Oh but will you?

Undeniably, the mind, the spirit, and the body are ALL interconnected.  And if that sounds like a 'duh' statement, that's because it is.  Yet it still needs to be said for the sake of clarity, for me to point out the obvious that even I can see.  In such a chaotic and jumbled mess, being that of any relationship, the power this has over one's actual physical well-being is also undeniable, and yet sometimes I often look the other way and ignore the connections when I can't do anything about them at the time.  A little on the destructive side when you think about it, right?  Yet.. I'm human and prone to very human faults and so on.

Well okay, so do something about it, right?

Easier said than done.  Not impossible.  Just not easy.

My reaction to stress, anxiety, tension, etc. is just as human as it gets.  Some days are better than others, and most days I just go with it and trust that there's a reason I'm reacting to my circumstances in ways that aren't always best for me.  For the good of the better, the other person, the situation, and in complete line with seeking harmony I allow DISharmony to enter into my own personal space.  That's the cost, that's the price I pay, for wanting someone else to have the peace I rarely have myself.

And the echoes of impending broken promises do little to serve me.

Trust is a funny thing.  I trust the appearance of honesty and am often disappointed.  No wonder since I don't do much in the way of trying to understand if what I think I'm hearing or seeing is genuine.  I've done this in the past, extended trust where I shouldn't have.  But don't we all do this?  Either way, you'd think I'd learn, right?

I have learned in some ways but choose to allow that unrelenting romantic in me to believe that, like magic, all will be well and shining and happy and new.  Silly.  Absolutely silly.  Yet there it is in my current and past history.  Can one really polish a relationship like a silver spoon?  Maybe, but like that alluring and fickle metal... it will tarnish again if not tended to.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life polishing shit.  I mean, does that even make any sense?  No, it doesn't.  So why do I continue to do this?  Because I'm unhappy.  That's why.  Not that this is a permanent state, mind you, because all of us have the power to change our circumstances and reaction to them.  I keep telling myself that I can and will, and that little voice inside continues to ask... "Oh but will you?"

*shrugs*

As long as I don't give up, as long as I'm absolutely clear on what it is I need to be happy, healthy, and thrive... I'm not entirely lost to regaining the control I need in my life to make it different, better, mine.  I don't want to live someone else's life.  Do you?  Does anyone really?