The Dangers of Being Honest

Honesty has become a vulnerability.  People who speak their minds honesty are often faced with ridicule and contempt by those who have opposing views. I believe most of us get this and have experienced that ridicule first-hand.  While a valuable lesson, that ridicule and backlash, while it reminds us how we should choose our words carefully, we must always remember that honesty is STILL the best policy, and that lying by omission... is STILL lying.

A friend who reads all my blogs, and I mean every entry (bless her heart), sent me a message and said, "I don't know how you do it. Aren't you scared of haters bashing you?"  Well, no.. I'm not.  I refuse to allow haters and bullies to dictate how I think, behave, react or don't react to any given situation.  I mean, once you give away your power it's really hard to get it back.  It's best not to give your power to another to begin with.

I've relinquished my power to haters and bullies in my past.  My entire life, up until about 3 years ago, I learned to suppress my feelings, to bury anger deep, to hide the foundations of any feelings I had.  Not to say I wasn't emotional, because BOY was I ever.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve for the entire world to see.  But when it came down to recognizing for more than a second what created those emotions, and when it came down to standing up for myself, that's where everything fell apart, and it did so because I was taught early on that having those emotions.. was a bad thing.

I no longer think that, and because I no longer think that I FEEL more intensely those emotions I used to keep in check to the point of denial.  It's been a liberating process, being able to access feelings like that.  I don't have to apologize to anyone for having those feelings, and I reserve apologies now for when I HANDLE those feelings badly; thankfully this is seldom an issue.  So when someone writes me and is worried because I allowed the emotions and thoughts etc to flow freely on the pages here, or in my other blogs, I DO take into consideration what they're saying, but I also take into consideration that I've come a very long way to not only reach my feelings and access them more fully than before, but that it's MORE than OKAY to express them.

There is a danger to being honest.  There's a danger in speaking freely at times.  There's a risk that you won't please one person or another person, etc.  Not everyone is going to like what I'm saying.  But so what?  There will be those who DO, and it's with those people that the unspoken camaraderie is expressed and felt.  What I say, what I express, actually has helped people, and it's certainly helped me.  So I've no intention of changing this, just so everyone here is clear on where I stand.

I will accept the dangers of honesty and continue to be honest, sometimes bluntly, and I will take into consideration the edges honesty has by definition.  I'm not out to hurt anyone, and this is why I name NO names here as to whom I'm speaking about.. IF I'm speaking about someone else.  It occurs to me that having to say this means I'm still aware, very aware, of the risks I take.  But it doesn't matter.. I'm not here to write fiction or make things look better or worse than they actually are.

I'm going to be myself, haters and bullies be-damned.  No one should give up pieces of themselves for others to devour, and that's exactly what you do when you censor your words, thoughts, and feelings in a place or forum where you're there to speak your mind.  People can choose to read or not read, listen or not listen.  Actions are a choice.

So to my friend, though we've spoken about this at length--I hear you.  And I'm okay.  I'm okay with what any hater or bully thinks about me, because I don't answer to them.  And.. you shouldn't either.

OMG Prednisone! STOP IT!

So, as you guys know I began using Shakeology again.  Which is a VERY good thing, btw.  However, what's NOT so good is that this dang prednisone hell I'm in makes me hungry, VERY hungry like 24/7.  *sigh*  I know I'm still doing something great for my body by having that nutritious shake for breakfast each day, but how the hell am I supposed to thwart the PredMonster with a shake?  Ugh.  I'm not going to win that battle, as others who've had to use this stuff long-term can attest.  But dang it!  I'm GOING to have to do something.

My doctor said, "It will make you gain weight.  It's going to.  Which is why we're going to get you off this stuff soon."  Well, yeah.. I certainly hope so!  I mean, even after coming off prednisone, which takes a while, the effects can last up to TWO YEARS.  It's only been about a year and a half since the last round of Pred, and I was struggling like crazy to get even a few pounds off without resorting to extreme remedies such as a long juice-fast.  Seriously, my body can't take another fast, because it's not great for your liver if you have liver issues already.

T... well meaning most of the time but indifferent as hell.  That indifference means he doesn't pay attention to anything I talk to him about, tell him, warn him about, nor does he remember most of what I tell him I need to do and not do with regards to eating.  It all just falls to the wayside the second he sees and seizes an opportunity for a quick meal.  I can't do quick meals anymore.  I can't do the salt, sugar, fat, and heavily processed carbs.  I can't.  While on this medication (prednisone) I have to steer clear of things that are going to wreck my health.

