Pushing for healing.

Shoulder still isn't well enough recovered for me to type much, so I've done another video in the meantime.  Heads up: I'll be doing more on diet, nutrition, etc soon.

Thanks for listening. :)

Post-Surgery Pain and the Damaging Effects of Indifference.

This is difficult.  Post-surgery for frozen shoulder and minor rotator cuff tear and I'm feeling like hell.    It will take a long time to recover and regain full use of my left arm, and dammit but it hurts to type.  I almost decided to do an audio blog but not enough privacy the last couple of days to do that.  So I'll make this just a quick check-in.

I'm not sleeping, mostly getting up several times a night to move my arm, elbow... to alleviate what pain I can.  This is often a tearful process.  I don't know when the big crash will come, but it will.  A human being simply can't withstand not sleeping like this.  On Wednesday, then on Saturday... things will change and hopefully for the better.

Sleeping on my side after this kind of surgery isn't the best idea, and it creates a world of pain, swelling to an unhealthy level in my arm.  This became the catalyst for ordering one of those Tempur Pedic beds.  NOT the cheapest thing in the world, but a very necessary one at this point as the healing process is going to take a long time.  So be it.  It's adjustable so I can support the back of my legs and have the back of the bed upright to manage sleeping without being on my side.  Saturday, a Laz-boy chair will arrive, and mostly for the same purpose.  As it stands now my options are to sit straight/upright or lay in a flat bed.  Both options mean pain and swelling.  But hey, those recliners are awesome and it's not like it won't be fully enjoyed way beyond the shoulder healing.

I suppose at this point I'm just rambling, but everything I am is consumed with the pain and trying to work past it without taking the powerful pain killers I was given.  The side effects sucks, and that means I'm making damn sure to take them sparingly.  But either way, my point is basically that I'll be dealing with this for a while and probably not making a lot of sense when I post.

There most likely won't be daily entries for a while, but I will try my best.

Post-surgery with all it's unbelievable pain has opened up a part of me that I really would rather leave closed, shut away, and ignored.  That echo chamber of the past and present merging in unsettling ways rumbles below the surface, always, making itself known at the darkest of hours and experiences.  I find myself unsettled---not just my circumstances or thoughts.  In the wee hours, especially when awakened by the almost ceaseless pain, true anxiety sets in and grips me.  Most of the time I can overcome it and get past it's frightening messages.  But then there are times when it takes hold and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and needing a strong, positive presence to jerk me back into a brighter reality.  Things is... I have no such strong, positive presence.  Yeah.
What to do with that.

As you guys know, indifference has been my companion.  T's indifference rears it's true self amidst the pain that really feels as if it's going to rip me apart.  You see, the first part of knowing how to squash pain naturally is to avoid stress at all costs, because stress destroy's the body's own ability to send much-needed pain killers to it's needed location.  Over time, especially in the presence of AI disease and fibromyalgia.... the breakdown of this mechanism is swift and brutal, leaving me without any natural defenses.  This sucks.

I've been brought to tears by the sheer intensity and duration of this pain, and the fibro is in a massive flare-up now, adding wide-spread, diffuse pain to that of the post-surgical.  While it's nothing to brag about, I will admit that I've been brought to my knees by the force of it all, crying so hard I felt as if my head would explode.  Late at night, when it's at its worst T will simply get up, stand there... and say nothing, do nothing, offer nothing.  I've had to tell him it's best he stay away rather than bring that indifference to the already miserable situation.

It is times like this that I long for "home," whatever and wherever that is.  No one to reach out to, to plead to, or talk to.  Not a parent, sibling, or best friend.  No one.  It's only when either by exhaustion or prescription intervention does the pain lessen a little, just enough for my mind to bring forth an image of a healthy, happy, joyful, fulfilled and pain-free me.  When I fall asleep... it sometimes carries me into dreaming, those thoughts.

My arm is in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm going to sign off.  I hope that each day with willpower and physical therapy.. and even the weaker moments when I allow myself the prescription help to relieve the pain... maybe I'll get stronger, better.  I have 3 days of PT this coming week... and I pray it's the start to real recovery.

