....everything seems better. Be careful of that facade.
If I had the energy at night to write these entries, I guarantee you they would look much different. The accumulation of the day's stresses become a bit more blurry in the light of morning; just a fact. At night I'm very clear on how I feel about things, what I really want to do about them, and I'm in-touch with the severity of the damage being done. How am I supposed to find solutions when the problems scuttle away to hide near my subconscious when the sun rises? I say "Near my subconscious" because I'm well aware that they're there, it's just that it becomes easier when facing a new day. Kind of ridiculous on my part, you know, allowing that to happen.
It's indifference and lack of humanity rearing it's ugly head again. This permeates everything I do, want to do, and try to do. I've lost my resolve when it comes to relying on myself for strength, guidance, self-esteem, and so many more important and necessary matters. How did this happen? How did I become so complacent in my own undoing.... yet again? And, is there a way out?
Yesterday I had the first part of a two part stress test. If you don't know how those work, the first part is all about placing your body under monitored and rigorous stress; in this case, exercise. I'm not talking about normal exercise, but the kind that has NO warmup and NO cool-down, and you jump right into raising your HR as quickly as possible. The low end of the target HR for these tests is 145 BPM, and the goal is to go as long as possible with the incline (on the treadmill) raising, and the speed raising every 3 minutes. It's pretty rough, which is the point.
I was only about 5 minutes into the test before the burning in my chest started, then the pain that went through to my back. No, that wasn't a heart attack, though you certainly can feel those things if a heart attack was happening. In this case... it was angina (chest pain), and the tests and imaging done afterwards are to determine IF something is wrong and WHAT that something is. I had an EKG machine hooked up to me the entire time, so if something really bad were happening they would have known.
I had to call off the test--which is how it works btw--due to the chest pain and being unable to breathe well (understatement). The test stopped abruptly (as is the protocol with or without problems arising) and I was told to sit down. The pain began to subside as soon as I sat down and was completely gone shortly thereafter. By the time my HR returned to normal I was fine. I have no idea what the significance is (if any) of that experience, but I'm sure they'll tell me eventually.
The second portion (resting) will happen on Monday November 2nd.
I might add that they place an IV port in your arm when you get a test like this; one reason is so they can inject the tracer (radioactive contrast solution), and the other is in case of emergency they can begin administering medications, etc. immediately. I will get the same tracer on the resting portion of the test on Monday.
So where am I going with this and what does it have to do with 'indifference'?
Usually I read through a heart disease forum I belong to so I can see what experience others have had with any given situation. In this case I read up on events during stress tests, ones that match my situation. Wasn't good, what I found, but I'm not one to panic or get worked up over something that is probably NOT my issue. I do, however, like to be informed--it's the smart thing to do.
I passed what information I found about the occurrence on to T. No reaction, no concern, not a thing. Now, one thing I didn't mention is that I was SUPPOSED to get the second half of the stress test TODAY. Why am I doing it on Monday? T has taken me to a few of my appointments due to my serious sleep deprivation lately... in order to avoid accidents due to my sleepiness, etc. He has a TON of acquired leave accrued and will lose them if he doesn't use them, so he's schedule his leave on days when I have an appointment. I'm grateful, no doubt about it. But I'm concerned, still, of the indifference he has, that he swears doesn't exist. And trust me--it exists.
I've had to deal with some serious health issues, and am STILL dealing with them. There's some situations that are now 'watch and wait' situations, and that's just the way it is. But when troublesome symptoms occur... I don't have anyone to tell or talk to about it. It's not a good idea to ignore the symptoms, and well... I guess I'm just in that place where I'm unsure about how long I can continue doing this.
I would take a bullet for the people I love to save their lives. Period. But what I won't do is risk my life by remaining in a situation that, well, risks my life. So what do I do about it in the meantime?
There's so much more I need to say about this, but in keeping things in context it will have to be in separate posts in order to keep things straight....
.....I'm going to post in my other blogs today, too... it's time, isn't it?
Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah. No.. patience is a skill! I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat. Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough. Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health. Enough is enough. Right?
I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.' What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite. While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation. It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent. Some of this most people already know. In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person. And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.
Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure! Funny, I know... but absolutely true. When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps. If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.