One of the risks with long-term prednisone is hypertension, and another lovely one is type II diabetes brought about by the drug itself.  Hypertension and diabetes.  Salt and sugar.  So what does T do?  He decides it's just easier if HE goes to the grocery store and gets whatever, because it's on his way home etc.  And what does he bring home?...?...

PopTarts.
Pastries.
Chips.
Dip.
Frozen/pre-packaged meals in a box or bag.
Ice-cream.
Cherry pastries.
....etc.

And the above was in ONE trip!  Just yesterday.  *sigh*

When your hunger is kicked into high gear ALL OF THE TIME, and you have all that junk sitting around, it's nearly impossible to not snack all day.  And pred, oddly, can dull your taste buds so that healthy, nutritious food fails miserably in the flavor dept.  I mean, dull, bland, and about as tasty as wet cardboard.  Not that I know what wet cardboard tastes like, mind you, but I would imagine it would be about like what I taste when I eat steamed veggies.

Shakeology is an investment in one's health, and it's not a cheap investment either.  So how in the hell am I to get anywhere near healthy if I have a Shakeology shake for breakfast, only to follow it up with a cherry pastry about an hour later?

I've sent food with T to work over this very thing.  When he brings junk food home I usually tell him to take it to his work and leave it there, eat it, or share it with coworkers.  I just need it OUT OF THE HOUSE and away from temptation.

Is that so much to ask?

My next move is to begin research on a home exercise bike, one of high quality.  Exercise tends to make a person WANT to eat better, make better choices.  Maybe, just maybe this will do the trick.  As for stopping T from bringing home junk food, well, I've no idea how to stop that just yet.

God help me...

Shakeology--a skipped day way too soon

So if you've read my other blogs you know it was a busy day with a rough beginning.  I'm lacking sleep and too tired to get my head on straight.  Hell, that just takes too much energy, and right now I'm in the throes of needing a nap.  It's crazy, but this day is going to continue being busy as the cable guy AND a contractor is coming over to look at a couple of things that need addressing.  I'm afraid at this point T will be the only one dealing with those two visitors, because I'm most likely going to be sacked out when that time comes.

He can handle it.

As for me, I didn't eat breakfast until after my first appointment today.  No Shakeology shake to help infuse the good stuff in a body that needs really needs it, and just a tad overboard with salt today which is at the moment kicking my ass in more ways than I can describe.

I like the way Shakeology tastes, and I love having it for breakfast.  However, today it may just end up being a supplement to the days' intake of nutrition because I don't see having it for dinner.  I'm starting Azathioprine and MUST take it with a large meal or risk the lovely vomiting episodes that ensure shortly after ingesting on an empty, or mostly empty stomach.  No thank you, I don't don't do the vomiting thing if I can help it.  It's a balancing act, really, trying to drink this, take that, eat this or that at particular times and so on and so forth.  I'm sure I'll get used to it--just not today.

It's been a long day so far.  A very, very long day.

C'mon bedtime--you simply can't get her fast enough.

P.S.  Nausea, you can get the hell out of my life now, thank you very much.

Because the Discussion Changes

It's not in one place.  If you're new here, this is what you need to know about my blogs.  The problem with putting all thoughts into one place is that looking for relevant information becomes a treasure hunt of sorts where you only find the dragon in the end, rather than the gold. Okay, so I'm not saying what I have to say from one day or one moment to the next is 'gold,' but my sense of humor is working overtime today... just bear with me on that, okay? ;)

This Free Spirit is one such place, the newest in the corridors here.  It's kind of my safe place, in a way, though visiting the ghosts of the past is often the case.  "Abuse Bonds Broken" is, for me, a way to help myself, and to help others, who've dealt with malignant narcissists.  It's really not always about the worst of the situation, nor is it always just about purging the demons.  My goal there is to help, but to also bring healing for myself in the process.  And process, I do.. more times than not, this is exactly what I'm doing there.

The stories and such aren't often pretty.  But life with a narcissist and emotional abuser rarely is, right?  In essence--you're not going to find unicorns there.

Where Fireflies Dream is a place where the sun is SUPPOSED to shine a little brighter, where life is a little lighter, fuller....  But let's face it; as life smacks me up-side the head on occasion, the lines between the great and not-so-great begin to blur.  In essence--you won't often find unicorns here either.  But I'm trying...

All Things Ephemeral .... because the discussion changes.  This was the original blog, the one where most of the laughter, contemplation, silliness, passion, and tears were cast upon the pages.  It was overwhelming at first, really, because there were NO lines drawn between anything; it began as a place to purge anything and everything.  This also used to result in many posts being deleted.  Yes, I still do that on occasion, delete posts, but very rarely now.

