What part of "At the bottom" don't you get?

The diet, still postponed because there's no food in the house to accommodate a low-carb eating plan. Tonight was supposed to be the night to cook, prepare, etc. for what I will need during the day.  Not going to happen, as T has decided to do some errands after work.  Granted, I know what the errands are and agree they're important.  But damn.  Let's get this show on the road already.

Depression is at my heels constantly, and while it's not exactly like I'm moping around crying about everything, it's disruptive nature has a voracious appetite, is tenacious as hell, and very unlucky to give up easily.  What I'm left with is anxiety and a 'flatness' that is almost worse than any imagined 'sadness' I could be dealing with.

So tonight it's Chinese food.  Could be a lot worse I guess.  But I miss clean eating and would like to get this whole diet thing rolling.  The longer I put it off the more anxious I become.

I despise depression, especially when you know why it's happening and have no way to get a resolution... solution.  So frustrating.

Trying to make it through this evening is pretty much where I'm at right now.  I'm going to be watching a movie, and... hopefully I'll be sleepy by the time it's over.  Oddly, "Sleepy" these days don't guarantee sleep.  Funny how that works.  Oh well.

It is what it is.

Why?

Going off the diet over the holiday weekend gave me both severe pain---and insight.  I've decided to try low carbing again to see if maybe that would have an effect on my blood sugar, lowering it at least some.  As for the pain part, it's bad, real bad.  Indigestion that is absolutely horrible, and the right upper quadrant pain with referred pain through to my back is almost unbearable.  Nothing helps.  Nothing at all.  But tomorrow.... everything will change with my eating, and I will hopefully be back on the right track with my stomach and gut issues.

Ugh.  Yeah, holiday meals are great, but what the hell was I thinking?  I should've known better.

Life.

Better late than never. Right? Right.

So, this one should've been posted a few days back or so.  Chaos... what can I say?

Diet & Holidays.

Yeah, like this one really needs explaining.  It's been asked of me... "HOW can you diet during the holidays?"  I have no answer, to be honest.  When it's time, your mind and body knows, and for me.. it was time.  It IS time.  Though I've been less focused in these last few days before Christmas.  Some of it is the depression rearing its ugly head, but it's also just a choice.  It's okay.  I've not given up.

My struggle with "To diet or not to diet" in the middle of the holidays is based on a few things, including (but not limited to) the lack of a support network.  During the days when the "Why bother?" thing sets in I'm least likely to stand firm in my resolve where health etc is concerned.  For all practical purposes I fall straight into the emotional survival mode that prevents me from just walking into the bedroom, crawling into bed and staying there.  Hey, I'm not going to sugarcoat this, because it is a rather serious matter.

I'm allowing myself wiggle room, forgiveness, and loosening the too-tight grip I have on the desire to force myself to stay the course.  Without some slack during the holidays it feels a lot light tying my own hands.  T isn't helping in this respect, so I have to help myself.  And this seems the best way to do that---cut myself some slack and just try to enjoy whatever this is.  Look, honestly, the holidays haven't felt like holidays in years.  Just a fact.

So here's to just going easier on myself.

When the shift happens.

Your whole world opens up.

The American Dreamer by Jacob Seales of Right Side Broadcasting Network (RSBN)

Written specifically for Donald J. Trump, our now President Elect. :)

Sigmund C. Monster and Me.

As I wait for an audio entry to upload I sit here in mostly silence and wonder about today, tomorrow, and riddled with static from the past... I'm still struggling to make sense of it all.  In some ways, at least today, I'll give myself a pass on not being able to figure out the meaning of life and the universe and will, instead, have a hot cup of Jr. Mint cocoa.  Oh, but I highly recommend hot cocoa on a cold Winter's day in the midst of turmoil and chaos.  Okay, okay... so there's no real turmoil, but.. it sounded like a good excuse to have cocoa.  ;)

Where I am today is a place of waiting, and waiting on Sigmund C. Monster (2017 MINI Cooper S) to be built and transported to the USA.  I custom-ordered him, and the build/options/colors etc are like the image above, and I'm absolutely in love with this little guy.  He's my first convertible, but NOT my first MINI.  And... I'll just have to get used to wearing a hat or scarf or something to keep ME from looking like a sea monster after having hurricane force winds whipping my hair about. lol

Sigmund is in production and due to be completed early January, 2017.  Hey, perfection takes time!

Yeah, I can actually get happy and excited about the arrival of my little Monster.  And yes, what a weird time of year to think about owning a convertible.  Well, it DOES come with a top, and I'm a total wuss in the cold weather, so there's that.  But luckily I'm in the south where we have more warm/hot weather than cold.

The color is called "Caribbean Aqua," and yes.. I did order black bonnet stripes on mine.  I did NOT, however, add the chrome option, and... the side mirrors match the body color 2/3 of the way with black on the lower portion of those mirrors.  But other than that, this pic is what he will look like, right down to the rims.

