I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.' What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite. While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation. It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent. Some of this most people already know. In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person. And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.
Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure! Funny, I know... but absolutely true. When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps. If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.
If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.
There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it. And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category. If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there. Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust. And by "personal social network" I mean just that. Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.
The enablers...
These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you. This is neither appropriate or helpful. There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.' People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.' There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation. But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do. These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope. They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire. Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.
The Borg...
Think I'm kidding here? lol I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain. As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them. These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse. Sounds crazy, yes? These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger. And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation. Steer clear of these types!
The zombies...
Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do. Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so. They feel nothing, and they're relentless. The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one. Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest. Period. Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing. Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?
While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable. This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all. This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.
Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being. Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must. But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.
My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person. Truth.
Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah. No.. patience is a skill! I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat. Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough. Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health. Enough is enough. Right?
I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.' What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite. While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation. It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent. Some of this most people already know. In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person. And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.
Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure! Funny, I know... but absolutely true. When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps. If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.
If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.
There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it. And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category. If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there. Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust. And by "personal social network" I mean just that. Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.
The enablers...
These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you. This is neither appropriate or helpful. There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.' People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.' There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation. But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do. These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope. They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire. Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.
The Borg...
Think I'm kidding here? lol I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain. As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them. These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse. Sounds crazy, yes? These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger. And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation. Steer clear of these types!
The zombies...
Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do. Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so. They feel nothing, and they're relentless. The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one. Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest. Period. Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing. Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?
While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable. This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all. This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.
Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being. Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must. But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.
My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person. Truth.
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