Part II: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

...as promised.

PART I: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

Self-explanatory, yes?

PART I: Malignant Narcissists, revisited.

This is part one of two.  Part two will be done and uploaded tomorrow....

Thanksgiving Eve...

Well, anyway....

Too soon?

Naaaaaah.  Not for me.

Creative chaos.

I'm way behind getting these uploaded, so please bear with me....

Still staying tuned????

I'm going to attempt a written blog entry as I wait for an upload to youtube of an audio entry.  The entry itself is a couple of days old, so.. where I'm at right now isn't completely different, just more intense (if you will).  So much for changing the dialogue in my life.  The scenery is fine, so you know.

It wasn't a particularly bad day, and it wasn't the greatest day either.  My motivation continues to lag behind the wants of the will, spirit, and what I perceive in my mind's eye is nothing like the reality that surrounds me every waking minute.  Be that as it may, it doesn't mean I don't try and affect change, and even a little of that is welcome right now.  Still, I went from a relatively good place to being slapped back down the rabbit hole where all the dark things are.

Notice how much easier it is for me to talk about things when I'm not speaking?

It's still a trust issue, of that I'm aware.  And who knows just how long I will regain enough trust in the world and people to be able to just talk openly about anything and everything... with my own voice?  I guess my job right now is to just keep trying.

To those of you who wrote or called to beg me to keep doing audio entries, what I can say to that right now is.. I'll see.  All I can do is one step at a time, one day at a time, one life event at a time.  I understand to some degree (because you have pointed this out) that these entries are far more intimate and 'real' when you HEAR them.  Okay.  I can't promise audio entries 100% of the time, but I will promise to do what I can as time and energy allows.  Deal? ;)

Even so, tonight took an abrupt change when I had to remind T that I have to make a deposit in my account.  Long story short, I was met with a response filled with complaining, whining, insinuations, and more.  Well, good grief... sorry that I'm too sick to work right now, and sorry that the cards that have balances on them have those balances because of purchases made for THIS HOUSE.  Oh my God, but I'm really so tired of the dialogue.

I pray every night for healing, for energy, for an abundance of good health, and the ability to take my life into my own hands again, to remove the power he has over my life.  Oh, but how things will be different when I'm back on my feet again.  He's gotten far too comfortable with the control thing.

He does this nearly every night, making sure that I'm stressed, anxious, wide awake and unable to sleep.  And this is usually a given on the nights before we have to wake up at O'dark thirty the next morning.  I've a long ride tomorrow, 6 hours round trip and am loathing the idea, even knowing it's something I have to do.  I'll be in pain, and I'll be miserable.  My body isn't up to that trip but there isn't a thing I can do about it.  And now.... I get the added benefit of being ridiculously tired because T decided that unloading a plethora of negative statements and whining was a goal tonight.

As an aside, I got the new bed today.  I'm not sure it's going to be comfortable, though the manufacturer said it was the same firmness/softness as the bed that's already here in the master bedroom.  Chronic pain means even the most comfortable of beds feel like a torture device when it touches your muscles, joints, skin.  I may be a while on that recliner if this is the case, but I am incredibly grateful for that recliner, I admit.

Just checked the upload to youtube for that audio file and it's very, VERY slooooooooooow.  Just a shame it had to be tonight that I figured out an alternative way to getting those files uploaded, ad iMovie has decided to be a total butt and give errors uploading the usual way.

Well, I'm amazed at how much I can type now.  The shoulder still has crappy range of motion, but at least this part isn't as painful as it was.  And no worries, those of you who prefer the audio entries... I will still make those for the most part.

Now, while I'm able, I think I will attempt to do entries for my other blogs... specific to those blogs.  We will see, right?

Okay, so I'm outta here for the night.  Sleep tight... sweet dreams....

Recycling the old year anyway

New year, new beginnings... something people talk about when it's time for the calendar to change to the next page.  Why do people set themselves up like that?  Whatever drives you, I guess.  As for me, I've stopped prescribing to new year's resolutions and promises that I'm not 100% sure I can keep.  I mean, once you've let yourself down it's not the easiest thing getting past the ole "Dammit, I failed" self-talk.  Even if we don't say it out loud or think it consciously, it still rattles about inside for a bit.

