Running interference

"STOP!"  Some words have lost their effectiveness.  As many times as I tell myself to stop with the stupid internal dialogue it has yet to have any real effect on me.  Damn, but my inner child is stubborn as hell!  But then, all of me tends to be that way.  With a lack of a support network I'm left to my own devices, and the on-screen blabbering of an indifferent internet to fill that void.  Guess what?  NONE of it's working.

Inspiration, more specifically the lack thereof, squashes motivation before it even gets out of the gate.  Am I saying I'm uninspired, then I would have to say "YES!"  Knowing my situation will only change when I facilitate that change (personally) is enough pressure all on its own, but when I'm told my my cardiologist that I can't exercise until after I have the nuclear stress test and get the results, well, that really puts a massive damper on things.  And waiting is just another level of hell.

My subconscious is raging against all that's happening, behaving like a willful, spoiled brat, and one in which I can't exactly order to go stand in the corner somewhere.  So the tantrums ensue, unchecked.  Yippee.

Yesterday I saw an orthodontist about an oral device that will help with this mild sleep apnea.  While waiting in the office I thumbed through a huge binder filled with handwritten testimonies of people who've gotten this device (which is a lot like what you wear to protect your teeth if you grind them in your sleep).  Anyway, encouragement and hope literally poured from the pages, and I actually felt myself on the verge of tears at the thought that "I" could really feel THAT good again.  There are things I still need to do with regards to my teeth, like get a dental implant for the one I cracked severely from years of grinding my teeth, so that will slow things down a bit.  Waiting... has never been my strong point.  Delayed gratification sucks when it's something this necessary, vital even.

For every night I spend in poor sleep, I wake to feel as if I'd not slept at all.  So how is it that I'm going to be able to wait for the next few weeks in order to deal with the process of getting that dental implant?  How in the hell do I make myself okay with feeling like THIS for yet a few more weeks?  I really don't know that I can do it.  BUT, I have to.  They can't have them make that oral device before I have the other done because it won't fit.  Ugh.

As my subconscious rages, as it seeks to pout and crawl into a deep, dark hole where it can sulk in private, I'm left with the aftermath of its childish behavior; depression, hopelessness, sadness, bewilderment, and at times anger.  Screw this.  My subconscious and I need to have a damn talk!

I really could use a support network right now.  Having to admit such a frailty is really uncomfortable, I'll have you know.  Over the years I've changed from someone who was open, okay with expressing feelings and allowing them to flow through me so I could deal with them, to someone who refuses to cry in front of anyone, to show my vulnerability, and to even express my needs.  This unpleasant change began a few years ago and has continued to hold onto the part of me I want back.  I feel like a damn hostage inside my own body.  Wtf?

Free me...

When you find yourself saying "I'm a light sleeper"...

Until the last few months I really had no idea or understanding of what that phrase actually means.  To someone who is chronically tired, falling asleep during the day, and just not feeling well at all, those words come to have a greater meaning upon discovering that being in a state of 'light sleep' most of the night can have serious consequences, especially over the long haul.

I can't tell you how many times over the past 15 years I've said "I'm a light sleeper."  My kids are grown with kids of their own, but I remember as far back as the 70's, when my first son was born, how I would wake up quickly and thoroughly when they would make even the slightest sound.  It's 'mother's intuition' or 'mother's hearing,' as some call it.  But in the last 15 years I've come to accept this 'light sleeper' thing as simply remnants of that 'mother's hearing,' due in part to the fact that this works with my pets as well.  Just the slightest sound, especially when it sounds 'wrong'... I awaken.

Over the past 6 years or so, at a guess, my sleep patterns have gotten significantly 'off,' leaving me to awaken at ANY sound.  A car passing by my house, the sound of neighbors' voices, rain, thunder, someone just being awake in the same house I'm in, someone using the restroom... I can't really think of much that WON'T wake me.  And very recently I've come to discover the effects of this sort of sleep is cumulative and damaging.

Several months ago I purchased a machine called a ResMed S+ at Bed, Bath & Beyond.  ResMed is the company that makes CPAP machines and masks, and they made this device to help people measure the quality of sleep, help them fall asleep, and also to help them improve their quality of sleep.  What I discovered by using the S+ surprised and shocked me in many ways.  Using a scoring system, with 100 being the best score, I realized just how poor my sleep quality was.

