whimsical part of me remembers better times, before the pain and weakness, when I would go outside and just stand there among them.  There really was no place or experience more peaceful.  Now, I watch from afar, wanting desperately to be a participant again... in life.

Not sure when or if I'll ever be 'normal' again.  I'm losing hope, I have to admit.  My own light flashed brightly then.. simply went out for the most part.  And here I am, waiting in the dark, just waiting for those with the power to help me heal to... help me heal.

I waver these days between hope & depression.  And, there aren't any 'up' times at all anymore.  This severe pain, worse than anything I've ever known, has literally taken over my life.  Now, my life is measured, literally, between those doses of Tylenol... as I wait.

I've sent up the flare....

Home.

One thing I've known for certain for pretty much all of my life is that when I'm ill, I long for home.  When I was little I knew where that place was, and despite its terrible flaws it was still home.  As an adult I was surprised to find that I no longer knew exactly where home was.  So I would spend the majority of my adult life longing for a place that quite possibly, for me anyway, doesn't exist.  I've never been able to reconcile this; not physically, and certainly not emotionally.

The closest I've come to being "Home" once moving out of my mom's house at 18 is Mobile, AL.  I had a tiny little apartment, and though not every moment there was perfect, it felt safe, and it felt like a warn welcome every time I walked through the door--no matter how good or bad things were.  It was a safe place for me to be myself, where I could decompress, where I could dream, wish, hope and feel alive.  This is not the case where I am now.  Not even close.

How did I get here?  I got here the same way I got into every bad situation in my life; By pure blind trust.  It's a flaw of mine and one that's gotten me into more trouble than I can tell you.  I give people the benefit of the doubt, take them on their word, and actually believe what they say.  Well, to a point anyway.  The thing is, that 'point' in which I pivot and see the error of my ways is usually far too late to avoid any damage to my life, and to me.

I'll probably always be this way, a far too trusting person.  I'm okay with that, I guess.  But I really wish I were better at assessing and discerning the heart and motives of people BEFORE I get involved.  We all have our flaws, I suppose.

As I wait for the sluggish process of diagnosis beyond the AIH, I'm left far too vulnerable for my liking.  There are days I can't walk well, verging on not at all, and days where lifting my arms to look at my phone is almost too much.  The weakness grows more each day and the doctors I need to see are weeks out of reach since I'll be a new patient.  The waiting is going to end me in the ER at some point, I'm afraid.  But the worst of this is being this sick and living in a place where I know absolutely no one at all.

T only helps around here bare minimum, and as the chores, etc. pile up... I long for the simplicity of the life I had in Mobile, where I didn't have to clean up after another human who refuses to do what's necessary to not live in a dirty, cluttered house.  I can't live this way, so I struggle to pick up the slack.  And I'll tell you, the slack is far far more than what T actually does.

How the hell did he survive on his own?

I have to somehow find my way home--wherever that is.  I know I can keep struggling a little bit to find my way here, to at least hang in there until I'm better---or at least better enough to survive, to move, to do something to help myself.  At this rate I don't know if I can work, which scares that crap out of me.  Disability requires a definite diagnosis, and at this time I don't have one that explains fully how I'm continuing to weaken and become more and more sick.  What can I do if even typing an entry like this makes me shaky and nauseated with weakness?

I want to be well again, to feel good again, to have energy again.  I want to be in a position where I can find my way back home again.

Home.  I just want to be... home.

Weak. Tired....

It's been a few days, hasn't it?  Tapering off Prednisone is kicking my ass.  I'm so weak, cold, tired, dealing with nausea.  I'm about to go lay down for a bit, cover with a snuggly blanket and try my best to warm up and feel better; I really don't like that this has become my current 'Norm.'  When, oh when, will this start to improve?  When will I be able to re-join the land of the living again?

No answer...

I just can't sit here anymore...

The Invisibility of Being.

Throughout my life I've been pretty thin-skinned, listening to others tell me what I should/shouldn't be, what and how I should think, do, say, dream... developed into an art form for me that damn near reached "Spidey Power" status.  No, seriously.  I would take and wear whatever anyone projected upon me like a shiny pair of Jimmy Choo's.  And trust me when I say that two-sizes too small absolutely made a difference in how I felt and carried myself through life.