I need this pain to stop.  I really do.

Hopefully I can post tomorrow.

PS... I was amazed at how many page views Where Fireflies Dream received.... gave me a smile.

When I'm without my voice, music...

When I'm without my voice, music...

Oh but will you?

Undeniably, the mind, the spirit, and the body are ALL interconnected.  And if that sounds like a 'duh' statement, that's because it is.  Yet it still needs to be said for the sake of clarity, for me to point out the obvious that even I can see.  In such a chaotic and jumbled mess, being that of any relationship, the power this has over one's actual physical well-being is also undeniable, and yet sometimes I often look the other way and ignore the connections when I can't do anything about them at the time.  A little on the destructive side when you think about it, right?  Yet.. I'm human and prone to very human faults and so on.

Well okay, so do something about it, right?

Easier said than done.  Not impossible.  Just not easy.

My reaction to stress, anxiety, tension, etc. is just as human as it gets.  Some days are better than others, and most days I just go with it and trust that there's a reason I'm reacting to my circumstances in ways that aren't always best for me.  For the good of the better, the other person, the situation, and in complete line with seeking harmony I allow DISharmony to enter into my own personal space.  That's the cost, that's the price I pay, for wanting someone else to have the peace I rarely have myself.

And the echoes of impending broken promises do little to serve me.

Trust is a funny thing.  I trust the appearance of honesty and am often disappointed.  No wonder since I don't do much in the way of trying to understand if what I think I'm hearing or seeing is genuine.  I've done this in the past, extended trust where I shouldn't have.  But don't we all do this?  Either way, you'd think I'd learn, right?

I have learned in some ways but choose to allow that unrelenting romantic in me to believe that, like magic, all will be well and shining and happy and new.  Silly.  Absolutely silly.  Yet there it is in my current and past history.  Can one really polish a relationship like a silver spoon?  Maybe, but like that alluring and fickle metal... it will tarnish again if not tended to.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life polishing shit.  I mean, does that even make any sense?  No, it doesn't.  So why do I continue to do this?  Because I'm unhappy.  That's why.  Not that this is a permanent state, mind you, because all of us have the power to change our circumstances and reaction to them.  I keep telling myself that I can and will, and that little voice inside continues to ask... "Oh but will you?"

*shrugs*

As long as I don't give up, as long as I'm absolutely clear on what it is I need to be happy, healthy, and thrive... I'm not entirely lost to regaining the control I need in my life to make it different, better, mine.  I don't want to live someone else's life.  Do you?  Does anyone really?

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

To speak in uncertain terms

I literally just wrote several paragraphs before deleting every one of them.  It's my state of mind at the moment, I suppose, really feeling like I need to talk about so much but finding the words impossible to convey what's needed.  Speaking my mind these days isn't always easy, and trying to speak my mind in uncertain terms usually ends up being the case.  Where did the girl go who could quite easily let it all flow out onto the page, or screen as it were?  Dammit.

Where is my voice?  Have I simply worn myself out by expressing what I feel and need?  Is there some cutoff inside that totally prohibits discussion on a matter that's been beaten to death with no resolution from the other side?  Where the hell is my voice?!

Too much going on.  Too much unresolved issues.  Too much indifference.  Too much passive-aggressive controlling from T.  Too many unspoken and unreasonable demands put upon me.  At some point a person under "Too much" gives in, gives up, or gives out; I tend to vacillate between all three.

When I speak, to whom do I speak?  That's a rhetorical question, btw.  I need to talk about what's going on with my health, my lack of any quality of life, my concerns, my needs, my life.  And yet, here I am pouring out what I need to talk about online, rather than talking about what I need.  Geez.  I'm starting to not make much sense, but I'm sure a few of you get where I'm coming from.  It's a familiar place to many, though probably not to all.  This place, this unhealthy place where I am right now, is actually making it more difficult to speak my mind.

Have I developed so much mistrust in people that I can't bring myself to actually say what I need to say?  This has been an ongoing theme in my life (and here) for quite some time now, and where I was once able to pour out my heart and soul and mind freely, it just seems as if every part of me that should be free is tightly shackled, gagged, and sedated by defeat.  That's not a good thing.