If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.
There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it. And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category. If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there. Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust. And by "personal social network" I mean just that. Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.
The enablers...
These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you. This is neither appropriate or helpful. There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.' People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.' There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation. But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do. These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope. They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire. Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.
The Borg...
Think I'm kidding here? lol I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain. As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them. These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse. Sounds crazy, yes? These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger. And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation. Steer clear of these types!
The zombies...
Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do. Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so. They feel nothing, and they're relentless. The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one. Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest. Period. Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing. Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?
While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable. This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all. This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.
Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being. Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must. But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.
My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person. Truth.
Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah. No.. patience is a skill! I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat. Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough. Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health. Enough is enough. Right?
I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.' What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite. While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation. It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent. Some of this most people already know. In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person. And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.
Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure! Funny, I know... but absolutely true. When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps. If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.
If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.
There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it. And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category. If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there. Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust. And by "personal social network" I mean just that. Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.
The enablers...
These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you. This is neither appropriate or helpful. There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.' People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.' There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation. But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do. These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope. They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire. Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.
The Borg...
Think I'm kidding here? lol I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain. As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them. These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse. Sounds crazy, yes? These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger. And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation. Steer clear of these types!
The zombies...
Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do. Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so. They feel nothing, and they're relentless. The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one. Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest. Period. Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing. Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?
While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable. This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all. This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.
Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being. Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must. But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.
My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person. Truth.
First let me say the settings we changed due to some subject matter which will be discussed occasionally. While I work on talking openly about issues that NEED addressing, some of those issues are going to be sexual in nature. I think it only fair to warn you guys.
Many of you won't care as I've had these settings in place before. I removed the settings and decided not to talk of anything 'sensitive' some time back, and I did this due to an increasing necessity to protect myself by withholding much of what's going on within and without.
Things are changing, and I'm fully planning on going with the flow here. If you can hang---cool. If you can't hang---I certainly understand.
A friend of mine (who now lives on the east coast) called me the other day out of the blue to share something both heartbreaking...and hilarious. The conversation began very teary on her part, but after a good hour of talking we were both laughing, and I mean REALLY laughing. She and I have known each other for several years now, and we have shared pretty much EVERYTHING. Sometimes our shares were incidental, sometimes on purpose, but we really ended up knowing probably far too much about each other's private lives, which means... we're pretty damn comfortable talking about anything our hearts' desire. Yesterday was one such day.
I will refer to my friend as R in order to keep her anonymous...
Skipping over the tearful parts (because she reads my blogs) I will say that the entire subject matter of our 3 hour+ conversation was primarily about guys and their epic failures in relationships. Now, for the couple of guy friends who I've given my blog addresses to... you know I'm not referring to you! Some guys are sweet, genuine, real gentleman...to say the least, but those guys are very, VERY rare, and I will tell you this---you will NOT meet those great guys online. Sorry to burst the bubbles of those on dating sites, but... you simply won't. Advice---save yourself the grief of even going there (online dating sites), because pretty much everyone I've ever met, with the exception of one person who met her guy on a Christian dating site (one you pay for), has found that there's mostly riffraff on there. And ladies...seriously, it does NOT matter what they guy does for a living or how much money he has! Just don't go there!
Okay, so R's ex (a recent event, btw) seemed to have been maintaining his profile on a popular dating site...the entire time he was with her. God, but her story sounds just like mine with my ex! She found out via another friend who is also on the site...when he showed up in her searches (same thing that happened to me). So as she cried and expressed her shock, bewilderment, hurt, and anger over the phone... I remained quiet, thoughtful, and listening, because I have been where she is now, and it's one seriously ugly place to be.
I think it probably took her a good 2-30 minutes of crying and venting before she took that deep breath, sighed, and waited for me to respond. She already knew my history, which means she knew I would understand. And I do. I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and I told her she had every single right to feel outraged for what was done to her by this "guy" (whom I did not ever refer to as a "man" for obvious reasons). Then she began to gush details, ones that in the light of day and 'after the fact' are really... well, rather hilarious.
