Recycling the old year anyway

New year, new beginnings... something people talk about when it's time for the calendar to change to the next page.  Why do people set themselves up like that?  Whatever drives you, I guess.  As for me, I've stopped prescribing to new year's resolutions and promises that I'm not 100% sure I can keep.  I mean, once you've let yourself down it's not the easiest thing getting past the ole "Dammit, I failed" self-talk.  Even if we don't say it out loud or think it consciously, it still rattles about inside for a bit.

No resolutions for me, thank you.  I'm going to do a life resolution and give myself permission to not reach that goal in any particular amount of time or in any particular fashion.

So I will now focus on simply recycling the last year into the next and giving it new purpose, a new chance.  Why not?  Why wouldn't I give myself that gift?  It costs exactly nothing and has a higher chance of actually being successful.  Think about it.  Giving yourself a do-over IS possible.

Reach for it.  If you grasp air, reach again.  Keep at it, because contrary to what some will tell you life is a damn process, not a static decision we make each day.  We're alive.  Period.  Get it?  We. Are. Alive.  It's already done for you, and all you have to do is participate.

Get it?

Talking Out of Turn

Let's just take a moment and think about what makes us who we are, all of the intricate cracks, splinters, pieces of who we were, barely recognizable, all just a scattered mess unless we take time, real time, to put it all together again.  And it's never ever nice and neat or like it was before, is it?  No, we mostly just end up a glorious and colorful mosaic of experiences and dreams all glued together haphazardly by a frantic and shaking hand.  The end result is still beautiful, and yet still leaving beauty to the eye of the beholder.

Regret can't be a part of this process if you want to come out on the other side a victor of your own war.  And yes, it's definitely war.  Some of you know what I'm talking about here.  It's a lot like walking into the light after extreme darkness.. only to find out you've just stepped out of the place that offered little risk.

As this ever-evolving work of art that all of us are shifts, we make adjustments in order to re-fit and replace ourselves within the environment we're most used to.  Change does that, you know, makes it so there's just enough discomfort to force us to wiggle a bit inside the cocoon.  And good for you if you DO change, because I'm telling you that if you don't... you'll live in that discomfort until you do.  There simply aren't any other choices.

"I am still the same!"  Pretty much, this is the truth, yes.  I'm still the same person I've been my whole life, it's just all the pieces that make me who I am are rearranged a little differently now.  In essence, this means I'm still the same but having to learn how to fit into my environment again; and this never stops.  Go with it, learn, be malleable to life's shifting scenery.  It's what needs doing.

I'm doing just that.  Why?  (see above).

The shifting scenery of late has been more like an earthquake; the pieces are still falling.  What do I do?  How do I adapt?  Hell if I know.  I just have to adapt.

No one asks 'where' I am in my life, what I want to do, where I'm going, where I want to be or how I'll get there.  No one asks.  And if I offer, unsolicited, I find myself basically talking out of turn, because the story is always about someone else.  Mostly, I'm okay with that.

If I don't speak, don't talk about this, I'm really just standing in a wasteland of a static environment that holds no actual future for me, not to mention I'm basically waiting for the debris to fall and crush me right where I stand.

Fuck that.

.....Does this many ANY sense to ANYONE at all?

Or am I still talking out of turn?

Heart cath results---plumbing is fine

All's well with the plumbing.  Electrical was address last year.  As far as other functionality, I still need to address the diastolic dysfunction, and of course... keep an eye on the MVP w/regurgitation, the valve issues, etc.  Just a watch and wait thing. :)

As an aside, I discovered something interesting yesterday that somewhat surprised me.  Xanax rocks.  rofl.  Never had the stuff before, but they give you one w/Benedryl as pre-meds prior to the cath procedure.  That didn't happen the first time I had a cath, so... I had no idea what the big deal was about people liking Xanax.  Basically, for anyone who doesn't know, it breaks your give-a-shitter.  lol ;p  Just useless information I find funny.  I'm actually quite glad they gave me that, because half of the meds they use for conscious sedation is morphine---which I'm allergic to.  And, just like the transjugular liver biopsy I had last week... I was awake!  Ugh.  And DAMN did that lidocaine hurt like a mofo when it was injected in the area surrounding my femoral artery!  GEEZ.  Not a fan of that, btw.

Just saying.

Boo's Juicy Bits....