Boo's Juicy Bits  Well, now THIS one has gone absolutely rogue, I have to admit.  It began when I started juicing, then evolved as I embarked on a healthier diet, then went completely rogue because of the health issues that have come on board.  This blog... let's just say ANYTHING could end up here.

Why?  Because the discussion changes!  And because we live in a world that has become increasingly indifferent, where people can't 'concern' themselves with the emotions, experiences, etc. of another human being.  This is not accusatory, by the way.  It's simply a sad fact.

While not everyone is safely wading in that comfortable pool of ones own life, some are simply unable to step out... be vulnerable.  No matter.  These blogs... are just me stepping out of that comfortable place.

PART 2: Priorities Revealed

Assuming you've read PART 1, I won't rehash the entire experience.  And I've spoken of my disappointment (for lack of a better word) in that T has the worst hierarchy of priorities that I've seen in a few years.  And in light of his absence during yesterday's procedure shows me more than ever where he is, who he is, and what he is.

When I was informed yesterday that the procedure I was having was more serious and carries far more risk than 'just' the biopsy I thought I was having, my radiologist asked me if I had anyone there with me.  The fact that I was alone in the section where I waited to be taken to my procedure didn't deter him from asking, because.. after all... I was the only patient there who didn't have anyone with them.

I told him T had dropped me off and went to work;  and he just looked at me for a moment, sat down, and began telling me (using straight-forward language) how "Tricky" the procedure I was going to have, how serious it was, and about the risks involved.  He said if I wanted to call T and give him an opportunity to come back to the hospital so he could be there as it's being done that they would hold off on performing the procedure until he arrived.  The radiologist left the room, and I called T...

T's reaction?  "Well, they have my contact information so that if anything happens they can call and I will come there."

I sat there for a split-second taking in his response, then was filled with the overwhelming need to hang up the phone, to NOT hear his voice at all.  And while this isn't the first time I've felt this reaction, it was by far the strongest I've felt.  I instantly went into self-preservation mode and wanted him nowhere near me.

The nurses, doctors, and other supportive medical staff were the only ones who made me feel like I wasn't completely alone.  I accepted that for what it was and allowed myself to just focus on what was about to happen and put T far, far out of my mind.  In fact, to be honest, he didn't enter my mind at all until at the end of recovery when I was told I was being released.

What does this mean?  That's not a question I'm asking myself, because I already know the answer.  I've been there, done that in the past with someone not giving a crap about my health, my well-being, and diminishing what I was going through or dealing with.  Has society really become a nation of zombies who have nothing but bricks for hearts?  I'm certainly beginning to think so.

I was supposed to go home and rest, not strain myself, no lifting, not even driving.  But T had other plans, ones that made HIS life ultimately easier.  Because that's what it all boils down to.  The aching in my neck and liver had begun, so I prayed that the medication I was given at the hospital would kick in soon and I at least wouldn't be in pain.

A heart cath is scheduled for the 19th of this month (November), and I was given a lab order to get blood work done prior to that day, as soon as possible.  T decided that since I was "Already out and about" that I should go to the lab to get the blood drawn.  I was painful, loopy, tired, and I wasn't at all up to walking through a parking garage and hospital in order to get blood drawn.  I just wanted to go home and rest.  That's all.  Just go home and rest.  But that wasn't about to happen.  T would have his way, and I would simply have to suck it up and deal with the unpleasantness.

This isn't the first time I've been with someone who lacks compassion, but at least I now know how to deal with it while protecting myself at the same time... thanks to a couple of past relationships.  At least I was smart enough to learn from the experiences, and while those lessons were necessary and taught me much, it doesn't mean I'm not feeling the effects of what's happening.

Deja vu.

I'm still processing everything, having just gone through this yesterday.  I've no real thoughts on the matter other than the obvious that one would expect to have after such.

I'll come to terms with things---perhaps when I feel stronger.

PART 2: Selfishness as a matter of convenience (Where's the respect??)

I'm unimpressed.  I'm completely unimpressed by T, and by the way most guys treat women.  In my particular case, the disrespect is dehumanizing, demoralizing, belittling, and disappointing beyond anything I've known.  It's not just this relationship, but in the past as well.  My choices have NOT been the greatest, and my guess it's because I'm trusting and take people at face-value.  This is NOT a good thing.  At all.