No resolutions for me, thank you.  I'm going to do a life resolution and give myself permission to not reach that goal in any particular amount of time or in any particular fashion.

So I will now focus on simply recycling the last year into the next and giving it new purpose, a new chance.  Why not?  Why wouldn't I give myself that gift?  It costs exactly nothing and has a higher chance of actually being successful.  Think about it.  Giving yourself a do-over IS possible.

Reach for it.  If you grasp air, reach again.  Keep at it, because contrary to what some will tell you life is a damn process, not a static decision we make each day.  We're alive.  Period.  Get it?  We. Are. Alive.  It's already done for you, and all you have to do is participate.

Get it?

Changing the Dialogue to "Yes, it's okay to focus on ME."

Crossing entries on my blogs are simply until I catch everyone up to speed with what's currently going on in my life.  Once that's done the entries should be focus-specific to the blog... Thanks for hanging in there with me, folks.

I don't feel like writing another entry.  My body hurts, and putting AIH into remission is going to be a bitch.  But I have to allow myself that time, you know, to heal, to mend, to just be okay about how this needs to evolve.  It isn't comfortable saying I'm going to take care of myself.  I've spent my life as a mom, so caretaker is really the only title I ever knew.  As a child, my emotionally absent mom who preferred psychological torture and punishment, made it so even then I knew deep down that all I had was me.  Somehow, I made it.  Somehow that child survived.  And somehow.. I will continue to do so.

I'm fighting like hell not to lay down, to give in to the discomfort and pain, fatigue and sluggishness that began returning with the first taper-down of prednisone.  I'm fighting that, because if I don't... it will win.  And I can't have that.  So what I'm doing now is continuing to reassess where I am and planning a strategy that I know will help me.  Some of this I can do on my own, and some of this I will need help to keep that forward momentum.  T would be instrumental in that IF he were plugged in, here in the present, and not mired in doing the bare minimum required in life overall just to get by.  How can someone that unmotivated be so successful financially?  Don't know.  What I do know is that I'm mostly on my own, and that means all focus for healing must be spent aimed in the right direction.

Remission is the goal.  Feeling GOOD, even GREAT is the goal.  Being happy, healthy, inspired and excited about my life... THAT is a goal.  MY goals.  No matter if I have the actual stamina at the moment to make it all happen at once, but I can't give up.  What energy I have will now be directed solely at taking care of me.  I have to.  My survival depends on it.

I know what I need.  I've always known what I need.  There have been a couple of people in my life who decided THEY were experts on what I need.  And they were and ARE completely WRONG.  I knew this then, and I know this now.  My approach now is to listen to myself, because no one is an expert on me.. except me.

T has no idea what I need.  He's not horrible, mean, nor hateful (well, except on a couple of occasions when he chose to be an asshole and regretted it).  He is, in some ways, worse than 'mean.'  To me, indifference towards another person, not SEEING them, HEARING them, and unplugging because you're lazy is far worse in many ways.  But I'm not going to focus overly on that, because my point here is that he is of no help.  I have ME.

I've had to say it out loud, my truth.  I've had to say the words that make it real so I can take every measure to improve my chances and LIVE.

I have an autoimmune disease.  The one I have attacks my liver, specifically, but wreaks havoc throughout my entire body, leaving much damage in its wake.  I have Autoimmune Hepatitis, and I will have this disease for the rest of my life.  I don't have all  of the answers.  I don't know my specific odds just yet.  It's too soon with treatment for me to know anything but what I feel and experience daily as I strive for remission.

How long will remission last? Unknown.

The odds are great that most with AIH will relapse within 12-24 months, and with a second (or multiple) relapses prognosis becomes more grim.  I know with a second relapse I will be placed on an immunosuppressant, and most likely for life.

The drug that helps me hurts me.  But it's a necessary evil, because the alternative is early mortality if this isn't treated quickly and appropriately.  This is an aggressive disease that requires aggressive treatment in most cases.

There is a chance, a good chance, that I will never ever feel 100% like myself again.  There will be good days and bad days, and I won't be able to predict which days will be which.

This disease can and often does cause secondary problems, such as pulmonary.  I have to accept the fact that this has already occurred.

I have portal hypertension, and though it's mild at this time, it points to the presence of liver damage. I will believe, until told otherwise, that this damage is mild.