Once upon a time I would pour out my soul here.  Those of you who've been reading my blogs know exactly what I'm talking about.  Wether I was raging, hopeful, dreaming, wishful, happy, sad, surprised, or any other number of feelings... I was able to convey everything clearly right here, even if I weren't speaking to anyone else face-to-face.  So what's happened?

I know the answer already, though it's really difficult to say 'out loud.'  But as a first step to getting over this wall, or breaking it down, I can honestly say that I am a product of my recent history, and by 'recent' I mean over the last few years.

After being raged at and punished for speaking my mind the wall was built.  I really didn't know it was happening on all levels, but deep inside I knew, and I let it happen.  Frankly, it was absolutely necessary when it was happening.  The wall went up to protect myself, and now I can't seem to break it down again.

So, how does one get past this?  *shrugs*  Beats me.  But it needs to be done.  HAS to be done.

*sigh*

PART I: Deciphering Indifference: Don't waste my time

It's a chronic problem with T.  It's a chronic problem with a lot of people in this world and is more evident now than ever.  People have allowed a destructive numbness to creep into the very fabric of who and what they are.  The consequences of embracing indifference is that it becomes a part of you, defining you, and ultimately destroying everything with its insidious whisperings inside your mind and heart.  It's a comfortably destructive habit that will take everything about you and make it its own.  It walks softly into one's life as a comforting buffer against anything and everything that makes you... FEEL.  And in the throes of its seductive and blinding embrace... you can be ultimately lost forever.

Indifference is like the sting of a mosquito; with just the smallest amount of anesthetic you won't feel the effects until it's too late.

When blind indifference takes hold of a person it's usually a selective process that often singles out just one, at first unwitting, individual.  Damage is done to both sides, but the effects of the one staring into the face of indifference are far greater in intensity and much longer-lasting.  Honestly, as much as we humans try to distance ourselves from the hurtful effects we too often fail at removing ourselves effectively.  That doesn't mean we don't on some level understand what's happening, and usually several attempts are made to make the other aware of what they're doing.  But true to indifference's nature our words, actions, they all fall on completely deaf ears.

I've been through two relationships of indifference, and both times I ended up not caring a flip about that person in the end.

Over the last few years I've come to see indifference from new angles, and I no longer believe that I'm the one who has the responsibility to fix what's happening.  On the contrary.  I wasn't put on planet earth to fix anyone, except myself.  If indifference is really all that person has to offer, they have absolutely nothing to offer.  At least not to me.

While I've focused yet again on 'the thing' that I want to talk about, I haven't actually shared where I am in this whole thing.

Where I am in all of this and why talking about it matters...

In context, indifference matters a great deal when it comes to me and my life, my emotional and physical health.  It directly affects how I go about the course of my life, the details of who I am and what I want and need are blurred beneath the sharp blades that attempt to obliterate all in its path.

Case in point: Following the first IV iron infusion for anemia there were symptoms that I couldn't pin-point, ones that usually put someone on alert.  With my heart and lung issues, having severe breathlessness and chest pressure is one of those things you simply shouldn't ignore, no matter who you are.  A smart person would at least mention it to whoever they're living with, or call someone to let them know what's going on... to be on the safe side.  Though, I have to add that it's a good idea to call someone who actually cares, because the alternative could be deadly.

Roughly about a day and a half after my IV infusion I had an 'event' that evening that startled me.  I had just gotten into bed and found the usual breathlessness that I experience every night (heart issues), but instead of easing a little.. it actually intensified... a LOT.  I found myself feeling as if an elephant was sitting on my chest, and I was gasping for air.  Literally gasping for air.  This went on for about 10 minutes or so until I became so fatigued by it all that I actually fell asleep.  But before I fell asleep I alerted T to what was going on.  He was actually standing near my side of the bed and wide awake, and when I told him what I was feeling, while gasping for air between words, he..said.. absolutely nothing.  Nothing at all.  He went around the other side of the bed and laid down in silence while I continued to gasp for air.