I've strayed more than just a little from the intended purpose of this blog.  But then, maybe I didn't if I'm simply following the course of events while trying to regain my health and happiness again.  At the basis of health and vitality there is nutrition, and I STILL believe wholeheartedly that a plant-based diet is the best course, as long as you follow the rules and not get yourself into trouble with deficiencies.  I had an undiagnosed iron deficiency which made things very difficult as far as eating vegetarian.  It's okay, though, because correcting the anemia and replenishing absent iron stores takes precedence over focusing on a vegetarian diet.  What I needed the most was iron-rich foods, and HEME iron at that.  But this is really not the focus of what I'm trying to say here....

Back to the health and vitality part...

In order to have emotional/mental vitality, to be at the top of your game, to live strong, feel strong, to THRIVE... you of course need to have good health.  Seems like a conundrum, doesn't it?  It is.  And it isn't.  Though that's not to say it's easy trying to find out what came first.. the chicken or the egg.

So yes, this downward spiral of health began a few years ago, and in THAT respect I can recognize very well, in retrospect, which came first.  Emotionally I was fighting a losing battle, at odds with someone I loved immensely, and wrongly trusted with my heart AND my mind.  I made a mistake in that, sure, but the damage was done and it wreaked major havoc on my health.  I'm STILL dealing with the after-effects.  It's a process.

Choosing to work through this on another (new) blog, "This Free Spirit," is helping.  But actual healing is going to take much more than that--this I know.  Stuffing the emotions down via new age voodoo isn't going to do it, because it's STILL there... even though you've lost access to those feelings.  I promise you, this is the very LAST thing you should EVER consider to try and 'rid' yourself of damaged you've sustained to your 'self' by others, or by your own doing.  There are far too many ways to help people ESCAPE the feelings.  But again, those methods only BURY them deeply so you don't recognize what it is that you're dealing with anymore.

The ONLY way to truly heal is to FACE those demons head-on, because they really suck at being quiet or laying low.

Seriously.

Here is the part where I CHOOSE to change my focus, while still acknowledging what I'm dealing with.  Here is where I return to the intended purpose of this blog---health, eating, etc.---while still sharing life effects that remain a backdrop to such endeavors.

Life...

Narcissists Destroy Who they cannot Control

Once again, M... you need to see/hear this.  It will resonate with you... please listen carefully.  It may just change your life for the better.  Your happiness is important, and don't EVER let anyone tell you otherwise.

PART 2: Selfishness as a matter of convenience (Where's the respect??)

I'm unimpressed.  I'm completely unimpressed by T, and by the way most guys treat women.  In my particular case, the disrespect is dehumanizing, demoralizing, belittling, and disappointing beyond anything I've known.  It's not just this relationship, but in the past as well.  My choices have NOT been the greatest, and my guess it's because I'm trusting and take people at face-value.  This is NOT a good thing.  At all.

As of yesterday a new low has been established, and I'm in no position to do anything about it.  Thus is the case when dealing with control freaks who refuse to see that they're actions are completely selfish and self-serving.  DON'T VOLUNTEER to do something for someone if you're only going to use it to gain control over that person!  DAMN!  How hard is that to understand?

All my doctor's appointments are now between my doctors and T.  Why?  Because ALL appointments aren't about what's necessary, or needed, or critical, or about doing tests etc in a 'timely fashion.'  Nope.  NOW my appointments are about what's convenient for T.  It's about what he does or does not feel like doing, what works with his schedule (he's been told he needs to use a lot of his leave or lose it), and none of it has a thing to do with... me, you know, the actual patient.

Yesterday was a disaster, stressful beyond reason, frustrating in that I'm basically told I no longer have any control on when or what time I get an appointment.  *sigh*  One major symptom of late makes it dangerous for me to drive much beyond a few miles of my house.  Dizziness/vertigo doesn't exactly translate into "safe driving."  So I'm stuck for the time being, screwed beyond reason, because I have to wait for T to decide when I can see my ENT or Neurologist regarding the severe tinnitus, vertigo and dizziness that's come on over the past couple of weeks.  I sit.  And I wait.  For HIM to decide when it's a good time to see the doctor about this.

Why the F***K am I here????!!!!  Being here is unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.  It's detrimental to my health and well-being, and the inner workings of living in this house with T has destroyed my quality of life.

Now, some of you know my recent history with relationships and know what I've gone through.  I also know what you're most likely going to say to me and expect that email eventually.  It's okay.  Send it on.  Maybe I need to hear that.. 'again.' ;)  Either way, you're most likely seeing something familiar in all of what I'm writing, in which case I will say... I do too.

More later.  I promise... the flood gates are open now...

