Weekends are hard now, difficult in many ways because I can't retreat so a safe [physical] place so I can catch my breath and find my bearings. Maybe it's for the best, really, because that would give me far too much time to contemplate the questions I believe I really don't want the answer to. Such as.. why do people do the things they do to someone they claim to love, and why remorse, apologies, and just simple human kindness is lost on people now... my better half included? That's definitely a rhetorical question, because that question most likely doesn't have an answer. Not a all-inclusive answer, anyway. So be it. Maybe it's just one of those unpleasant phenomenons that you just learn to cope with, or not, depending on who you are, your past history, etc. Either way, I don't cope with this sort of thing well, and its effects on me.. suck in every way imaginable.
No one said life was going to be easy all of the time, and those of us with open minds and hearts know all too well how the hard parts serve to teach and strengthen us. I'm no exception. I know the value of lessons learned, very much, and they've changed me along the way in my life. They had to. Anyone who doesn't change in the process of growing is just spinning their wheels. I mean, how do you expect to move forward and become the person you are meant to be if you're sitting stagnant in some kind of fairytale land of your own making? And you guys know that place---we all do--- and it's often a place people retreat to rather than facing and dealing with a situation. I've never lived in that fantasy world, and I never will.
But there are those who make it very difficult, the people or person in our lives that attempt to micromanage ever move we make, the way we think, and what we do. Too often those people (or person) attempts to filter our lives through their own. What I mean by this is... those people who filter who and what you are, your life choices, your wants, needs, passions, wishes, dreams, philosophies, even your decisions through themselves, thus trying to force you to be, think, act, and feel just like them. If you allow someone to do this to you, I promise, you will lose yourself along the way.
As you lose control, and this can happen in a slow and insidious way, you will see the negative effects in your life, your person, you body, and even in your spirit. It's a lot like being crushed from the inside-out. It's damaging. It's dangerous. And it will wreck you in the end.
Who wants to be disassembled piece by piece?
On the flip side of these controlling people is the indifference. It shows itself when you try to be who you are, live like you're in YOUR life and not anyone else's. Their response can be anything from being flippant to utter indifference. The latter is often the case, I've found. I guess it's just easier for them because it requires very little effort. But that indifference is felt in every core of your being when it happens, doesn't it? I know a few of you guys have felt this.
Not to say that indifference doesn't happen in normal situations, because it absolutely does! And even the controlling part.. it's there in all of us, but not to a harmful degree like in those who succumb to it on a regular basis. But they're there, because we're human.
There's a reason they refer to this as "Cold indifference." There's nothing warm or loving about it, so the phrase fits like it was tailor-made.
Sure, people can feel indifferent to things, places, actions, laws.... and the list goes on and on. But that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the indifference to a person, the dehumanizing, demoralizing, and hurtful manner in which one displays their lack of compassion. It's not hard to understand, really. I mean, if you've felt compassion for anyone or anything in your lifetime, you know what I mean by this. And if you've never felt compassion.. then, well.. let's just say I'm not here to discuss sociopaths and leave it at that.
Compassion comes easily to some, and not so much in others. Duh, right? But I have to state this clearly because there are so many people out there who REALLY don't get it, that there are folks who have to struggle for compassion and don't understand that it is sometimes something you have to actively practice to master.
But we feel it when it's absent, don't we? We know when someone lacks compassion, because it displays prominently in everything that person does and doesn't do. And when we're met with it in a personal way...it hurts.
Whether it comes easily to you or not, always practice compassion. Never ever allow yourself to sink into that cold place where compassion dies. Feel. Love. And never allow yourself to sink into indifference. Because indifference may or may not change that other person, but it will ALWAYS change YOU. Fact.
I'm no expert. I am flawed. I am not better than anyone else. Nor do I see myself as 'enlightened.' I do, however, know that I leave my heart open and exposed to others... because you have to risk yourself a bit to feel compassion. You guys know that. It's risky. Always risky. But oh so worth the risk. Because I believe with all of my heart that if you open yourself up..that love and energy flows both ways. Yes, you risk being hurt, but you also risk being loved.
Indifference. Lack of compassion. Losing myself and reaching in the dark to find 'me' again. It's just where I am. I make no apologies for this, and I won't ever.
Dealing with illness is hard. Dealing with not having much control in your life is hard. Dealing with the knowns and unknowns with health issues is hard.
I will keep on reaching in the dark as long as I have to.
No one said life was going to be easy all of the time.
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