"OMG!  WHITE INTERIOR!!  Are you NUTS?"  lol  Hey, you only live once, so why not go with what you really like if you can?  The best part about this is that I will be able to drive again, and that's a HUGE life-changer for me.  Having to sell my other MINI because it's a manual (which my left knee and shoulder can no longer handle) meant no driving SAFELY or without massive pain.  It's all good, though, because Sigmund C. Monster and I have plans.  And everybody needs plans.

I've done well today, and it took a mind-set refresh and a great deal of resolve to NOT allow any weirdness wreck me or my mood.  I have this to look forward to, and I am going to start planning my first road trip in my little Monster, because Sigmund and me... well, we have places to go and things to see and life to experience.

It's about time.

PS.... just a warning... the audio I'm posting shortly isn't going to be as optimistic-sounding as this entry. ;p 

A brief update....

Just because...

Part II; Generally speaking...

Or not so generally speaking, as the case may be...

Part I: Generally speaking...

NOTE:  So there were some issues with the audio quality, music in the background too loud... anyway, I will replace the original with one that is easier to hear.

Well... this...

Get the hell out of my way already!

Relationships.  Dieting.  Health.  Healing.  Life.  Living.  Hope.  Freedom.   Self.  Respect.  All the connections exist to either lift us or knock us down in our efforts to better ourselves.  With regards to dieting and weight loss there is nothing more damaging than being around, or living with, someone who doesn't have your best efforts in mind.  Most of you have experienced this, and those of you who have know just how much long-term damage comes into play when someone sets out to sabotage your efforts.  Despite all the asking, begging, pleading and demanding... that person, or persons... simply cannot see what they're doing, even when you point it out to them repeatedly.  So what the hell to do?

I've been here before but was able to rise above it all in the long run.  Thing is, when this happened I didn't LIVE with the person.  Now I do, and I'm here to say that it not just changes how you see a person who works to do harm to your health, it changes the way you react to them; I've also been there before too.

There are several ways people sabotage your weight loss efforts.  Here's just a few:

Repeatedly offering foods/desserts you can't have on your diet.
Telling you "One bite isn't going to hurt you."
Feigning hurt feelings when they bring food to you and you refuse to eat it.
Keeping foods that aren't on your diet in the fridge or cupboards.
Baking/cooking things you can't have.

The above list is merely a drop in the bucket, but it's the list most people who've experienced this kind of sabotage.. would recognize.  But there's also a list that people may not recognize right away, and that one is the most insidious, and the most damaging of all.  People who do these things REALLY do NOT have your best interest in mind and, in many cases, the efforts they make ARE malicious.  If you're with a malignant narcissist then you've experienced this for sure, even if you weren't on a weight loss program.  KNOW what you're dealing with, because bettering your health is IMPORTANT, and no one, NO ONE has a right to get in your way.

The most insidious and dangerous of actions:

1.  Insisting you eat unhealthy foods, or not saying anything when you make the choice to eat something not very healthy, but making fun of you or lecturing you for making that choice.
2.  Making fun of HOW you eat.
3.  Making fun of or criticizing your body WHILE you're eating.
4.  Lecturing about how you look in your clothes or out of them.
5.  Lecturing you at the store for what you buy.
6.  Bringing 'forbidden' foods to your house when they visit (if they don't live with you) and scolding/criticizing you when you eat what they brought.  Same goes for when you're at their house.
7.  Trying to control when, what, how, what time you eat.

The above list isn't all possibilities, but they are the most common according to professionals, authors, and those who've have these experiences.  And I'm not talking about one or two people, but upwards of hundreds of thousands of people who've had this happen.  And many experts say.. it's in the MILLIONS.  All I know is that MY experiences with this have been with just two people, and I'm here to tell you that if you don't put your foot down and demand respect... those people will walk all over you.  Not only will those people walk all over you but they won't stop and will get worse the more weight you lose.  Basically, they don't want you to succeed.

You're weight loss efforts are about YOU.  And yes, you can say you're doing it for the kids or your wife/husband or your job or whatever, but what it comes down to is YOUR HEALTH.  You and your health are the biggest and most powerful reasons for losing weight etc.  I'm no expert and only talk about MY opinion and experiences, what I've been told by a professional.  So I can't TELL anyone what to do or what your personal truth is.  Only you know what's best for you, so listen to your instincts, your gut.

As for me, I'm very protective about my health, and I'm not okay with people treating me like shit, with disrespect, without kindness or compassion.  If someone wants to treat me like that.. they can hit the dusty cow pie trail and get the hell out of my life.  My last experience with that type of person STILL has negative effects on me, and I have HAD IT.

Now, it's particularly difficult to diet during the holidays, which is why most people start their diet at the first of the year.  I'm no exception.  I've managed to slip through the holidays unscathed for the most part, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the harder this becomes.  For me, it's not just about the goodies and such, it's also the depression that comes with the holidays.  It is what it is.  So be it.

