Our own personal static

Being present.  It's not always the easiest thing in the world, is it?  I mean, every single human being on this planet has to deal with pulling themselves back from their own personal static.  It's not about being falsely-focused during a conversation, but rather being genuinely interested, connected, even polite.  The static is always there, always real, and it makes us who we are.  In fact, that static of our own thoughts is a simple by-product of a complex intellect.  And we are all participants in self-indulgence, mired in the buzz and whir of, well, thinking.  There's just too much going on in our heads, right?

Wrong.

I can say with confidence that being ignored isn't one of my favorite things, and yet it is a daily energy-suck that refuses to let go of me.  I live with someone who is chronically in the throes of his own personal static.  Honestly, these days I feel like a ghost, invisible, and as if I have absolutely no voice whatsoever.  It's getting to me.

This entry sat in "Drafts" for some time now, and oddly.. it's relevant to what's going on STILL.  I'm personally tired of the static I'm surrounded by in my everyday life here with T.

More on this another time...

PART I: Deciphering Indifference: Don't waste my time

It's a chronic problem with T.  It's a chronic problem with a lot of people in this world and is more evident now than ever.  People have allowed a destructive numbness to creep into the very fabric of who and what they are.  The consequences of embracing indifference is that it becomes a part of you, defining you, and ultimately destroying everything with its insidious whisperings inside your mind and heart.  It's a comfortably destructive habit that will take everything about you and make it its own.  It walks softly into one's life as a comforting buffer against anything and everything that makes you... FEEL.  And in the throes of its seductive and blinding embrace... you can be ultimately lost forever.

Indifference is like the sting of a mosquito; with just the smallest amount of anesthetic you won't feel the effects until it's too late.

When blind indifference takes hold of a person it's usually a selective process that often singles out just one, at first unwitting, individual.  Damage is done to both sides, but the effects of the one staring into the face of indifference are far greater in intensity and much longer-lasting.  Honestly, as much as we humans try to distance ourselves from the hurtful effects we too often fail at removing ourselves effectively.  That doesn't mean we don't on some level understand what's happening, and usually several attempts are made to make the other aware of what they're doing.  But true to indifference's nature our words, actions, they all fall on completely deaf ears.

I've been through two relationships of indifference, and both times I ended up not caring a flip about that person in the end.

Over the last few years I've come to see indifference from new angles, and I no longer believe that I'm the one who has the responsibility to fix what's happening.  On the contrary.  I wasn't put on planet earth to fix anyone, except myself.  If indifference is really all that person has to offer, they have absolutely nothing to offer.  At least not to me.

While I've focused yet again on 'the thing' that I want to talk about, I haven't actually shared where I am in this whole thing.

Where I am in all of this and why talking about it matters...

In context, indifference matters a great deal when it comes to me and my life, my emotional and physical health.  It directly affects how I go about the course of my life, the details of who I am and what I want and need are blurred beneath the sharp blades that attempt to obliterate all in its path.

Case in point: Following the first IV iron infusion for anemia there were symptoms that I couldn't pin-point, ones that usually put someone on alert.  With my heart and lung issues, having severe breathlessness and chest pressure is one of those things you simply shouldn't ignore, no matter who you are.  A smart person would at least mention it to whoever they're living with, or call someone to let them know what's going on... to be on the safe side.  Though, I have to add that it's a good idea to call someone who actually cares, because the alternative could be deadly.

Roughly about a day and a half after my IV infusion I had an 'event' that evening that startled me.  I had just gotten into bed and found the usual breathlessness that I experience every night (heart issues), but instead of easing a little.. it actually intensified... a LOT.  I found myself feeling as if an elephant was sitting on my chest, and I was gasping for air.  Literally gasping for air.  This went on for about 10 minutes or so until I became so fatigued by it all that I actually fell asleep.  But before I fell asleep I alerted T to what was going on.  He was actually standing near my side of the bed and wide awake, and when I told him what I was feeling, while gasping for air between words, he..said.. absolutely nothing.  Nothing at all.  He went around the other side of the bed and laid down in silence while I continued to gasp for air.

