It was a long holiday weekend filled with packing, moving a few loads over to the new house, and lots of anxiety having to be around T for that long. I'm not being mean here, I assure you, but the magnitude in which he's "just not there" is ever more apparent when we're around each other too much. And honestly, it drags me down and wears me out beyond words. Not sure how I can handle this much longer.
I try very hard to be patient and understanding, but it's nearly impossible to feel those things when the other person is simply not trying at all. I'm a ghost in my own household (notice I didn't say "home"), and the weight of being absolutely trapped is taking a tremendous toll on me both physically and emotionally. Life isn't supposed to be this hard.
He's supposed to go visit his family in Florida next month, and no.. I'm not going. By choice. I'm simply not up to that long drive right now, and honestly... I really need the time alone; maybe I'll be able to breathe for once. I'm a little scared I'll like being by myself much more than I realize. Though it really wouldn't surprise me...as I crave space, peace, breathing room, a place to stretch these broken wings and try and remember what it feels like to fly.
...It was another weekend with my pointing out all the ways he tries to control me, how he treats me like a child, how he doesn't respect me... and as always it falls on deaf ears. Oh, he vehemently INSISTS that he understands what I'm trying to say to him, that he gets it, that he will try harder, and so on..and on..and on..and on. His words mean very little to me anymore, and his WORD... means even less.
I can't rely on him following through.
Honestly, I could understand his not being able to follow through on some things if there were a REASON. But there's not. He simply just... doesn't. And it's very telling.
In the meantime I try desperately to hold on, to remember who I am, to remember my dreams, wishes, hopes, goals, and to remind myself that my needs matter too. I also have to work on not being completely rolled over by him when he does this; and I have to say it's nearly impossible. I mean, let's face it---I'm not the toughest person, and I'm sensitive to both people and environment. And my environment right now is NOT conducive to happiness, joy, OR healing; three things of which I need desperately in my life.
How the hell did I get here? Rhetorical question, really. What I should be asking myself is 'How did I get here AGAIN?!'
Okay, so truth be told I'd have to say I HAVE asked myself that question and know how I got here again. I'm not in the awful places that I've been in the past with relationships, but this one isn't healthy for me at all. So what do I do so that I can thrive, live, and be able to breathe in my own space?
Most of you know the issues with my heart. For those who don't, here's a basic rundown for clarity:
Mitral Valve Prolapse since childhood.
Mitral Valve Regurgitation.
Grade II Diastolic Dysfunction.
Mildly thickened Mitral Valve.
Mildly calcified 'other' valves.
Mild regurgitation in 'other' valves.
I finally received the results of the Cath I had last week, and it shows the Mitral Valve regurgitation to be moderate-severe now. Two years ago it was mild-to moderate. One year ago it was roughly at moderate.
So far I'm told that they will continue watching to see if it remains steady, or if it worsens further. Further worsening could mean valve replacement.
All other issues remain as-is, including the Grade II Diastolic Dysfunction. This will be watched with yearly echoes.
What does this mean in lieu of the ongoing symptoms? I don't know just yet. With today being the day before Thanksgiving, I will most likely hear about follow ups next week. My guess is that it will be a watch and wait situation as it's been for years now. In terms of symptoms, I still don't know my CT results, what my pulmonary doc wants to do (if anything) about the mild COPD, nor do I have my liver biopsy results back and what, if anything, the results could mean.
All is up in the air, and I've no idea why getting results back is taking so long. My GI specialist has had my biopsy results back, but they've not discussed them with me. I called the other day and the person on the phone knew exactly who I was when I asked for my results. They have them, but they've not contacted me about them. Ugh. I really just want to hurry up and cross stuff off the list of things to keep dealing with.