I propped myself up on my side on one elbow, still unable to breathe correctly, still gasping for air and trying to slow down my breathing.. thinking it may help.  I'm not prone to panic attacks and felt no panic at all while this was going on, hence my not insisting I go to the ER.  Was it concerning?  Of course it was!  But I believed it would pass.  And it did.. after I fell asleep.  I was exhausted by the experience.  Utterly exhausted.

The next day T went to work as usual and didn't mentioned what happened the night before.  What this left me with, like several other 'acts of indifference,' was a deep-seated mistrust, and it went so deep to the bone that I cannot shake it no matter what.  But in reality, I don't WANT to shake this mistrust because it's necessary.  This isn't the first time or first issue that's come along to instill a strong self-protectiveness.

T, I have found, doesn't really care much for anything any further than about 6 inches outside his own skin.  He's aware of it, I've tried to talk to him about it, strongly suggested he "Pick something and practice giving a shit," and all for nothing but wasted breath and wasted time.  I don't have any inclination to continue wasting energy and time on someone who's not willing to give a damn.

Whenever something of vital importance arises, T is "absent."  He's not plugged in.  He's not at all invested.  And this is why I grow increasingly weary of involving him in anything important that's going on with me, my health, and so on.  He's basically now on the outside, and he's even indifferent to that.. until he feels it's going to affect him personally in some way.  *sigh*

There will be a PART II to this, because it's a huge huge issue for me, and one that is helping to destroy my health.  It's about time I talk about it ALL, and it's just too much for a single entry.

I'm exhausted.  Deciphering indifference is a huge energy-suck, and I just don't have any energy to spare.  If you don't FEEL anything---don't waste my time!

Have you seen my alter egos?

.... I think they're playing a disturbing game of hide and seek.  Just kidding!  For the sake of clarity, for anyone new to reading the entries of this blog, my 'alter egos' is a reference to my other blogs, ones which I try to update as often as possible.  At times, I copy and paste the same entry as the first blog I began with, but I try very hard to post what's relevant to that blog.  Trust me, my blogs aren't supposed to be created equal. ;)

You can find the Alter Ego links in the menu bar on the side of the page, if you're curious and new to my blogs.  And why do I have other blogs?  Basically, they were all set apart for specific purposes; dreams and wishes, passions/life/desire/health, and the transient things that, by their very nature aren't always meant to sustain themselves in my life, or... at times... on 'the page.'  Naturally, all of the parts make up the whole, so overlapping is common and necessary sometimes.

I have to admit I've held back a lot over the past few months, whereas in the past I've pretty much unloaded here.  I won't go into why I began withholding what I really wanted to write, but the experiences took hold and held on for dear life.  It wasn't my intention for things to go that way.  But they did anyway.

My goal going forward is to find myself in a place of trust.  This will be a process, because my past being what it is, well, it's just going to take some time is all.  I'll get there.

PART 1: While I was looking the other way.

After focusing on the liver issues and anemia and how to resolve them, I didn't take into account that anything else could be causing or contributing to my symptoms.  After my ablations last year for AFib, Atrial Flutter, and Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT), I figured that was going to be pretty much it for heart issues.  I've had Mitral Valve Prolapse since I was a kid, and yes... that valve began to leak and is at the mild-moderate stage at this time.  I'm supposed to get a yearly ultrasound to keep an eye on things, and up till this past week it was just something I had to do.  I'm about 6 months late on this past one because the clinic I usually go to has lost 3 doctors to career move or changes, and this means my appointment got pushed months out due to the shortage of doctors.  I didn't really think much of it and decided to see if I could get my yearly ultrasound done when I went to see my EP about getting the Watchman Device implanted in my heart... at his suggestion.  I won't discuss that particular device right now because I've previously posted about it.  And I've yet to see if I can even have the procedure done in lieu of recent ultrasound findings.

Saturday (22nd) I received the ultrasound report in the mail.  I certainly didn't expect to see what was on the sheet, to tell you the truth.