I propped myself up on my side on one elbow, still unable to breathe correctly, still gasping for air and trying to slow down my breathing.. thinking it may help.  I'm not prone to panic attacks and felt no panic at all while this was going on, hence my not insisting I go to the ER.  Was it concerning?  Of course it was!  But I believed it would pass.  And it did.. after I fell asleep.  I was exhausted by the experience.  Utterly exhausted.

The next day T went to work as usual and didn't mentioned what happened the night before.  What this left me with, like several other 'acts of indifference,' was a deep-seated mistrust, and it went so deep to the bone that I cannot shake it no matter what.  But in reality, I don't WANT to shake this mistrust because it's necessary.  This isn't the first time or first issue that's come along to instill a strong self-protectiveness.

T, I have found, doesn't really care much for anything any further than about 6 inches outside his own skin.  He's aware of it, I've tried to talk to him about it, strongly suggested he "Pick something and practice giving a shit," and all for nothing but wasted breath and wasted time.  I don't have any inclination to continue wasting energy and time on someone who's not willing to give a damn.

Whenever something of vital importance arises, T is "absent."  He's not plugged in.  He's not at all invested.  And this is why I grow increasingly weary of involving him in anything important that's going on with me, my health, and so on.  He's basically now on the outside, and he's even indifferent to that.. until he feels it's going to affect him personally in some way.  *sigh*

There will be a PART II to this, because it's a huge huge issue for me, and one that is helping to destroy my health.  It's about time I talk about it ALL, and it's just too much for a single entry.

I'm exhausted.  Deciphering indifference is a huge energy-suck, and I just don't have any energy to spare.  If you don't FEEL anything---don't waste my time!

When you find yourself saying "I'm a light sleeper"...

Until the last few months I really had no idea or understanding of what that phrase actually means.  To someone who is chronically tired, falling asleep during the day, and just not feeling well at all, those words come to have a greater meaning upon discovering that being in a state of 'light sleep' most of the night can have serious consequences, especially over the long haul.

I can't tell you how many times over the past 15 years I've said "I'm a light sleeper."  My kids are grown with kids of their own, but I remember as far back as the 70's, when my first son was born, how I would wake up quickly and thoroughly when they would make even the slightest sound.  It's 'mother's intuition' or 'mother's hearing,' as some call it.  But in the last 15 years I've come to accept this 'light sleeper' thing as simply remnants of that 'mother's hearing,' due in part to the fact that this works with my pets as well.  Just the slightest sound, especially when it sounds 'wrong'... I awaken.

Over the past 6 years or so, at a guess, my sleep patterns have gotten significantly 'off,' leaving me to awaken at ANY sound.  A car passing by my house, the sound of neighbors' voices, rain, thunder, someone just being awake in the same house I'm in, someone using the restroom... I can't really think of much that WON'T wake me.  And very recently I've come to discover the effects of this sort of sleep is cumulative and damaging.

Several months ago I purchased a machine called a ResMed S+ at Bed, Bath & Beyond.  ResMed is the company that makes CPAP machines and masks, and they made this device to help people measure the quality of sleep, help them fall asleep, and also to help them improve their quality of sleep.  What I discovered by using the S+ surprised and shocked me in many ways.  Using a scoring system, with 100 being the best score, I realized just how poor my sleep quality was.

Then I saw a pulmonologist who ordered, among other things, a sleep study where I discovered I have mild sleep apnea.

While the S+ couldn't tell me if I stopped breathing or how many times, it did measure REM, Light, and DEEP sleep, as well as how long it takes me to fall asleep on any given night.  The score is presented each morning.

The image at the top of this entry is a recent score from a couple of days ago.  This is not the worst score I've gotten--not even close.

