I will refer to my friend as R in order to keep her anonymous...
Skipping over the tearful parts (because she reads my blogs) I will say that the entire subject matter of our 3 hour+ conversation was primarily about guys and their epic failures in relationships. Now, for the couple of guy friends who I've given my blog addresses to... you know I'm not referring to you! Some guys are sweet, genuine, real gentleman...to say the least, but those guys are very, VERY rare, and I will tell you this---you will NOT meet those great guys online. Sorry to burst the bubbles of those on dating sites, but... you simply won't. Advice---save yourself the grief of even going there (online dating sites), because pretty much everyone I've ever met, with the exception of one person who met her guy on a Christian dating site (one you pay for), has found that there's mostly riffraff on there. And ladies...seriously, it does NOT matter what they guy does for a living or how much money he has! Just don't go there!
Okay, so R's ex (a recent event, btw) seemed to have been maintaining his profile on a popular dating site...the entire time he was with her. God, but her story sounds just like mine with my ex! She found out via another friend who is also on the site...when he showed up in her searches (same thing that happened to me). So as she cried and expressed her shock, bewilderment, hurt, and anger over the phone... I remained quiet, thoughtful, and listening, because I have been where she is now, and it's one seriously ugly place to be.
I think it probably took her a good 2-30 minutes of crying and venting before she took that deep breath, sighed, and waited for me to respond. She already knew my history, which means she knew I would understand. And I do. I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and I told her she had every single right to feel outraged for what was done to her by this "guy" (whom I did not ever refer to as a "man" for obvious reasons). Then she began to gush details, ones that in the light of day and 'after the fact' are really... well, rather hilarious.
She spoke of his quirks, personality flaws, and especially about his sexual inadequacies, ones he apparently was quite proud of. I have to wonder if all guys are clueless to the things THEY like... that simply don't work for women? So we talked about this for a bit, about why guys sometimes do what they do in the bedroom when it only benefits them and leaves their partner... well, unsatisfied.. or turned off completely. With the latter in mind, the real conversation began. She spoke of how the last year of their relationship she'd gone completely bored with him, sexually, how everything he did was for himself, and how he seemed shocked and angry because she was losing interest and couldn't hide it any longer. She spoke of conversations she had with him that, at the time, seemed SO serious...when in retrospect were completely laughable. Hindsight, you know... lol I've had many revelations like that myself.
I felt for her as she told me in great bloody detail how her guy had failed repeatedly to perform. "Hours. We would do it for hours, with his talking and moaning and going on and on and on. I mean, he was so into his performance, into himself that I think he completely forgot I was even there! What the hell?" After a moment's pause and neither of us saying anything... we both started laughing. Suddenly the unspoken part of our mutual understanding of such things became something we could laugh about. This is a good thing.
She told me that he was attempting to perform OS on her and that after some time of his robotic performance she told him to stop...to just stop. Wow, I have to say this one really hit home for me, because the very last time "I" enjoyed or even wanted OS this was done to me, as punishment (a subject for another day). And when she said, "I told him that was it. I didn't want him to ever do that to me again!" Well, we can certainly say this was an epic failure on his part. And as R talked... I could see, like with my previous situation, that this really was the beginning of the end for her.
She spoke of issues beyond sex, the cruelty, the way he made himself scarce in her life... leaving her wide open for meeting someone else, etc. How is it, we both wondered, that guys can be that blind to the things they do that change the way their GF's or wives feel about them?..only to go on to blame her for the relationship eroding? It's a mystery, I'll tell ya. A mystery. But R and I had a lot of laughs as we talked, and she at least was able to get to a point in the conversation where she was focusing on what she REALLY wanted in a guy, a relationship, rather than the time wasted with someone who honestly didn't have her best interest in mind anyway.
"He's not going to even notice I'm gone until, during sex, he looks down and sees that I'm actually not there!" lol I will never forget that phrase! Hilarious.
I'd asked a guy friend of mine about 3 years ago why some men behave this way, and he said that not all guys do, then added... "A lot of guys are attracted to themselves" and added that if the woman makes HIM feel sexy then he feels attracted to her for that reason, that men can actually be turned on by their own performance in bed, rather than the women they're actually in bed with. WOW! I was really shocked to hear this, though I shouldn't have been given my experience.
My friend, whom I will call "C," is extremely intelligent, has a lot of guy friends, women friends, and is fairly open and blunt when he speaks. He'd been warning me about my situation nearly the entire time as he saw things in my relationship that were, in his words, huge warning signs. Should I have listened to him? I don't know, because I believe that everyone that comes into our lives are there for a reason, and it's usually to teach us something. In my case, a couple of things broke, and I mean really broke that I'm pretty sure can't ever be repaired. The experience changed me so significantly in a couple of ways that I just don't see those parts of me ever returning to what they were prior to the relationship.
I can't really can't say here what it is that's broke so completely due to account settings. I'm not sure if anyone 'under age' has stumbled across my blogs or not, so I have to keep some of this on the down-low.... until I change my settings back again to include a warning for adult content. Until then, let's just suffice it to say that while I mourn the parts of me that were shattered in that relationship I do recognize the protective stance I've taken since then. My trust in guys is severely diminished due to what I went through, and I don't allow anyone to reach that vital part of me, of who I am. Maybe this would change if I resumed therapy, which I had to resort to after the break up so I could repair most of what was damaged. But, I'm not exactly sure I'm ready for that, because a huge part of me likes things just as they are.
The person I'm with right now has been flourishing in the 'epic fail' department. He knows, and he's not given any of it any real thought, time, attention, nor is he made any effort to work on things. His bad, because I'm beyond arms-length now and am completely focused on my health and well-being, rather than him. It was a natural course of events as my health plummeted under the onslaught of the past and the damaging effects of the now. As controlling as the previous relationship was, this one is as controlling...but in a very different way. Either way, control doesn't work for me, and I am going to give absolutely everything I have to regaining my health, self-esteem, and repairing my damaged self-respect. These are the only things that matter right now.
R and I had a good conversation, and one that ended with us both laughing. I think she's going to break free from those traumatic bonds and move forward as a strong, single woman. She isn't up for another relationship, and I can certainly understand that on SO many levels! For me, I refuse to be another afterthought, slave, or punching bag for any guy. If I'm not appreciated, then I will appreciate myself first and foremost. It's the least I can do.
The conversation with R has reminded me of things I'd left for dead in my recent past. So be it. I'm sure I needed reminding for some reason. Maybe that will be my motivation to plug ahead with getting my health in check, to become stronger inside and out, and to also remind myself that the choices I've made in light of my past are mine to make and mine to keep. What's done is done, and thought I came out on the other side of things somewhat broken, changed... it's probably for the best.
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