Bottom line is if you go on a weight loss plan---stand up for yourself if someone tries to sabotage your efforts.  If you choose to wait to go on a weight loss plan at a later date because of a holiday or other event---Don't allow anyone to BULLY you about it!  It is YOUR choice, NOT theirs.  Please don't ever forget that, because if you do choose to put your diet off for a later date and you allow yourself to be bullied about it.. you may not get back on that diet journey for quite some time.  I'm not kidding about this.

Yes, everyone is different, but I know for a fact a few of you (and you know who you are) have dealt with this or are dealing with it right now.  And... it's NOT okay.

Be strong, no matter what you choose, and watch for those signs of those who don't have your best interests at heart.

Till next time....

The Stress Diet.

While highly effective, I wouldn't recommend this diet to anyone.  However, this whole stress/anxiety thing just seems to be an integral part of my daily life now, thanks to T, and I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

Depression isn't a good place to be (duh), and while the lack of appetite side effect SEEMS like a great idea at first, the too-deep calorie deficit WILL catch up to you and wreck your metabolism, especially if you're exercising at all.  No matter that I know how unhealthy this is, I don't know what to do about it.

'Oh, just don't be stressed or anxious!'

Well, that sentiment is pretty sound, but it's certainly not realistic.  Believing you can just turn on/off stress or anxiety is like believing you can turn on/off bad eating habits simply by saying you're going to avoid bad food and overeating.  Damn, but that would be awesome, wouldn't it?  In real life, on planet earth, we don't always get to pick and choose exactly what emotions we can have or discard.  I'm certainly not able to do that, and... I know it's not a healthy choice to even think that you can.

Just my opinion, mind you.  But if you think you can do that then more power to you.  And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

During the past month I've not been able to eat my daily allotment of Points (I'm doing old school Weight Watchers).  Every day I set out to follow the plan to the letter, but the past month I've not been able to eat all the points that I'm supposed to have, even WITH the extra 35 weekly points.  Have I lost a little faster doing this?  Yes and no.  At first I wasn't losing at all, then all of a sudden I'm dropping weight.  On one hand "YAY" and on the other hand.. I'm tired/fatigued as hell.  And my appetite is now heading upwards, with the exception of today (must've been force-fed too much hateful BS from T to leave any room for a meal).

There's a part of me that knows all too well how this will backfire if I don't get a handle on it soon, and oddly enough... my damn morning/fasting blood sugar was 124 this morning.  If I were a full-blown diabetic I'd be rejoicing that number.  But, I'm not a diabetic.  In fact, I'm PRE-diabetic, and those numbers are not a good sign.  They've crept up, those numbers, over the past few weeks, which is hella fast for blood sugar changes.  And there's no rhyme or reason as the amount of carbs etc I eat from one day to the next don't correlate in any pattern that tells me it's what I'm eating.

Fasting blood sugar shows how well the liver is working to take care of things.  Taking blood sugar readings before and after meals show how your body handles food.  As a pre-diabetic the morning fasting levels are elevated, but 2 hour post-meal levels go back to normal when they should.  Again, there are two different mechanisms at work when looking at WHEN blood sugar levels are taken.

Well, anyway... life is in upheaval, and I'm being bashed about by the storm that rages.

But hey, I'm sticking to my diet, so there's that.

Damn I'm sick of things being like this.

So feel like dropping the F bomb a few hundred times today.

Today actually began as a good day, overall, all things considered.  But like far too many other times, the second T gets wind that I'm having a good day, am happy, am smiling, joking, hopeful... like lighting his ego strikes out and ends it all.  If he wasn't hovering about today like one of those cartoon storm clouds I'd be doing an audio, because.. DAMMIT my shoulder hurts.  So be it.  I don't mind 'that' kind of pain.

I needed a couple of warm shirts to wear over the Winter.  Most of my other clothes are still too uncomfortable to wear or just not warm.  Many are just worn out and in need of replacing.  Free shipping to store with 40% off and it's an easy fix.  Ha.  So I thought.  I'm beginning to believe T is hell-bent on not allowing anything at all to be "easy" in any way, shape or form.  With coats on, a few feet from the back door, and I look outside and remembered to remind him (he never remembers ANYTHING on his own) that the newly built deck is in need of sealing.  Deck guy said seal around the 30 day mark, which is now.  It was a reminder, something I thought about as I looked out the breakfast nook window on our way out.  And that is as far as we made it.

His replay was short and as snotty as a hormonal 13 year old girl.  He lashed out, was ugly as hell about it, and transformed into the proverbial nagging 'wife.'  His words stung, struck deep, and... brought tears to my eyes.  The latter is something that doesn't happen often anymore, not since my last relationship which all but buried the good parts of me and drove them crashing inward.  But the tears came silent, without words or any other sound.  Honestly, I just looked back out the window and wondered how such a simple, benign comment would turn him into a complete and utter asshole.

Such is the case with many guys of our generation.  Damn, I should've called this entry "The pussification of mankind," because this seems to happen far too much across the board.  But enough of this fucked up generation.