As you can see, my DEEP sleep is incredibly short at 16 minutes.  That's BAD.  It should be closer to 1 1/5 hours.  REM sleep, on this particular night, isn't all that bad, really, as I've seen it as low as 15-20 minutes.  And LIGHT sleep always seems to dominate my sleep--also not good.

During light sleep a person is actually aware of their surroundings; sound, light, movement, etc.  And yes, this is why some people wake up easily--because they stay mostly in a state of LIGHT sleep.  This is not restorative sleep, btw.  REM mostly restores the mind, and DEEP mostly restores the body.  It's all quite important.

Again, what this machine does NOT show is the little awakenings, cessation of breathing, and other neurological events like restless leg syndrome, even teeth grinding!, which often comes with sleep apnea.  What it does actually show, however, is how many times I woke up completely and totally.  A person may or may not know they woke up every time, depending on how tired/sleepy you are.  So what's so telling about this?

Well, in MY case, as this ONE example shows, I woke up 8 times in one night; I've had many nights where this number has been as high as 14.  And remember, this is not counting the micro awakenings or cessation of breathing.  However, a sleep study has a very complex system of monitoring so that they can find the micro-awakenings, cessation of breathing, and so on.  In mild sleep apnea, for example, events happen 5-10 times PER HOUR.  In severe sleep apnea this can happen hundreds of times per hour.  Mild or severe, this can cause hypertension, heart attack, and stroke.

Basically what this means is---if you find yourself telling people you're a light sleeper, if sounds, movements in the bed, etc. wake you easily, and especially if you have symptoms of sleep apnea, you may want to consider bringing this up to your doctor; It could actually save your life!

In my personal case, I was actually quite amazed at how i felt after the second sleep study I had using a CPAP machine.  I felt pretty darn good the following day.  And while I'm having issues with my skin being tender and sensitive to the mask, etc., I know I'm going in the right direction.

Sleep apnea can cause heart arrhythmias such as Atrial Fibrillation--which is known for causing stroke.  Sleep apnea can also cause various other heart conditions including, but not limited to, congestive heart failure.  And if THAT isn't enough, do know that it can cause weight gain, muscle fatigue, back pain, joint pain not unlike that which comes with arthritis.. and more.

Do you snore?  That's a tell-tell sign of sleep apnea, btw.  Tired, sleepy during the day, snoring at night, fatigue... please listen to your body.

Post-Haste Nutrition

Well.  Sort of.  My first scheduled IV iron infusion is this week (Wednesday), and I'm curious to see how my body will respond to this much-needed treatment.  While so much is going on, a bigger part of me is intensely hopeful that this, and addressing other issues, will be one of the biggest turning points with my health and happiness (or lack thereof).  And trust me, if you don't have good health, having any happiness is something you have to actively seek.  I believe happiness should just 'be.'  Sounds overly simplistic and unrealistic at first, but all of us know in our heart of hearts that this is exactly the way happiness works.

Dare to dream, dare to move, dare to question absolutely everything that's going wrong; this is what I'm doing now.  Even I know that I can't rely on infusions to create happiness.  But it's a great place to start.

Clearly my approach with my health has been with the very best of intentions, and the progress of uncovering what needs correcting has been revealed to a point that I have some direction to follow, finally.  There on the horizon I can finally see the sun.  My next step... is to feel the warmth.  THAT'S when I know I'm getting there!

Another recent event was the sleep study, which revealed central sleep apnea.  Some speculation has been made that my low vitamin D (which is actually a hormone, btw) is causing a chain-reaction of health issues.  Funny thing, though, is that a simple correction of Vitamin D levels won't do the trick. So I'm also having to embark of the sleep apnea thing, and it seems as if it's all very related.  No matter, I'll just be a nice, compliant patient and follow all rules of treatment with regards to the sleep apnea, iron deficiency, and vitamin D deficiency.  As for the lung issues, heart issues, etc... well those will have to wait until my next appt with my pulmonologist and cardiologist.