I wasn't told I have fibrosis or cirrhosis.  I will accept that as confirmation that I don't have those problems.  Yes, I know that this 'don't ask' policy I've taken on is a little silly.  But I'm sure my doctor would've told me it were the case if I had either.

This inner dialogue is what I live with now.  My constant mantra as I taper down the prednisone has returned to: "I can do this!  I can do this!" as I go about my usual daily routines and chores.  I talk myself through everything.

I miss that first week on Prednisone, when I felt the pain subside, my energy return, and my thinking clear.  I don't know if that feeling of returning good health is something that will return.  I don't know much of anything at the moment.

I understand that what little information that is out there for this disease simply isn't enough to help me understand what's happening to me.  I'm confused and need answers.  But there simply isn't enough out there for me to glean any real understanding of this situation that has radically changed my life.

I'm told I have the "Type 2" variety, that mostly effects young women... but can happen to older women too.  Type 1 is rare enough, but Type 2 is even more rare, and often with a poorer prognosis as those patients, patients like me, often don't respond well to treatment protocols, have partial success, or quick and multiple relapses causing further liver damage.

I know diet doesn't help, it doesn't heal, it has no effect except in the case of salt intake and cirrhosis. I don't have cirrhosis, so I'm not sure how much salt will effect me if at all.  I can't turn to diet to fix this.  Nothing will fix this.  Treatment is management of the disease, as there is no cure.

I understand that NOT treating this disease brings early mortality, so I'm planning on sticking with the protocol, even if it does bring on board unpleasant side effects.  Weight gain, etc with Pred is a given.  Been there, done that, and one struggles terribly after coming off to take this corticosteroid weight gain off.  But.. I suppose choosing life and some weight gain at first is better than death.

So be it.

The dialogue in my life has changed.  My inner dialogue has changed with the circumstances, and I have to learn how to deal with T's insensitivity where I'm concerned.

...which is another entry for another time.

Holidays, the Non-Gift Giver, and the Joy of Giving Gifts

Sounds so cliche, doesn't it?  In a time where 'black friday' means people literally trampling each other, sometimes to death (yes, this has happened) to get to the 'best deal,' I can only shake my head and wonder what things have come to, why people are focusing SO heavily on 'stuff.'  I have no problem with the whole 'Christmas package,' meaning the tree, the trimming, the gift giving, the music, and all the little traditions most of us remember from childhood.  I LOVE this stuff.  And for the record, this isn't a religious discussion (I'm Catholic), so I won't be touching on THAT aspect of the season.  Just so you know.

Gifts.  Depending on the person gifts can hold different meanings, different associations, and have very different affects.  Some people are very hard to please and require expensive gifts, while others are quite content with small items with big meaning.  I fall into the latter category.  To me, a well-thought-out gift is worth more than all the jewelry, diamonds, or money in the world.  If someone where to give me a crazy, unique, or spooky stuffed toy... then they've given me gold.  I'm not that hard to please.  Having said that, what about those who live with someone who isn't a gift-giver?  How does that work?  Well, that depends too....

Know who you're with.  Sounds easy, doesn't it?  Well first off let me say that for the sake of this conversation we're going to talk about men--men who aren't gift-givers and what it means.  DO know that I fully understand and am aware that there are women like this out there, but the majority tend to be men.  Women are rather hard-wired for being people-pleasers.

Know who you're with.  You can't really choose a meaningful gift if you don't know who it is you're buying for.  Well, you can sometimes come close by focusing on trends for particular age groups and gender.  But that's outside of the scope of this conversation.  If you know who you're with, then choosing (or making!) a meaningful gift is a no-brainer.  All it requires, really, is for you to actually give a crap.  Blunt?  Yes.  And there's no reason not to be blunt.

Respect who you're with.  THIS is the key, folks.  THIS is what makes or breaks relationships.  It's more than an ideal, it's a necessity.  If you don't respect WHO you're with, you're doomed, dude.  Plain and simple.  Might as well give up right now, because that relationship isn't going to last.   And if it does, it will be one miserable time for all.

Respect is the foundation for every single relationship in your life.  It doesn't matter if it's home, work, family, friends, or enemies.  If you have genuine respect for someone you're going to be pretty damn close to being on-target with just about every situation with them.  I promise.  The only time respect on YOUR part won't work.. is if that person doesn't respect YOU.  But that's another talk show.