Barefoot is better.  Know what happens when you go barefoot the majority of the time?  The soles of your feet get pretty damn tough.  Having grown up poor I had only one pair of shoes (cheap) at a time and wasn't really allowed to wear them outside if I were just playing in the yard, etc.  They had to last until my mom decided we could afford more.  I think I had the toughest feet of anyone I've ever known because of this.  The only thing that really hurt me was if I stepped on glass (which I did a few times, once landing me in the ER to have the glass removed), and when that California asphalt and concrete got hot enough to fry an egg on.  Even so, over time walking barefoot didn't bother me one single bit.

But what about the INSIDE?  Oh, but that was a whole different story altogether.  I couldn't walk my way through through the pain to being 'thick-skinned' and pretty much felt the weight of anything and everything that was said to me.  Criticism became truth, a 'reality' handed to me that I willingly took.  My childhood experiences weren't filled with encouragement or praise nor even helpful criticism.  Indifference and criticism, and many times complete withdrawal of love and affection were the tools used to shape the person I would become.

I was to become the child who survived.

In adulthood, that small child I once was is alive, and though not well, that part of me is AWARE.  There is still a disconnection of who 'that little girl' was and who I am now, and I still see photos of when I was little and feel such pity for 'that little girl.'  Yes, I know it's me, of course.  But the disconnection is still there just the same.  I want SO much to apologize to her and say "I'm sorry I didn't protect you!"

I've accepted this disconnection as a part of who I am, but I don't like it one single bit.  C'est la vie.

I remain thin-skinned, but my reaction to criticism, disrespect, and so forth is very different now.  I've allowed history to repeat itself in relationships I've had, and the reality of this has unprecedented tenure, so it would seem.  It will be with me the rest of my life.  Okay.  I'll just have to work around that when possible, right?

So here I am all grown up and stuff.  I can make decisions, change my mind, and walk away from anyone or anything that threatens my happiness; such are the benefits of being an adult.  Right?  Well, not exactly.  At least not for me.  That subconscious, that inner child, the child I actually WAS at one time so long ago, well.. she has a mind of her own and remembers the pain, the isolation, the indifference, the coldness, the invisibility of being... well, me.

Such memories carry over for the long-haul and map the course of life in often undesirable ways.  But it doesn't always have to be like that.  I can do more to help myself in that respect.  And I do.

On bad days, of which I have far too many these days, that inner child is the one who suffers most.  Sure, I feel the physical pain, and I feel the isolation of my situation and all it invokes (depression, anxiety, etc).  But it's what happens INSIDE that changes my world, my life.  All I can do is anesthetize myself with too much coffee, reading, and way too much television.  My physical body simply refuses to allow much more these days.  That's okay, because eventually the AIH and the 'possible' Myositis, both autoimmune, is driving the bus now, and not even my inner child can rebel against that and affect change.

Sitting here in the quiet, drinking coffee, talking about things I've not talked with a single other human being about...well, but for one therapist for a very short time, I can definitely say I recognize my life as it was, and as it still is; The invisibility of being... me.

Another Day, Another...

When will the dialogue ever change?  It WILL change, the question is WHEN?  I'm fighting against the 24/7 prednisone hunger, the relentless bloat, water retention, swelling.. and dammit... no matter what I eat or don't eat, nothing actually changes.  This drug has taken the wheel and is recklessly steering things headlong into the abyss.

I'm going to make this as short as possible, but I vowed to make entries here so I can see where I was and when and what was going on at the time.  Weight loss isn't going to happen in the midst of weight gain.  Some people are very fortunate to not be on prednisone long enough, or have a dosage high enough, to cause too much damage.  But for those of us who have to endure this, the hell of having to choose between what happens WITHOUT treatment for AIH and WITH isn't really a choice at all, unless you have a death wish.  UNtreated AIH has an average 5 yr survival rate in many cases, and less than 8 when it comes to terms of cirrhosis developing if it's absent at the time of diagnosis.  Those are ugly odds.  So we take our medipoison and hunker down for a long and rough ride to remission.

