The minutes are ticking away as I type this, meaning the minutes I have in the peaceful quiet. So why am I spending this time typing in my blogs and doing mindless things like surfing the internet? Because I CHOOSE to. It's really the point, isn't it, to make our free time what we want. Of course it's the point.
One more cup of coffee. A few more minutes of peaceful stillness and quiet knowing it will change in roughly 45 minutes to an hour. I'll take what I can get and use it for whatever I want.
My world is colored in shades of white, green, blue, and cheap, durable tile; something many hospitals and clinics have in common. So sitting in my own space where I'm surrounded entirely by NON-medical-related decor, sights, sounds, and smells, I can improvise throughout the day depending on what is often the unpredictability of living--at least in my life anyway. I can predict nothing, so I expect nothing, and I allow everything. On the surface this sounds risky, but I promise you it's not.
I long to have the strength and stamina, to be without pain long enough to continue to create my environment in such a way that it promotes healing. REAL healing. Not the medicated type of healing, but real healing. While I know and appreciate what the medications are doing to save my life, even to promote a better quality of life (leading to), I'm well aware of the things that have yet to be addressed. Back pain is now the front and center of my days and nights and all I can do is ride it out until someone discovers what's causing it. Exercising patience is difficult in the face of chronic illness and pain, but it's necessary.
While the overall chronic pain began to cease with the addition of prednisone, something else is revealing itself at the same time. This, like everything, happens for a reason, so I understand and accept that this is a message of some kind, the pain being a warning sign that something is still amiss. Healing will come when the answers come. I just need someone to ask the questions now.
What's left of my quiet morning will end soon. T will come home and things will change, though it doesn't really have to be for the worst. If he would just tune-in, plug-in, and open his eyes... I think things could go a bit smoother than they have. I can't open his eyes or make him listen or to be aware or anything at all. It's up to him, ultimately, to plug-in or not. I have to focus on wellness, healing, and regaining my strength, vitality, and even my passion for life, for being alive. Unless you've lived with chronic pain, with a chronic illness (even if you didn't know you had it for a long time), you probably wouldn't understand any of this.
But I understand all too well.
I'm glad my morning was quiet and still. I'm grateful to have had that today, even if for just a few hours. I'll relinquish that quiet to the busy life of living with another human being, because I have to, because it's necessary, and because I should. I won't say I 'want to' because what I really want is to not have to relinquish peace, happiness, tranquility. No one should have to relinquish the better part of being, should they? I don't believe so. But I will today, and I will tomorrow, and I will next week and so on until T takes the time and initiative to work through some things that are completely destroying having a peaceful life together.
Do I long for the days when I lived alone? Do I miss the imperfect peace I once had as a single person? Yes. I absolutely do. It's FAR easier to live alone than with someone. But easy isn't always best, now is it?
I want best, not easy, but at the same time I also believe BOTH can exist simultaneously.
Reaching the bottom of the coffee cup as the second half of the day looms ahead. So much to do, so very much to do. I'll miss the peace I've had the first half of my day. Tomorrow my exercise bike will be delivered, and the office/exercise room needs attending to make ready for that delivery.
I really will miss the peacefulness of this morning. I really, really will.
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