She spoke of his quirks, personality flaws, and especially about his sexual inadequacies, ones he apparently was quite proud of. I have to wonder if all guys are clueless to the things THEY like... that simply don't work for women? So we talked about this for a bit, about why guys sometimes do what they do in the bedroom when it only benefits them and leaves their partner... well, unsatisfied.. or turned off completely. With the latter in mind, the real conversation began. She spoke of how the last year of their relationship she'd gone completely bored with him, sexually, how everything he did was for himself, and how he seemed shocked and angry because she was losing interest and couldn't hide it any longer. She spoke of conversations she had with him that, at the time, seemed SO serious...when in retrospect were completely laughable. Hindsight, you know... lol I've had many revelations like that myself.
I felt for her as she told me in great bloody detail how her guy had failed repeatedly to perform. "Hours. We would do it for hours, with his talking and moaning and going on and on and on. I mean, he was so into his performance, into himself that I think he completely forgot I was even there! What the hell?" After a moment's pause and neither of us saying anything... we both started laughing. Suddenly the unspoken part of our mutual understanding of such things became something we could laugh about. This is a good thing.
She told me that he was attempting to perform OS on her and that after some time of his robotic performance she told him to stop...to just stop. Wow, I have to say this one really hit home for me, because the very last time "I" enjoyed or even wanted OS this was done to me, as punishment (a subject for another day). And when she said, "I told him that was it. I didn't want him to ever do that to me again!" Well, we can certainly say this was an epic failure on his part. And as R talked... I could see, like with my previous situation, that this really was the beginning of the end for her.
She spoke of issues beyond sex, the cruelty, the way he made himself scarce in her life... leaving her wide open for meeting someone else, etc. How is it, we both wondered, that guys can be that blind to the things they do that change the way their GF's or wives feel about them?..only to go on to blame her for the relationship eroding? It's a mystery, I'll tell ya. A mystery. But R and I had a lot of laughs as we talked, and she at least was able to get to a point in the conversation where she was focusing on what she REALLY wanted in a guy, a relationship, rather than the time wasted with someone who honestly didn't have her best interest in mind anyway.
"He's not going to even notice I'm gone until, during sex, he looks down and sees that I'm actually not there!" lol I will never forget that phrase! Hilarious.
I'd asked a guy friend of mine about 3 years ago why some men behave this way, and he said that not all guys do, then added... "A lot of guys are attracted to themselves" and added that if the woman makes HIM feel sexy then he feels attracted to her for that reason, that men can actually be turned on by their own performance in bed, rather than the women they're actually in bed with. WOW! I was really shocked to hear this, though I shouldn't have been given my experience.
My friend, whom I will call "C," is extremely intelligent, has a lot of guy friends, women friends, and is fairly open and blunt when he speaks. He'd been warning me about my situation nearly the entire time as he saw things in my relationship that were, in his words, huge warning signs. Should I have listened to him? I don't know, because I believe that everyone that comes into our lives are there for a reason, and it's usually to teach us something. In my case, a couple of things broke, and I mean really broke that I'm pretty sure can't ever be repaired. The experience changed me so significantly in a couple of ways that I just don't see those parts of me ever returning to what they were prior to the relationship.
I can't really can't say here what it is that's broke so completely due to account settings. I'm not sure if anyone 'under age' has stumbled across my blogs or not, so I have to keep some of this on the down-low.... until I change my settings back again to include a warning for adult content. Until then, let's just suffice it to say that while I mourn the parts of me that were shattered in that relationship I do recognize the protective stance I've taken since then. My trust in guys is severely diminished due to what I went through, and I don't allow anyone to reach that vital part of me, of who I am. Maybe this would change if I resumed therapy, which I had to resort to after the break up so I could repair most of what was damaged. But, I'm not exactly sure I'm ready for that, because a huge part of me likes things just as they are.
The person I'm with right now has been flourishing in the 'epic fail' department. He knows, and he's not given any of it any real thought, time, attention, nor is he made any effort to work on things. His bad, because I'm beyond arms-length now and am completely focused on my health and well-being, rather than him. It was a natural course of events as my health plummeted under the onslaught of the past and the damaging effects of the now. As controlling as the previous relationship was, this one is as controlling...but in a very different way. Either way, control doesn't work for me, and I am going to give absolutely everything I have to regaining my health, self-esteem, and repairing my damaged self-respect. These are the only things that matter right now.
