Thanksgiving Eve...

Well, anyway....

Too soon?

Naaaaaah.  Not for me.

Not feeling it....

I've always liked decorating early for Christmas.  Dragging everything out of storage, opening boxes and bags, and decorating... takes a minute, so the idea of putting everything up for a couple of weeks after all that works just doesn't make any sense to me.  Plus, my inner child is alive and well and always excited about Christmas, decorating, hot chocolate with marshmallows, Christmas cartoons and movies and every single bit of tradition out there.  I'm all in for Christmas...usually.

The last few years, however, the excitement has dimmed to a dull hue of red and green, to be honest.  I pretty much know the 'why' of this, but I've struggled over the past 6-7 years or so to repair whatever is sucking the joy out of the holidays and restore it to it's former, magical splendor.  If only....

It's not enough to know what's wrong.  Everything I long for when the nostalgia takes hold are those things that are just out of my reach. My attempts to re-create what's lost have failed, and I'm finding myself depressed more and more each year by the holidays.  While this depression doesn't completely isolate itself to Christmas only, that's the one that is the most difficult to navigate.

I really just hate this.

What 'haven't' I tried to breathe life back into the holidays?

This house is decked out big time, and... I'm just not feeling it.  I walk through the house, and I really love what I see.  But something vital is missing, and it's been fading away for years.  Yeah, yeah, I know this sounds like such a downer, but for me it really is in so many ways.

When all the reaching for better, happier, more joyful falls to the wayside.. so do I.  Just a fact.  There isn't any real way for me to work through this by myself, because the problem isn't an unknown.  As weird as that sounds, it's true.  When you don't know what's wrong, your focus shifts to one of discovery.  But when you know what's wrong one of the first things that comes to mind, for me anyway, is "Okay.  Now what?"  And, unfortunately, that's where I'm stuck.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm planning on digging into my web sites if I have enough energy to do so.  Maybe it will distract me, though I realize it won't solve anything.  I have to do something to fight my way out of this.

For the sake of this particular blog and it's 'intended' theme/focus, I will say that I'm doing well on my diet in the sense that I'm not having any urges to cheat etc., and in fact have been eating under my points (which can backfire on me later and likely will).

Okay, so.. no, I'm not making much sense at the moment.  I'm tired, so so tired.  I didn't sleep well last night which makes this all so much more intense, and in the wrong way.  At the urge of a couple of you, I'm trying, and that's about all I can promise I'll do right now.

Tomorrow is another day.  But today... I'm just not feeling it.

Saturday

Tomorrow is Saturday, and the day my Shakeology is to arrive.  I have a plan, a fairly well thought out one as plans go, and I'm not mentally preparing to go this alone as no support network actually exists for me.  But the lack of a support system during these endeavors mustn't be the reason I don't try.

It's not like I can't do it on my own, because I can.  It's the motivation factor when things seem difficult or complicated, such is the case when you're taking steroids, that a good support system becomes your saving grace.  I've learned the hard way over the last several years that it's okay to need help, to want support during difficult times, and to not feel guilty about asking for that help.  It's easier now since I don't have those people in my life anymore who made me feel bad for wanting or needing emotional support during difficult times.

Over the course of each day I look for my motivation, signs of life if you will, and accept what it is that I find, and even what I don't find.  There will be bad days, and there will be good days, and every step forward, though painful, is still a step forward.  I can do this.

I.  Can. Do.  This.

My goals sometimes change by the day, and on occasion more than once in a day.  Rolling with the punches means adapting to anything new and finding a way to get right back up again, even if I've been soundly knocked on my ass.  The stressors are still here as well, and I try to overlook, ignore, and otherwise block out those things if I possibly can.

As I sit here and feel the pain return in my back, where my kidneys are, I'm evaluating how much I'll be able to do today.  It's different every day, and I accept that fact as simply my reality as it stands right now.  If I don't listen to my body I will pay the price---you guys have heard me say that a few times and, well, it's the absolute truth.  So what WILL I be able to accomplish today, other than the usual paces I put myself through no matter what?

I wish I had somewhere else to retreat to, somewhere that I can be absolutely free from the pressures here in my immediate environment.  Realistically, the only retreat right now is a set of Bose headphones and music; it's how I block out the world when I've simply had enough.

Yeah... I know I'm rambling and all over the place today.  Today?  Well, it's become 'situation, normal' for me right now, but it's just the way it is.  So be it. I'm going with it because I don't know what else to do.  However, my goal was to unload the chaos and focus on what's to come.  When the Shakeology stuff arrives on Saturday I will be mostly prepared... emotionally anyway.