All's well with the plumbing. Electrical was address last year. As far as other functionality, I still need to address the diastolic dysfunction, and of course... keep an eye on the MVP w/regurgitation, the valve issues, etc. Just a watch and wait thing. :)
As an aside, I discovered something interesting yesterday that somewhat surprised me. Xanax rocks. rofl. Never had the stuff before, but they give you one w/Benedryl as pre-meds prior to the cath procedure. That didn't happen the first time I had a cath, so... I had no idea what the big deal was about people liking Xanax. Basically, for anyone who doesn't know, it breaks your give-a-shitter. lol ;p Just useless information I find funny. I'm actually quite glad they gave me that, because half of the meds they use for conscious sedation is morphine---which I'm allergic to. And, just like the transjugular liver biopsy I had last week... I was awake! Ugh. And DAMN did that lidocaine hurt like a mofo when it was injected in the area surrounding my femoral artery! GEEZ. Not a fan of that, btw.
I've strayed more than just a little from the intended purpose of this blog. But then, maybe I didn't if I'm simply following the course of events while trying to regain my health and happiness again. At the basis of health and vitality there is nutrition, and I STILL believe wholeheartedly that a plant-based diet is the best course, as long as you follow the rules and not get yourself into trouble with deficiencies. I had an undiagnosed iron deficiency which made things very difficult as far as eating vegetarian. It's okay, though, because correcting the anemia and replenishing absent iron stores takes precedence over focusing on a vegetarian diet. What I needed the most was iron-rich foods, and HEME iron at that. But this is really not the focus of what I'm trying to say here.... Back to the health and vitality part...
In order to have emotional/mental vitality, to be at the top of your game, to live strong, feel strong, to THRIVE... you of course need to have good health. Seems like a conundrum, doesn't it? It is. And it isn't. Though that's not to say it's easy trying to find out what came first.. the chicken or the egg.
So yes, this downward spiral of health began a few years ago, and in THAT respect I can recognize very well, in retrospect, which came first. Emotionally I was fighting a losing battle, at odds with someone I loved immensely, and wrongly trusted with my heart AND my mind. I made a mistake in that, sure, but the damage was done and it wreaked major havoc on my health. I'm STILL dealing with the after-effects. It's a process.
Choosing to work through this on another (new) blog, "This Free Spirit," is helping. But actual healing is going to take much more than that--this I know. Stuffing the emotions down via new age voodoo isn't going to do it, because it's STILL there... even though you've lost access to those feelings. I promise you, this is the very LAST thing you should EVER consider to try and 'rid' yourself of damaged you've sustained to your 'self' by others, or by your own doing. There are far too many ways to help people ESCAPE the feelings. But again, those methods only BURY them deeply so you don't recognize what it is that you're dealing with anymore.
The ONLY way to truly heal is to FACE those demons head-on, because they really suck at being quiet or laying low.
Seriously.
Here is the part where I CHOOSE to change my focus, while still acknowledging what I'm dealing with. Here is where I return to the intended purpose of this blog---health, eating, etc.---while still sharing life effects that remain a backdrop to such endeavors.
New blog. Honestly, sometimes I wonder where I get all the time to post in all of these. In some ways having the focuses of my entries in separate blogs helps me maintain cohesive thought.... well, at least I TRY. Expressing everything in one common place just makes for a serious muddle in which it's difficult to sift through sometimes. I mean, I revisit some of my entries to see where I am. I mean, isn't that what a 'diary' is for?
Well, this new one is about the ongoing processes of working out past injuries, as well as current ones...
Either way, it was a moral imperative. Finding my way in the dark is a necessity, and the link below will provide you with a window on which to see this happen. It's not always going to pleasant...
....everything seems better. Be careful of that facade.
If I had the energy at night to write these entries, I guarantee you they would look much different. The accumulation of the day's stresses become a bit more blurry in the light of morning; just a fact. At night I'm very clear on how I feel about things, what I really want to do about them, and I'm in-touch with the severity of the damage being done. How am I supposed to find solutions when the problems scuttle away to hide near my subconscious when the sun rises? I say "Near my subconscious" because I'm well aware that they're there, it's just that it becomes easier when facing a new day. Kind of ridiculous on my part, you know, allowing that to happen.