R and I had a good conversation, and one that ended with us both laughing. I think she's going to break free from those traumatic bonds and move forward as a strong, single woman. She isn't up for another relationship, and I can certainly understand that on SO many levels! For me, I refuse to be another afterthought, slave, or punching bag for any guy. If I'm not appreciated, then I will appreciate myself first and foremost. It's the least I can do.
The conversation with R has reminded me of things I'd left for dead in my recent past. So be it. I'm sure I needed reminding for some reason. Maybe that will be my motivation to plug ahead with getting my health in check, to become stronger inside and out, and to also remind myself that the choices I've made in light of my past are mine to make and mine to keep. What's done is done, and thought I came out on the other side of things somewhat broken, changed... it's probably for the best.
"STOP!" Some words have lost their effectiveness. As many times as I tell myself to stop with the stupid internal dialogue it has yet to have any real effect on me. Damn, but my inner child is stubborn as hell! But then, all of me tends to be that way. With a lack of a support network I'm left to my own devices, and the on-screen blabbering of an indifferent internet to fill that void. Guess what? NONE of it's working.
Inspiration, more specifically the lack thereof, squashes motivation before it even gets out of the gate. Am I saying I'm uninspired, then I would have to say "YES!" Knowing my situation will only change when I facilitate that change (personally) is enough pressure all on its own, but when I'm told my my cardiologist that I can't exercise until after I have the nuclear stress test and get the results, well, that really puts a massive damper on things. And waiting is just another level of hell.
My subconscious is raging against all that's happening, behaving like a willful, spoiled brat, and one in which I can't exactly order to go stand in the corner somewhere. So the tantrums ensue, unchecked. Yippee.
Yesterday I saw an orthodontist about an oral device that will help with this mild sleep apnea. While waiting in the office I thumbed through a huge binder filled with handwritten testimonies of people who've gotten this device (which is a lot like what you wear to protect your teeth if you grind them in your sleep). Anyway, encouragement and hope literally poured from the pages, and I actually felt myself on the verge of tears at the thought that "I" could really feel THAT good again. There are things I still need to do with regards to my teeth, like get a dental implant for the one I cracked severely from years of grinding my teeth, so that will slow things down a bit. Waiting... has never been my strong point. Delayed gratification sucks when it's something this necessary, vital even.
For every night I spend in poor sleep, I wake to feel as if I'd not slept at all. So how is it that I'm going to be able to wait for the next few weeks in order to deal with the process of getting that dental implant? How in the hell do I make myself okay with feeling like THIS for yet a few more weeks? I really don't know that I can do it. BUT, I have to. They can't have them make that oral device before I have the other done because it won't fit. Ugh.
As my subconscious rages, as it seeks to pout and crawl into a deep, dark hole where it can sulk in private, I'm left with the aftermath of its childish behavior; depression, hopelessness, sadness, bewilderment, and at times anger. Screw this. My subconscious and I need to have a damn talk!
I really could use a support network right now. Having to admit such a frailty is really uncomfortable, I'll have you know. Over the years I've changed from someone who was open, okay with expressing feelings and allowing them to flow through me so I could deal with them, to someone who refuses to cry in front of anyone, to show my vulnerability, and to even express my needs. This unpleasant change began a few years ago and has continued to hold onto the part of me I want back. I feel like a damn hostage inside my own body. Wtf?
I no longer care if I'm heard. My resolve is strong enough that I can take things from here. My guess is that many guys shrug things off and feel justified in their indifference, and I am more than okay with that right now. I'm in a place that indifference, silence, and flipping the switch to autopilot just gives me more time to focus on what I need, healing, happiness and health.
Give me enough space and I will build a universe! And yes, L, you may quote me on that. ;)
Even when I resort to the introvert side of me, or if I'm venting in order to sort through the muddle, I'm a LOT stronger than you think. Don't underestimate me, because others have and discovered quickly that I don't require their help, blessings, or support in such matters. If it comes down to the wire... I've got this!
Yes, it would be nice to have people close to me who are supportive. But I've long since learned that it's not an actual requirement in order to succeed at my goals. of course, there is a lot that's to be said about having a good support network when you're going through difficulties. Still, if that network and support isn't there, I have to resort to my own devices.
