September 01, 2016: Life, rant, confusion... yeah, whatever.

Life.  Amiright?

Audio Blog Continues....

Healing being what it is, and a very long process at that, I'll be audio-blogging for a bit.  The last few days have been seriously confusing, chaotic, and stressful... so that's what I end up with when trying to talk about it.  Fun, eh?  :/

Pushing for healing.

Shoulder still isn't well enough recovered for me to type much, so I've done another video in the meantime.  Heads up: I'll be doing more on diet, nutrition, etc soon.

Thanks for listening. :)

Risk for Redemption.

I played a bit with the idea of composing an audio/vid for myself, just something to remind me that there was, in fact, a time when I felt like a normal human being, when pain was minimal and sometimes absent, when I could behave normally, when restrictions of body (and now spirit and emotion) hadn't taken hold.  I know I used to feel better and actually participate in L I F E.  But for the life of me, my mind edits at will and separates the now from the then, the me I became and the me I once was.  So to keep it all in perspective... I made an audio movie with pics ranging from 8 months ago to 4 years ago, before this big crash in everything that is 'my life' and 'me.'

I was hesitant to upload it here (still am), but a friend of mine said "Do it.  Put it ALL out there, and to hell with what anyone thinks!"  It feels odd to see my own face all over this video, but... it's mostly for me anyway, something I can look at and recall that L I F E was there in me, and maybe.. just maybe... I will start believing again.  enough of the typing... arm aches horribly.

The compilation set as a reminder of where I once was in my L I F E and H E A L T H, remembering a healthier, happier me... taking a risk for redemption of myself, an apology to tell the woman I've become.... 'I'm so sorry I let you down."

Experiment #1...

Until my shoulder heals and typing is no longer painful, I'll be making these audio entries.  This first one is only an experiment, but I'll be making more soon with an actual message. lol  ;p  Thanks for hanging in there with me.  xo

What if...

What if I said I wanted to pour my heart and soul out to you?  What if I could, even for a very short time, find such trust that nothing, absolutely nothing would be off limits in what I could share?  What if I didn't hold back, didn't keep my entire heart's secrets walled off from the rest of me, and expose every one in such detail that it took your breath away?  What if... I told you a secret you'd never forget, no matter how hard you tried?

What if you could be surprised at the stories I hold inside?

What if I told you that I've never trusted a soul 100% in my life but that I'm willing to now?

What would you ask me if you could ask me anything?

What if I told you that you'd be surprised at who I'm talking to, and would you want it to be you?

It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

Stop it!

I'll make this short as I've posted in my other blogs about everything that went on this morning.  Over all, I want to keep the blog contents on all my blogs to the subject matter for which they created.  Given that, the theme of the day is basically... the danger of indifference.

Short and sweet (no pun intended)... T knows I'm pre-diabetic, he's indifferent about my testing my blood sugar in the mornings as directed by my doctor, and he's gone as far today as to tell me just to skip today.... which he's done before.  But aside from testing my glucose each morning, he's often indifferent to the things I have to do to get my health back and to avoid pre-diabetes from progressing to full blown Type II diabetes.  W.  T.  F. ????

Due to some physical limitations of which the doctors are still looking to nail down a cause, cooking is pretty much impossible now.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE cooking, so this is not something I'm at all happy about.  But T says he likes to cook but is also honest about the fact that he would be more than okay (his words) to eat a can of raviolis for dinner.  *sigh*  I can't do that.  I didn't like or want to eat that way throughout my life, but I also can't afford to eat that way right now due to my health.

We've had the 'salad discussion.'  I LOVE salads and strive to have a salad every night before dinner.  T, knowing I have to make drastic changes in my eating, etc., due to being diagnosed with pre-diabetes, says having a salad every night would be 'okay.'  However, he buys salad vegetables, puts them in the fridge, "forgets" to make the salads, then gets testy when I tell him we need more salad stuff because the other has gone bad.  Following THAT exchange comes the blame, the passive aggressive type where he gets testy and oppositional about buying salad veggies stating... "I don't want to buy salad stuff because it doesn't get eaten and goes bad," he says with a scowl.

O. M. G.

So I explain to him WHY the veggies went bad and REMINDED him that I said we need to have one every night, or at least I do.  He says okay, buys more salad stuff, then... "forgets" to make salads.  It's been 3 days since he made salads for us.  I remind him and he sometimes forgets.  So I told him.. "Don't ASK me if I want one--just make it!"  It's been 3 days since he's made a salad.

