I am real.
Because I am, I feel. Because I think, I feel. Because I breathe, I feel. Because I have a soul, I feel. And what I feel is exactly everything. When you speak, I feel your words, and when you don't, I feel that as well.
I hear you when you're not talking. I see you when you're not there. My mind, soul, spirit and heart remembers everything. I feel everything you've said, done, not said and not done, and it has changed parts of me, of who I am. But I will find a way and strive each and every day to heal, to restore all that I once was.
The parts of me you broke with your words and actions, or inactions, are still there. Every shattered part of me holds on and waits to be healed.
I am healing, though much slower than I'd hoped.
Inside there are are pieces that aren't mine at all but harmful remnants of an experience that threatened to change me completely, insidious shrapnel of an emotional war I never wanted to be a part of.
I'm passed the part where I forgive myself for willingly allowing myself to think everything I experienced was okay. I apologized for allowing so much harm to be done as I did nothing. I no longer ask myself 'why' I didn't exit much sooner than I did. I've come to the conclusion that some things I will most likely never come to terms with, maybe not even completely heal from. I can't say goodbye or get closure from someone who basically didn't actually exist. Realizing that everything you thought you knew about someone wasn't real is beyond difficult, because there is no one to say goodbye to when the relationship ends.
I will heal. Eventually I will be fully me again. But there is much to sort out even now. The wound opens time and time again because closure wasn't possible, and I work to forgive, repeatedly repair the damage that never seems to fully heal.
Anger is part of the process of letting go. In the stages of loss, which happens with breakups, one must absolutely feel every stage. But who am I to be angry at, sad over, etc? The person I fell in love with, in the end, revealed so much about themselves as their guard went down that I didn't even recognize them. At all. I was allowed to see what they wanted me to see early-on, and I fell in love with THAT person, a person who disappeared completely and was replaced by.... a stranger. I did not recognize that person and never saw the one I'd fallen in love with again. So when things finally ended, there I was, wondering who I was supposed to say goodbye to.
More on this later as it's bigger than I'm able to speak about or even deal with in-short.
Is this the beginning of getting back to me again?
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