Diet--meal planning--cooking--eating--and my body's reaction to any of those differ from one day to the next.  And by the end of the day my body is NOT my friend.  It's another day in prednisone hell and I'm not handling this well for the most part.

I can't define the excruciating back pain that came on board almost two weeks ago.  I've felt it before, and it went away quickly when I received 2 IV iron infusions for anemia.  So is the anemia back?  Why won't any of my doctors test for ferritin again to check this?  SOMETHING is causing severe back pain that even prednisone can't touch!  That's kind of a big deal since prednisone is often prescribed FOR back pain!  What gives?  I may end up having to call the hematologist to see if I can get re-tested based on symptoms.  It's a simple test done right in his office, and though the results take about 3 days to come back.. at least I'll know if low ferritin and/or iron in my blood is to blame.  Because honestly, this sucks worse than the AIH symptoms.

In the meantime, I choose what I eat based on how long or IF I'm able to stand there and cook, make a sandwich, etc.  Yeah, it's THAT severe.

It's just another day in my life on planet earth...

Saturday

Tomorrow is Saturday, and the day my Shakeology is to arrive.  I have a plan, a fairly well thought out one as plans go, and I'm not mentally preparing to go this alone as no support network actually exists for me.  But the lack of a support system during these endeavors mustn't be the reason I don't try.

It's not like I can't do it on my own, because I can.  It's the motivation factor when things seem difficult or complicated, such is the case when you're taking steroids, that a good support system becomes your saving grace.  I've learned the hard way over the last several years that it's okay to need help, to want support during difficult times, and to not feel guilty about asking for that help.  It's easier now since I don't have those people in my life anymore who made me feel bad for wanting or needing emotional support during difficult times.

Over the course of each day I look for my motivation, signs of life if you will, and accept what it is that I find, and even what I don't find.  There will be bad days, and there will be good days, and every step forward, though painful, is still a step forward.  I can do this.

I.  Can. Do.  This.

My goals sometimes change by the day, and on occasion more than once in a day.  Rolling with the punches means adapting to anything new and finding a way to get right back up again, even if I've been soundly knocked on my ass.  The stressors are still here as well, and I try to overlook, ignore, and otherwise block out those things if I possibly can.

As I sit here and feel the pain return in my back, where my kidneys are, I'm evaluating how much I'll be able to do today.  It's different every day, and I accept that fact as simply my reality as it stands right now.  If I don't listen to my body I will pay the price---you guys have heard me say that a few times and, well, it's the absolute truth.  So what WILL I be able to accomplish today, other than the usual paces I put myself through no matter what?

I wish I had somewhere else to retreat to, somewhere that I can be absolutely free from the pressures here in my immediate environment.  Realistically, the only retreat right now is a set of Bose headphones and music; it's how I block out the world when I've simply had enough.

Yeah... I know I'm rambling and all over the place today.  Today?  Well, it's become 'situation, normal' for me right now, but it's just the way it is.  So be it. I'm going with it because I don't know what else to do.  However, my goal was to unload the chaos and focus on what's to come.  When the Shakeology stuff arrives on Saturday I will be mostly prepared... emotionally anyway.

Did ANY of this make ANY sense whatsoever?

*sigh*

Spilling Over...

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!

Still fighting to find my bearings

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.

Above and Beyond the Beautiful: Food, Diet, Health.. or something else?

Life.  My life.  Not a single iota of it makes any sense to me.  But I am aware that there is great beauty in the world, natural wonders and love that runs deep and steady; they just don't exist in my current place in life.  Chronic pain has its effects, and when it's relentless all meaning of things once important to me slips away.  I don't include my children, etc. in this, btw.  But the meaning of my own life has turned dull and gray some time ago, and my current situation is key to holding that dullness in place, steady, and keeping me in emotional shackles.  Finding my way out of it all has become all-important.

Worrying about my current state of health isn't to say I'm scared of diagnosis, prognosis, etc. as much as I fear not being able to LIVE, to feel good, vibrant, energetic, and to reach for and achieve that which is so important to me.  It's not the ability to live that scares me---it's the inability to live well and happy.