It's indifference and lack of humanity rearing it's ugly head again. This permeates everything I do, want to do, and try to do. I've lost my resolve when it comes to relying on myself for strength, guidance, self-esteem, and so many more important and necessary matters. How did this happen? How did I become so complacent in my own undoing.... yet again? And, is there a way out?
Yesterday I had the first part of a two part stress test. If you don't know how those work, the first part is all about placing your body under monitored and rigorous stress; in this case, exercise. I'm not talking about normal exercise, but the kind that has NO warmup and NO cool-down, and you jump right into raising your HR as quickly as possible. The low end of the target HR for these tests is 145 BPM, and the goal is to go as long as possible with the incline (on the treadmill) raising, and the speed raising every 3 minutes. It's pretty rough, which is the point.
I was only about 5 minutes into the test before the burning in my chest started, then the pain that went through to my back. No, that wasn't a heart attack, though you certainly can feel those things if a heart attack was happening. In this case... it was angina (chest pain), and the tests and imaging done afterwards are to determine IF something is wrong and WHAT that something is. I had an EKG machine hooked up to me the entire time, so if something really bad were happening they would have known.
I had to call off the test--which is how it works btw--due to the chest pain and being unable to breathe well (understatement). The test stopped abruptly (as is the protocol with or without problems arising) and I was told to sit down. The pain began to subside as soon as I sat down and was completely gone shortly thereafter. By the time my HR returned to normal I was fine. I have no idea what the significance is (if any) of that experience, but I'm sure they'll tell me eventually.
The second portion (resting) will happen on Monday November 2nd.
I might add that they place an IV port in your arm when you get a test like this; one reason is so they can inject the tracer (radioactive contrast solution), and the other is in case of emergency they can begin administering medications, etc. immediately. I will get the same tracer on the resting portion of the test on Monday.
So where am I going with this and what does it have to do with 'indifference'?
Usually I read through a heart disease forum I belong to so I can see what experience others have had with any given situation. In this case I read up on events during stress tests, ones that match my situation. Wasn't good, what I found, but I'm not one to panic or get worked up over something that is probably NOT my issue. I do, however, like to be informed--it's the smart thing to do.
I passed what information I found about the occurrence on to T. No reaction, no concern, not a thing. Now, one thing I didn't mention is that I was SUPPOSED to get the second half of the stress test TODAY. Why am I doing it on Monday? T has taken me to a few of my appointments due to my serious sleep deprivation lately... in order to avoid accidents due to my sleepiness, etc. He has a TON of acquired leave accrued and will lose them if he doesn't use them, so he's schedule his leave on days when I have an appointment. I'm grateful, no doubt about it. But I'm concerned, still, of the indifference he has, that he swears doesn't exist. And trust me--it exists.
I've had to deal with some serious health issues, and am STILL dealing with them. There's some situations that are now 'watch and wait' situations, and that's just the way it is. But when troublesome symptoms occur... I don't have anyone to tell or talk to about it. It's not a good idea to ignore the symptoms, and well... I guess I'm just in that place where I'm unsure about how long I can continue doing this.
I would take a bullet for the people I love to save their lives. Period. But what I won't do is risk my life by remaining in a situation that, well, risks my life. So what do I do about it in the meantime?
There's so much more I need to say about this, but in keeping things in context it will have to be in separate posts in order to keep things straight....
.....I'm going to post in my other blogs today, too... it's time, isn't it?
Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah. No.. patience is a skill! I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat. Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough. Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health. Enough is enough. Right?
I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.' What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite. While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation. It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent. Some of this most people already know. In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person. And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.
Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure! Funny, I know... but absolutely true. When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps. If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.
If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.
There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it. And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category. If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there. Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust. And by "personal social network" I mean just that. Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.