Respecting someone for WHO they are, and this is very important, means you KNOW who they are and ACCEPT them for who they are.  If you don't get this, you're screwed.  But getting back to the point--when it comes to gift-giving it's not about YOU, the giver, it's about THEM, the receiver.  A gift isn't something you do for yourself, but something you do for another.  And it's utterly shocking how many people don't really get this.  Now, is there something in it for you, the giver?  Of course! And that, my friend, is a very personal thing, so I'm not going to go into that here.  But giving a gift is NOT about you. Know this first and foremost.

It's okay to make a mistake.  For lack of a better word, I'm using "Mistake" for clarity and understanding.  Even if you know someone well, you can choose the wrong gift in some people's eyes.  Get that?  In SOME people's eyes.  I'm also not talking about people who don't APPRECIATE a gift, so let's not focus on that, because it too is another talk show.

You get the wrong size, wrong color, a music cd of a band you think she liked.. only to find out.. she hates them.  It CAN and DOES happen!  But the difference is.. how many times does it happen?  A couple?  And is it really an honest mistake on your part--because she's going to know.

If it's an honest mistake, a good woman is going to know.  If it's carelessness, she's going to know.  If you put NO thought into it (here's where knowing and respecting that person comes in), she's definitely going to know.

But if it's truly an honest mistake... it's okay.  Either she'll be sentimental and suck it up and keep the gift, or she will exchange it.  So.. how you react to those things are up to you.  Just know that it's REALLY not a big deal.

I can't say I see any gift as a mistake.  Well, if you buy me men's cologne.. then yeah, that's a huge mistake. lol  But for the most part, the effort speaks for itself.

The guys who aren't gift-givers.  Now this is a big one.  And a complex issue.  So I'm going to attempt to not make even more so.  Some guys aren't big gift-givers, but they show love in meaningful ways.  I mean, how can you fault that?  You can't.  Tenderness, care, compassion, friendship, being a good listener, being a strong support system for whatever is needed, and being her biggest cheerleader.  Oh yeah, those things... are worth more than gold.  And if you have that, CHERISH it with all you have!

The flip-side to this whole gift-giving thing is what's often lost on some guys.  YOU may not be into it, but if SHE is, then why not participate in something that brings her joy?  I can't speak for the situations where 'she' wants excessively expensive things, but I can say that for women like me, who are happy with the little things, it really wouldn't take much effort to make Christmas 'super cool.'

I'm with someone who isn't a gift-giver, and there are other issues that overshadow that.  BUT, it would take very little to make Christmas an absolutely lovely affair.  But T doesn't really feel ANYTHING about the holidays, outside of a religious nature that is, and so I'm left to putting up a tree and decorating by myself.  This wouldn't be such a big deal if T appreciated any of it.  Last year the tree was decorated, as well as a couple of rooms, and he walked through the door and noticed not a single bit of it.  It was a surreal and strange experience, and one I'm not willing to go through again.  So this year, I'm decorating for ME.  What this means is I'm decorating the tree and house the way I want to.  Well, given my health isn't kicking me in the ass too much to actually decorate.  Just know this, guys, when things get to this point, when she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

When she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

I'll let that sink in a moment...

There are men out there that literally have no appreciation of the gifts given to them, the time, effort, money, etc. put into choosing just the right thing.  Seriously, guys. even if it's inexpensive, it should still be meaningful and memorable by you.  Some guys show their utter lack of appreciation for gifts given to them by actually FORGETTING WHO GAVE THEM THE GIFT!  And oh yes, this happens.  In my own experience... I gave a gift to my ex, a bear, and he GAVE IT BACK to me a year later.. as a gift!  He 'thought' he'd bought it.  But I actually had/have photos of when I chose it, purchased it, and took it home.  I hand-delivered this gift to him, and he didn't even remember who gave it to him to begin with.  And to make matters worse is---his 'shopping' in the stuff he had around the house to find me a Valentine's Day gift.  Wow.  A hand-written love letter would have blown me away, and it would've cost nothing but a few minutes of his time.  *sigh*  Guys... don't do this to your wife or GF.

