I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs. The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen. Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context. Make sense?
My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...
Boo's Juicy Bits: The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life. There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages. If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well. And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well. The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.
Where Fireflies Dream: Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point. Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts. Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)
This Free Spirit: The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me. It's a place to talk about abuse. Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least. My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences. This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.
All Things Ephemeral: Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail. The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see. However, this is changing. I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal. Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that. But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!
New blog. Honestly, sometimes I wonder where I get all the time to post in all of these. In some ways having the focuses of my entries in separate blogs helps me maintain cohesive thought.... well, at least I TRY. Expressing everything in one common place just makes for a serious muddle in which it's difficult to sift through sometimes. I mean, I revisit some of my entries to see where I am. I mean, isn't that what a 'diary' is for?
Well, this new one is about the ongoing processes of working out past injuries, as well as current ones...
Either way, it was a moral imperative. Finding my way in the dark is a necessity, and the link below will provide you with a window on which to see this happen. It's not always going to pleasant...
Once again, M... you need to see/hear this. It will resonate with you... please listen carefully. It may just change your life for the better. Your happiness is important, and don't EVER let anyone tell you otherwise.
M.. and whoever may need this... listen carefully. Delusion Dispeller has two psych degrees and has personal experience. Listen carefully. You can also see her other videos, including the first two before this one....
I'm unimpressed. I'm completely unimpressed by T, and by the way most guys treat women. In my particular case, the disrespect is dehumanizing, demoralizing, belittling, and disappointing beyond anything I've known. It's not just this relationship, but in the past as well. My choices have NOT been the greatest, and my guess it's because I'm trusting and take people at face-value. This is NOT a good thing. At all.
As of yesterday a new low has been established, and I'm in no position to do anything about it. Thus is the case when dealing with control freaks who refuse to see that they're actions are completely selfish and self-serving. DON'T VOLUNTEER to do something for someone if you're only going to use it to gain control over that person! DAMN! How hard is that to understand?
All my doctor's appointments are now between my doctors and T. Why? Because ALL appointments aren't about what's necessary, or needed, or critical, or about doing tests etc in a 'timely fashion.' Nope. NOW my appointments are about what's convenient for T. It's about what he does or does not feel like doing, what works with his schedule (he's been told he needs to use a lot of his leave or lose it), and none of it has a thing to do with... me, you know, the actual patient.
Yesterday was a disaster, stressful beyond reason, frustrating in that I'm basically told I no longer have any control on when or what time I get an appointment. *sigh* One major symptom of late makes it dangerous for me to drive much beyond a few miles of my house. Dizziness/vertigo doesn't exactly translate into "safe driving." So I'm stuck for the time being, screwed beyond reason, because I have to wait for T to decide when I can see my ENT or Neurologist regarding the severe tinnitus, vertigo and dizziness that's come on over the past couple of weeks. I sit. And I wait. For HIM to decide when it's a good time to see the doctor about this.
Why the F***K am I here????!!!! Being here is unhealthy, both physically and emotionally. It's detrimental to my health and well-being, and the inner workings of living in this house with T has destroyed my quality of life.
Now, some of you know my recent history with relationships and know what I've gone through. I also know what you're most likely going to say to me and expect that email eventually. It's okay. Send it on. Maybe I need to hear that.. 'again.' ;) Either way, you're most likely seeing something familiar in all of what I'm writing, in which case I will say... I do too.
More later. I promise... the flood gates are open now...
Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah. No.. patience is a skill! I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat. Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough. Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health. Enough is enough. Right?
I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.' What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite. While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation. It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent. Some of this most people already know. In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person. And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.
Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure! Funny, I know... but absolutely true. When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps. If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.
If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.
There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it. And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category. If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there. Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust. And by "personal social network" I mean just that. Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.
The enablers...
These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you. This is neither appropriate or helpful. There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.' People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.' There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation. But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do. These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope. They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire. Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.
The Borg...
Think I'm kidding here? lol I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain. As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them. These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse. Sounds crazy, yes? These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger. And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation. Steer clear of these types!
The zombies...
Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do. Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so. They feel nothing, and they're relentless. The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one. Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest. Period. Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing. Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?
While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable. This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all. This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.
Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being. Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must. But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.
My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person. Truth.
Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah. No.. patience is a skill! I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat. Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough. Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health. Enough is enough. Right?
I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.' What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite. While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation. It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent. Some of this most people already know. In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person. And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.
Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure! Funny, I know... but absolutely true. When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps. If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.
If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.
There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it. And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category. If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there. Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust. And by "personal social network" I mean just that. Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.
The enablers...
These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you. This is neither appropriate or helpful. There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.' People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.' There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation. But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do. These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope. They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire. Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.
The Borg...
Think I'm kidding here? lol I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain. As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them. These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse. Sounds crazy, yes? These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger. And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation. Steer clear of these types!
The zombies...
Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do. Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so. They feel nothing, and they're relentless. The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one. Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest. Period. Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing. Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?
While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable. This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all. This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.
Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being. Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must. But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.
My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person. Truth.
I am a person, a human, a woman, someone with feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, intelligence, passion, and a heart. I feel, breathe, think, love, hope, hurt, give, and bleed. I am sensitive, patient, empathetic, sympathetic, spiritual, and I feel deeply what is sent my way. My pain is real. My joy is real. My love is real.
I am real.
Because I am, I feel. Because I think, I feel. Because I breathe, I feel. Because I have a soul, I feel. And what I feel is exactly everything. When you speak, I feel your words, and when you don't, I feel that as well.
I hear you when you're not talking. I see you when you're not there. My mind, soul, spirit and heart remembers everything. I feel everything you've said, done, not said and not done, and it has changed parts of me, of who I am. But I will find a way and strive each and every day to heal, to restore all that I once was.
The parts of me you broke with your words and actions, or inactions, are still there. Every shattered part of me holds on and waits to be healed.
I am healing, though much slower than I'd hoped.
Inside there are are pieces that aren't mine at all but harmful remnants of an experience that threatened to change me completely, insidious shrapnel of an emotional war I never wanted to be a part of.
I'm passed the part where I forgive myself for willingly allowing myself to think everything I experienced was okay. I apologized for allowing so much harm to be done as I did nothing. I no longer ask myself 'why' I didn't exit much sooner than I did. I've come to the conclusion that some things I will most likely never come to terms with, maybe not even completely heal from. I can't say goodbye or get closure from someone who basically didn't actually exist. Realizing that everything you thought you knew about someone wasn't real is beyond difficult, because there is no one to say goodbye to when the relationship ends.
I will heal. Eventually I will be fully me again. But there is much to sort out even now. The wound opens time and time again because closure wasn't possible, and I work to forgive, repeatedly repair the damage that never seems to fully heal.
Anger is part of the process of letting go. In the stages of loss, which happens with breakups, one must absolutely feel every stage. But who am I to be angry at, sad over, etc? The person I fell in love with, in the end, revealed so much about themselves as their guard went down that I didn't even recognize them. At all. I was allowed to see what they wanted me to see early-on, and I fell in love with THAT person, a person who disappeared completely and was replaced by.... a stranger. I did not recognize that person and never saw the one I'd fallen in love with again. So when things finally ended, there I was, wondering who I was supposed to say goodbye to.
More on this later as it's bigger than I'm able to speak about or even deal with in-short.
Is this the beginning of getting back to me again?
I literally just wrote several paragraphs before deleting every one of them. It's my state of mind at the moment, I suppose, really feeling like I need to talk about so much but finding the words impossible to convey what's needed. Speaking my mind these days isn't always easy, and trying to speak my mind in uncertain terms usually ends up being the case. Where did the girl go who could quite easily let it all flow out onto the page, or screen as it were? Dammit.
Where is my voice? Have I simply worn myself out by expressing what I feel and need? Is there some cutoff inside that totally prohibits discussion on a matter that's been beaten to death with no resolution from the other side? Where the hell is my voice?! Too much going on. Too much unresolved issues. Too much indifference. Too much passive-aggressive controlling from T. Too many unspoken and unreasonable demands put upon me. At some point a person under "Too much" gives in, gives up, or gives out; I tend to vacillate between all three.
When I speak, to whom do I speak? That's a rhetorical question, btw. I need to talk about what's going on with my health, my lack of any quality of life, my concerns, my needs, my life. And yet, here I am pouring out what I need to talk about online, rather than talking about what I need. Geez. I'm starting to not make much sense, but I'm sure a few of you get where I'm coming from. It's a familiar place to many, though probably not to all. This place, this unhealthy place where I am right now, is actually making it more difficult to speak my mind.
Have I developed so much mistrust in people that I can't bring myself to actually say what I need to say? This has been an ongoing theme in my life (and here) for quite some time now, and where I was once able to pour out my heart and soul and mind freely, it just seems as if every part of me that should be free is tightly shackled, gagged, and sedated by defeat. That's not a good thing.
Once upon a time I would pour out my soul here. Those of you who've been reading my blogs know exactly what I'm talking about. Wether I was raging, hopeful, dreaming, wishful, happy, sad, surprised, or any other number of feelings... I was able to convey everything clearly right here, even if I weren't speaking to anyone else face-to-face. So what's happened?
I know the answer already, though it's really difficult to say 'out loud.' But as a first step to getting over this wall, or breaking it down, I can honestly say that I am a product of my recent history, and by 'recent' I mean over the last few years.
After being raged at and punished for speaking my mind the wall was built. I really didn't know it was happening on all levels, but deep inside I knew, and I let it happen. Frankly, it was absolutely necessary when it was happening. The wall went up to protect myself, and now I can't seem to break it down again.
So, how does one get past this? *shrugs* Beats me. But it needs to be done. HAS to be done.