This man, before I met him, didn't eat salads unless it came with a meal at a restaurant.  He didn't make himself vegetables and had canned soup every night and said he likes it.  Well, okay... if he wants to destroy his life, fine.  But don't play with my life too.

I don't want to be so sick I can't cook.  I love cooking, baking, you name it.  LOVE IT.  But I'm too sick to cook right now.  Just a fact.  And I'm supposed to be eating veggies every day.  So much for that.

But aside from the veggies/salad thing, there's the bringing home crap thing.  There's just a weird disconnection here with his insisting on cooking crap he knows I can't have or is exceptionally bad for me.

W. T. F. ???

I really really wish he would just freaking STOP IT.

Ugh.

I Shouldn't Have To...

Fight for my health.
Beg for understanding when I'm too sick.
Point out that someone isn't really listening.
Explain myself.
Be the one to show someone they're behavior isn't kind or compassionate.
Listen to silence after asking a question.
Be disrespected on a daily basis.
Allow myself to be demoralized by another's actions or inactions.
DREAM of living my life like it's MY life--I should be living it that way.

But honestly, one of the top things I shouldn't have to fight for being able to change my diet as my doctors urge.  When I'm told by my doctors there are certain things I have to avoid and things I need to focus on when it comes to my diet.  It's critical, because with the pre-diabetes issue, which is no laughing matter, I have to be diligent.  Where the diligence falls to the wayside are things that are out of my control, be it grocery shopping, choosing the food, and cooking.  I've said I'm sick, but I don't think people realize how sick.

I can't shop for groceries or cook right now.  I simply can't, even if I try very hard.  Without the gory details I can say that things are very bad for me right now, health wise, and I have to fight like hell to fix what's going wrong with my blood sugar.  My family history I can't afford to be lax.  My mom and oldest sister passed away due to diabetic complications.

I can't wish away pre-diabetes.  I can't sit here and hope that, out of the blue, things will right themselves.  It takes purposeful action.  I have to eat the right foods, cooked the right way, and scale back the stress and anxiety to a minimum.  Right now I'm with someone who isn't on board with this and who is just as happy to eat pizza and cookies as salmon and salad (my faves).

Well.  I have to stop here because I'm not feeling well.  But I will be revisiting this topic soon, most likely tomorrow.

And.. life goes on.....

One Hundred and Twenty One.

So far the numbers, the diagnosis... just fails to sink in.  But as I read articles and forums of people with pre-diabetes talking and sharing information I've come to realize one thing that is more than just a little common: Most with "Prediabetes" tend NOT to take it seriously.  I'm one of them.  Even as my family history shows the incredibly high risk of type II diabetes it still just doesn't mean anything to me right now.

My mom and oldest sister both died of complications that began with diabetes.  That puts me at risk, a much higher risk of developing type II diabetes than the average person who doesn't have a family history.  And yet---I somehow just... don't... care.

9 days ago my Endocrinologist, who diagnosed me, gave me a sample of medication I'm supposed to inject once a week.  A 'sample' because some don't tolerate the medicine well AT ALL.  On one hand that's a reason I've not started it yet, but on the other hand I don't want or need the horrific possible side effects and wonder if it's worth the risk.  It's the only thing I can take at the time because of other health issues.  But still...

I take my fasting blood sugar each morning and it's been fairly consistent, with this morning being 121 (elevated by about 10 points from a few days ago).  Fluctuation is all.  But it still doesn't register. I'm aware and I don't care.

At the moment, and probably not due to any blood sugar issue... I'm hurting all over.  Time to lay down.  Pain, pain, and more pain.  Honestly, my intentions were to talk nutrition and plant-based diets vs other diets.  I'm just too weak and uncomfortable.  Maybe tomorrow....

Till later.....

Well. Damn.

If there's anything that I'm NOT afraid of it's doctors and needles.  I don't mind a shot when necessary, and I don't mind blood work or IVs when needed.  However, one thing I discovered today is: I rather NOT okay with giving injections to myself.  And that, unfortunately, is what it's come to... at least right now.