As of yesterday a new low has been established, and I'm in no position to do anything about it.  Thus is the case when dealing with control freaks who refuse to see that they're actions are completely selfish and self-serving.  DON'T VOLUNTEER to do something for someone if you're only going to use it to gain control over that person!  DAMN!  How hard is that to understand?

All my doctor's appointments are now between my doctors and T.  Why?  Because ALL appointments aren't about what's necessary, or needed, or critical, or about doing tests etc in a 'timely fashion.'  Nope.  NOW my appointments are about what's convenient for T.  It's about what he does or does not feel like doing, what works with his schedule (he's been told he needs to use a lot of his leave or lose it), and none of it has a thing to do with... me, you know, the actual patient.

Yesterday was a disaster, stressful beyond reason, frustrating in that I'm basically told I no longer have any control on when or what time I get an appointment.  *sigh*  One major symptom of late makes it dangerous for me to drive much beyond a few miles of my house.  Dizziness/vertigo doesn't exactly translate into "safe driving."  So I'm stuck for the time being, screwed beyond reason, because I have to wait for T to decide when I can see my ENT or Neurologist regarding the severe tinnitus, vertigo and dizziness that's come on over the past couple of weeks.  I sit.  And I wait.  For HIM to decide when it's a good time to see the doctor about this.

Why the F***K am I here????!!!!  Being here is unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.  It's detrimental to my health and well-being, and the inner workings of living in this house with T has destroyed my quality of life.

Now, some of you know my recent history with relationships and know what I've gone through.  I also know what you're most likely going to say to me and expect that email eventually.  It's okay.  Send it on.  Maybe I need to hear that.. 'again.' ;)  Either way, you're most likely seeing something familiar in all of what I'm writing, in which case I will say... I do too.

More later.  I promise... the flood gates are open now...

Finally.

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

PART II: You can't treat me this way

I no longer care if I'm heard.  My resolve is strong enough that I can take things from here.  My guess is that many guys shrug things off and feel justified in their indifference, and I am more than okay with that right now.  I'm in a place that indifference, silence, and flipping the switch to autopilot just gives me more time to focus on what I need, healing, happiness and health.

Give me enough space and I will build a universe!  And yes, L, you may quote me on that. ;)

Even when I resort to the introvert side of me, or if I'm venting in order to sort through the muddle, I'm a LOT stronger than you think.  Don't underestimate me, because others have and discovered quickly that I don't require their help, blessings, or support in such matters.  If it comes down to the wire... I've got this!

Yes, it would be nice to have people close to me who are supportive.  But I've long since learned that it's not an actual requirement in order to succeed at my goals.  of course, there is a lot that's to be said about having a good support network when you're going through difficulties.  Still, if that network and support isn't there, I have to resort to my own devices.

This is where I am right now.

....Will continue this soon...

I am...

I am a person, a human, a woman, someone with feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, intelligence, passion, and a heart.  I feel, breathe, think, love, hope, hurt, give, and bleed.  I am sensitive, patient, empathetic, sympathetic, spiritual, and I feel deeply what is sent my way.  My pain is real.  My joy is real.  My love is real.

I am real.

Because I am, I feel.  Because I think, I feel.  Because I breathe, I feel.  Because I have a soul, I feel.  And what I feel is exactly everything.  When you speak, I feel your words, and when you don't, I feel that as well.

I hear you when you're not talking.  I see you when you're not there.  My mind, soul, spirit and heart remembers everything.  I feel everything you've said, done, not said and not done, and it has changed parts of me, of who I am.  But I will find a way and strive each and every day to heal, to restore all that I once was.

The parts of me you broke with your words and actions, or inactions, are still there.  Every shattered part of me holds on and waits to be healed.

I am healing, though much slower than I'd hoped.

Inside there are are pieces that aren't mine at all but harmful remnants of an experience that threatened to change me completely, insidious shrapnel of an emotional war I never wanted to be a part of.

I'm passed the part where I forgive myself for willingly allowing myself to think everything I experienced was okay.  I apologized for allowing so much harm to be done as I did nothing.  I no longer ask myself 'why' I didn't exit much sooner than I did.  I've come to the conclusion that some things I will most likely never come to terms with, maybe not even completely heal from.  I can't say goodbye or get closure from someone who basically didn't actually exist.  Realizing that everything you thought you knew about someone wasn't real is beyond difficult, because there is no one to say goodbye to when the relationship ends.

I will heal.  Eventually I will be fully me again.  But there is much to sort out even now.  The wound opens time and time again because closure wasn't possible, and I work to forgive, repeatedly repair the damage that never seems to fully heal.