The enablers...
These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you. This is neither appropriate or helpful. There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.' People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.' There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation. But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do. These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope. They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire. Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.
The Borg...
Think I'm kidding here? lol I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain. As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them. These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse. Sounds crazy, yes? These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger. And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation. Steer clear of these types!
The zombies...
Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do. Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so. They feel nothing, and they're relentless. The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one. Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest. Period. Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing. Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?
While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable. This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all. This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.
Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being. Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must. But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.
My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person. Truth.
Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah. No.. patience is a skill! I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat. Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough. Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health. Enough is enough. Right?
I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.' What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite. While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation. It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent. Some of this most people already know. In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person. And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.
Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure! Funny, I know... but absolutely true. When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps. If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.
If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.
There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it. And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category. If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there. Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust. And by "personal social network" I mean just that. Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.
The enablers...
These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you. This is neither appropriate or helpful. There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.' People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.' There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation. But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do. These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope. They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire. Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.
The Borg...
Think I'm kidding here? lol I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain. As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them. These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse. Sounds crazy, yes? These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger. And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation. Steer clear of these types!
The zombies...
Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do. Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so. They feel nothing, and they're relentless. The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one. Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest. Period. Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing. Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?
While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable. This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all. This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.
Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being. Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must. But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.
My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person. Truth.
"STOP!" Some words have lost their effectiveness. As many times as I tell myself to stop with the stupid internal dialogue it has yet to have any real effect on me. Damn, but my inner child is stubborn as hell! But then, all of me tends to be that way. With a lack of a support network I'm left to my own devices, and the on-screen blabbering of an indifferent internet to fill that void. Guess what? NONE of it's working.
Inspiration, more specifically the lack thereof, squashes motivation before it even gets out of the gate. Am I saying I'm uninspired, then I would have to say "YES!" Knowing my situation will only change when I facilitate that change (personally) is enough pressure all on its own, but when I'm told my my cardiologist that I can't exercise until after I have the nuclear stress test and get the results, well, that really puts a massive damper on things. And waiting is just another level of hell.
My subconscious is raging against all that's happening, behaving like a willful, spoiled brat, and one in which I can't exactly order to go stand in the corner somewhere. So the tantrums ensue, unchecked. Yippee.
Yesterday I saw an orthodontist about an oral device that will help with this mild sleep apnea. While waiting in the office I thumbed through a huge binder filled with handwritten testimonies of people who've gotten this device (which is a lot like what you wear to protect your teeth if you grind them in your sleep). Anyway, encouragement and hope literally poured from the pages, and I actually felt myself on the verge of tears at the thought that "I" could really feel THAT good again. There are things I still need to do with regards to my teeth, like get a dental implant for the one I cracked severely from years of grinding my teeth, so that will slow things down a bit. Waiting... has never been my strong point. Delayed gratification sucks when it's something this necessary, vital even.
For every night I spend in poor sleep, I wake to feel as if I'd not slept at all. So how is it that I'm going to be able to wait for the next few weeks in order to deal with the process of getting that dental implant? How in the hell do I make myself okay with feeling like THIS for yet a few more weeks? I really don't know that I can do it. BUT, I have to. They can't have them make that oral device before I have the other done because it won't fit. Ugh.
As my subconscious rages, as it seeks to pout and crawl into a deep, dark hole where it can sulk in private, I'm left with the aftermath of its childish behavior; depression, hopelessness, sadness, bewilderment, and at times anger. Screw this. My subconscious and I need to have a damn talk!
I really could use a support network right now. Having to admit such a frailty is really uncomfortable, I'll have you know. Over the years I've changed from someone who was open, okay with expressing feelings and allowing them to flow through me so I could deal with them, to someone who refuses to cry in front of anyone, to show my vulnerability, and to even express my needs. This unpleasant change began a few years ago and has continued to hold onto the part of me I want back. I feel like a damn hostage inside my own body. Wtf?