So I saw my Endocrinologist today regarding my lab results for Cushings, Adrenal Fatigue, and... blood sugar issues.  The latter was a big concern because I ended up with Cushing's Syndrome while taking Prednisone, long-term (approximately 3 months).  My allergist stated flat-out that I would be lucky NOT to end up with Type II Diabetes due to my reaction to the Prednisone.  Lovely.  Especially given that my mom and oldest sister both had it (both deceased).

I have other health issues so the drug my doctor wanted me on can't be an option right now.  Lucky me, instead I get an injection... a treatment for Diabetes that's used for PRE-Diabetes/Insulin Resistance--which is where I'm at right now.  Damn.

Serum fasting glucose, Glucose Tolerance Test, AND serum Insulin were taken to assess IF I were in trouble and how badly.  My fasting INSULIN was double what it should have been, my fasting glucose was 111, and at one point... my fasting glucose (in the past few months) was 123.  I had NO idea about that 123 FG.  So here I am having to give myself a lovely injection in my abdomen (skin) once a week for 2 weeks to see if I need to continue that or not, long term, OR... if she's going to put me on another protocol.

The GOOD news is, at least on this one test, my adrenals are perfectly fine and right in the middle of the normal range.  She doesn't completely trust it so wants to test them again in 2 weeks to see where it is.  I also have to have my A1C tested again in a couple of weeks.

It's begun.

I'm NOT looking forward to giving myself an injection, even IF it's an automatic device and pre-loaded.  Just YUCK!!

I have hypOglycemia symptoms and have had those in the past.  I won't explain the process here of what happens BEFORE a person ends up diabetic, etc., because it's more time and energy than I have right now.  But hypOglycemia symptoms suck pretty bad.  Weakness, shaking, fatigue, cold sweats, headaches, etc.  What fun.  However, we're not exactly sure what's causing the chronic pain.  Endo says she also wonders about a myositis situation given the elevated Aldolase on a couple of occasions.  It's not elevated NOW, but I also was on prednisone and Imuran for 3 months, so that took care of any inflammation there might have been in my muscles.. causing muscle breakdown.

I don't know how anyone will ever be able to nail down the cause of the muscle pain after my having been on corticosteroids.  I just don't know.

Well, the pain is pretty severe so am going to sign off for now.  Wish me luck in the morning when I have to give myself my first injection.

Nothing Tastes Good.

It's been a long road, this whole health thing.  I've yet to commit to a 'diet' to lose the prednisone weight, because choosing the right way is critical due to liver issues and other issues.  One diet may help one thing, while yet another may hurt something else.  It's a struggle, and one that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Shakeology is still my goal once I get a few GI issues under control, and sadly... I'm now lactose intolerant so have that to contend with.  Overall I understand where I am, where I'm heading, and where I need to be if I want to be healthy again.  Now, the cooperation I'm getting from T... or actually the lack thereof is yet another battle on top of the others.  What a freaking mess.

But nothing tastes good.  I've yet to find out what's up with that, but truly... nothing tastes good.  My appetite isn't in my 'stomach' anymore but in my whole body.  The only way I know I'm 'hungry' is when my body hurts and I'm dizzy, etc.  I really need answers to all of this to know where to begin.  If I were to just dive into 'dieting' I could do more harm than good.

On a higher note---I, for some reason, lost 19 pounds without trying.  Well.  I'll take it!  Still, getting to the bottom of things is key for me to make the commitment to eating a particular way in order to lose weight.  That's very important when it comes to the autoimmune hepatitis I deal with (in remission at this time, so that's good).  Losing weight too quickly also is very hard on the liver, so there's that.

My goal is to see my endocrinologist next Thursday for a follow-up after labs and see where I stand and what I do next.  Once I get the green flag I'll commit and hit the ground running---metaphorically speaking, of course.  I also need shoulder surgery for the torn rotator cuff that's making my life a living hell at the moment.  My Endo will also advise me on that based on labs so that I can have the surgery without a dangerous adrenal crash during surgery.  Once the shoulder is healed post-op then I can focus on exercise.  And trust me, most movement causes horrific pain, so I can't do much of anything at all at the moment.

Last but not least.... T needs to get out of my way and allow me to HEAL.  I've addressed this in my other blogs, but suffice it to say... he's not an ally in this journey.

Till next time....

It's My Blogger, I Can Whine If I Want To, Whine If I Want To...

You would whine too if it happened to youuuuuu! No, not really.  But it made for an intro that invoked a smile, even if a small one, right?  My busy week has left me wondering, unsure, and stuck in a health loop that I'm not sure will end easily.  Wow.  Like THAT doesn't sound familiar.