He immediately followed his hateful outburst to demanding we hurry up and go because he had stuff to do.  Um.  Okay.  The conversation that ensued after is likely just a plethora of minutia that probably won't serve this 'tale' well, so.. I'll leave those details for another, less-emotional entry.  Still,  T just threw himself into tantrum mode and went with it, un-checked.  He was so lost in his own bullshit he didn't even realized I'd pretty much emotionally checked-OUT myself.  The tears had stopped, and I was left absolutely numb on all accounts and sleepy as hell.  Yeah, I recognize the signs of depression well having been here before.

Once again he demanded we leave.  I told him, as I sat there in that lovely numbness, that I was trying to find the willpower to give a shit about going.  And I wasn't lying.  This has been my reaction to most of his crap lately---going numb and just ceasing to care about anything.  I recognize that as well.  So I stood, took off my coat and went to hang it back up in the entryway closet.. with him blabbering away about something I honestly couldn't 'hear' anymore.  'Damn,' I thought... "Did I just tune him out?"  I'm pretty sure I did and wasn't aware of it at first.

I went around the house turning a few lights on, turning the computer on, and raising the thermostat so the heat would also come on.  By that point I was so cold I was shaking, and it took everything I had not to walk into 'my room,' crawl in bed and go to sleep.  I fought it like crazy but ended up falling asleep at the computer trying to watch something on Netflix.  Basically, I shut down.

He's tooling about outside, burning leaves and limbs, etc., which is really what he wanted to do all along.  But instead of being a grownup, a MAN, he chose to be a spoiled child and threw a tantrum instead of saying.. "I have some stuff I need to do, so let's go afterwards or tomorrow."  Is that so fucking hard to say?

I'm numb still, depressed still, and homesick as hell.  This is pretty much how it happens whenever he gets pissy like he did.  I begin missing the only place that felt like 'home' since I was a kid living with my mom.  Not one single place in my life has felt like 'home' until I lived in the apartment in Mobile. God I miss that place so much, MY place.  It was my sanctuary.  It was my home... for almost 13 yrs.

I can't turn back the clock.  I can't get my apartment back.  And I know 100% that this damn house will never ever feel like 'home' to me.  This place has been poisoned by a person who has to control everything including the living, breathing things around him.  I thought my peace, my joy... would be set free if we moved here, away from the city, away from the noise, and into a neighborhood that would feel and sound like what I was used to.  Well, I should've known better.  I should've known that the only way I would ever be at peace is to be with a person who is peaceful.  And I also know how vastly different "INDIFFERENCE" and "PEACEFUL" are.

An indifferent person doesn't give a shit.  A peaceful person cares deeply and strives to maintain peace through doing what's right.  How is it that so many people don't get this?  On many levels I've understood this, though I didn't make the actual comparison until the last 5 years.

Demanding peace, rejecting change, forcing change, and ignoring responsibilities (all of them, including emotional and moral ones) does NOT bring peace but chaos.  Being a control freak not only hurts the person (whether they see it or not), but it also hurts the people closest to them.

The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and this is no exception.

I'm sick to death of fighting my way past T's crap, the debris of his indifference and intolerance.  I've been here before and it stinks to the high heavens like misery.  I reject completely the idea that I have to live in a joyless life, empty and void of all happiness and possibility.

Dammit, but NO ONE deserves to live this way.

I'm trying very hard to not hate men for the first time in my life, and the ONLY saving grace I have in that is I see how my sons turned out, all good, decent, selfless men.  At least their generation has some hope.  Not so much mine.

Part II: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

...as promised.

PART I: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

Self-explanatory, yes?

This song... by request....

Yes, my dear friend Julia... it's okay to take chances... even after the clouds clear.  You will love again.  I promise.

PART III: Malignant Narcissists, Revisited.

By request.... PART III.  And Julia, I will post the video to the song at the end of this...

PART II: Malignant Narcisists, Revisited.

By request.... PART II.  Part III is next.

PART I: Malignant Narcissists, revisited.

This is part one of two.  Part two will be done and uploaded tomorrow....

Thanksgiving Eve...

Well, anyway....

Too soon?

Naaaaaah.  Not for me.

Not feeling it....

I've always liked decorating early for Christmas.  Dragging everything out of storage, opening boxes and bags, and decorating... takes a minute, so the idea of putting everything up for a couple of weeks after all that works just doesn't make any sense to me.  Plus, my inner child is alive and well and always excited about Christmas, decorating, hot chocolate with marshmallows, Christmas cartoons and movies and every single bit of tradition out there.  I'm all in for Christmas...usually.

The last few years, however, the excitement has dimmed to a dull hue of red and green, to be honest.  I pretty much know the 'why' of this, but I've struggled over the past 6-7 years or so to repair whatever is sucking the joy out of the holidays and restore it to it's former, magical splendor.  If only....

It's not enough to know what's wrong.  Everything I long for when the nostalgia takes hold are those things that are just out of my reach. My attempts to re-create what's lost have failed, and I'm finding myself depressed more and more each year by the holidays.  While this depression doesn't completely isolate itself to Christmas only, that's the one that is the most difficult to navigate.

I really just hate this.