Did ANY of this make ANY sense whatsoever?

*sigh*

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

In the wake of a 12 hour night

Insomnia is the usual case for me, especially over the past year.  Very difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult waking up.  It's not that I don't wake up, it's more that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do.  This has been destroying my quality of life for some time now.  And last night was an unusual event as I slept for about 12 hours.  I do have to say, however, that it wasn't an unbroken sleep.  But even if within that broken 12 hours I managed to get 11 hours, I can feel a bit of change today.  Hasn't resolved everything, but I feel somewhat different.  This has to be brought under control.  And this... effects EVERYTHING about my life.  EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, after I have a fairly decent night's sleep I wake up feeling odd, too aware of everything.  I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell you the truth.  In fact, it's quite unsettling.  In the fog of sleep deprivation and other limiting health issues it's almost a Godsend to have reality blurred somewhat.  I know it sounds crazy, but you don't know my life.. not really.  My 'life' hovers on the edges of that blurred reality for the most part, and when the lines begin to sharpen around what I've been ignoring and the stark reality of what actually IS...my anxiety builds.  Why?  Well, isn't it obvious?  Frankly put---I don't like my reality.

Changing my reality:

I've not given up.  I'm searching for answers.  If those answers are WITHIN me, then those things are buried DEEP, because I can't seem to access them at all.  So what's next?  Yeah, you hear that a lot here, don't you?  If I had the answers to that I'd already being doing it, trust me.

Still, I have to compartmentalize everything these days just so I can deal; I think we all pretty much do this.  I guess the trick is to not completely seal everything off.  *shrugs*

Healing.  Healing is absolutely NECESSARY to getting back to myself again.  I have to heal in mind, body, and spirit.  No matter what, I will have no quality of life if I don't heal.  So how do I do that?  How do I heal while in a place that isn't conducive to healing?  THAT is the million dollar question.

I'm stuck:

What do I do?  Where do I go?  How do I start?  When do I start?  How long will it take?  Which path is right?  Will I find my footing?

There isn't a single soul around that I can talk to about this.  The few people I have to talk to I can't open up to.  It's difficult to talk to someone who's not listening.

There's nothing that instills mistrust in another person than trying to talk to someone about something critical, important and having them shrug it off as if it's insignificant.  I'm not a fool, and I can tell when someone really could give a shit less.  All it takes is once, and I won't open up to that person again...

"Sorry to hear that.  Hope you feel better soon."  Wow.  Can't tell you how much this one puts me off.

Platitudes are not only insulting and hurtful to me, but they make you look shallow and self-absorbed.  Seriously.

It's been said that we live in a 'ME ME ME' era, and I have to agree.  Opening up to another human being, wether a friend or relative, is almost pointless these days.  At least it's been this way for me.  And...this is why I have blogs.  Opening up to people usually just brings on the deadpan platitudes that actually make me feel worse.

Does anyone in this country give a shit about anything at all?

Even T is deadpan, self-absorbed to the point of not seeing or hearing or feeling anything about anyone around him.  Most of all me.  But I'm adjusting to that, which means... my feelings toward him are changing radically, and now... irreversibly.  He was warned about this some time back, so he knew the risk of maintaining the status-quo.  Once I accepted that I have to focus on myself in order to heal, to get well, to reach for a better quality of life, to be happy, hopeful, and vibrant... things became both easier and more difficult at the same time.  I never expected this to be easy.

Back to sleep...

My dreams tell all.  I tend to dream a lot these days, and I dream of a reality that isn't, or at least used to be, MY reality.  I'm never tired, sick, painful, or alone in my dreams.  When I sleep.. I'm exactly where I want to be in my waking life.  I know what it is that I want, and my subconscious is showing me every single night how vastly WRONG my actual life is.  Many times I absolutely hate waking up.

It's going to be a long process, reaching my goals, and I will have to remind myself each and every day what those goals are.  I will also have to do everything in my power not to give up, because what happens in the reality of my life makes me want to give up.  This isn't a good thing.  At all.

So, what now?

Damn thing won't stop beeping

Day 2 with the heart monitor, and it just won't stop beeping.  Okay, so there are pauses, but there have been SO many... I didn't get this many when I had SVT, AFib, and atrial flutter.  Weird.  For those who don't know how an event monitor works, you basically wear a portable EKG that comes with a monitor that records everything your heart does, and a wireless communicator that sends the information to the monitoring center.  Yes, you're actually monitored the entire time, 24/7, by real people.  This is not the same thing as a Holter monitor where you have the recorder only.