Life being what it is we just need to get things off our chest or deal with the consequences of, well, holding it all in until we lose it.  Right?  Right.  I suppose many people have their own way of dealing with or working through things life tosses their way, but for me.. I have many outlets.  Blogging, however is the one remaining on my list that I can actually use at the moment.  So be it.

I already talked about the elevated ferritin, so I'll leave that one be for the moment.  I saw an Endocrinologist yesterday who believes I have (((( wait for it  )))) Adrenal Fatigue caused by (((wait for it again! )))... long-term use of Prednisone.  I knoooooooooow!  *Putting on my best shocked face*  Basically what this means is that the prednisone put my adrenals to sleep and I have absolutely nothing to help me with ANY kind of stress.  I've been stressed for YEARS; Chronic, nearly 24/7 unbelievable stress, both emotional AND physical.  Then, I have to do a 12 day Pred Pac last year, then 3 months THIS year.  The thinking is that, because I went into Cushings Syndrome, my adrenals shut down.  And this is what happens when you develop Cushings.

I have almost every single symptom, and my Endo doc recognized what it is.  It can't be confirmed without blood work, and I got that today.  And tomorrow, because of the Pred, because of the Cushings, because of the possible adrenal fatigue.. I have to have glucose testing to see if my pancreas is damaged and I'm edging, or IN, the throes of diabetes.  My serum glucose is not showing overt diabetes, but that doesn't tell the entire story.  Type II diabetes is one of the more common side effects.  Nifty, huh?  *sigh*

The other appointment I had today was with my bone doc.  Got the MRI results back, and as suspected, I have a torn rotator cuff.  Surgery, because my arm is UNBELIEVABLY painful when I move, is the only option for me.  Day surgery, they'll repair the tear, file bone spurs, and send me home with pain meds and a few restrictions for a while.  There are two problems with proceeding right away with surgery is the fact that I have been on Prednisone and it was 'long-term.'  The other problem is the possible adrenal fatigue.  You can't add additional stress to the body when it basically lacks any defense.  Suppressed adrenals are VERY bad news, and in this case it would mean my body couldn't handle the physical stress of surgery, even minor surgery.  Getting upset at someone will shut you down completely when your adrenals are "asleep."

I can't go into all the details about adrenal fatigue because, literally, it would take a research paper to explain what it is in detail as well as the processes involved.  It's progressive if it isn't addressed and quickly.  People can be heading down that road for years and not even know it, and if you're on that road already... prednisone will push you right over the edge.  And it will.. WRECK. YOUR. LIFE.

So where I am right now in this is simple: Wait for blood test results to see IF what I'm dealing with actually IS adrenal fatigue, and go from there.

Not much else I can do.

Guess I'm done for now... arms too tired to type much longer.

Oh... hope you like the song I left for you guys....

Chronic Epic Failures.

As I reach for health and healing, returning to MY life, it's not without obstacles.  If you've been reading here for a while, and reading my other blogs, this has become glaringly apparent.  So why am I STILL struggling with this?  Why is it I'm still stuck in limbo and unable to help myself?  And WHY are the obstacles STILL here?  I have to say... there's no easy way to answer those questions.

Ever hear of situations where someone is trying to lose weight, or start an exercise program (or both) and they're met with resistance from someone very close to them or.. someone living with them?  Yeah.  Well.  That's where I am and where I've been.  And now that prednisone has put weight on me I have to struggle to take care of that, because dieting doesn't quite cut it.  There's a lot of different physical mechanisms in place that thwart that.  Not that you can't lose, but it takes a lot more diligence.

I've spoken to T so many times now about not bringing home junk food and garbage food.  The junk is easy to avoid, but T's favorite thing in the world is frozen food.  Ugh.  Nasty stuff.  Okay on occasion, but for me.. it's wrecking my health beyond reason.  Too much sodium and sugar, too many processed carbs, not nearly enough veggies.  Why even bother buying that crap?

Each weekend T insists on buying the groceries.  In my current state I can't really go anywhere anyway, so I'm at his mercy.  How is it he can easily forget the stern warnings from my doctors about eating as clean as possible... is beyond me.  And not a single discussion, and there've been MANY, seems to get it through his thick skull.  smh.