Finally.

Guys and epic failures: The humor and the hurt

A friend of mine (who now lives on the east coast) called me the other day out of the blue to share something both heartbreaking...and hilarious.  The conversation began very teary on her part, but after a good hour of talking we were both laughing, and I mean REALLY laughing.  She and I have known each other for several years now, and we have shared pretty much EVERYTHING.  Sometimes our shares were incidental, sometimes on purpose, but we really ended up knowing probably far too much about each other's private lives, which means... we're pretty damn comfortable talking about anything our hearts' desire.  Yesterday was one such day.

I will refer to my friend as R in order to keep her anonymous...

Skipping over the tearful parts (because she reads my blogs) I will say that the entire subject matter of our 3 hour+ conversation was primarily about guys and their epic failures in relationships.  Now, for the couple of guy friends who I've given my blog addresses to... you know I'm not referring to you!  Some guys are sweet, genuine, real gentleman...to say the least, but those guys are very, VERY rare, and I will tell you this---you will NOT meet those great guys online.  Sorry to burst the bubbles of those on dating sites, but... you simply won't.  Advice---save yourself the grief of even going there (online dating sites), because pretty much everyone I've ever met, with the exception of one person who met her guy on a Christian dating site (one you pay for), has found that there's mostly riffraff on there.  And ladies...seriously, it does NOT matter what they guy does for a living or how much money he has!  Just don't go there!

Okay, so R's ex (a recent event, btw) seemed to have been maintaining his profile on a popular dating site...the entire time he was with her.  God, but her story sounds just like mine with my ex!  She found out via another friend who is also on the site...when he showed up in her searches (same thing that happened to me).  So as she cried and expressed her shock, bewilderment, hurt, and anger over the phone... I remained quiet, thoughtful, and listening, because I have been where she is now, and it's one seriously ugly place to be.

I think it probably took her a good 2-30 minutes of crying and venting before she took that deep breath, sighed, and waited for me to respond.  She already knew my history, which means she knew I would understand.  And I do.  I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and I told her she had every single right to feel outraged for what was done to her by this "guy" (whom I did not ever refer to as a "man" for obvious reasons).  Then she began to gush details, ones that in the light of day and 'after the fact' are really... well, rather hilarious.

She spoke of his quirks, personality flaws, and especially about his sexual inadequacies, ones he apparently was quite proud of.  I have to wonder if all guys are clueless to the things THEY like... that simply don't work for women?  So we talked about this for a bit, about why guys sometimes do what they do in the bedroom when it only benefits them and leaves their partner... well, unsatisfied.. or turned off completely.  With the latter in mind, the real conversation began.  She spoke of how the last year of their relationship she'd gone completely bored with him, sexually, how everything he did was for himself, and how he seemed shocked and angry because she was losing interest and couldn't hide it any longer.  She spoke of conversations she had with him that, at the time, seemed SO serious...when in retrospect were completely laughable.  Hindsight, you know... lol  I've had many revelations like that myself.

I felt for her as she told me in great bloody detail how her guy had failed repeatedly to perform.  "Hours.  We would do it for hours, with his talking and moaning and going on and on and on.  I mean, he was so into his performance, into himself that I think he completely forgot I was even there!  What the hell?"  After a moment's pause and neither of us saying anything... we both started laughing.  Suddenly the unspoken part of our mutual understanding of such things became something we could laugh about.  This is a good thing.

She told me that he was attempting to perform OS on her and that after some time of his robotic performance she told him to stop...to just stop.  Wow, I have to say this one really hit home for me, because the very last time "I" enjoyed or even wanted OS this was done to me, as punishment (a subject for another day).  And when she said, "I told him that was it. I didn't want him to ever do that to me again!"  Well, we can certainly say this was an epic failure on his part.  And as R talked... I could see, like with my previous situation, that this really was the beginning of the end for her.

She spoke of issues beyond sex, the cruelty, the way he made himself scarce in her life... leaving her wide open for meeting someone else, etc.  How is it, we both wondered, that guys can be that blind to the things they do that change the way their GF's or wives feel about them?..only to go on to blame her for the relationship eroding?  It's a mystery, I'll tell ya.  A mystery.  But R and I had a lot of laughs as we talked, and she at least was able to get to a point in the conversation where she was focusing on what she REALLY wanted in a guy, a relationship, rather than the time wasted with someone who honestly didn't have her best interest in mind anyway.

"He's not going to even notice I'm gone until, during sex, he looks down and sees that I'm actually not there!" lol  I will never forget that phrase!  Hilarious.