It is said that even the strongest of feelings expire when ignored or taken for granted. And this is not the first time I've felt those feelings die inside me....
It's becoming ever clearer to me that I have to take back my life. I resolved a few years ago to not allow another guy treat me badly, and somewhere along the way... I've become my best advocate. How did I manage to get that right? ;) It's all good, because I know what's needed and just have to get to the task of implementing the things I know that work. The lessons learned by a therapist I spoke to a few years ago have become invaluable and necessary.
Don't let anyone tell you there's anything wrong with talking to a therapist. A strong person will look for expert advice when they feel stuck, as I did. While I spoke to her for only a short time, what she revealed to me would forever change my life. I now have tools at my disposal for not only recognizing that which harms me, but also for ensuring I don't become easy prey again.
People cause harm in many ways, right? But we don't often recognize what's happening until the damage is done. The real trick is to stop things before the damage becomes permanent on ANY level. I was only somewhat lucky in that, but the parts of me that were deeply harmed are now the strongest. Go figure. I guess the cliche we all overuse to some some degree actually has merit.
Intention. So this is something we humans also focus on when assessing where we are in a complicated situation. We ask ourselves 'What did they mean?' or 'Did they really mean that?' in scenarios where we're blindsided by the harmful actions or words by another. No matter if I question the other person's motives, because I've learned to ask myself the more important questions: "Am I okay with this, and if not, how am I going to handle things?"
My striving for better health while doctors give me medications that literally counteract that goal means I have very little tolerance for bullshit these days. In this present state of body and mind I have absolutely NO PROBLEM asserting myself. And I will tell you that this is something quite new for me. Somewhere along the line I grew one hell of a backbone. I'm more than okay with this, btw.
Oddly, since being with T I've evolved to focusing less on "love" than on respect and humanity, compassion and kindness. I never EVER ask "Does he love me?" Because, honestly, that means nothing to me right now. I don't equate love with gifts, material things, money, or even someone's physical presence. No, because those things mean nothing if the motivation behind one's actions are self-serving or indifferent. And yes, people CAN give you material things, money, even their time... and not have your best intentions as their motive. I will never be swayed by 'stuff,' nor by someone who feels as if they're doing me a huge favor simply by 'gifting' me with their presence.
If someone is here and yet 'not here,' being alone is far more peaceful, healing, and promoting of good physical and mental health. It's just plain unhealthy to be around someone who is barely, if at all, actually 'there.' But what does this mean, exactly?
A person has the ability to be present while not saying or doing anything. You can sit quietly next to someone and feel their presence. It's unmistakable if you're paying attention. Unfortunately, I've been 'empathic' my entire life, and even as a child I could strongly feel when someone didn't want me around, was angry with me, etc. I assumed everyone was like this, and boy was I ever wrong. Even so, coming to terms with that part of me as an adult was both easy and difficult, because I really didn't know WHAT I was to do with that information.
I can filter somewhat, but not very well what I feel from others.
When being misunderstood becomes a major stressor:
This is a big peeve of mine. Communication breaks down if one party is always over-scrutinizing what the other is saying. Wth can't people just, you know, LISTEN? Why do some people allow the wheels of overthinking to kick in and destroy what would otherwise be a productive conversation? I will never understand this as long as I live. Honestly, just listen to what the other person is saying before you pass judgment on what you THINK they "mean" by their words! I've dealt with this way too much over the past few years, and I'm more about a 50/50 conversation that both people are not only participating in, but equally open-minded in as well.
In my current situation, due to the 'tuning-out' factor, I'm often misunderstood. I mean, if you're not really listening or engaged in the exchange then you're not going to actually HEAR what it is I'm saying. And if you don't WANT to be in the conversation, man-up and say so. There are always other people to talk to. People who've known me for many years understand me, and they do so because they've been a respectful participant in enough conversations with me to know exactly who I am and what I need. And in turn I also understand them and what they need out of the conversation.
This has turned into a bit of a purging session, really, and I've strayed a bit off-course. All of the above is connected, but my goal here today is to talk about what I need and what I'm willing to put up with. The Reader's Digest version of this would be---disrespect is a deal-breaker for me. One for of disrespect is not listening during an important conversation.