I currently have no quality of life.

I have to decide from day to day if I have enough energy and am without pain enough to even dare to dream of the future, what I want and need in my life, where I want to go and how I want to get there. The physical pain is now all-consuming and the backdrop to every single event (few as they are).  How I get from the beginning of the day to the end is the only thing I can focus on.  How well will I sleep if at all?  Will I be able to sit, stand, walk, or lay down comfortably?  Will I be able to eat with the constant queasiness and nausea?  Will I be able to tolerate having T around me?  Will I be able to handle his indifference, self-centeredness and self-serving behaviors?  So many questions I have to answer every day and every night, and too many times I don't have answers, nor solutions, no cures or fixes, and no method of coping if not.

To be brutally honest, there are days when I know I would welcome going to sleep and not waking up.  The pain, the physical pain... is that bad, and mostly because there is absolutely NO respite from it, not even sleep.  No respite at all, not ever, not a moment.  I don't understand it, and no doctor has yet to determine the cause or find a solution.

I just have to get through today.

I just have to get through today.

....just today.

Is it my diet?  My attitude?  Will nourishing my body in a healthful way help me at all?  How do I convince T of what I need to do to get well, to thrive, to LIVE???!  Ultimately I have no control over most of what happens in my life since T came into it, and I believe it's time to put my foot down so that I can put myself first, for my health, my LIFE.  I'm not going to make it very long with things as they are, and I'm not going to heal and acquire health if I don't take precise steps to obtain that.  Why is he so resistant to my getting well????

I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

Boo's Juicy Bits....

I've strayed more than just a little from the intended purpose of this blog.  But then, maybe I didn't if I'm simply following the course of events while trying to regain my health and happiness again.  At the basis of health and vitality there is nutrition, and I STILL believe wholeheartedly that a plant-based diet is the best course, as long as you follow the rules and not get yourself into trouble with deficiencies.  I had an undiagnosed iron deficiency which made things very difficult as far as eating vegetarian.  It's okay, though, because correcting the anemia and replenishing absent iron stores takes precedence over focusing on a vegetarian diet.  What I needed the most was iron-rich foods, and HEME iron at that.  But this is really not the focus of what I'm trying to say here....

Back to the health and vitality part...

In order to have emotional/mental vitality, to be at the top of your game, to live strong, feel strong, to THRIVE... you of course need to have good health.  Seems like a conundrum, doesn't it?  It is.  And it isn't.  Though that's not to say it's easy trying to find out what came first.. the chicken or the egg.

So yes, this downward spiral of health began a few years ago, and in THAT respect I can recognize very well, in retrospect, which came first.  Emotionally I was fighting a losing battle, at odds with someone I loved immensely, and wrongly trusted with my heart AND my mind.  I made a mistake in that, sure, but the damage was done and it wreaked major havoc on my health.  I'm STILL dealing with the after-effects.  It's a process.

Choosing to work through this on another (new) blog, "This Free Spirit," is helping.  But actual healing is going to take much more than that--this I know.  Stuffing the emotions down via new age voodoo isn't going to do it, because it's STILL there... even though you've lost access to those feelings.  I promise you, this is the very LAST thing you should EVER consider to try and 'rid' yourself of damaged you've sustained to your 'self' by others, or by your own doing.  There are far too many ways to help people ESCAPE the feelings.  But again, those methods only BURY them deeply so you don't recognize what it is that you're dealing with anymore.

The ONLY way to truly heal is to FACE those demons head-on, because they really suck at being quiet or laying low.

Seriously.

Here is the part where I CHOOSE to change my focus, while still acknowledging what I'm dealing with.  Here is where I return to the intended purpose of this blog---health, eating, etc.---while still sharing life effects that remain a backdrop to such endeavors.

Life...

Narcissists Destroy Who they cannot Control

Once again, M... you need to see/hear this.  It will resonate with you... please listen carefully.  It may just change your life for the better.  Your happiness is important, and don't EVER let anyone tell you otherwise.