I'd asked a guy friend of mine about 3 years ago why some men behave this way, and he said that not all guys do, then added... "A lot of guys are attracted to themselves" and added that if the woman makes HIM feel sexy then he feels attracted to her for that reason, that men can actually be turned on by their own performance in bed, rather than the women they're actually in bed with.  WOW!  I was really shocked to hear this, though I shouldn't have been given my experience.

My friend, whom I will call "C," is extremely intelligent, has a lot of guy friends, women friends, and is fairly open and blunt when he speaks.  He'd been warning me about my situation nearly the entire time as he saw things in my relationship that were, in his words, huge warning signs.  Should I have listened to him?  I don't know, because I believe that everyone that comes into our lives are there for a reason, and it's usually to teach us something.  In my case, a couple of things broke, and I mean really broke that I'm pretty sure can't ever be repaired.  The experience changed me so significantly in a couple of ways that I just don't see those parts of me ever returning to what they were prior to the relationship.

I can't really can't say here what it is that's broke so completely due to account settings.  I'm not sure if anyone 'under age' has stumbled across my blogs or not, so I have to keep some of this on the down-low.... until I change my settings back again to include a warning for adult content.  Until then, let's just suffice it to say that while I mourn the parts of me that were shattered in that relationship I do recognize the protective stance I've taken since then.  My trust in guys is severely diminished due to what I went through, and I don't allow anyone to reach that vital part of me, of who I am.  Maybe this would change if I resumed therapy, which I had to resort to after the break up so I could repair most of what was damaged.  But, I'm not exactly sure I'm ready for that, because a huge part of me likes things just as they are.

The person I'm with right now has been flourishing in the 'epic fail' department.  He knows, and he's not given any of it any real thought, time, attention, nor is he made any effort to work on things.  His bad, because I'm beyond arms-length now and am completely focused on my health and well-being, rather than him.  It was a natural course of events as my health plummeted under the onslaught of the past and the damaging effects of the now.  As controlling as the previous relationship was, this one is as controlling...but in a very different way.  Either way, control doesn't work for me, and I am going to give absolutely everything I have to regaining my health, self-esteem, and repairing my damaged self-respect.  These are the only things that matter right now.

R and I had a good conversation, and one that ended with us both laughing.  I think she's going to break free from those traumatic bonds and move forward as a strong, single woman.  She isn't up for another relationship, and I can certainly understand that on SO many levels!  For me, I refuse to be another afterthought, slave, or punching bag for any guy.  If I'm not appreciated, then I will appreciate myself first and foremost.  It's the least I can do.

The conversation with R has reminded me of things I'd left for dead in my recent past.  So be it.  I'm sure I needed reminding for some reason.  Maybe that will be my motivation to plug ahead with getting my health in check, to become stronger inside and out, and to also remind myself that the choices I've made in light of my past are mine to make and mine to keep.  What's done is done, and thought I came out on the other side of things somewhat broken, changed... it's probably for the best.

Post-Haste Nutrition

Well.  Sort of.  My first scheduled IV iron infusion is this week (Wednesday), and I'm curious to see how my body will respond to this much-needed treatment.  While so much is going on, a bigger part of me is intensely hopeful that this, and addressing other issues, will be one of the biggest turning points with my health and happiness (or lack thereof).  And trust me, if you don't have good health, having any happiness is something you have to actively seek.  I believe happiness should just 'be.'  Sounds overly simplistic and unrealistic at first, but all of us know in our heart of hearts that this is exactly the way happiness works.

Dare to dream, dare to move, dare to question absolutely everything that's going wrong; this is what I'm doing now.  Even I know that I can't rely on infusions to create happiness.  But it's a great place to start.

Clearly my approach with my health has been with the very best of intentions, and the progress of uncovering what needs correcting has been revealed to a point that I have some direction to follow, finally.  There on the horizon I can finally see the sun.  My next step... is to feel the warmth.  THAT'S when I know I'm getting there!

Another recent event was the sleep study, which revealed central sleep apnea.  Some speculation has been made that my low vitamin D (which is actually a hormone, btw) is causing a chain-reaction of health issues.  Funny thing, though, is that a simple correction of Vitamin D levels won't do the trick. So I'm also having to embark of the sleep apnea thing, and it seems as if it's all very related.  No matter, I'll just be a nice, compliant patient and follow all rules of treatment with regards to the sleep apnea, iron deficiency, and vitamin D deficiency.  As for the lung issues, heart issues, etc... well those will have to wait until my next appt with my pulmonologist and cardiologist.

