It's funny what we take for granted, isn't it? At a frazzled pace we go through our lives not really paying much attention to the really little things until, that is, we're at risk of losing them. I'm no exception to this. For example, seeing photos of Colorado, Wisconsin, Minnesota, or the California coastline.... showing a brilliantly blue sky with puffy clouds... well, that seems vital to me right now, somehow more relevant than it had been. I've been to those places, lived there actually, so seeing photos depicting what memories I have brings all my current needs to the surface in a quick and fierce rush that leaves me breathless. This is no exaggeration.
That life, MY life, seemed long ago, and I now wonder what this ghost, held still by this mortal coil, would do if I simply set out to revisit what I long for and miss.
It's been a fury of dr. appointments, tests, taking lab reports, CT reports, etc. from one place to another, more paperwork for appointments with new doctors. It's a responsible thing, you know, to ask for copies of your lab work, any imaging done, etc., because it's on-hand should you ever need it. I've known this, so it's nothing new for me to pick up or request to mail such reports. Many times I'm surprised by what I see, and most of the time it doesn't really have any great effect on me.
I loved my anatomy and physiology classes in college---LOVED them. So my understanding of some physiological systems is pretty good, if I do say so myself. And, like most, I probably know enough to get me in trouble, but also enough to keep me from panicking. I often laugh at that fact but never take it for granted. That's a good thing I suppose. Maybe.
Reading a CT report is pretty straight-forward, and as long as you understand certain language, terms, and have a baseline of education, you can actually glean something from what you're reading. And hey, if there's a word or term you don't understand, the internet is a great place to find quick definitions. The danger of this whole internet thing, however, is looking up specific phrases, because while you can get an idea of what that phrase means, you don't know how to apply the information. This is where the doctor comes in. Most people either ask the doctor to clarify once they've put themselves in a state of panic, or they allow the panic to wash over them and focus on "what it all means." As for me, again...I know just enough to get me in trouble.
One thing I have that can also work for or against me is the amazing ability to read between the lines (accurately), and to put pieces of a very complex puzzle together. It's my spidey power, you could say, and one that has often helped me a great deal in quite a few situations. Do know I say 'spidey power' with amusement. ;)
What it all boils down to is this:
I pay attention.
So as I'm reading the last CT report (chest CT) I'm seeing things on the report itself AND recalling certain phrases the doctor used. My last appointment was a follow-up to my CT. The details that come to mind as I read the CT report are the doctor's demeanor, his mention of two specific things he wants to do next, and also....
what he didn't say. And it's not just the recalling of information but how the fit together that makes me raise an eyebrow.
-- Mild, scattered lung scarring.
-- A couple of other findings that the radiologist couldn't determine if they were more nodules or more scarring.
-- The main pulmonary nodule having something attached, "A tubule," that the radiologist could not determine if it is an impacted bronchus or a vein/blood source 'feeing' the nodule. Will need CT w/contrast to determine which it is.
The report is more detailed than that, but that's the gist of the main findings.
So there's the findings in a nutshell. And then the doctor says he doesn't know what to think about the tubule attached to the nodule. The nodule has only grown slightly so probably no real concern re it being cancer. I'm low-risk anyway since I've never smoked. I grew up in a house, however, with a HEAVILY chain-smoking mother, so not sure if that changed my risk or not.
Now, the impacted bronchus could be anything, so "Lighting it up" as my doctor calls CT with contrast may be the only way to determine exactly what's going on.
The lung scarring... he didn't mention, but he did say he wanted me to come back and get a Pulmonary Function Test (PFT). Been through these before, so I know what's involved. He was hoping my echo report contained my pulmonary pressure since, in the past, I've been shown to have mild pulmonary hypertension. The echo didn't evaluate that at all.
In many ways the lung scarring concerns me more than anything. A lot can cause lung scarring. Sometimes the scarring is 'idiopathic,' meaning of no known origin... and this is not what anyone wants to hear.
I'm not willing to say what I know about the results, because I will leave it up to the doctor to determine what it is and what's next.
So what do I do about what he didn't say? That's the question. I guess I will just try like hell not to focus on that. It's glaring, what he didn't say.... and I wasn't about to ask. Most would have, but I was just.... not wanting to go there.
Irritating not knowing what's what. No one likes the waiting game.
In the meantime I simply long for something I can't even put my finger on.... wanting to revisit WI, MN, CA...