If you're a guy who isn't a gift-giver, consider trying to do that for her.  Maybe it doesn't come natural to do that, but it can become a sweet habit if you simply... practice.  Don't have the money to buy her a bouquet of flowers... buy ONE!  Buy a rosebush and plant it for her (the gift that keeps on giving).  Whatever it is you do, put thought into your choice, make it say "I know you," "I see who you are and I love that about you."

Thoughtful gift givers put actual thought into the process, don't overly focus on cost (staying within budget, though) but on choosing something that fits that person, watch for clues as to what might be the perfect gift for that person, plans ahead--doesn't rush out at the last second and choose whatever's easiest, and makes their choice from the heart.

Not a gift-giver and unwilling to try?  If you simply can't be a gift-giver, then at least get out of the way and let her buy her own gifts.

It's really simple when you think about it.

Like I need another hole in the head

New blog.  Honestly, sometimes I wonder where I get all the time to post in all of these.  In some ways having the focuses of my entries in separate blogs helps me maintain cohesive thought.... well, at least I TRY.  Expressing everything in one common place just makes for a serious muddle in which it's difficult to sift through sometimes.  I mean, I revisit some of my entries to see where I am.  I mean, isn't that what a 'diary' is for?

Well, this new one is about the ongoing processes of working out past injuries, as well as current ones...

Either way, it was a moral imperative.  Finding my way in the dark is a necessity, and the link below will provide you with a window on which to see this happen.  It's not always going to pleasant...

This Free Spirit

OR

http://abusebondsbroken.blogspot.com

Blast from the past

I guess it's kind of weird, really, that my dreams bring in people I knew some 20 years ago.  Weird, but not at all bad.  I think the last really awesome guy I ever dated was back when I worked at the Biloxi Belle in Biloxi, MS. It's a memory I don't actually visit, but one that visits me.  I don't feel melancholy or sad, but I do think it's strange.  I won't even begin to guess what it means, because I think that it has a lot less to do with HIM than it does with ME, who I am, who I was, and who I should be.  Back then I was able to be who I was without any seemingly limiting people around me.  Gosh, that was so very long ago, and during a time when my decisions were mostly the right ones.

Have you seen my alter egos?

.... I think they're playing a disturbing game of hide and seek.  Just kidding!  For the sake of clarity, for anyone new to reading the entries of this blog, my 'alter egos' is a reference to my other blogs, ones which I try to update as often as possible.  At times, I copy and paste the same entry as the first blog I began with, but I try very hard to post what's relevant to that blog.  Trust me, my blogs aren't supposed to be created equal. ;)

You can find the Alter Ego links in the menu bar on the side of the page, if you're curious and new to my blogs.  And why do I have other blogs?  Basically, they were all set apart for specific purposes; dreams and wishes, passions/life/desire/health, and the transient things that, by their very nature aren't always meant to sustain themselves in my life, or... at times... on 'the page.'  Naturally, all of the parts make up the whole, so overlapping is common and necessary sometimes.

I have to admit I've held back a lot over the past few months, whereas in the past I've pretty much unloaded here.  I won't go into why I began withholding what I really wanted to write, but the experiences took hold and held on for dear life.  It wasn't my intention for things to go that way.  But they did anyway.

My goal going forward is to find myself in a place of trust.  This will be a process, because my past being what it is, well, it's just going to take some time is all.  I'll get there.

Reminder: My other blogs

A couple of you have sent me messages on FaceBook regarding a few issues I promised to talk about or update about.  I have.  You may have just missed where I spoke about them.  This was the problem I mentioned previously about keeping all 3 of my blogs.  But you guys begged me to keep them all, so I did. :)

So as a reminder, and to either clear up confusion or create more, here are the links to my other blogs.  You can always find them in the menu section (side bar) under Alter Ego.  Also, in case you've forgotten, mostly the separate blogs are for focus, so that all topics don't all end up getting blended together in one place.

Hope this helps...

Where Fireflies Dream

http://gothicwell.blogspot.com

All Things Ephemeral

http://autumnwhisperstome.blogspot.com

Boo’s Juicy Bits

http://boosjuicybits.blogspot.com

Each blog is designed for a specific purpose and focus, true, but all of them overlap in many ways.  I may end up burning myself out posting on one, and may not get a chance to post an entry on the others the same day, or at the same time.  There will be times, in other words, where it may appear as if I've not made an entry...when I actually have but on a different blog.