My goal is to resolve the issues, get my energy back, and work like hell to get back on top of things again.

As for the f'd up relationship issues, those will be addressed by T, or I will continue to allow what comes naturally; self-preservation.

Stay tuned, because once the post-haste nutrition (IV iron infusion) is administered, and all other treatments are underway, I fully expect to find my courage to FINALLY speak bluntly here again.

It will happen.

Have you seen my alter egos?

.... I think they're playing a disturbing game of hide and seek.  Just kidding!  For the sake of clarity, for anyone new to reading the entries of this blog, my 'alter egos' is a reference to my other blogs, ones which I try to update as often as possible.  At times, I copy and paste the same entry as the first blog I began with, but I try very hard to post what's relevant to that blog.  Trust me, my blogs aren't supposed to be created equal. ;)

You can find the Alter Ego links in the menu bar on the side of the page, if you're curious and new to my blogs.  And why do I have other blogs?  Basically, they were all set apart for specific purposes; dreams and wishes, passions/life/desire/health, and the transient things that, by their very nature aren't always meant to sustain themselves in my life, or... at times... on 'the page.'  Naturally, all of the parts make up the whole, so overlapping is common and necessary sometimes.

I have to admit I've held back a lot over the past few months, whereas in the past I've pretty much unloaded here.  I won't go into why I began withholding what I really wanted to write, but the experiences took hold and held on for dear life.  It wasn't my intention for things to go that way.  But they did anyway.

My goal going forward is to find myself in a place of trust.  This will be a process, because my past being what it is, well, it's just going to take some time is all.  I'll get there.

Boo's Juicy Bits, and the Return to Focus

This blog began as a ways and means to talk, often with humor, about health, wholeness, eating, thriving, living, body/mind/soul, and sometimes to share the naughty side of me.  It's gotten WAY off-track over the past few months due to declining health.  Well, those health issues are being addressed, and treatment begins today/tonight.. and next week.  At least with regards to the issues of sleep apnea and iron deficiency anemia.

Getting back on track with posting and sharing here is going to be a major switch in some ways, as I've had to focus far too much on doctor appointments, treatments, and so forth.  But I think it's time, you know, to get back to the part of 'living.'  Doesn't mean I won't have moments where I vent about my relationship issues, dreams, passions, and the like.  It just means that I think since I'm on my way to resolutions for my health issues... it's time to focus on what's ahead.

It just makes good sense.

So what's next with diet, exercise, vibrant physical, mental/emotional health?  Well, that's just the thing.  Tonight will be the first night I use a CPAP machine, and I already know the one night I used it at the sleep center.. I felt quite different the following day, and I returned to my usual fatigued, miserable self the night after WITHOUT the CPAP.  I see much hope in that.  And with next week being the first treatment for the iron deficiency.. I'm actually getting excited about seeing things improve over the days and weeks ahead.  This is going to be a journey of my life, really.

As my focus shifts to hopeful events, positive outcomes, and anticipation for those things not yet addressed (lung and heart issues), I will also have a lot more focus here.

It's about time, isn't it?  ;)

You found a what?

Well, yesterday's appt did NOT go the way I expected.  At all.  Not.  At.  All.

So I went for my follow-up appointment with my pulmonologist yesterday, mostly to discuss chest CT and sleep study results.  The minor part is that they found 'mild sleep apnea.'  Ok.  Then he went on to discuss the lung nodule...and something else they found on the CT.

Doctor F stated that the lung nodule was slightly larger, but it also is "Very strange looking."  He went on to explain that there is a "Tubule" attached to the nodule that the radiologist says "May" be due to an impacted/clogged something-or-other-that-I-can't-rember due to my inability to sleep work a f*ck!  Sorry for the potty mouth, but it's true.  Anyway, the nodule is odd and he said he has to "Think about it a bit..." and may possibly do another CT scan, only with contrast this time.  He's not sure, because he doesn't know what to make of the findings.

Then he said there is another nodule... 1.9 x .5 cm... in my breast.  Well K den.

Next week I have to have another mammogram, and they're insisting they MUST have the last one that I had first, the imaging.  I'm a little spooked by this.  No one is telling me the characteristics of the nodule, and now I understand why the imaging center flat refused to give me a copy of the report... that was finished the day after my CT.  Normally.. I have no issues getting copies of lab or imaging reports.

