Purity Ring - Obedear [HD]

Like I need another hole in the head

New blog.  Honestly, sometimes I wonder where I get all the time to post in all of these.  In some ways having the focuses of my entries in separate blogs helps me maintain cohesive thought.... well, at least I TRY.  Expressing everything in one common place just makes for a serious muddle in which it's difficult to sift through sometimes.  I mean, I revisit some of my entries to see where I am.  I mean, isn't that what a 'diary' is for?

Well, this new one is about the ongoing processes of working out past injuries, as well as current ones...

Either way, it was a moral imperative.  Finding my way in the dark is a necessity, and the link below will provide you with a window on which to see this happen.  It's not always going to pleasant...

This Free Spirit

OR

http://abusebondsbroken.blogspot.com

Narcissists Destroy Who they cannot Control

Once again, M... you need to see/hear this.  It will resonate with you... please listen carefully.  It may just change your life for the better.  Your happiness is important, and don't EVER let anyone tell you otherwise.

III Sex with the Narcissist

M.. and whoever may need this... listen carefully.  Delusion Dispeller has two psych degrees and has personal experience.  Listen carefully.  You can also see her other videos, including the first two before this one....

PART 2: Selfishness as a matter of convenience (Where's the respect??)

I'm unimpressed.  I'm completely unimpressed by T, and by the way most guys treat women.  In my particular case, the disrespect is dehumanizing, demoralizing, belittling, and disappointing beyond anything I've known.  It's not just this relationship, but in the past as well.  My choices have NOT been the greatest, and my guess it's because I'm trusting and take people at face-value.  This is NOT a good thing.  At all.

As of yesterday a new low has been established, and I'm in no position to do anything about it.  Thus is the case when dealing with control freaks who refuse to see that they're actions are completely selfish and self-serving.  DON'T VOLUNTEER to do something for someone if you're only going to use it to gain control over that person!  DAMN!  How hard is that to understand?

All my doctor's appointments are now between my doctors and T.  Why?  Because ALL appointments aren't about what's necessary, or needed, or critical, or about doing tests etc in a 'timely fashion.'  Nope.  NOW my appointments are about what's convenient for T.  It's about what he does or does not feel like doing, what works with his schedule (he's been told he needs to use a lot of his leave or lose it), and none of it has a thing to do with... me, you know, the actual patient.

Yesterday was a disaster, stressful beyond reason, frustrating in that I'm basically told I no longer have any control on when or what time I get an appointment.  *sigh*  One major symptom of late makes it dangerous for me to drive much beyond a few miles of my house.  Dizziness/vertigo doesn't exactly translate into "safe driving."  So I'm stuck for the time being, screwed beyond reason, because I have to wait for T to decide when I can see my ENT or Neurologist regarding the severe tinnitus, vertigo and dizziness that's come on over the past couple of weeks.  I sit.  And I wait.  For HIM to decide when it's a good time to see the doctor about this.

Why the F***K am I here????!!!!  Being here is unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.  It's detrimental to my health and well-being, and the inner workings of living in this house with T has destroyed my quality of life.

Now, some of you know my recent history with relationships and know what I've gone through.  I also know what you're most likely going to say to me and expect that email eventually.  It's okay.  Send it on.  Maybe I need to hear that.. 'again.' ;)  Either way, you're most likely seeing something familiar in all of what I'm writing, in which case I will say... I do too.

More later.  I promise... the flood gates are open now...

Finally.

Signs of Emotional Abuse and How to Respond (Episode 16)

For you M... and for anyone who needs to hear this.  You know who you are, and you know how this feels.

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.