Anger is part of the process of letting go.  In the stages of loss, which happens with breakups, one must absolutely feel every stage.  But who am I to be angry at, sad over, etc?  The person I fell in love with, in the end, revealed so much about themselves as their guard went down that I didn't even recognize them.  At all.  I was allowed to see what they wanted me to see early-on, and I fell in love with THAT person, a person who disappeared completely and was replaced by.... a stranger.  I did not recognize that person and never saw the one I'd fallen in love with again.  So when things finally ended, there I was, wondering who I was supposed to say goodbye to.

More on this later as it's bigger than I'm able to speak about or even deal with in-short.

Is this the beginning of getting back to me again?

To speak in uncertain terms

I literally just wrote several paragraphs before deleting every one of them.  It's my state of mind at the moment, I suppose, really feeling like I need to talk about so much but finding the words impossible to convey what's needed.  Speaking my mind these days isn't always easy, and trying to speak my mind in uncertain terms usually ends up being the case.  Where did the girl go who could quite easily let it all flow out onto the page, or screen as it were?  Dammit.

Where is my voice?  Have I simply worn myself out by expressing what I feel and need?  Is there some cutoff inside that totally prohibits discussion on a matter that's been beaten to death with no resolution from the other side?  Where the hell is my voice?!

Too much going on.  Too much unresolved issues.  Too much indifference.  Too much passive-aggressive controlling from T.  Too many unspoken and unreasonable demands put upon me.  At some point a person under "Too much" gives in, gives up, or gives out; I tend to vacillate between all three.

When I speak, to whom do I speak?  That's a rhetorical question, btw.  I need to talk about what's going on with my health, my lack of any quality of life, my concerns, my needs, my life.  And yet, here I am pouring out what I need to talk about online, rather than talking about what I need.  Geez.  I'm starting to not make much sense, but I'm sure a few of you get where I'm coming from.  It's a familiar place to many, though probably not to all.  This place, this unhealthy place where I am right now, is actually making it more difficult to speak my mind.

Have I developed so much mistrust in people that I can't bring myself to actually say what I need to say?  This has been an ongoing theme in my life (and here) for quite some time now, and where I was once able to pour out my heart and soul and mind freely, it just seems as if every part of me that should be free is tightly shackled, gagged, and sedated by defeat.  That's not a good thing.

Once upon a time I would pour out my soul here.  Those of you who've been reading my blogs know exactly what I'm talking about.  Wether I was raging, hopeful, dreaming, wishful, happy, sad, surprised, or any other number of feelings... I was able to convey everything clearly right here, even if I weren't speaking to anyone else face-to-face.  So what's happened?

I know the answer already, though it's really difficult to say 'out loud.'  But as a first step to getting over this wall, or breaking it down, I can honestly say that I am a product of my recent history, and by 'recent' I mean over the last few years.

After being raged at and punished for speaking my mind the wall was built.  I really didn't know it was happening on all levels, but deep inside I knew, and I let it happen.  Frankly, it was absolutely necessary when it was happening.  The wall went up to protect myself, and now I can't seem to break it down again.

So, how does one get past this?  *shrugs*  Beats me.  But it needs to be done.  HAS to be done.

*sigh*

Boo's Juicy Bits, and the Return to Focus

This blog began as a ways and means to talk, often with humor, about health, wholeness, eating, thriving, living, body/mind/soul, and sometimes to share the naughty side of me.  It's gotten WAY off-track over the past few months due to declining health.  Well, those health issues are being addressed, and treatment begins today/tonight.. and next week.  At least with regards to the issues of sleep apnea and iron deficiency anemia.

Getting back on track with posting and sharing here is going to be a major switch in some ways, as I've had to focus far too much on doctor appointments, treatments, and so forth.  But I think it's time, you know, to get back to the part of 'living.'  Doesn't mean I won't have moments where I vent about my relationship issues, dreams, passions, and the like.  It just means that I think since I'm on my way to resolutions for my health issues... it's time to focus on what's ahead.

It just makes good sense.

So what's next with diet, exercise, vibrant physical, mental/emotional health?  Well, that's just the thing.  Tonight will be the first night I use a CPAP machine, and I already know the one night I used it at the sleep center.. I felt quite different the following day, and I returned to my usual fatigued, miserable self the night after WITHOUT the CPAP.  I see much hope in that.  And with next week being the first treatment for the iron deficiency.. I'm actually getting excited about seeing things improve over the days and weeks ahead.  This is going to be a journey of my life, really.