I also have to see a hematologist (possibly) for the anemia, because the colonoscopy and EGD did NOT show any causes of the anemia.  I will start Rx iron pills today or tomorrow, though.  Hoping I can tolerate those.

Now the big, fat, giant wait.  Again.  Seriously?

I'm nervous about the mammogram, obviously, but the worst part is T's attitude.  He is just mostly put out because I wanted him to give me a ride there, to be with me while I have this screening.  He basically complained, meaning it was an inconvenience.  I simply told him, never mind... I will take myself!  I certainly don't need some whining, self-absorbed, watch-checking complainer coming with me on THE SCARIEST and most stressful test to-date.  Mr. Indifference needs to keep his distance, because what I need right now is far from whining, complaining, etc.

Yes.  It's time to be a little pissed about this.  And I am.

Dammit!!

So what of the heart, home, a place where my soul can feel uplifted, rejuvenated, allowed to grow and breathe and soar?  Dunno.  Still waiting on that one, I guess.  Dealing with the anemia is a start.  PC doc is referring me to a hematologist to see what the cause is.

Dammit again!

*sigh*

The Spaces Between the Seconds

Seems a common theme, doesn't it?  That most of my entries are about being lost, confused, and simply just not knowing where the hell I am or even WHO I am sometimes.  I've been here before, having lost myself completely in another situation.  And there is really nothing at all good about being in this place at all.  No.  Not at all.  But it's a lot like being in quicksand--knowing if you move at all in any direction you're going to sink even faster.  Crap.  Crap.  Crap.

I don't mind being lost as long as it's beautiful where I am.

For a moment, if I could just lose myself to something bigger, magnificent, taken to a place that feeds my soul.  Life is just too short to settle for mediocrity, and yet that's exactly what I've done.  And I really don't think at all that it has anything to do with being led, blindly, into the abyss, but rather than I've forged ahead on my own while my eyes were closed, shut tight against what might be.

The mundane features of every day life are what we exist in, right?  I mean, we can't avoid it for the most part...unless we're filthy rich.  We do our own laundry, wash our own dishes, clean the house, the dog, and so forth...

But it's what happens between the seconds that count the most.

That's where I lose myself, in those places between the seconds.  It's not easy finding my way in there right now.  I truly believe, though, that the happiest people are the ones who live in those tiny moments, because it what connects everything else.  Every.  Thing.  Else.

So what do those seconds mean to me?  What are they?  They're different for everyone, but for me personally they're little sparks of time that shine brighter and warmer than the sun, yet are as calming as they are invigorating when you submerge yourself in them....

Since moving here a year and a half ago I've lost every one of those seconds.  Prior to that...I was fairly good at finding the little sparks and allowing them to ignite what flows through me---my wants, dreams, wishes, illuminating all that inspires awe.  Those were what fed the creative side.

Now, when I reach for life in those potent places I'm yanked back into the more stagnant parts of life. I don't thrive there.  I don't think anyone does.  But when you're with someone who ONLY lives in that inert place... it can drag you down like an anchor.  And no, I'm not speaking of being anchored as in grounded.  I'm talking purely of something that takes you under the water and drowns every vibrant part of your being.

That's where I am when I'm lost.

Like now.

Drowning.

What comes naturally to me is to exist in beauty, surrounding myself and shaping my environment so that it resonates with what's inside of me.  I think this is what everyone does, even if they're not aware of it.  But it's something I need to do to be healthy!  No amount of explaining to T has made him understand, nor has it inspired him to take the initiative to FIND understanding.  He doesn't understand me.  At all.  And, sadly, he's chosen to be an anchor in my life that's keeping me from seeing the sun... or breathing.

The only way I can survive is to pull away and do what I have to do, risking his disapproval, ire, or whatever.  But you know what?  I've done things his way for some time now, and it's killing me..slowly but surely.  Not just who and what I am inside, but they physical body as well.  The way I will choose to live my life from here forward is to save my life.  I have to.

My needs aren't being met on any level.  As a human being I feel shackled.  As a women I feel dissected.  What I need to do NOW is change my feelings and life.  Period.

I don't recognize my surroundings or myself.  My bad health is making things far worse, too, and.. well, I'm working on that.  Those chains are what they are, but they will be shed far faster than the ones inside my soul.

I can't breathe.

It's just time is all.  I will change my own environment because I have to.  My spirit longs deeply and wholly to explore beautiful places, to see what I've not seen, to submerge each and every sense I have into being alive!  I need travel.  I need to experience something else.

