Because I Can.

It's inevitable, isn't it?  Social networking is like trying to have a picnic beneath a buzzing hornets nest.  We know the situation is precarious, especially when so many have now succumbed to chronic butt-hurt, and yet we persevere, post to our little heart's content, and laugh at the wrath some things inspire from unstable people.  We try to understand, and some will try to edit what they post in order to 'keep down the drama.'  Thing is, the drama is on their side, not ours.  I mean, getting bent out of shape over what someone posts is a lot like being offended by the furniture in your neighbor's house... and saying so.  It's rude, and it's inappropriate.

So why do people do it if it's just going to stir up trouble?  Well, the answer to the question is in the question itself.  Some people are addicted to drama, and you can spot them readily because they'll be the ones complaining constantly, and in their passive/aggressive manner, about everyone else's "drama."  I know you guys have seen this.

I'm always a little amazed, watching them melt-down, lose control, judge others for speaking their minds, all the while trying desperately trying to blur the line between 'victim' and 'bully.'  Know the type I'm talking about?  These are the people who will call you an idiot while claiming they're above such behavior.

It's perplexing.

Here's the thing: Social networking doesn't come with a carte blanche card to attack other people's views, etc.  You have a choice to keep going if you see a post you don't like, and most stable, intelligent people will do just that.  And yes, there are exceptions, such as someone outright attacking, bullying, posting personal or sensitive information about you, etc.  I mean, by all means.. call them out on it if they do that, and be sure to block their sorry asses when you're done.  Nobody likes a bully.

Now, you also have to practice what you preach.  I choose not to comment if I don't like something, and I refrain when possible the urge to behave in passive/aggressive ways.

I personally don't believe we should censor our speech just to make other people more comfortable.  DO know that I'm NOT including bullying in this, because that will NEVER be okay.  Not ever.  But outside of bullying, we can say what we want, given it's within keeping with said SN TOS.

My personal experience in this current political climate has been that the chronically butt-hurt come out in force when I post something that isn't in keeping with their own views.  One person in particular has taken to some very nasty commenting on posts he doesn't agree with, and often it's simply posts in support of who my chosen presidential candidate is.  Now why would anyone have to vomit nastiness on a positive post?  Who knows?  Who cares?  My posts on my page aren't open to bullying and nastiness.  I will either delete your posts or block you.  Enough is enough.  For the record, I've not yet blocked this other person, but that could change quickly after today's nastiness.

When has free speech turned into 'free to bully'?  I don't have the answer to this question either, but maybe it's more a rhetorical reference than anything else.  Either way, some people really don't understand how stubborn I can be when it comes to another trying to control what I do, how I think, how I feel, and so on.  Yeah, I can assure you.. you really don't want to poke the bear like that.

Bullying doesn't work on me, and you'll find quite the opposite response than what you hope for.  But then, I think these types of drama queens actually WANT the drama, which is why they spend SO much time tossing insults.  Why else would they do it if that's the only payoff?

So today this person went on a rant, tossing in character assassination remarks and such, and quite a few at that.  But the main complaint is that he didn't want to see political posts and actually stated that if you're posting more than 2-3 per day that your friends are "Fucking sick of you."  Well, what he thinks was a clever cut down and shaming tactic I see only as a challenge, and one I accepted right off.  Today is going to be a day when the political posts will continue.. all.. day.. long.

I don't give in to bullies, who are really just cowards anyway.  My page, my posts, and anyone who doesn't like it can click the 'unfollow' or 'unfriend' button!  You can't bully me.  You can't censor me.  And you can't control me.

Challenge me, and you may be surprised at my response.  And remember, you can't un-ring that bell.

I also practice what I preach: if I see a post I don't like... I move on.  Having the restraint to NOT react is empowering, because when you do as that other person did today you show weakness, an inability to control your own emotions and behavior.  Why would anyone willingly do that?  There are venues outside of social media to air your grievances if needed.  Hell, I have blogs where I can speak my mind and get things off my chest WITHOUT drawing attention to the person I may be talking about.  Having been at the receiving end of abuse and character assassination I choose to refrain from going down that road if possible.  But I assure you, I'm NOT afraid to stand up for myself; that's a completely different thing altogether anyway.

As they say... haters gonna hate. ;p

Reality and the Mask of Acceptance

When I first created this blog I had a couple of intentions in mind: 1) To talk about diet, exercise, health and healing, and even sex.  2) To journal while navigating my way to better health.  Well, to say things were derailed rather quickly would be an understatement, but it doesn't mean I've abandoned my original purpose here.  While the theme still exists, so do those things that came in to completely throw me off-course.  Hey, that's part of the process, and the discussion doesn't really change all that much.

Blunt is good most of the time.  But let's face it, in polite society and circumstance requiring a bit more tact the conversation WILL change somewhat.  But THIS isn't polite society, and PC isn't the name of the game here.  While I have pulled back hugely when posting here, that's going to come to an end before long, because I'm simply too sick and tired to sugar-coat anything or leave out those details I really need to add to the conversation.