As my focus shifts to hopeful events, positive outcomes, and anticipation for those things not yet addressed (lung and heart issues), I will also have a lot more focus here.

It's about time, isn't it?  ;)

Dear Subconscious... SHUT UP!!

These dreams.  You know.  I've talked about them in past entries.  They're always quite memorable.  They don't leave me be but haunt me throughout the days, nights... in far too many waking moments. They arrive, unbidden, though I do admit to having contemplated the why's and wherefore's of their appearance.  Especially now.  Maybe because of now.  Not one damn answer as to why....

Dwelling on these dreams isn't a 'thing' with me, and most of the time it's just this haunting feeling I get... that eventually eases as the day, or days, go on.  The intensity of their message(s) increases with each subsequent dream, and I just don't know what to think about them.  It's just freaking weird.

Dear subconscious....  SHUT UP!

The sound of my voice--just one presence in the world

To be heard---is not a difficult or complicated request.  And the weirdest part about not being heard is then when you take a moment out of your life to listen to your own voice, you find a unique opportunity to connect with your very presence in the world.  Now, before you confuse this with being self-absorbed or a narcissistic "Need to hear your own voice," allow me to put it into perspective and context.

Perspective, Context, life!

Take a moment and read a poem out loud to yourself.  Only to yourself.  Listen carefully to your voice and imagine your voice not ever being heard again.. not by you, not by anyone.

Listen not to the words, but to your voice.  Do you hear both the subtle and distinct sounds and nuances that make your voice completely unique?  When was the last time you even thought about your voice?...?

Is your tone soft, clear, muted, or resonant?  Do you hear emotion as you speak, and if so... what is it in your voice that tells the world where you are, how you feel?

Your very breath is in your voice...

What do you sound like?

So many people take this for granted.  That deep disconnection from self is more evident when you sit alone in a quiet place and listen to the sound of your own voice.  Poetry...or words from your favorite novel... what does it sound like when you recite them?

After you've read that poem, or those chosen words from a book (make it meaningful).  Now, stop talking and listen to the silence that follows...

....Stop talking and listen now to the silence that follows.  That is the absence of the sound of your voice...

Think about it.

You found a what?

Well, yesterday's appt did NOT go the way I expected.  At all.  Not.  At.  All.

So I went for my follow-up appointment with my pulmonologist yesterday, mostly to discuss chest CT and sleep study results.  The minor part is that they found 'mild sleep apnea.'  Ok.  Then he went on to discuss the lung nodule...and something else they found on the CT.

Doctor F stated that the lung nodule was slightly larger, but it also is "Very strange looking."  He went on to explain that there is a "Tubule" attached to the nodule that the radiologist says "May" be due to an impacted/clogged something-or-other-that-I-can't-rember due to my inability to sleep work a f*ck!  Sorry for the potty mouth, but it's true.  Anyway, the nodule is odd and he said he has to "Think about it a bit..." and may possibly do another CT scan, only with contrast this time.  He's not sure, because he doesn't know what to make of the findings.

Then he said there is another nodule... 1.9 x .5 cm... in my breast.  Well K den.

Next week I have to have another mammogram, and they're insisting they MUST have the last one that I had first, the imaging.  I'm a little spooked by this.  No one is telling me the characteristics of the nodule, and now I understand why the imaging center flat refused to give me a copy of the report... that was finished the day after my CT.  Normally.. I have no issues getting copies of lab or imaging reports.

I also have to see a hematologist (possibly) for the anemia, because the colonoscopy and EGD did NOT show any causes of the anemia.  I will start Rx iron pills today or tomorrow, though.  Hoping I can tolerate those.

Now the big, fat, giant wait.  Again.  Seriously?

I'm nervous about the mammogram, obviously, but the worst part is T's attitude.  He is just mostly put out because I wanted him to give me a ride there, to be with me while I have this screening.  He basically complained, meaning it was an inconvenience.  I simply told him, never mind... I will take myself!  I certainly don't need some whining, self-absorbed, watch-checking complainer coming with me on THE SCARIEST and most stressful test to-date.  Mr. Indifference needs to keep his distance, because what I need right now is far from whining, complaining, etc.

Yes.  It's time to be a little pissed about this.  And I am.

Dammit!!

So what of the heart, home, a place where my soul can feel uplifted, rejuvenated, allowed to grow and breathe and soar?  Dunno.  Still waiting on that one, I guess.  Dealing with the anemia is a start.  PC doc is referring me to a hematologist to see what the cause is.