So when an 'event' occurs, one that you know of, you hit the button at the top of the monitor to mark the EKG, then the communicator asks what happened (palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, etc.), then it asks what you were doing when it happened (nothing, walking, exercising, etc.).  And whether or not you FEEL what happens, 'they' know..and it's recorded anyway and uploaded to the monitoring center's software.

When I speak of 'beeps,' there are actually 2 that happen during the event.  The first beep says something is happening and being recorded (blinking green light goes solid)...which takes approximately a minute, and the second beep says that event has been marked and is being uploaded (alternating blinking green and blue lights).  Nothing on the communicator asks you to state what happened or what you were doing because, if you didn't push the button, you're not aware anything happened anyway.

Basically, it beeps often when I'm standing, and it beeps nearly every time I bend over to pick something up off the floor.  It's also been beeping while laying down (like last night), and also when I'm just sitting and talking to someone.  This is not the way this usually goes for me, so I don't know what it's picking up.  Possibly PVCs, which most people have and aren't often aware of.  Thing is... I've never had a monitor go off as much as I have the past 24 hrs.  I have to wear this for 4 days, and it's procedure as a one year follow-up after a cardiac ablation.  It's meant to make sure episodes of the arrhythmia(s) aren't happening and determines wether or not the ablation(s) was/were successful or not.

Now, I have iron deficiency anemia, and it's NOT being treated.  So that could possibly explain anything my heart is doing.  Or it could be something related to the Grade II Diastolic Dysfunction I've recently be diagnosed with.  Not sure.  Honestly, I first thought I had a defective monitor, but the monitoring center ALWAYS knows if something's wrong and calls to recalibrate or decide if they need to send another monitor.  So far, no calls.  This is good in that nothing serious is happening. ;)

I know.  Blah blah blah.  I will get to more personal matters later on.

PART 1: While I was looking the other way.

After focusing on the liver issues and anemia and how to resolve them, I didn't take into account that anything else could be causing or contributing to my symptoms.  After my ablations last year for AFib, Atrial Flutter, and Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT), I figured that was going to be pretty much it for heart issues.  I've had Mitral Valve Prolapse since I was a kid, and yes... that valve began to leak and is at the mild-moderate stage at this time.  I'm supposed to get a yearly ultrasound to keep an eye on things, and up till this past week it was just something I had to do.  I'm about 6 months late on this past one because the clinic I usually go to has lost 3 doctors to career move or changes, and this means my appointment got pushed months out due to the shortage of doctors.  I didn't really think much of it and decided to see if I could get my yearly ultrasound done when I went to see my EP about getting the Watchman Device implanted in my heart... at his suggestion.  I won't discuss that particular device right now because I've previously posted about it.  And I've yet to see if I can even have the procedure done in lieu of recent ultrasound findings.

Saturday (22nd) I received the ultrasound report in the mail.  I certainly didn't expect to see what was on the sheet, to tell you the truth.

I know the MVP can get worse in some people, and mine is slowly getting worse.  I also know that during my last two ultrasounds I discovered that my aortic valve was also leaking.  Well, it is what it is, and this is why I get a yearly ultrasound.

So I'm home alone and looking over the report that arrived in the mail on Saturday, and I see several things listed that surprised me...and I've listed the highlights below.  I will get to what it all means in a moment...

Left Ventricle
Diastolic filling demonstrates a pseudonormal pattern (new).

Left Atrium
Left Atrium Chamber is mildly dilated (new).

Right Atrium
Right Atrium Chamber is mildly dilated (new).

Aortic Valve
The Aortic Valve is mildly calcified.  There is mild aortic regurgitation (I already knew about this).

Mitral Valve
The Mitral Valve leaflet is mildly thickened.  There is mild-moderate mitral regurgitation (knew about this as well, with the exception of the valve now being thickened).

Tricuspid Valve
Trace tricuspid regurgitation (new).

Pulmonary Valve
There is trivial pulmonic regurgitation (new.  "Trivial" refers to the amount, but there is nothing trivial about this).

Diagnosis

Grade II/IV diastolic dysfunction.  This is heart failure.

Okay, so... there it is.  Now what?  Basically, Grade I is pretty much reversible and doesn't require treatment.  Grades II, on the other hand, requires treatment in hopes it won't progress quickly.  I have to wait to find out WHAT that treatment will be.  For some, this occurred due to high BP, but for me.. it was most likely a combination of years of having SVT, MVP, and then Afib and atrial flutter.  It's not like they can treat my HBP because I don't have that.  I may still end up on a beta blocker (hate those) to slow my HR down so it fills properly and doesn't regurgitate back into my lungs.