I know my reality.  I've talked about my reality.  I'm dealing with a chronic illness that gives little clues as to how it's going to progress in my life.  AIH isn't anything to take lightly, and I don't intend to.  Having said that, I'm adding that THIS is my new reality, one which I have to live with, deal with, and include in my blogs.  This isn't to say I'm giving in to the disease, btw.

Acceptance is a funny thing.  Anyone who's had to work their way to acceptance of any situation or circumstance knows that accepting what is can be a real bitch.  It's no different for me.  But acceptance is often something we WEAR, rather than something we have or do or feel.  It's true!  Think about it.  For example, the stages of grief END with acceptance, but what people forget is that the stages of grieving ISN'T linear but CIRCULAR.  We circle back and forth between those stages and no one can say just how long it will take before reaching acceptance---or even if you'll stay there once you arrive at that point.

It's just another mask we wear from time to time.  Acceptance isn't a dead-end destination and never will be.  For those who've been reading a while, you know I've gone back and forth with that whole acceptance thing quite a bit and am still going through it now.

Okay, I'm really tired and am going to talk myself into shutting up for the rest of the day... maybe. lol

Spilling Over...

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!

PART 2: Priorities Revealed

Assuming you've read PART 1, I won't rehash the entire experience.  And I've spoken of my disappointment (for lack of a better word) in that T has the worst hierarchy of priorities that I've seen in a few years.  And in light of his absence during yesterday's procedure shows me more than ever where he is, who he is, and what he is.

When I was informed yesterday that the procedure I was having was more serious and carries far more risk than 'just' the biopsy I thought I was having, my radiologist asked me if I had anyone there with me.  The fact that I was alone in the section where I waited to be taken to my procedure didn't deter him from asking, because.. after all... I was the only patient there who didn't have anyone with them.

I told him T had dropped me off and went to work;  and he just looked at me for a moment, sat down, and began telling me (using straight-forward language) how "Tricky" the procedure I was going to have, how serious it was, and about the risks involved.  He said if I wanted to call T and give him an opportunity to come back to the hospital so he could be there as it's being done that they would hold off on performing the procedure until he arrived.  The radiologist left the room, and I called T...

T's reaction?  "Well, they have my contact information so that if anything happens they can call and I will come there."

I sat there for a split-second taking in his response, then was filled with the overwhelming need to hang up the phone, to NOT hear his voice at all.  And while this isn't the first time I've felt this reaction, it was by far the strongest I've felt.  I instantly went into self-preservation mode and wanted him nowhere near me.

The nurses, doctors, and other supportive medical staff were the only ones who made me feel like I wasn't completely alone.  I accepted that for what it was and allowed myself to just focus on what was about to happen and put T far, far out of my mind.  In fact, to be honest, he didn't enter my mind at all until at the end of recovery when I was told I was being released.

What does this mean?  That's not a question I'm asking myself, because I already know the answer.  I've been there, done that in the past with someone not giving a crap about my health, my well-being, and diminishing what I was going through or dealing with.  Has society really become a nation of zombies who have nothing but bricks for hearts?  I'm certainly beginning to think so.

I was supposed to go home and rest, not strain myself, no lifting, not even driving.  But T had other plans, ones that made HIS life ultimately easier.  Because that's what it all boils down to.  The aching in my neck and liver had begun, so I prayed that the medication I was given at the hospital would kick in soon and I at least wouldn't be in pain.

A heart cath is scheduled for the 19th of this month (November), and I was given a lab order to get blood work done prior to that day, as soon as possible.  T decided that since I was "Already out and about" that I should go to the lab to get the blood drawn.  I was painful, loopy, tired, and I wasn't at all up to walking through a parking garage and hospital in order to get blood drawn.  I just wanted to go home and rest.  That's all.  Just go home and rest.  But that wasn't about to happen.  T would have his way, and I would simply have to suck it up and deal with the unpleasantness.

This isn't the first time I've been with someone who lacks compassion, but at least I now know how to deal with it while protecting myself at the same time... thanks to a couple of past relationships.  At least I was smart enough to learn from the experiences, and while those lessons were necessary and taught me much, it doesn't mean I'm not feeling the effects of what's happening.

Deja vu.

I'm still processing everything, having just gone through this yesterday.  I've no real thoughts on the matter other than the obvious that one would expect to have after such.

I'll come to terms with things---perhaps when I feel stronger.

Like I need another hole in the head

New blog.  Honestly, sometimes I wonder where I get all the time to post in all of these.  In some ways having the focuses of my entries in separate blogs helps me maintain cohesive thought.... well, at least I TRY.  Expressing everything in one common place just makes for a serious muddle in which it's difficult to sift through sometimes.  I mean, I revisit some of my entries to see where I am.  I mean, isn't that what a 'diary' is for?

Well, this new one is about the ongoing processes of working out past injuries, as well as current ones...

Either way, it was a moral imperative.  Finding my way in the dark is a necessity, and the link below will provide you with a window on which to see this happen.  It's not always going to pleasant...

This Free Spirit

OR

http://abusebondsbroken.blogspot.com