It's a chronic problem with T. It's a chronic problem with a lot of people in this world and is more evident now than ever. People have allowed a destructive numbness to creep into the very fabric of who and what they are. The consequences of embracing indifference is that it becomes a part of you, defining you, and ultimately destroying everything with its insidious whisperings inside your mind and heart. It's a comfortably destructive habit that will take everything about you and make it its own. It walks softly into one's life as a comforting buffer against anything and everything that makes you... FEEL. And in the throes of its seductive and blinding embrace... you can be ultimately lost forever.
Indifference is like the sting of a mosquito; with just the smallest amount of anesthetic you won't feel the effects until it's too late.
When blind indifference takes hold of a person it's usually a selective process that often singles out just one, at first unwitting, individual. Damage is done to both sides, but the effects of the one staring into the face of indifference are far greater in intensity and much longer-lasting. Honestly, as much as we humans try to distance ourselves from the hurtful effects we too often fail at removing ourselves effectively. That doesn't mean we don't on some level understand what's happening, and usually several attempts are made to make the other aware of what they're doing. But true to indifference's nature our words, actions, they all fall on completely deaf ears.
I've been through two relationships of indifference, and both times I ended up not caring a flip about that person in the end.
Over the last few years I've come to see indifference from new angles, and I no longer believe that I'm the one who has the responsibility to fix what's happening. On the contrary. I wasn't put on planet earth to fix anyone, except myself. If indifference is really all that person has to offer, they have absolutely nothing to offer. At least not to me.
While I've focused yet again on 'the thing' that I want to talk about, I haven't actually shared where I am in this whole thing.
Where I am in all of this and why talking about it matters...
In context, indifference matters a great deal when it comes to me and my life, my emotional and physical health. It directly affects how I go about the course of my life, the details of who I am and what I want and need are blurred beneath the sharp blades that attempt to obliterate all in its path.
Case in point: Following the first IV iron infusion for anemia there were symptoms that I couldn't pin-point, ones that usually put someone on alert. With my heart and lung issues, having severe breathlessness and chest pressure is one of those things you simply shouldn't ignore, no matter who you are. A smart person would at least mention it to whoever they're living with, or call someone to let them know what's going on... to be on the safe side. Though, I have to add that it's a good idea to call someone who actually cares, because the alternative could be deadly.
Roughly about a day and a half after my IV infusion I had an 'event' that evening that startled me. I had just gotten into bed and found the usual breathlessness that I experience every night (heart issues), but instead of easing a little.. it actually intensified... a LOT. I found myself feeling as if an elephant was sitting on my chest, and I was gasping for air. Literally gasping for air. This went on for about 10 minutes or so until I became so fatigued by it all that I actually fell asleep. But before I fell asleep I alerted T to what was going on. He was actually standing near my side of the bed and wide awake, and when I told him what I was feeling, while gasping for air between words, he..said.. absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. He went around the other side of the bed and laid down in silence while I continued to gasp for air.
I propped myself up on my side on one elbow, still unable to breathe correctly, still gasping for air and trying to slow down my breathing.. thinking it may help. I'm not prone to panic attacks and felt no panic at all while this was going on, hence my not insisting I go to the ER. Was it concerning? Of course it was! But I believed it would pass. And it did.. after I fell asleep. I was exhausted by the experience. Utterly exhausted.
The next day T went to work as usual and didn't mentioned what happened the night before. What this left me with, like several other 'acts of indifference,' was a deep-seated mistrust, and it went so deep to the bone that I cannot shake it no matter what. But in reality, I don't WANT to shake this mistrust because it's necessary. This isn't the first time or first issue that's come along to instill a strong self-protectiveness.
T, I have found, doesn't really care much for anything any further than about 6 inches outside his own skin. He's aware of it, I've tried to talk to him about it, strongly suggested he "Pick something and practice giving a shit," and all for nothing but wasted breath and wasted time. I don't have any inclination to continue wasting energy and time on someone who's not willing to give a damn.