So yeah, there were a few new things that I learned about from this last ultrasound, none of them good.  Grade II is usually symptomatic, and I now wonder how much of the awful symptoms I've had are due to DD and not anemia or liver issues.  Something interesting that I've discovered, however, is that at night the pressure can cause RUQ pain in the liver.

Well, what do I do with this information?  Simply put, I need to get my shit together.  Exercise (with Dr's approval) is necessary, diet changes (low-fat and low-sodium), etc.  The usual.  My question is--- how the hell do I exercise when I now deal with exercise intolerance?  I guess I will have to find out.

I've been in a sort of daze since I received the news, and while I'm not really 'scared,' parts of me think I should be, because fear is often motivating in these circumstances.  Still, I'm not sure how I feel about this.  And as for T... he's indifferent, doesn't talk about it, and goes through his entire day as if I told him I stubbed my toe.  And it's not the 'I'm going to think positive' type of indifference, either.  He really has this reaction to just about everything, unless it's about him specifically.  This has been an ongoing problem of late, and it's now become more critical than ever to figure out what it all means to me.  Doesn't really matter what his indifference means to him, because he just claims he's not.  Denial isn't a river in Egypt.

So the question remains... how do I feel about this?  The answer is.. I really don't know.

It's not easy to sort through something like this without talking about it.  But who do I talk to?  No clue.  No clue at all.

Reminder: My other blogs

A couple of you have sent me messages on FaceBook regarding a few issues I promised to talk about or update about.  I have.  You may have just missed where I spoke about them.  This was the problem I mentioned previously about keeping all 3 of my blogs.  But you guys begged me to keep them all, so I did. :)

So as a reminder, and to either clear up confusion or create more, here are the links to my other blogs.  You can always find them in the menu section (side bar) under Alter Ego.  Also, in case you've forgotten, mostly the separate blogs are for focus, so that all topics don't all end up getting blended together in one place.

Hope this helps...

Where Fireflies Dream

http://gothicwell.blogspot.com

All Things Ephemeral

http://autumnwhisperstome.blogspot.com

Boo’s Juicy Bits

http://boosjuicybits.blogspot.com

Each blog is designed for a specific purpose and focus, true, but all of them overlap in many ways.  I may end up burning myself out posting on one, and may not get a chance to post an entry on the others the same day, or at the same time.  There will be times, in other words, where it may appear as if I've not made an entry...when I actually have but on a different blog.

A brief explanation of the blogs may help a little bit.  Just remember that even if a topic/blog may not interest you, I may have spilled everything there and not posted elsewhere.

Where Fireflies Dream was intended to be a place for dreams, wishes, hopes, plans, goals, etc.  But it's evolved over time into something bigger than that.  That's about all I can do to explain this blog.  There are days when the focus is implied, and days when I'm speaking in contrast to what the focus actually is.

All Things Ephemeral is the original blog, the one I built and posted on about anything and everything you could possibly imagine.  I used to give quite a bit of details, which often meant deleting entries after a time that said too much.  Hence the name "All Things Ephemeral."  Now, I've not recently unloaded in detail there, so most of the entries remain intact.

NOTE:  It must be said that when I do post in great detail there the post may not remain for long.  So if you make it a habit of reading posts in this blog you probably won't miss anything.  If you wait too long.. the entry may be deleted.

Boo's Juicy Bits:  Now this blog is mainly about health and diet in the context of flirtatious fun.  With health issues wreaking havoc, however, it's changed the entries for the most part.  But as things change and I get on top of things... it will return to its original and flirty content.  I'm not about faking things to entertain, so you guys will know pretty much where I am by what you read there.

Again, ALL of these blogs intersect in some way.  They all have a purpose, to which I've tried to keep true on, but they still cross over one another in ways.

Okay.  Enough of this.  Again, you can find the links to the Alter Ego blogs in the bar to the side of each blog.

Well... this liquid diet is kicking my ass today, so I'm off here for now.

*waves*

Midnight, Music, Musings Part 3

As late as it is you would think I would be sleepy. I don't sleep well at all, but then...I am a human receptacle for stress and anxiety. And I can't seem to convince my other half that he can't use me as a dumping ground or we won't last long. Yeah. So there's that. The truth is often quite difficult to speak aloud. But when you have to protect your health you have to speak up. So I have.

So here I am. Awake. Anxious. But that's life. Listening to music and pondering my strategy on rebuilding my health..and my life.  Well, and least the low-carbing is going steady and strong.

Note: Fat Bombs work!  Easy on the fried stuff. Don't over-do dairy or protein, do 2-3 fat bombs a day. Working for me.