What 'haven't' I tried to breathe life back into the holidays?

This house is decked out big time, and... I'm just not feeling it.  I walk through the house, and I really love what I see.  But something vital is missing, and it's been fading away for years.  Yeah, yeah, I know this sounds like such a downer, but for me it really is in so many ways.

When all the reaching for better, happier, more joyful falls to the wayside.. so do I.  Just a fact.  There isn't any real way for me to work through this by myself, because the problem isn't an unknown.  As weird as that sounds, it's true.  When you don't know what's wrong, your focus shifts to one of discovery.  But when you know what's wrong one of the first things that comes to mind, for me anyway, is "Okay.  Now what?"  And, unfortunately, that's where I'm stuck.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm planning on digging into my web sites if I have enough energy to do so.  Maybe it will distract me, though I realize it won't solve anything.  I have to do something to fight my way out of this.

For the sake of this particular blog and it's 'intended' theme/focus, I will say that I'm doing well on my diet in the sense that I'm not having any urges to cheat etc., and in fact have been eating under my points (which can backfire on me later and likely will).

Okay, so.. no, I'm not making much sense at the moment.  I'm tired, so so tired.  I didn't sleep well last night which makes this all so much more intense, and in the wrong way.  At the urge of a couple of you, I'm trying, and that's about all I can promise I'll do right now.

Tomorrow is another day.  But today... I'm just not feeling it.

Life, dammit.

Still behind---hope to catch up this week...

Creative chaos.

I'm way behind getting these uploaded, so please bear with me....

Halloween passed, past... but not forgotten.

Well, yeah, it's been a rough couple of days in which I got way behind.  While this audio blog entry was supposed to go up BEFORE Halloween, obviously... it didn't make it.  Even so, loving this holiday as much as I do, I couldn't just let the effort go to waste.

Boo.

I feel like I'm on days delays...

Okay, so I'm really late in getting these uploaded.  What can I say, except that life has be freaking hell and I'm juggling a LOT at this time.  Anyway, you'll find THIS is, well, what it is, and the next one to follow will also be behind.... because it's about Halloween.  *sigh*  Yeah, things are THAT chaotic right now.  At any rate, late or not, I still feel compelled to talk about my favorite time of year, my favorite holiday of all.. Halloween.  But THAT will be the next audio blog.  As for this one, it's basically where I was about a week ago before I discovered that I DID have a way around the Weight Watchers conundrum... You'll see.  Just listen to this, if you're compelled to do so, then you'll see what I talk about tomorrow (Nov 2, 2016).  For tonight I'm playing catch up with TWO audio blogs.

Sorry about that.  Life.. what can I say?

A couple of days late, but better late than never, right?

For those of you who said you preferred the audio blog entries.  Was done a couple of days ago, so I will try to make another one sometime Thursday when I have free time. :)

Still staying tuned????

I'm going to attempt a written blog entry as I wait for an upload to youtube of an audio entry.  The entry itself is a couple of days old, so.. where I'm at right now isn't completely different, just more intense (if you will).  So much for changing the dialogue in my life.  The scenery is fine, so you know.

It wasn't a particularly bad day, and it wasn't the greatest day either.  My motivation continues to lag behind the wants of the will, spirit, and what I perceive in my mind's eye is nothing like the reality that surrounds me every waking minute.  Be that as it may, it doesn't mean I don't try and affect change, and even a little of that is welcome right now.  Still, I went from a relatively good place to being slapped back down the rabbit hole where all the dark things are.

Notice how much easier it is for me to talk about things when I'm not speaking?

It's still a trust issue, of that I'm aware.  And who knows just how long I will regain enough trust in the world and people to be able to just talk openly about anything and everything... with my own voice?  I guess my job right now is to just keep trying.

To those of you who wrote or called to beg me to keep doing audio entries, what I can say to that right now is.. I'll see.  All I can do is one step at a time, one day at a time, one life event at a time.  I understand to some degree (because you have pointed this out) that these entries are far more intimate and 'real' when you HEAR them.  Okay.  I can't promise audio entries 100% of the time, but I will promise to do what I can as time and energy allows.  Deal? ;)

Even so, tonight took an abrupt change when I had to remind T that I have to make a deposit in my account.  Long story short, I was met with a response filled with complaining, whining, insinuations, and more.  Well, good grief... sorry that I'm too sick to work right now, and sorry that the cards that have balances on them have those balances because of purchases made for THIS HOUSE.  Oh my God, but I'm really so tired of the dialogue.

I pray every night for healing, for energy, for an abundance of good health, and the ability to take my life into my own hands again, to remove the power he has over my life.  Oh, but how things will be different when I'm back on my feet again.  He's gotten far too comfortable with the control thing.

He does this nearly every night, making sure that I'm stressed, anxious, wide awake and unable to sleep.  And this is usually a given on the nights before we have to wake up at O'dark thirty the next morning.  I've a long ride tomorrow, 6 hours round trip and am loathing the idea, even knowing it's something I have to do.  I'll be in pain, and I'll be miserable.  My body isn't up to that trip but there isn't a thing I can do about it.  And now.... I get the added benefit of being ridiculously tired because T decided that unloading a plethora of negative statements and whining was a goal tonight.

