Lucid Dream..

I had my first lucid dream.  At least I think it was my first.  You know how dreams are... some of them you just can't remember.  But this one was pretty clear, and it had the usual recurring theme as my dreams tend to have, which has been the way of my dreams nearly my entire life.  There are basically 3 recurring themes, but I won't get into those now.  But as dreams go, this one was quite different then all the others.

The dream:

I was home, in 'my' room doing nothing but sitting quietly on the bed and looking out the window.  Clouds outside were very low, dark, broiling... and they shifted into what I recognized as a tornado (common theme in my dreams and not in the least scary, btw).  I jumped up and ran into the living room looking to see what damage there might be, can I yelled out to T that there was a tornado.

I could see the deck out back was damaged, the railing torn, and some trees, etc. were damaged.  I then walked into the breakfast nook area, and this is when I noticed the furniture was different, the room was different, and outside the breakfast nook window was another room.. instead of the deck and gorgeous view.

Once I realized everything was different I stopped, turned a little bit and told T... "Oh.  Never mind.  It's is just a dream." I then just looked around quickly, amused that I was dreaming.. then woke.

Weird.

And I don't mind weird at all, but... I felt in my dream, as I do after waking from an interesting or otherwise really good dream, rather.. disappointed.  Perhaps it was because I felt as if I had control of things in the dream, and much less so than in real life.

Whatever caused this lucid dream--I hope it happens again, because... I rather liked it.  Honestly, I wish I felt in real life the way I do in my dreams.  Why?  Because it's more like 'living.'

Random Thoughts at 3am

I had to make that meme.  I suppose it's just that one goofy part of me (sense of humor) that refuses to buckle under the health issues.  Yeah, I'm just ninja like that.

ANYHOO....Insomnia is a fickle bedfellow these days.  Incredibly unpredictable, I never quite know what it is I'm facing when I get into bed each night.  There's something triggering me to wake up when I go to bed, but I've yet to pinpoint exactly what that is.  Even nodding off on the sofa prior to going to bed doesn't guarantee I'll sleep once I get there, and in fact... it's almost a given now that I'm going to be waiting up, tossing and turning, until the wee hours of the night.  And what does this do besides keep me tired and exhausted?  For one, I get strange dreams, ones I really could've done without.  No, not nightmares... just dreams.  But still...

So it's 2am, 3am.. and stupid, random thoughts pop into my brain, which triggers more thinking, thinking, thinking... blah blah blah.  Damn.  Seriously.  WTH?  Most of it isn't even worth thinking about, I promise.

Okay, so falling back asleep this morning in hopes of getting about 5 hours I had a dream, and one that puzzles the crap out of me.  Well, I suppose most dreams don't make sense, right?  They're usually random babbling and broken intel of things we are either not dealing with, dealing with poorly, or unaware that we need to deal, you know, with those things.  But what about those dreams that aren't as chaotic and confusing?  What about the dreams that leave us thinking.. "Wow. That was so REAL!"  What about THOSE dreams?  You know the kind I'm talking about.

If your dream makes sense, what's the message?  That's the big question, isn't it?

I'm not sure what to make of my dream.  The content, which I'm not wanting to talk about, I think I understand, but my REACTION to it is yet another thing entirely.  It made me sad, seeing what I saw in the dream, though the actual thing happening wasn't a sad thing at all.  So.. wth gives?

Sorry to be vague about the dream itself, but some things are just TOO revealing of my own thoughts and feelings, feelings I'd rather keep to myself.  I'm trusting my instincts on this.  I may actually talk about this stuff in detail at some point, but I prefer to wait until I'm ready.  Hope you guys understand.

The other crazy thing that's happened today, post-dream, is that I feel a little anxious about my future.  It's like I'm being forced to assess what I want and how I plan to go about getting what I want, in terms of my future, happiness, health, and so on.  I don't have the luxury of being on auto-pilot, so introspection and continually assessing where I am and where I'm heading is really important.  T is more of an auto-pilot type, and it's not always easy for someone like me who's trying to take the wheel of my own life to be around someone who's just, well, letting life happen to him.  Not to say that his life is bad, because he's really chill and content most of the time.  I like to see where I'm heading, though, so laying back and riding the current isn't going to work for me right now.  Not sure it will ever work, to tell you the truth.

I wish I knew what my subconscious was trying to tell me.  I have a guess, but I don't LIKE that guess so am keeping an open mind and hoping I'm full of it. ;p

That's a lot of writing for someone who's as tired as I am.  Sheesh....