So he chooses 'easy and cheap' despite the warnings, the risks, and the damage to my already compromised health.

I was told yesterday that my triglycerides are up AGAIN, and now my ferritin is elevated above normal.  NEITHER of those things are good!  *sigh*  WTH am I supposed to do?

I'm still searching for answers to this because, honestly, this is a very dangerous road to be on for me.

Dammit.

Lucid Dream..

I had my first lucid dream.  At least I think it was my first.  You know how dreams are... some of them you just can't remember.  But this one was pretty clear, and it had the usual recurring theme as my dreams tend to have, which has been the way of my dreams nearly my entire life.  There are basically 3 recurring themes, but I won't get into those now.  But as dreams go, this one was quite different then all the others.

The dream:

I was home, in 'my' room doing nothing but sitting quietly on the bed and looking out the window.  Clouds outside were very low, dark, broiling... and they shifted into what I recognized as a tornado (common theme in my dreams and not in the least scary, btw).  I jumped up and ran into the living room looking to see what damage there might be, can I yelled out to T that there was a tornado.

I could see the deck out back was damaged, the railing torn, and some trees, etc. were damaged.  I then walked into the breakfast nook area, and this is when I noticed the furniture was different, the room was different, and outside the breakfast nook window was another room.. instead of the deck and gorgeous view.

Once I realized everything was different I stopped, turned a little bit and told T... "Oh.  Never mind.  It's is just a dream." I then just looked around quickly, amused that I was dreaming.. then woke.

Weird.

And I don't mind weird at all, but... I felt in my dream, as I do after waking from an interesting or otherwise really good dream, rather.. disappointed.  Perhaps it was because I felt as if I had control of things in the dream, and much less so than in real life.

Whatever caused this lucid dream--I hope it happens again, because... I rather liked it.  Honestly, I wish I felt in real life the way I do in my dreams.  Why?  Because it's more like 'living.'

"You've chosen lessons of pain"

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

Getting it all off my chest.

Well, it's a little cathartic to be able to vent, to scrutinize, to assess, to get it all out when something's bothering me.  If you want to know exactly what I'm talking about... it's HERE.  PART I and PART II were needed as this was, well, you'll see if you're curious enough to go there and read.  The discussion was about Beta men vs Alpha men and the necessary balance of power in a relationship.  I'm past that now, moving on, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do about my life as it is at the moment... not much of a life at all.  Aren't I always struggling with this?  Don't answer.

Exhaustion overcomes on the other side of stress.  I'm pretty much there at the moment and fighting like hell to defeat its encroachment.  What I'm left with is a familiar struggle to find my strength and focus again.  It's okay.  It is what it is.

I have to face each day like I don't remember the one before.  I can't allow myself to have any regrets, or allow the sense that I lost yet another 24 hours of my life.  There aren't any do-overs.  What I do is wake and think to myself.. "Today is the day."  It's a mantra of sorts, and one that has yet to actually work.

I'm spent.  Working on those two hefty entries has left me with virtually nothing.  So, if you're curious... click on the link above to read the most of today's crapola.

"G" gave me an ORDER! OH NO SHE DI'NT!

OH yes she did! ;p  And then we cracked up, drank coffee, and drained our cell phone batteries talking.

Basically, we have this same conversation about twice a month, sometimes more often depending on how much I put into my blogs.  You see, she has ONE blog that she pours absolutely everything into.  And that works for her.  Not so much for me.  So, on occasion, like yesterday, she told me I "Absolutely must" put re-share the links across my blogs so people realize I'm not always saying the same thing in all the same places.  Okay.  If I must. ;p  She's a good egg, so I'll indulge her every so often.

The one thing I'm not on board with is her insistence that I talk here about the same things I talk to HER about.  Yeah, no.... I don't think ANYONE is ready for THAT! lol


NOTE: The links below can also be found on the menu section in each of my blogs.  Easy peasy. ;)

My other blogs:

Boo's Juicy Bits

This Free Spirit

Where Fireflies Dream

The Crap I Spew

All Things Ephemeral


Happy now, G?  Now let's see you bring some order to that mincemeat you call a blog. (*snort*).

Yeah, we've been friends for several years so can jab at each other.  All in good fun.. :)

Anger? Surprise? Inspiration at its worst? WTH?