As an aside, I got the new bed today.  I'm not sure it's going to be comfortable, though the manufacturer said it was the same firmness/softness as the bed that's already here in the master bedroom.  Chronic pain means even the most comfortable of beds feel like a torture device when it touches your muscles, joints, skin.  I may be a while on that recliner if this is the case, but I am incredibly grateful for that recliner, I admit.

Just checked the upload to youtube for that audio file and it's very, VERY slooooooooooow.  Just a shame it had to be tonight that I figured out an alternative way to getting those files uploaded, ad iMovie has decided to be a total butt and give errors uploading the usual way.

Well, I'm amazed at how much I can type now.  The shoulder still has crappy range of motion, but at least this part isn't as painful as it was.  And no worries, those of you who prefer the audio entries... I will still make those for the most part.

Now, while I'm able, I think I will attempt to do entries for my other blogs... specific to those blogs.  We will see, right?

Okay, so I'm outta here for the night.  Sleep tight... sweet dreams....

Stay Tuned....

I've gotten a few emails from some of you guys, but please don't worry.  I've had some issues with youtube glitches and have (I believe) I've solved the problem and am trying to upload an entry for all my blogs.

Do know... I've no idea how long the upload will take, but I will try to get it here soon as I can, perhaps tomorrow or maybe even tonight.

;)

THIS song, when I need to feel alive.....

About me. Sort of. Part II

Yeah, well.  Like, BOO.. an' junk.

Those Few Stolen Moments.

I will have more time soon.  So many appointments that it's been nearly impossible to find time to do anything.....

THE TRAIN - Coldwater Canyon (on CD Baby)

This is by special request. ;)  As for me, yes.. I'm Deplorable and only watch Trump events at RSBN's live stream on YouTube (Wayne Dupree as well).  What can I say... I've been waiting for Trump to run for President since the late 80's when he was asked repeatedly about it.  :D

Thoughts, Scattered.

....Like the wind at times.

Autumn Whispers to Me: An experience. A book-to-be.....

My favorite time of year is here, and I've taken the first steps to re-vamping my sites so I can have them live again.  A story, a memory, and a future-book, "Autumn Whispers to Me" will be live soon.  Until then, there are the audio blogs...

Text, FB, Email is NOT a respectful way to have important conversations.

NOTE: Audio for this entry isn't the clearest, but I'm working on resolving this today so future posts are much clearer.  Thanks for your patience.

Revelations, Post-Consumption.

NOTE:  I apologize if the audio isn't quite up to par, and I'm looking into a decent mic to cut down on the static heard.

"Post-Consumption" and what I mean by that.  AFTER a malignant narcissist chews you up and spits you out (narcissistic supply).  Plainly, put.

September 01, 2016: Life, rant, confusion... yeah, whatever.

Life.  Amiright?

Audio Blog Continues....

Healing being what it is, and a very long process at that, I'll be audio-blogging for a bit.  The last few days have been seriously confusing, chaotic, and stressful... so that's what I end up with when trying to talk about it.  Fun, eh?  :/

Pushing for healing.

Shoulder still isn't well enough recovered for me to type much, so I've done another video in the meantime.  Heads up: I'll be doing more on diet, nutrition, etc soon.

Thanks for listening. :)

Risk for Redemption.

I played a bit with the idea of composing an audio/vid for myself, just something to remind me that there was, in fact, a time when I felt like a normal human being, when pain was minimal and sometimes absent, when I could behave normally, when restrictions of body (and now spirit and emotion) hadn't taken hold.  I know I used to feel better and actually participate in L I F E.  But for the life of me, my mind edits at will and separates the now from the then, the me I became and the me I once was.  So to keep it all in perspective... I made an audio movie with pics ranging from 8 months ago to 4 years ago, before this big crash in everything that is 'my life' and 'me.'

I was hesitant to upload it here (still am), but a friend of mine said "Do it.  Put it ALL out there, and to hell with what anyone thinks!"  It feels odd to see my own face all over this video, but... it's mostly for me anyway, something I can look at and recall that L I F E was there in me, and maybe.. just maybe... I will start believing again.  enough of the typing... arm aches horribly.

The compilation set as a reminder of where I once was in my L I F E and H E A L T H, remembering a healthier, happier me... taking a risk for redemption of myself, an apology to tell the woman I've become.... 'I'm so sorry I let you down."

Experiment #1...

Until my shoulder heals and typing is no longer painful, I'll be making these audio entries.  This first one is only an experiment, but I'll be making more soon with an actual message. lol  ;p  Thanks for hanging in there with me.  xo

What if...

What if I said I wanted to pour my heart and soul out to you?  What if I could, even for a very short time, find such trust that nothing, absolutely nothing would be off limits in what I could share?  What if I didn't hold back, didn't keep my entire heart's secrets walled off from the rest of me, and expose every one in such detail that it took your breath away?  What if... I told you a secret you'd never forget, no matter how hard you tried?