Whenever something of vital importance arises, T is "absent." He's not plugged in. He's not at all invested. And this is why I grow increasingly weary of involving him in anything important that's going on with me, my health, and so on. He's basically now on the outside, and he's even indifferent to that.. until he feels it's going to affect him personally in some way. *sigh*
There will be a PART II to this, because it's a huge huge issue for me, and one that is helping to destroy my health. It's about time I talk about it ALL, and it's just too much for a single entry.
I'm exhausted. Deciphering indifference is a huge energy-suck, and I just don't have any energy to spare. If you don't FEEL anything---don't waste my time!
Until the last few months I really had no idea or understanding of what that phrase actually means. To someone who is chronically tired, falling asleep during the day, and just not feeling well at all, those words come to have a greater meaning upon discovering that being in a state of 'light sleep' most of the night can have serious consequences, especially over the long haul.
I can't tell you how many times over the past 15 years I've said "I'm a light sleeper." My kids are grown with kids of their own, but I remember as far back as the 70's, when my first son was born, how I would wake up quickly and thoroughly when they would make even the slightest sound. It's 'mother's intuition' or 'mother's hearing,' as some call it. But in the last 15 years I've come to accept this 'light sleeper' thing as simply remnants of that 'mother's hearing,' due in part to the fact that this works with my pets as well. Just the slightest sound, especially when it sounds 'wrong'... I awaken.
Over the past 6 years or so, at a guess, my sleep patterns have gotten significantly 'off,' leaving me to awaken at ANY sound. A car passing by my house, the sound of neighbors' voices, rain, thunder, someone just being awake in the same house I'm in, someone using the restroom... I can't really think of much that WON'T wake me. And very recently I've come to discover the effects of this sort of sleep is cumulative and damaging.
Several months ago I purchased a machine called a ResMed S+ at Bed, Bath & Beyond. ResMed is the company that makes CPAP machines and masks, and they made this device to help people measure the quality of sleep, help them fall asleep, and also to help them improve their quality of sleep. What I discovered by using the S+ surprised and shocked me in many ways. Using a scoring system, with 100 being the best score, I realized just how poor my sleep quality was.
Then I saw a pulmonologist who ordered, among other things, a sleep study where I discovered I have mild sleep apnea.
While the S+ couldn't tell me if I stopped breathing or how many times, it did measure REM, Light, and DEEP sleep, as well as how long it takes me to fall asleep on any given night. The score is presented each morning.
The image at the top of this entry is a recent score from a couple of days ago. This is not the worst score I've gotten--not even close.
As you can see, my DEEP sleep is incredibly short at 16 minutes. That's BAD. It should be closer to 1 1/5 hours. REM sleep, on this particular night, isn't all that bad, really, as I've seen it as low as 15-20 minutes. And LIGHT sleep always seems to dominate my sleep--also not good.
During light sleep a person is actually aware of their surroundings; sound, light, movement, etc. And yes, this is why some people wake up easily--because they stay mostly in a state of LIGHT sleep. This is not restorative sleep, btw. REM mostly restores the mind, and DEEP mostly restores the body. It's all quite important.
Again, what this machine does NOT show is the little awakenings, cessation of breathing, and other neurological events like restless leg syndrome, even teeth grinding!, which often comes with sleep apnea. What it does actually show, however, is how many times I woke up completely and totally. A person may or may not know they woke up every time, depending on how tired/sleepy you are. So what's so telling about this?
Well, in MY case, as this ONE example shows, I woke up 8 times in one night; I've had many nights where this number has been as high as 14. And remember, this is not counting the micro awakenings or cessation of breathing. However, a sleep study has a very complex system of monitoring so that they can find the micro-awakenings, cessation of breathing, and so on. In mild sleep apnea, for example, events happen 5-10 times PER HOUR. In severe sleep apnea this can happen hundreds of times per hour. Mild or severe, this can cause hypertension, heart attack, and stroke.
