Insomnia is the usual case for me, especially over the past year. Very difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult waking up. It's not that I don't wake up, it's more that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do. This has been destroying my quality of life for some time now. And last night was an unusual event as I slept for about 12 hours. I do have to say, however, that it wasn't an unbroken sleep. But even if within that broken 12 hours I managed to get 11 hours, I can feel a bit of change today. Hasn't resolved everything, but I feel somewhat different. This has to be brought under control. And this... effects EVERYTHING about my life. EVERYTHING.
Sometimes, after I have a fairly decent night's sleep I wake up feeling odd, too aware of everything. I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell you the truth. In fact, it's quite unsettling. In the fog of sleep deprivation and other limiting health issues it's almost a Godsend to have reality blurred somewhat. I know it sounds crazy, but you don't know my life.. not really. My 'life' hovers on the edges of that blurred reality for the most part, and when the lines begin to sharpen around what I've been ignoring and the stark reality of what actually IS...my anxiety builds. Why? Well, isn't it obvious? Frankly put---I don't like my reality.
Changing my reality:
I've not given up. I'm searching for answers. If those answers are WITHIN me, then those things are buried DEEP, because I can't seem to access them at all. So what's next? Yeah, you hear that a lot here, don't you? If I had the answers to that I'd already being doing it, trust me.
Still, I have to compartmentalize everything these days just so I can deal; I think we all pretty much do this. I guess the trick is to not completely seal everything off. *shrugs*
Healing. Healing is absolutely NECESSARY to getting back to myself again. I have to heal in mind, body, and spirit. No matter what, I will have no quality of life if I don't heal. So how do I do that? How do I heal while in a place that isn't conducive to healing? THAT is the million dollar question.
I'm stuck:
What do I do? Where do I go? How do I start? When do I start? How long will it take? Which path is right? Will I find my footing?
There isn't a single soul around that I can talk to about this. The few people I have to talk to I can't open up to. It's difficult to talk to someone who's not listening.
There's nothing that instills mistrust in another person than trying to talk to someone about something critical, important and having them shrug it off as if it's insignificant. I'm not a fool, and I can tell when someone really could give a shit less. All it takes is once, and I won't open up to that person again...
"Sorry to hear that. Hope you feel better soon." Wow. Can't tell you how much this one puts me off.
Platitudes are not only insulting and hurtful to me, but they make you look shallow and self-absorbed. Seriously.
It's been said that we live in a 'ME ME ME' era, and I have to agree. Opening up to another human being, wether a friend or relative, is almost pointless these days. At least it's been this way for me. And...this is why I have blogs. Opening up to people usually just brings on the deadpan platitudes that actually make me feel worse.
Does anyone in this country give a shit about anything at all?
Even T is deadpan, self-absorbed to the point of not seeing or hearing or feeling anything about anyone around him. Most of all me. But I'm adjusting to that, which means... my feelings toward him are changing radically, and now... irreversibly. He was warned about this some time back, so he knew the risk of maintaining the status-quo. Once I accepted that I have to focus on myself in order to heal, to get well, to reach for a better quality of life, to be happy, hopeful, and vibrant... things became both easier and more difficult at the same time. I never expected this to be easy.
Back to sleep...
My dreams tell all. I tend to dream a lot these days, and I dream of a reality that isn't, or at least used to be, MY reality. I'm never tired, sick, painful, or alone in my dreams. When I sleep.. I'm exactly where I want to be in my waking life. I know what it is that I want, and my subconscious is showing me every single night how vastly WRONG my actual life is. Many times I absolutely hate waking up.
It's going to be a long process, reaching my goals, and I will have to remind myself each and every day what those goals are. I will also have to do everything in my power not to give up, because what happens in the reality of my life makes me want to give up. This isn't a good thing. At all.
So, what now?
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