Dammit again!

*sigh*

Seclusion

Never really a good idea.  Just saying.

I've had a bad time of writing here lately, always so unsure of what I'm doing or where I'm going.  Let's face it--I'm stuck.  Not for a lack of trying, but mostly for a lack of motivation and guidance.  I can't even begin to tell you how tough it is to be mostly isolated while trying to reach out.

WTH is that all about anyway?

My sense of direction right now is also f*cked up.  Too much is unknown for me to pick a direction, a focus, anything that would remotely help me to get up again.  Yes, the health issue is greatly responsible for what I have to deal with from day to day, and not having definitive answers makes things even worse.  Freaking limbo.  Damn.

Well, I guess I do have ONE direction/focus---health.  It will have to do for now.  But honestly, I'm going to plan for a vacation...at the least, a short road trip to somewhere where I can take in the scenery and renew my soul.

Yeah.  Most definitely.

When a post sits in draft for over 2 years

8/6/2013 I wrote an entry I never published.  It sits even now in 'draft' while I refuse to make it go away once and for all.  I'm not sure what to make of it, and I'm definitely not sure what to say about it.  I only know that from time to time I read it to make sure, perhaps, that I don't forget.

What the hell
does that
even
mean?

The taste of life, of health, of... freedom.

Life, freedom to be myself, to express who I am and indulge in my passions for art, photography, animals, photography, reading, or anything I choose.  There is nothing sweeter, is there?  Nothing at all.

That craving for the sweetness of a life fully lived---it happens when you're in an emotional deficit, when everything you attempt is met with argument, indifference, and someone else's utter need to control you.  Me in this case.  Let's just say it like it is.

Freedom is necessary and vital for me right now.  I have to survive a few things going on with my health, issues that have yet to be only somewhat identified.  Less than a week and I see a Dr., one I hope will have the answers, or at least have the determination to get to the bottom of things.  Healing requires freedom, the absence of any outside, controlling person or people.  It's critical for healing, having the freedom to be yourself fully and to breathe.  To breathe.

I can't breathe.  Who can when someone is standing on your oxygen supply?

All the healthy food in the world won't help if you can't breathe, when someone tries to control your life so completely that the walls close in.

I just want to step out into the sun and dip my foot in the lake.

Does anyone get at all what I'm saying?

The Art of Self-Preservation, Control Freaks, Indifference, and Mastering Compassion

Been there, done that, and doing it again.  It's built-in now, I suppose, that automatic retreat/withdrawal to assume the emotional posturing of protectiveness.. of self.  I'm fairly sure that it's just one of those things that are an integral part of me now, a learned response that I've had a few years to become quite proficient at.  All said, I don't see it as a bad thing.

Weekends are hard now, difficult in many ways because I can't retreat so a safe [physical] place so I can catch my breath and find my bearings.  Maybe it's for the best, really, because that would give me far too much time to contemplate the questions I believe I really don't want the answer to.  Such as.. why do people do the things they do to someone they claim to love, and why remorse, apologies, and just simple human kindness is lost on people now... my better half included?  That's definitely a rhetorical question, because that question most likely doesn't have an answer.  Not a all-inclusive answer, anyway.  So be it.  Maybe it's just one of those unpleasant phenomenons that you just learn to cope with, or not, depending on who you are, your past history, etc.  Either way, I don't cope with this sort of thing well, and its effects on me.. suck in every way imaginable.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time, and those of us with open minds and hearts know all too well how the hard parts serve to teach and strengthen us.  I'm no exception.  I know the value of lessons learned, very much, and they've changed me along the way in my life.  They had to.  Anyone who doesn't change in the process of growing is just spinning their wheels.  I mean, how do you expect to move forward and become the person you are meant to be if you're sitting stagnant in some kind of fairytale land of your own making?  And you guys know that place---we all do--- and it's often a place people retreat to rather than facing and dealing with a situation.  I've never lived in that fantasy world, and I never will.

But there are those who make it very difficult, the people or person in our lives that attempt to micromanage ever move we make, the way we think, and what we do.  Too often those people (or person) attempts to filter our lives through their own.  What I mean by this is... those people who filter who and what you are, your life choices, your wants, needs, passions, wishes, dreams, philosophies, even your decisions through themselves, thus trying to force you to be, think, act, and feel just like them.  If you allow someone to do this to you, I promise, you will lose yourself along the way.

As you lose control, and this can happen in a slow and insidious way, you will see the negative effects in your life, your person, you body, and even in your spirit.  It's a lot like being crushed from the inside-out.  It's damaging.  It's dangerous.  And it will wreck you in the end.