REPOST from my other blog(s):

Sometimes I get a spark of something that inspires me.  Such inspiration doesn't always present itself in the best way, though, but I usually try to go with it when it happens.  Such gems shouldn't be taken for granted but taken advantage of.  It really is that rare.

In the midst of fighting for every drop of energy that can be found wherever it is I can find it, a tiny burst will make its way into the day and nudge me.  Okay, I can certainly deal with that.  Wish there were MORE of it, but I'll take what I can get and go with it nonetheless.

The fuel for this little 'fire' isn't from a good source, definitely not a positive force, and most definitely not from a pleasant source.  Be that as it may, there it is... kind of like when your dog has an accident and you're left looking at it wondering to yourself what you did to deserve such a... 'gift'? lol  Okay, okay... enough with lame attempts at comedy.  Even so, the conversation with a friend of mine earlier today was what ignited this whatever-it-is and sent me on a journey to try and put my thoughts in order.  I found the results of that rather.. lacking.

All this blabbering, to be honest, is just my working through it all.  Not the conversation, because that was interesting and creatively invigorating.  But the chaos I'm dealing within the thought process at the moment is simply trying to pull together the shards of data that's left from past experience.  Anyone who understands this knows where I'm coming from.  G knows.  She gets it.  And, from what I read on her blog(s)... she's been able to run with it without tripping like a clown every step of the way that I've been.  Eh.  I'm still confident that this purging will eliminate the chaff and reveal the good stuff.  I'll be back to discuss that when it happens.

The Art of ASSumption & The Most Powerful Thing To Be.

I spent the last 1/2 hour or so talking on the phone to a friend of mine, who also has a blog as well, and we talked about life, health, girl stuff, and so on.  During the course of the conversation, and as the conversation settled into more meaningful, deeper topics... we both came to the realization that scrutiny is good, and ASSumption is bad.  Okay.  Sounds silly when you put it like that, but why confuse the issue with pretty words?

Somewhere between acquiring information and implementing reason something can go very, very awry, and the consequences aren't anything to write home about.  So why do people fall prey to the rather weak lure of assumption when the truth is often, though not always, fairly interesting?  G and I concluded that we definitely are in the middle of a dung-pile of thrill-seekers who can't handle being removed from the most caustic drama available.  And when it's not available... they set about constructing the facade that will most assist them in their endeavor to be shocked, appalled, thrilled, and mortified.  How crazy is that?  Well, maybe it's not crazy at all.

Humans thrive on drama.  Whether you have drama in your life or not, and it doesn't matter who's fault the drama is, people just can't seem to help themselves when said drama isn't up to par for their taste.  It takes talent, G and I agree on this, and we believe that in all seriousness people hone and perfect this skill that is not at all unlike mental heroin.  Once people try it.. they can't do without it, and when their 'stash' of drama runs low, or it's just not doing it anymore for them, they have to enhance it somehow.

Right before G and I hung up so we could, you know, blog about it (grin)... we both thought there was, in so many ways, a certain kind of power with being honest with blogging AND life.  When you realize your advantage, when it finally hits you that you're actually in a position power... the anger against having ASSumption being projected on you... that's the moment you win.

The most powerful thing to be, hands-down, is underestimated.

Now, this isn't anything new.  I've known this, as most do, my whole life.  Or at least fairly early on at some point... usually in childhood.  Even if we don't recognize it right off deep in our gut we know.  The first time someone doesn't believe us when we're telling the truth--realization sets in.  And either then, or later on in life, at some point in time... you understand fully that the moment people don't give you credit for having intelligence is the moment they relinquish their own power.. to you.

People who don't respect you try, even subconsciously, to discredit you.  This is a very strong form of underestimation of you as a person.  This means they underestimate you, therefore, can't predict what you will say, do, or think at any moment in any situation.  The mistrust they infuse doesn't move beyond themselves and, therefore... they weaken their own ability to 'keep up.'  My question in all of this is.. "Why on earth would they deliberately assume the position of weakness?"  Well, that's something only those people can answer.

I can be amused by all of this easily.  However, as G and I agreed, there's a certain element of pity that comes into play when you realize that when people choose to inject ASSumption into truth that their lives must become terribly distorted as a result.  How can anyone find anything good if the distortion becomes a barrier to actual communication?

At this moment I can visualize G blogging away frantically---excited to know she's not as powerless as she once thought.  It was a good conversation.

Off to re-post on my other blogs, then to read G's blog...

What a weird freaking day.