What if you could be surprised at the stories I hold inside?

What if I told you that I've never trusted a soul 100% in my life but that I'm willing to now?

What would you ask me if you could ask me anything?

What if I told you that you'd be surprised at who I'm talking to, and would you want it to be you?

Post-Surgery Pain and the Damaging Effects of Indifference.

This is difficult.  Post-surgery for frozen shoulder and minor rotator cuff tear and I'm feeling like hell.    It will take a long time to recover and regain full use of my left arm, and dammit but it hurts to type.  I almost decided to do an audio blog but not enough privacy the last couple of days to do that.  So I'll make this just a quick check-in.

I'm not sleeping, mostly getting up several times a night to move my arm, elbow... to alleviate what pain I can.  This is often a tearful process.  I don't know when the big crash will come, but it will.  A human being simply can't withstand not sleeping like this.  On Wednesday, then on Saturday... things will change and hopefully for the better.

Sleeping on my side after this kind of surgery isn't the best idea, and it creates a world of pain, swelling to an unhealthy level in my arm.  This became the catalyst for ordering one of those Tempur Pedic beds.  NOT the cheapest thing in the world, but a very necessary one at this point as the healing process is going to take a long time.  So be it.  It's adjustable so I can support the back of my legs and have the back of the bed upright to manage sleeping without being on my side.  Saturday, a Laz-boy chair will arrive, and mostly for the same purpose.  As it stands now my options are to sit straight/upright or lay in a flat bed.  Both options mean pain and swelling.  But hey, those recliners are awesome and it's not like it won't be fully enjoyed way beyond the shoulder healing.

I suppose at this point I'm just rambling, but everything I am is consumed with the pain and trying to work past it without taking the powerful pain killers I was given.  The side effects sucks, and that means I'm making damn sure to take them sparingly.  But either way, my point is basically that I'll be dealing with this for a while and probably not making a lot of sense when I post.

There most likely won't be daily entries for a while, but I will try my best.

Post-surgery with all it's unbelievable pain has opened up a part of me that I really would rather leave closed, shut away, and ignored.  That echo chamber of the past and present merging in unsettling ways rumbles below the surface, always, making itself known at the darkest of hours and experiences.  I find myself unsettled---not just my circumstances or thoughts.  In the wee hours, especially when awakened by the almost ceaseless pain, true anxiety sets in and grips me.  Most of the time I can overcome it and get past it's frightening messages.  But then there are times when it takes hold and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and needing a strong, positive presence to jerk me back into a brighter reality.  Things is... I have no such strong, positive presence.  Yeah.
What to do with that.

As you guys know, indifference has been my companion.  T's indifference rears it's true self amidst the pain that really feels as if it's going to rip me apart.  You see, the first part of knowing how to squash pain naturally is to avoid stress at all costs, because stress destroy's the body's own ability to send much-needed pain killers to it's needed location.  Over time, especially in the presence of AI disease and fibromyalgia.... the breakdown of this mechanism is swift and brutal, leaving me without any natural defenses.  This sucks.

I've been brought to tears by the sheer intensity and duration of this pain, and the fibro is in a massive flare-up now, adding wide-spread, diffuse pain to that of the post-surgical.  While it's nothing to brag about, I will admit that I've been brought to my knees by the force of it all, crying so hard I felt as if my head would explode.  Late at night, when it's at its worst T will simply get up, stand there... and say nothing, do nothing, offer nothing.  I've had to tell him it's best he stay away rather than bring that indifference to the already miserable situation.

It is times like this that I long for "home," whatever and wherever that is.  No one to reach out to, to plead to, or talk to.  Not a parent, sibling, or best friend.  No one.  It's only when either by exhaustion or prescription intervention does the pain lessen a little, just enough for my mind to bring forth an image of a healthy, happy, joyful, fulfilled and pain-free me.  When I fall asleep... it sometimes carries me into dreaming, those thoughts.

My arm is in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm going to sign off.  I hope that each day with willpower and physical therapy.. and even the weaker moments when I allow myself the prescription help to relieve the pain... maybe I'll get stronger, better.  I have 3 days of PT this coming week... and I pray it's the start to real recovery.

I need this pain to stop.  I really do.

Hopefully I can post tomorrow.

PS... I was amazed at how many page views Where Fireflies Dream received.... gave me a smile.

It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

Stop it!

I'll make this short as I've posted in my other blogs about everything that went on this morning.  Over all, I want to keep the blog contents on all my blogs to the subject matter for which they created.  Given that, the theme of the day is basically... the danger of indifference.

Short and sweet (no pun intended)... T knows I'm pre-diabetic, he's indifferent about my testing my blood sugar in the mornings as directed by my doctor, and he's gone as far today as to tell me just to skip today.... which he's done before.  But aside from testing my glucose each morning, he's often indifferent to the things I have to do to get my health back and to avoid pre-diabetes from progressing to full blown Type II diabetes.  W.  T.  F. ????