A brief explanation of the blogs may help a little bit.  Just remember that even if a topic/blog may not interest you, I may have spilled everything there and not posted elsewhere.

Where Fireflies Dream was intended to be a place for dreams, wishes, hopes, plans, goals, etc.  But it's evolved over time into something bigger than that.  That's about all I can do to explain this blog.  There are days when the focus is implied, and days when I'm speaking in contrast to what the focus actually is.

All Things Ephemeral is the original blog, the one I built and posted on about anything and everything you could possibly imagine.  I used to give quite a bit of details, which often meant deleting entries after a time that said too much.  Hence the name "All Things Ephemeral."  Now, I've not recently unloaded in detail there, so most of the entries remain intact.

NOTE:  It must be said that when I do post in great detail there the post may not remain for long.  So if you make it a habit of reading posts in this blog you probably won't miss anything.  If you wait too long.. the entry may be deleted.

Boo's Juicy Bits:  Now this blog is mainly about health and diet in the context of flirtatious fun.  With health issues wreaking havoc, however, it's changed the entries for the most part.  But as things change and I get on top of things... it will return to its original and flirty content.  I'm not about faking things to entertain, so you guys will know pretty much where I am by what you read there.

Again, ALL of these blogs intersect in some way.  They all have a purpose, to which I've tried to keep true on, but they still cross over one another in ways.

Okay.  Enough of this.  Again, you can find the links to the Alter Ego blogs in the bar to the side of each blog.

Well... this liquid diet is kicking my ass today, so I'm off here for now.

*waves*

The taste of life, of health, of... freedom.

Life, freedom to be myself, to express who I am and indulge in my passions for art, photography, animals, photography, reading, or anything I choose.  There is nothing sweeter, is there?  Nothing at all.

That craving for the sweetness of a life fully lived---it happens when you're in an emotional deficit, when everything you attempt is met with argument, indifference, and someone else's utter need to control you.  Me in this case.  Let's just say it like it is.

Freedom is necessary and vital for me right now.  I have to survive a few things going on with my health, issues that have yet to be only somewhat identified.  Less than a week and I see a Dr., one I hope will have the answers, or at least have the determination to get to the bottom of things.  Healing requires freedom, the absence of any outside, controlling person or people.  It's critical for healing, having the freedom to be yourself fully and to breathe.  To breathe.

I can't breathe.  Who can when someone is standing on your oxygen supply?

All the healthy food in the world won't help if you can't breathe, when someone tries to control your life so completely that the walls close in.

I just want to step out into the sun and dip my foot in the lake.

Does anyone get at all what I'm saying?

Fell off the grid for a bit, didn't I?

It happens to the best of us.  Plus there's still a lot of house renovations going on.  And yeah, that was supposed to be finished, but you know how it is.  One thing is shiny and new, and the thing next to it looks like crap. lol  Yeah.  Really.

Juicy bits---plant-based diet works well for me, but DAMN it's hard to find stuff they don't add milk or eggs to!  Didn't eat for most of the day the other day, so yeah... was feeling a little woozy.  Stopped by a gas station to find something to snack on.  Found a bag of chips--no, NOT the best choice but better than most--dill flavor.  DILL.  Whipped out my trusty app, "Is it Vegan?" and scanned it.  NOPE.  NOT vegan!  Whey in the ingredients.  I mean, really?  Who puts milk products on potato chips?  It wasn't ranch flavor.  It was DILL! lol  Pickles and milk.  eeeeew!

Oh well. lol  I had a good laugh and moved on.

Other health issues are hanging out there and awaiting scrutiny by specialists.

Lung nodule still needs to be evaluated.  I opted for a second opinion due to the fact that the first pulmonary doctor didn't know the difference between 1.1 mm and 1.1 cm.  HUGE difference!  So that appt will come soon.  She did express deep concerns, as did the rheumatologist, with regards to the plethora of lab values that were out of range.  Most of these were associated with the liver.  Long story, that.  I see that specialist July 20th.  The symptoms and pain is getting worse, so we'll see if I can hold out that long.