Basically what this means is---if you find yourself telling people you're a light sleeper, if sounds, movements in the bed, etc. wake you easily, and especially if you have symptoms of sleep apnea, you may want to consider bringing this up to your doctor; It could actually save your life!
In my personal case, I was actually quite amazed at how i felt after the second sleep study I had using a CPAP machine. I felt pretty darn good the following day. And while I'm having issues with my skin being tender and sensitive to the mask, etc., I know I'm going in the right direction.
Sleep apnea can cause heart arrhythmias such as Atrial Fibrillation--which is known for causing stroke. Sleep apnea can also cause various other heart conditions including, but not limited to, congestive heart failure. And if THAT isn't enough, do know that it can cause weight gain, muscle fatigue, back pain, joint pain not unlike that which comes with arthritis.. and more.
Do you snore? That's a tell-tell sign of sleep apnea, btw. Tired, sleepy during the day, snoring at night, fatigue... please listen to your body.
.... I think they're playing a disturbing game of hide and seek. Just kidding! For the sake of clarity, for anyone new to reading the entries of this blog, my 'alter egos' is a reference to my other blogs, ones which I try to update as often as possible. At times, I copy and paste the same entry as the first blog I began with, but I try very hard to post what's relevant to that blog. Trust me, my blogs aren't supposed to be created equal. ;)
You can find the Alter Ego links in the menu bar on the side of the page, if you're curious and new to my blogs. And why do I have other blogs? Basically, they were all set apart for specific purposes; dreams and wishes, passions/life/desire/health, and the transient things that, by their very nature aren't always meant to sustain themselves in my life, or... at times... on 'the page.' Naturally, all of the parts make up the whole, so overlapping is common and necessary sometimes.
I have to admit I've held back a lot over the past few months, whereas in the past I've pretty much unloaded here. I won't go into why I began withholding what I really wanted to write, but the experiences took hold and held on for dear life. It wasn't my intention for things to go that way. But they did anyway.
My goal going forward is to find myself in a place of trust. This will be a process, because my past being what it is, well, it's just going to take some time is all. I'll get there.
This blog began as a ways and means to talk, often with humor, about health, wholeness, eating, thriving, living, body/mind/soul, and sometimes to share the naughty side of me. It's gotten WAY off-track over the past few months due to declining health. Well, those health issues are being addressed, and treatment begins today/tonight.. and next week. At least with regards to the issues of sleep apnea and iron deficiency anemia.
Getting back on track with posting and sharing here is going to be a major switch in some ways, as I've had to focus far too much on doctor appointments, treatments, and so forth. But I think it's time, you know, to get back to the part of 'living.' Doesn't mean I won't have moments where I vent about my relationship issues, dreams, passions, and the like. It just means that I think since I'm on my way to resolutions for my health issues... it's time to focus on what's ahead.
It just makes good sense.
So what's next with diet, exercise, vibrant physical, mental/emotional health? Well, that's just the thing. Tonight will be the first night I use a CPAP machine, and I already know the one night I used it at the sleep center.. I felt quite different the following day, and I returned to my usual fatigued, miserable self the night after WITHOUT the CPAP. I see much hope in that. And with next week being the first treatment for the iron deficiency.. I'm actually getting excited about seeing things improve over the days and weeks ahead. This is going to be a journey of my life, really.
As my focus shifts to hopeful events, positive outcomes, and anticipation for those things not yet addressed (lung and heart issues), I will also have a lot more focus here.
These dreams. You know. I've talked about them in past entries. They're always quite memorable. They don't leave me be but haunt me throughout the days, nights... in far too many waking moments. They arrive, unbidden, though I do admit to having contemplated the why's and wherefore's of their appearance. Especially now. Maybe because of now. Not one damn answer as to why....