Then I saw a pulmonologist who ordered, among other things, a sleep study where I discovered I have mild sleep apnea.

While the S+ couldn't tell me if I stopped breathing or how many times, it did measure REM, Light, and DEEP sleep, as well as how long it takes me to fall asleep on any given night.  The score is presented each morning.

The image at the top of this entry is a recent score from a couple of days ago.  This is not the worst score I've gotten--not even close.

As you can see, my DEEP sleep is incredibly short at 16 minutes.  That's BAD.  It should be closer to 1 1/5 hours.  REM sleep, on this particular night, isn't all that bad, really, as I've seen it as low as 15-20 minutes.  And LIGHT sleep always seems to dominate my sleep--also not good.

During light sleep a person is actually aware of their surroundings; sound, light, movement, etc.  And yes, this is why some people wake up easily--because they stay mostly in a state of LIGHT sleep.  This is not restorative sleep, btw.  REM mostly restores the mind, and DEEP mostly restores the body.  It's all quite important.

Again, what this machine does NOT show is the little awakenings, cessation of breathing, and other neurological events like restless leg syndrome, even teeth grinding!, which often comes with sleep apnea.  What it does actually show, however, is how many times I woke up completely and totally.  A person may or may not know they woke up every time, depending on how tired/sleepy you are.  So what's so telling about this?

Well, in MY case, as this ONE example shows, I woke up 8 times in one night; I've had many nights where this number has been as high as 14.  And remember, this is not counting the micro awakenings or cessation of breathing.  However, a sleep study has a very complex system of monitoring so that they can find the micro-awakenings, cessation of breathing, and so on.  In mild sleep apnea, for example, events happen 5-10 times PER HOUR.  In severe sleep apnea this can happen hundreds of times per hour.  Mild or severe, this can cause hypertension, heart attack, and stroke.

Basically what this means is---if you find yourself telling people you're a light sleeper, if sounds, movements in the bed, etc. wake you easily, and especially if you have symptoms of sleep apnea, you may want to consider bringing this up to your doctor; It could actually save your life!

In my personal case, I was actually quite amazed at how i felt after the second sleep study I had using a CPAP machine.  I felt pretty darn good the following day.  And while I'm having issues with my skin being tender and sensitive to the mask, etc., I know I'm going in the right direction.

Sleep apnea can cause heart arrhythmias such as Atrial Fibrillation--which is known for causing stroke.  Sleep apnea can also cause various other heart conditions including, but not limited to, congestive heart failure.  And if THAT isn't enough, do know that it can cause weight gain, muscle fatigue, back pain, joint pain not unlike that which comes with arthritis.. and more.

Do you snore?  That's a tell-tell sign of sleep apnea, btw.  Tired, sleepy during the day, snoring at night, fatigue... please listen to your body.

Boo's Juicy Bits, and the Return to Focus

This blog began as a ways and means to talk, often with humor, about health, wholeness, eating, thriving, living, body/mind/soul, and sometimes to share the naughty side of me.  It's gotten WAY off-track over the past few months due to declining health.  Well, those health issues are being addressed, and treatment begins today/tonight.. and next week.  At least with regards to the issues of sleep apnea and iron deficiency anemia.

Getting back on track with posting and sharing here is going to be a major switch in some ways, as I've had to focus far too much on doctor appointments, treatments, and so forth.  But I think it's time, you know, to get back to the part of 'living.'  Doesn't mean I won't have moments where I vent about my relationship issues, dreams, passions, and the like.  It just means that I think since I'm on my way to resolutions for my health issues... it's time to focus on what's ahead.

It just makes good sense.

So what's next with diet, exercise, vibrant physical, mental/emotional health?  Well, that's just the thing.  Tonight will be the first night I use a CPAP machine, and I already know the one night I used it at the sleep center.. I felt quite different the following day, and I returned to my usual fatigued, miserable self the night after WITHOUT the CPAP.  I see much hope in that.  And with next week being the first treatment for the iron deficiency.. I'm actually getting excited about seeing things improve over the days and weeks ahead.  This is going to be a journey of my life, really.

As my focus shifts to hopeful events, positive outcomes, and anticipation for those things not yet addressed (lung and heart issues), I will also have a lot more focus here.

It's about time, isn't it?  ;)