I know the MVP can get worse in some people, and mine is slowly getting worse.  I also know that during my last two ultrasounds I discovered that my aortic valve was also leaking.  Well, it is what it is, and this is why I get a yearly ultrasound.

So I'm home alone and looking over the report that arrived in the mail on Saturday, and I see several things listed that surprised me...and I've listed the highlights below.  I will get to what it all means in a moment...

Left Ventricle
Diastolic filling demonstrates a pseudonormal pattern (new).

Left Atrium
Left Atrium Chamber is mildly dilated (new).

Right Atrium
Right Atrium Chamber is mildly dilated (new).

Aortic Valve
The Aortic Valve is mildly calcified.  There is mild aortic regurgitation (I already knew about this).

Mitral Valve
The Mitral Valve leaflet is mildly thickened.  There is mild-moderate mitral regurgitation (knew about this as well, with the exception of the valve now being thickened).

Tricuspid Valve
Trace tricuspid regurgitation (new).

Pulmonary Valve
There is trivial pulmonic regurgitation (new.  "Trivial" refers to the amount, but there is nothing trivial about this).

Diagnosis

Grade II/IV diastolic dysfunction.  This is heart failure.

Okay, so... there it is.  Now what?  Basically, Grade I is pretty much reversible and doesn't require treatment.  Grades II, on the other hand, requires treatment in hopes it won't progress quickly.  I have to wait to find out WHAT that treatment will be.  For some, this occurred due to high BP, but for me.. it was most likely a combination of years of having SVT, MVP, and then Afib and atrial flutter.  It's not like they can treat my HBP because I don't have that.  I may still end up on a beta blocker (hate those) to slow my HR down so it fills properly and doesn't regurgitate back into my lungs.

So yeah, there were a few new things that I learned about from this last ultrasound, none of them good.  Grade II is usually symptomatic, and I now wonder how much of the awful symptoms I've had are due to DD and not anemia or liver issues.  Something interesting that I've discovered, however, is that at night the pressure can cause RUQ pain in the liver.

Well, what do I do with this information?  Simply put, I need to get my shit together.  Exercise (with Dr's approval) is necessary, diet changes (low-fat and low-sodium), etc.  The usual.  My question is--- how the hell do I exercise when I now deal with exercise intolerance?  I guess I will have to find out.

I've been in a sort of daze since I received the news, and while I'm not really 'scared,' parts of me think I should be, because fear is often motivating in these circumstances.  Still, I'm not sure how I feel about this.  And as for T... he's indifferent, doesn't talk about it, and goes through his entire day as if I told him I stubbed my toe.  And it's not the 'I'm going to think positive' type of indifference, either.  He really has this reaction to just about everything, unless it's about him specifically.  This has been an ongoing problem of late, and it's now become more critical than ever to figure out what it all means to me.  Doesn't really matter what his indifference means to him, because he just claims he's not.  Denial isn't a river in Egypt.

So the question remains... how do I feel about this?  The answer is.. I really don't know.

It's not easy to sort through something like this without talking about it.  But who do I talk to?  No clue.  No clue at all.

The Art of Self-Preservation, Control Freaks, Indifference, and Mastering Compassion

Been there, done that, and doing it again.  It's built-in now, I suppose, that automatic retreat/withdrawal to assume the emotional posturing of protectiveness.. of self.  I'm fairly sure that it's just one of those things that are an integral part of me now, a learned response that I've had a few years to become quite proficient at.  All said, I don't see it as a bad thing.

Weekends are hard now, difficult in many ways because I can't retreat so a safe [physical] place so I can catch my breath and find my bearings.  Maybe it's for the best, really, because that would give me far too much time to contemplate the questions I believe I really don't want the answer to.  Such as.. why do people do the things they do to someone they claim to love, and why remorse, apologies, and just simple human kindness is lost on people now... my better half included?  That's definitely a rhetorical question, because that question most likely doesn't have an answer.  Not a all-inclusive answer, anyway.  So be it.  Maybe it's just one of those unpleasant phenomenons that you just learn to cope with, or not, depending on who you are, your past history, etc.  Either way, I don't cope with this sort of thing well, and its effects on me.. suck in every way imaginable.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time, and those of us with open minds and hearts know all too well how the hard parts serve to teach and strengthen us.  I'm no exception.  I know the value of lessons learned, very much, and they've changed me along the way in my life.  They had to.  Anyone who doesn't change in the process of growing is just spinning their wheels.  I mean, how do you expect to move forward and become the person you are meant to be if you're sitting stagnant in some kind of fairytale land of your own making?  And you guys know that place---we all do--- and it's often a place people retreat to rather than facing and dealing with a situation.  I've never lived in that fantasy world, and I never will.