Well, I plan to post a bit more often.  Right now there is SO much I need to say.  But I just can't at the moment.  Much to be done with regards to choosing paint, lighting, etc. to finish the front bath.  And there's the kitchen to be dealt with.

Till tomorrow....

My other blogs --alter egos.

In case you guys didn't know--I am making a better effort to post more relevant content on my other blogs.  Meaning, on Boo's Juicy Bits... that's more in-tune with what it was created for--health, weight loss, anything relevant to health, and.. it may or may not get racy at times (just as a heads-up).  All Things Ephemeral.. can be more reflective, or maybe a literal 'alter ego' to this blog.  Either way, I've been lazy in the past because it was made known to me that no one wanted me to delete any of my blogs (3).  So, I was making it easy on myself by just mostly copying and pasting from one to the other.

No more.

I'm stepping up and making a decision to try and keep things separate as possible.  So if you read just one, you may miss out on something else.  Unless I happen to mention it in another...

Can't say for sure how it will all go.  But I do find that once I've gotten one feeling or topic or what-have-you out of my system... I often don't feel like talking about it again somewhere else.  Just saying.  So... keep that in mind if you want to know everything that's going through mine. ;p

Now, THIS post WILL be posted on all three blogs.

Now... If you look in the sidebar.. you will find the links to my alter-egos should you dare to read.  As my sleep improves... there is honestly no telling what I may talk about.  Keep your curiosity in check,  or not. lol  Read at your own risk. ;)

*smooches*

The disingenuous scale

Well, as far as 'weight' goes, the scale does this ridiculous up and down thing, hovering on digital insanity.  Appearances can be deceiving, so I'm not worrying about it, but it is really is nice when you can SEE and measure progress in numbers when it comes to this whole fat loss thing.  Damn scale, how I loathe thee.

But then, my appetite still hovers in the deep abyss that even I can't reach or understand.  Although, I have experienced a slight twinge of hunger a couple of times lately.  Maybe that's a small start of something more 'normal' in terms of...well, of whatever.

Yesterday was a total bust though, as I wasn't able to take in more than about 700 calories.  Yeah.  I know.  Dangerously low.  But many days I fight to get in 1300 to 1500 on average, and I have to get that in at one meal.  Low carbing means I can load up on the healthy fats and raise the calories enough to sustain life.  ha ha.  That really was supposed to be humorous.  But without a good appetite, getting enough to eat is a struggle, and it is as hard to lose fat NOT eating enough as it is when you're eating too much.

The good news is that I'm finally OFF the protonix!  THANK GOD!  Took popping carafate and going through discomfort, but I'm off.  I'm on another class of OTC medication for reflux as a bridge until things settle, then I can wean myself off of that.  But so far so good!  And one of the side effects, or lack thereof, of getting off of the PPI is that I can sleep better again!  I knew getting off that crap would be a good move.  :D

Well, I have about 21% power left to do some research for the rest of the master bath restoration.  And I mean, this is a full-on restoration.  The whole bathroom is being gutted and replaced.  :)  So I'm off to do that....

Laters!

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.

Weight loss, good. Thriving, not so good.

Low-Carbing seems to really be hitting the sweet spot as far as weight loss, and there is still much to be done as far as tweaking things a bit so that my energy level rises enough to feel more like a human being.  I can live with that for now.  But I'm thinking it's all the other debris that I need to clear away that will fuel the fire of vitality.  Not sure how to do that just yet, but I'm working on it.

I mean, finding answers to complex issues isn't always the easiest thing in the world, but I can keep at it till I drop, that's for sure.  IF I don't have constant interruptions making things even more difficult than they are.  THAT is another talk show (DAMN but I need breathing room!).  Even so, I can't just rollover and give up, so it just may mean breaking out the big guns to keep on going.  Fine.

There are so many things I miss about having my own space, and that will be somewhat rectified soon, but I'm making a list of things that have to be dealt with, things that MUST be dealt with in order for me to thrive, live.  LIVE.  This has to be done.  PERIOD.  There is no more putting this off.

List of things that have to be rectified.  A list of goals.  Let's just say... there are going to be a few lists.

I've pulled the cord, gotten off the train, and I'm standing on my own two feet, even if I'm working on my energy level.

It's done-deal.

Done.

That's an awful long track with a lot of possibilities....