Pushing for healing.

Shoulder still isn't well enough recovered for me to type much, so I've done another video in the meantime.  Heads up: I'll be doing more on diet, nutrition, etc soon.

Thanks for listening. :)

Experiment #1...

Until my shoulder heals and typing is no longer painful, I'll be making these audio entries.  This first one is only an experiment, but I'll be making more soon with an actual message. lol  ;p  Thanks for hanging in there with me.  xo

Because the Discussion Changes

It's not in one place.  If you're new here, this is what you need to know about my blogs.  The problem with putting all thoughts into one place is that looking for relevant information becomes a treasure hunt of sorts where you only find the dragon in the end, rather than the gold. Okay, so I'm not saying what I have to say from one day or one moment to the next is 'gold,' but my sense of humor is working overtime today... just bear with me on that, okay? ;)

This Free Spirit is one such place, the newest in the corridors here.  It's kind of my safe place, in a way, though visiting the ghosts of the past is often the case.  "Abuse Bonds Broken" is, for me, a way to help myself, and to help others, who've dealt with malignant narcissists.  It's really not always about the worst of the situation, nor is it always just about purging the demons.  My goal there is to help, but to also bring healing for myself in the process.  And process, I do.. more times than not, this is exactly what I'm doing there.

The stories and such aren't often pretty.  But life with a narcissist and emotional abuser rarely is, right?  In essence--you're not going to find unicorns there.

Where Fireflies Dream is a place where the sun is SUPPOSED to shine a little brighter, where life is a little lighter, fuller....  But let's face it; as life smacks me up-side the head on occasion, the lines between the great and not-so-great begin to blur.  In essence--you won't often find unicorns here either.  But I'm trying...

All Things Ephemeral .... because the discussion changes.  This was the original blog, the one where most of the laughter, contemplation, silliness, passion, and tears were cast upon the pages.  It was overwhelming at first, really, because there were NO lines drawn between anything; it began as a place to purge anything and everything.  This also used to result in many posts being deleted.  Yes, I still do that on occasion, delete posts, but very rarely now.

Boo's Juicy Bits  Well, now THIS one has gone absolutely rogue, I have to admit.  It began when I started juicing, then evolved as I embarked on a healthier diet, then went completely rogue because of the health issues that have come on board.  This blog... let's just say ANYTHING could end up here.

Why?  Because the discussion changes!  And because we live in a world that has become increasingly indifferent, where people can't 'concern' themselves with the emotions, experiences, etc. of another human being.  This is not accusatory, by the way.  It's simply a sad fact.

While not everyone is safely wading in that comfortable pool of ones own life, some are simply unable to step out... be vulnerable.  No matter.  These blogs... are just me stepping out of that comfortable place.

Above and Beyond the Beautiful: Food, Diet, Health.. or something else?

Life.  My life.  Not a single iota of it makes any sense to me.  But I am aware that there is great beauty in the world, natural wonders and love that runs deep and steady; they just don't exist in my current place in life.  Chronic pain has its effects, and when it's relentless all meaning of things once important to me slips away.  I don't include my children, etc. in this, btw.  But the meaning of my own life has turned dull and gray some time ago, and my current situation is key to holding that dullness in place, steady, and keeping me in emotional shackles.  Finding my way out of it all has become all-important.

Worrying about my current state of health isn't to say I'm scared of diagnosis, prognosis, etc. as much as I fear not being able to LIVE, to feel good, vibrant, energetic, and to reach for and achieve that which is so important to me.  It's not the ability to live that scares me---it's the inability to live well and happy.

I currently have no quality of life.

I have to decide from day to day if I have enough energy and am without pain enough to even dare to dream of the future, what I want and need in my life, where I want to go and how I want to get there. The physical pain is now all-consuming and the backdrop to every single event (few as they are).  How I get from the beginning of the day to the end is the only thing I can focus on.  How well will I sleep if at all?  Will I be able to sit, stand, walk, or lay down comfortably?  Will I be able to eat with the constant queasiness and nausea?  Will I be able to tolerate having T around me?  Will I be able to handle his indifference, self-centeredness and self-serving behaviors?  So many questions I have to answer every day and every night, and too many times I don't have answers, nor solutions, no cures or fixes, and no method of coping if not.

To be brutally honest, there are days when I know I would welcome going to sleep and not waking up.  The pain, the physical pain... is that bad, and mostly because there is absolutely NO respite from it, not even sleep.  No respite at all, not ever, not a moment.  I don't understand it, and no doctor has yet to determine the cause or find a solution.

I just have to get through today.

I just have to get through today.

....just today.

Is it my diet?  My attitude?  Will nourishing my body in a healthful way help me at all?  How do I convince T of what I need to do to get well, to thrive, to LIVE???!  Ultimately I have no control over most of what happens in my life since T came into it, and I believe it's time to put my foot down so that I can put myself first, for my health, my LIFE.  I'm not going to make it very long with things as they are, and I'm not going to heal and acquire health if I don't take precise steps to obtain that.  Why is he so resistant to my getting well????

I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.