But there are those who make it very difficult, the people or person in our lives that attempt to micromanage ever move we make, the way we think, and what we do.  Too often those people (or person) attempts to filter our lives through their own.  What I mean by this is... those people who filter who and what you are, your life choices, your wants, needs, passions, wishes, dreams, philosophies, even your decisions through themselves, thus trying to force you to be, think, act, and feel just like them.  If you allow someone to do this to you, I promise, you will lose yourself along the way.

As you lose control, and this can happen in a slow and insidious way, you will see the negative effects in your life, your person, you body, and even in your spirit.  It's a lot like being crushed from the inside-out.  It's damaging.  It's dangerous.  And it will wreck you in the end.

Who wants to be disassembled piece by piece?


On the flip side of these controlling people is the indifference.  It shows itself when you try to be who you are, live like you're in YOUR life and not anyone else's.  Their response can be anything from being flippant to utter indifference.  The latter is often the case, I've found.  I guess it's just easier for them because it requires very little effort.  But that indifference is felt in every core of your being when it happens, doesn't it?  I know a few of you guys have felt this.

Not to say that indifference doesn't happen in normal situations, because it absolutely does!  And even the controlling part.. it's there in all of us, but not to a harmful degree like in those who succumb to it on a regular basis.  But they're there, because we're human.

There's a reason they refer to this as "Cold indifference."  There's nothing warm or loving about it, so the phrase fits like it was tailor-made.

Sure, people can feel indifferent to things, places, actions, laws.... and the list goes on and on.  But that's not what I'm talking about here.  I'm talking about the indifference to a person, the dehumanizing, demoralizing, and hurtful manner in which one displays their lack of compassion.  It's not hard to understand, really.  I mean, if you've felt compassion for anyone or anything in your lifetime, you know what I mean by this.  And if you've never felt compassion.. then, well.. let's just say I'm not here to discuss sociopaths and leave it at that.

Compassion comes easily to some, and not so much in others.  Duh, right?  But I have to state this clearly because there are so many people out there who REALLY don't get it, that there are folks who have to struggle for compassion and don't understand that it is sometimes something you have to actively practice to master.

But we feel it when it's absent, don't we?  We know when someone lacks compassion, because it displays prominently in everything that person does and doesn't do.  And when we're met with it in a personal way...it hurts.

Whether it comes easily to you or not, always practice compassion.  Never ever allow yourself to sink into that cold place where compassion dies.  Feel.  Love.  And never allow yourself to sink into indifference.  Because indifference may or may not change that other person, but it will ALWAYS change YOU.  Fact.

I'm no expert.  I am flawed.  I am not better than anyone else.  Nor do I see myself as 'enlightened.'  I do, however, know that I leave my heart open and exposed to others... because you have to risk yourself a bit to feel compassion.  You guys know that.  It's risky.  Always risky.  But oh so worth the risk.  Because I believe with all of my heart that if you open yourself up..that love and energy flows both ways.  Yes, you risk being hurt, but you also risk being loved.

So, what exactly does this have to do with me?  And yes, I realize that I often choose to talk in generalities to tell you what's going on in my life.  I'm not fighting that approach to exposing my life online, because that's where I am right now.

Indifference.  Lack of compassion.  Losing myself and reaching in the dark to find 'me' again.  It's just where I am.  I make no apologies for this, and I won't ever.

Dealing with illness is hard.  Dealing with not having much control in your life is hard.  Dealing with the knowns and unknowns with health issues is hard.

I will keep on reaching in the dark as long as I have to.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time.