Dwelling on these dreams isn't a 'thing' with me, and most of the time it's just this haunting feeling I get... that eventually eases as the day, or days, go on. The intensity of their message(s) increases with each subsequent dream, and I just don't know what to think about them. It's just freaking weird.
Note: Remember, if you're seeking to know all that's going on with me... don't forget about my other two blogs... All Things Ephemeral and Where Fireflies Dream. See the bar on the right for the links.
Okay. So, why is this blog vastly different than what I set it out to be? Easy to explain that one-- my damn life got complicated and things ended up in a tangled mess. They still are, but... since this blog is basically about health, heating, and diet/way of eating... you can't really have those things addressed in a static background that includes no signs of life. What I mean by that is... your attitude, actual health, quality of life (or lack thereof), emotions, personal environment, emotional state, and more.. has EVERYTHING to do with success or failure.
History keeps it all in check. There is some documented history here of where I began and where I am, both all important to the end result. It's really quite simple in that the journey is still the journey, no matter how many paths I've strayed onto while heading in a particular direction. Nothing is EVER a straight line in life---until you die. ;p
I'm still on the path to improving my health, to finding myself again, to reclaiming what is mine (my life). I may have stopped to rest on occasion, but I'm still on that journey and will NOT give up until I find that momentum, the right path. Progress, no matter what it looks like, is still progress.
I don't see any reason to think that I won't be anything but successful in this. I will be. I do need to exercise patience as I deal with the Iron Deficiency Anemia, Grade 2 Diastolic Dysfunction. But I can do that.
... Sorry to cut things short here, but I'm utterly exhausted.
Day 2 with the heart monitor, and it just won't stop beeping. Okay, so there are pauses, but there have been SO many... I didn't get this many when I had SVT, AFib, and atrial flutter. Weird. For those who don't know how an event monitor works, you basically wear a portable EKG that comes with a monitor that records everything your heart does, and a wireless communicator that sends the information to the monitoring center. Yes, you're actually monitored the entire time, 24/7, by real people. This is not the same thing as a Holter monitor where you have the recorder only.
So when an 'event' occurs, one that you know of, you hit the button at the top of the monitor to mark the EKG, then the communicator asks what happened (palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, etc.), then it asks what you were doing when it happened (nothing, walking, exercising, etc.). And whether or not you FEEL what happens, 'they' know..and it's recorded anyway and uploaded to the monitoring center's software.
When I speak of 'beeps,' there are actually 2 that happen during the event. The first beep says something is happening and being recorded (blinking green light goes solid)...which takes approximately a minute, and the second beep says that event has been marked and is being uploaded (alternating blinking green and blue lights). Nothing on the communicator asks you to state what happened or what you were doing because, if you didn't push the button, you're not aware anything happened anyway.
Basically, it beeps often when I'm standing, and it beeps nearly every time I bend over to pick something up off the floor. It's also been beeping while laying down (like last night), and also when I'm just sitting and talking to someone. This is not the way this usually goes for me, so I don't know what it's picking up. Possibly PVCs, which most people have and aren't often aware of. Thing is... I've never had a monitor go off as much as I have the past 24 hrs. I have to wear this for 4 days, and it's procedure as a one year follow-up after a cardiac ablation. It's meant to make sure episodes of the arrhythmia(s) aren't happening and determines wether or not the ablation(s) was/were successful or not.
Now, I have iron deficiency anemia, and it's NOT being treated. So that could possibly explain anything my heart is doing. Or it could be something related to the Grade II Diastolic Dysfunction I've recently be diagnosed with. Not sure. Honestly, I first thought I had a defective monitor, but the monitoring center ALWAYS knows if something's wrong and calls to recalibrate or decide if they need to send another monitor. So far, no calls. This is good in that nothing serious is happening. ;)
I know. Blah blah blah. I will get to more personal matters later on.