My goal is to resolve the issues, get my energy back, and work like hell to get back on top of things again.

As for the f'd up relationship issues, those will be addressed by T, or I will continue to allow what comes naturally; self-preservation.

Stay tuned, because once the post-haste nutrition (IV iron infusion) is administered, and all other treatments are underway, I fully expect to find my courage to FINALLY speak bluntly here again.

It will happen.

Have you seen my alter egos?

.... I think they're playing a disturbing game of hide and seek.  Just kidding!  For the sake of clarity, for anyone new to reading the entries of this blog, my 'alter egos' is a reference to my other blogs, ones which I try to update as often as possible.  At times, I copy and paste the same entry as the first blog I began with, but I try very hard to post what's relevant to that blog.  Trust me, my blogs aren't supposed to be created equal. ;)

You can find the Alter Ego links in the menu bar on the side of the page, if you're curious and new to my blogs.  And why do I have other blogs?  Basically, they were all set apart for specific purposes; dreams and wishes, passions/life/desire/health, and the transient things that, by their very nature aren't always meant to sustain themselves in my life, or... at times... on 'the page.'  Naturally, all of the parts make up the whole, so overlapping is common and necessary sometimes.

I have to admit I've held back a lot over the past few months, whereas in the past I've pretty much unloaded here.  I won't go into why I began withholding what I really wanted to write, but the experiences took hold and held on for dear life.  It wasn't my intention for things to go that way.  But they did anyway.

My goal going forward is to find myself in a place of trust.  This will be a process, because my past being what it is, well, it's just going to take some time is all.  I'll get there.

Boo's Juicy Bits, and the Return to Focus

This blog began as a ways and means to talk, often with humor, about health, wholeness, eating, thriving, living, body/mind/soul, and sometimes to share the naughty side of me.  It's gotten WAY off-track over the past few months due to declining health.  Well, those health issues are being addressed, and treatment begins today/tonight.. and next week.  At least with regards to the issues of sleep apnea and iron deficiency anemia.

Getting back on track with posting and sharing here is going to be a major switch in some ways, as I've had to focus far too much on doctor appointments, treatments, and so forth.  But I think it's time, you know, to get back to the part of 'living.'  Doesn't mean I won't have moments where I vent about my relationship issues, dreams, passions, and the like.  It just means that I think since I'm on my way to resolutions for my health issues... it's time to focus on what's ahead.

It just makes good sense.

So what's next with diet, exercise, vibrant physical, mental/emotional health?  Well, that's just the thing.  Tonight will be the first night I use a CPAP machine, and I already know the one night I used it at the sleep center.. I felt quite different the following day, and I returned to my usual fatigued, miserable self the night after WITHOUT the CPAP.  I see much hope in that.  And with next week being the first treatment for the iron deficiency.. I'm actually getting excited about seeing things improve over the days and weeks ahead.  This is going to be a journey of my life, really.

As my focus shifts to hopeful events, positive outcomes, and anticipation for those things not yet addressed (lung and heart issues), I will also have a lot more focus here.

It's about time, isn't it?  ;)

PART 1: IV infusion... here's to more energy and lack of major symptoms?

So I got the call yesterday that my labs confirmed the iron deficiency and that I will be scheduled for an IV infusion.  It will take about 30 minutes for the infusion (not bad), and another 30 mins for observation for any reactions...which can be quite severe/dangerous (anaphylactic shock).  Then I have to go for a second treatment one week later, then it's observation from there to watch for any declines in ferritin, and also to see if the levels are increasing to where they should be.

I'm really hoping this will take care of the awful fatigue and other symptoms, which may not be all due to the ID/IDA with all the other issues going on.  It will be nice to have my body temp in a more normal range where I don't feel as if I'm freezing all of the time.  My temp at the doctor's office yesterday was 96.0*F.. it's been running very low like that for some time, I'm assuming, from the ID/IDA.

Let's just say... these are all steps in the direction of obtaining better health.