I need my life back.  Again.  So I'm taking it back and making my own experiences based on what I need.  The time has come to actually live my life and feel complete, whole, invigorated....

PART 1: While I was looking the other way.

After focusing on the liver issues and anemia and how to resolve them, I didn't take into account that anything else could be causing or contributing to my symptoms.  After my ablations last year for AFib, Atrial Flutter, and Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT), I figured that was going to be pretty much it for heart issues.  I've had Mitral Valve Prolapse since I was a kid, and yes... that valve began to leak and is at the mild-moderate stage at this time.  I'm supposed to get a yearly ultrasound to keep an eye on things, and up till this past week it was just something I had to do.  I'm about 6 months late on this past one because the clinic I usually go to has lost 3 doctors to career move or changes, and this means my appointment got pushed months out due to the shortage of doctors.  I didn't really think much of it and decided to see if I could get my yearly ultrasound done when I went to see my EP about getting the Watchman Device implanted in my heart... at his suggestion.  I won't discuss that particular device right now because I've previously posted about it.  And I've yet to see if I can even have the procedure done in lieu of recent ultrasound findings.

Saturday (22nd) I received the ultrasound report in the mail.  I certainly didn't expect to see what was on the sheet, to tell you the truth.

I know the MVP can get worse in some people, and mine is slowly getting worse.  I also know that during my last two ultrasounds I discovered that my aortic valve was also leaking.  Well, it is what it is, and this is why I get a yearly ultrasound.

So I'm home alone and looking over the report that arrived in the mail on Saturday, and I see several things listed that surprised me...and I've listed the highlights below.  I will get to what it all means in a moment...

Left Ventricle
Diastolic filling demonstrates a pseudonormal pattern (new).

Left Atrium
Left Atrium Chamber is mildly dilated (new).

Right Atrium
Right Atrium Chamber is mildly dilated (new).

Aortic Valve
The Aortic Valve is mildly calcified.  There is mild aortic regurgitation (I already knew about this).

Mitral Valve
The Mitral Valve leaflet is mildly thickened.  There is mild-moderate mitral regurgitation (knew about this as well, with the exception of the valve now being thickened).

Tricuspid Valve
Trace tricuspid regurgitation (new).

Pulmonary Valve
There is trivial pulmonic regurgitation (new.  "Trivial" refers to the amount, but there is nothing trivial about this).

Diagnosis

Grade II/IV diastolic dysfunction.  This is heart failure.

Okay, so... there it is.  Now what?  Basically, Grade I is pretty much reversible and doesn't require treatment.  Grades II, on the other hand, requires treatment in hopes it won't progress quickly.  I have to wait to find out WHAT that treatment will be.  For some, this occurred due to high BP, but for me.. it was most likely a combination of years of having SVT, MVP, and then Afib and atrial flutter.  It's not like they can treat my HBP because I don't have that.  I may still end up on a beta blocker (hate those) to slow my HR down so it fills properly and doesn't regurgitate back into my lungs.

So yeah, there were a few new things that I learned about from this last ultrasound, none of them good.  Grade II is usually symptomatic, and I now wonder how much of the awful symptoms I've had are due to DD and not anemia or liver issues.  Something interesting that I've discovered, however, is that at night the pressure can cause RUQ pain in the liver.

Well, what do I do with this information?  Simply put, I need to get my shit together.  Exercise (with Dr's approval) is necessary, diet changes (low-fat and low-sodium), etc.  The usual.  My question is--- how the hell do I exercise when I now deal with exercise intolerance?  I guess I will have to find out.

I've been in a sort of daze since I received the news, and while I'm not really 'scared,' parts of me think I should be, because fear is often motivating in these circumstances.  Still, I'm not sure how I feel about this.  And as for T... he's indifferent, doesn't talk about it, and goes through his entire day as if I told him I stubbed my toe.  And it's not the 'I'm going to think positive' type of indifference, either.  He really has this reaction to just about everything, unless it's about him specifically.  This has been an ongoing problem of late, and it's now become more critical than ever to figure out what it all means to me.  Doesn't really matter what his indifference means to him, because he just claims he's not.  Denial isn't a river in Egypt.

So the question remains... how do I feel about this?  The answer is.. I really don't know.

It's not easy to sort through something like this without talking about it.  But who do I talk to?  No clue.  No clue at all.

To tell all, or not to tell all---that is the question

Or is it?