Who wants to be disassembled piece by piece?


On the flip side of these controlling people is the indifference.  It shows itself when you try to be who you are, live like you're in YOUR life and not anyone else's.  Their response can be anything from being flippant to utter indifference.  The latter is often the case, I've found.  I guess it's just easier for them because it requires very little effort.  But that indifference is felt in every core of your being when it happens, doesn't it?  I know a few of you guys have felt this.

Not to say that indifference doesn't happen in normal situations, because it absolutely does!  And even the controlling part.. it's there in all of us, but not to a harmful degree like in those who succumb to it on a regular basis.  But they're there, because we're human.

There's a reason they refer to this as "Cold indifference."  There's nothing warm or loving about it, so the phrase fits like it was tailor-made.

Sure, people can feel indifferent to things, places, actions, laws.... and the list goes on and on.  But that's not what I'm talking about here.  I'm talking about the indifference to a person, the dehumanizing, demoralizing, and hurtful manner in which one displays their lack of compassion.  It's not hard to understand, really.  I mean, if you've felt compassion for anyone or anything in your lifetime, you know what I mean by this.  And if you've never felt compassion.. then, well.. let's just say I'm not here to discuss sociopaths and leave it at that.

Compassion comes easily to some, and not so much in others.  Duh, right?  But I have to state this clearly because there are so many people out there who REALLY don't get it, that there are folks who have to struggle for compassion and don't understand that it is sometimes something you have to actively practice to master.

But we feel it when it's absent, don't we?  We know when someone lacks compassion, because it displays prominently in everything that person does and doesn't do.  And when we're met with it in a personal way...it hurts.

Whether it comes easily to you or not, always practice compassion.  Never ever allow yourself to sink into that cold place where compassion dies.  Feel.  Love.  And never allow yourself to sink into indifference.  Because indifference may or may not change that other person, but it will ALWAYS change YOU.  Fact.

I'm no expert.  I am flawed.  I am not better than anyone else.  Nor do I see myself as 'enlightened.'  I do, however, know that I leave my heart open and exposed to others... because you have to risk yourself a bit to feel compassion.  You guys know that.  It's risky.  Always risky.  But oh so worth the risk.  Because I believe with all of my heart that if you open yourself up..that love and energy flows both ways.  Yes, you risk being hurt, but you also risk being loved.

So, what exactly does this have to do with me?  And yes, I realize that I often choose to talk in generalities to tell you what's going on in my life.  I'm not fighting that approach to exposing my life online, because that's where I am right now.

Indifference.  Lack of compassion.  Losing myself and reaching in the dark to find 'me' again.  It's just where I am.  I make no apologies for this, and I won't ever.

Dealing with illness is hard.  Dealing with not having much control in your life is hard.  Dealing with the knowns and unknowns with health issues is hard.

I will keep on reaching in the dark as long as I have to.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time.

The disingenuous scale

Well, as far as 'weight' goes, the scale does this ridiculous up and down thing, hovering on digital insanity.  Appearances can be deceiving, so I'm not worrying about it, but it is really is nice when you can SEE and measure progress in numbers when it comes to this whole fat loss thing.  Damn scale, how I loathe thee.

But then, my appetite still hovers in the deep abyss that even I can't reach or understand.  Although, I have experienced a slight twinge of hunger a couple of times lately.  Maybe that's a small start of something more 'normal' in terms of...well, of whatever.

Yesterday was a total bust though, as I wasn't able to take in more than about 700 calories.  Yeah.  I know.  Dangerously low.  But many days I fight to get in 1300 to 1500 on average, and I have to get that in at one meal.  Low carbing means I can load up on the healthy fats and raise the calories enough to sustain life.  ha ha.  That really was supposed to be humorous.  But without a good appetite, getting enough to eat is a struggle, and it is as hard to lose fat NOT eating enough as it is when you're eating too much.

The good news is that I'm finally OFF the protonix!  THANK GOD!  Took popping carafate and going through discomfort, but I'm off.  I'm on another class of OTC medication for reflux as a bridge until things settle, then I can wean myself off of that.  But so far so good!  And one of the side effects, or lack thereof, of getting off of the PPI is that I can sleep better again!  I knew getting off that crap would be a good move.  :D

Well, I have about 21% power left to do some research for the rest of the master bath restoration.  And I mean, this is a full-on restoration.  The whole bathroom is being gutted and replaced.  :)  So I'm off to do that....

Laters!

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.