I've been trying to bring myself to a place where I can unload, completely unload here on my blogs.  Not just this one, but all of them.  I get so close sometimes, and yet I seem to pull back once my fingers hit the keyboard.  What the hell am I so afraid of?

I created my blogs to have a place to talk about things, to sometimes vent, to sometimes ponder, to just.. talk.  And yet I find myself skirting around the facts and splashing vague hints on the page instead of just telling it like it is.  What will be the catalyst... the one thing that will have to happen in order for me to 'get there'?

My blogs were created for the very purpose of writing my thoughts and experiences, hopes, dreams, wishes, dislikes, or what-the-hell-ever.  So why aren't I doing that?  Why do I hold back?  This is the dilemma, isn't it?  Not being able to speak my mind?  And WTH is that really about anyway?

I often wake up on the morning with SO freaking much to say!  I go to bed at night with the intense need to get stuff out of my head and out in the open so I can see and deal with it.  But do I DO that?...put it all out there?  Hell no, I don't.  And there's just so much to say, to tell, to unload.

This particular blog was created specifically to write about health issues, diet, and... to allow my flirty side come out and play.  Oh, it may seem odd at first, the idea of those topics coming together in one place.  But if you think about it, it actually makes perfect sense.  So... why have I failed so miserably here?  Well, I wouldn't call it a 'failure,' exactly.  But I haven't succeeded in really letting go and telling whatever, which was my intention.

And trust me, there are lots of juicy bits to tell.

Perhaps I need to make it a goal, a REAL goal.  You know, finding a way to open up completely and talk about whatever the hell I want.. without remorse or looking back.  Apparently I'm a total wuss these days, and I really need to fix that, like, asap!

Okay, self... we're going to work on that.

But I do wonder...  Is anyone REALLY ready for me to do that?

When a post sits in draft for over 2 years

8/6/2013 I wrote an entry I never published.  It sits even now in 'draft' while I refuse to make it go away once and for all.  I'm not sure what to make of it, and I'm definitely not sure what to say about it.  I only know that from time to time I read it to make sure, perhaps, that I don't forget.

What the hell
does that
even
mean?

My other blogs --alter egos.

In case you guys didn't know--I am making a better effort to post more relevant content on my other blogs.  Meaning, on Boo's Juicy Bits... that's more in-tune with what it was created for--health, weight loss, anything relevant to health, and.. it may or may not get racy at times (just as a heads-up).  All Things Ephemeral.. can be more reflective, or maybe a literal 'alter ego' to this blog.  Either way, I've been lazy in the past because it was made known to me that no one wanted me to delete any of my blogs (3).  So, I was making it easy on myself by just mostly copying and pasting from one to the other.

No more.

I'm stepping up and making a decision to try and keep things separate as possible.  So if you read just one, you may miss out on something else.  Unless I happen to mention it in another...

Can't say for sure how it will all go.  But I do find that once I've gotten one feeling or topic or what-have-you out of my system... I often don't feel like talking about it again somewhere else.  Just saying.  So... keep that in mind if you want to know everything that's going through mine. ;p

Now, THIS post WILL be posted on all three blogs.

Now... If you look in the sidebar.. you will find the links to my alter-egos should you dare to read.  As my sleep improves... there is honestly no telling what I may talk about.  Keep your curiosity in check,  or not. lol  Read at your own risk. ;)

*smooches*

Weight loss, good. Thriving, not so good.

Low-Carbing seems to really be hitting the sweet spot as far as weight loss, and there is still much to be done as far as tweaking things a bit so that my energy level rises enough to feel more like a human being.  I can live with that for now.  But I'm thinking it's all the other debris that I need to clear away that will fuel the fire of vitality.  Not sure how to do that just yet, but I'm working on it.

I mean, finding answers to complex issues isn't always the easiest thing in the world, but I can keep at it till I drop, that's for sure.  IF I don't have constant interruptions making things even more difficult than they are.  THAT is another talk show (DAMN but I need breathing room!).  Even so, I can't just rollover and give up, so it just may mean breaking out the big guns to keep on going.  Fine.

There are so many things I miss about having my own space, and that will be somewhat rectified soon, but I'm making a list of things that have to be dealt with, things that MUST be dealt with in order for me to thrive, live.  LIVE.  This has to be done.  PERIOD.  There is no more putting this off.

List of things that have to be rectified.  A list of goals.  Let's just say... there are going to be a few lists.

I've pulled the cord, gotten off the train, and I'm standing on my own two feet, even if I'm working on my energy level.

It's done-deal.

Done.

That's an awful long track with a lot of possibilities....