Due to some physical limitations of which the doctors are still looking to nail down a cause, cooking is pretty much impossible now.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE cooking, so this is not something I'm at all happy about.  But T says he likes to cook but is also honest about the fact that he would be more than okay (his words) to eat a can of raviolis for dinner.  *sigh*  I can't do that.  I didn't like or want to eat that way throughout my life, but I also can't afford to eat that way right now due to my health.

We've had the 'salad discussion.'  I LOVE salads and strive to have a salad every night before dinner.  T, knowing I have to make drastic changes in my eating, etc., due to being diagnosed with pre-diabetes, says having a salad every night would be 'okay.'  However, he buys salad vegetables, puts them in the fridge, "forgets" to make the salads, then gets testy when I tell him we need more salad stuff because the other has gone bad.  Following THAT exchange comes the blame, the passive aggressive type where he gets testy and oppositional about buying salad veggies stating... "I don't want to buy salad stuff because it doesn't get eaten and goes bad," he says with a scowl.

O. M. G.

So I explain to him WHY the veggies went bad and REMINDED him that I said we need to have one every night, or at least I do.  He says okay, buys more salad stuff, then... "forgets" to make salads.  It's been 3 days since he made salads for us.  I remind him and he sometimes forgets.  So I told him.. "Don't ASK me if I want one--just make it!"  It's been 3 days since he's made a salad.

This man, before I met him, didn't eat salads unless it came with a meal at a restaurant.  He didn't make himself vegetables and had canned soup every night and said he likes it.  Well, okay... if he wants to destroy his life, fine.  But don't play with my life too.

I don't want to be so sick I can't cook.  I love cooking, baking, you name it.  LOVE IT.  But I'm too sick to cook right now.  Just a fact.  And I'm supposed to be eating veggies every day.  So much for that.

But aside from the veggies/salad thing, there's the bringing home crap thing.  There's just a weird disconnection here with his insisting on cooking crap he knows I can't have or is exceptionally bad for me.

W. T. F. ???

I really really wish he would just freaking STOP IT.

Ugh.

I Shouldn't Have To...

Fight for my health.
Beg for understanding when I'm too sick.
Point out that someone isn't really listening.
Explain myself.
Be the one to show someone they're behavior isn't kind or compassionate.
Listen to silence after asking a question.
Be disrespected on a daily basis.
Allow myself to be demoralized by another's actions or inactions.
DREAM of living my life like it's MY life--I should be living it that way.

But honestly, one of the top things I shouldn't have to fight for being able to change my diet as my doctors urge.  When I'm told by my doctors there are certain things I have to avoid and things I need to focus on when it comes to my diet.  It's critical, because with the pre-diabetes issue, which is no laughing matter, I have to be diligent.  Where the diligence falls to the wayside are things that are out of my control, be it grocery shopping, choosing the food, and cooking.  I've said I'm sick, but I don't think people realize how sick.

I can't shop for groceries or cook right now.  I simply can't, even if I try very hard.  Without the gory details I can say that things are very bad for me right now, health wise, and I have to fight like hell to fix what's going wrong with my blood sugar.  My family history I can't afford to be lax.  My mom and oldest sister passed away due to diabetic complications.

I can't wish away pre-diabetes.  I can't sit here and hope that, out of the blue, things will right themselves.  It takes purposeful action.  I have to eat the right foods, cooked the right way, and scale back the stress and anxiety to a minimum.  Right now I'm with someone who isn't on board with this and who is just as happy to eat pizza and cookies as salmon and salad (my faves).

Well.  I have to stop here because I'm not feeling well.  But I will be revisiting this topic soon, most likely tomorrow.

And.. life goes on.....

One Hundred and Twenty One.

So far the numbers, the diagnosis... just fails to sink in.  But as I read articles and forums of people with pre-diabetes talking and sharing information I've come to realize one thing that is more than just a little common: Most with "Prediabetes" tend NOT to take it seriously.  I'm one of them.  Even as my family history shows the incredibly high risk of type II diabetes it still just doesn't mean anything to me right now.

My mom and oldest sister both died of complications that began with diabetes.  That puts me at risk, a much higher risk of developing type II diabetes than the average person who doesn't have a family history.  And yet---I somehow just... don't... care.

9 days ago my Endocrinologist, who diagnosed me, gave me a sample of medication I'm supposed to inject once a week.  A 'sample' because some don't tolerate the medicine well AT ALL.  On one hand that's a reason I've not started it yet, but on the other hand I don't want or need the horrific possible side effects and wonder if it's worth the risk.  It's the only thing I can take at the time because of other health issues.  But still...

I take my fasting blood sugar each morning and it's been fairly consistent, with this morning being 121 (elevated by about 10 points from a few days ago).  Fluctuation is all.  But it still doesn't register. I'm aware and I don't care.

At the moment, and probably not due to any blood sugar issue... I'm hurting all over.  Time to lay down.  Pain, pain, and more pain.  Honestly, my intentions were to talk nutrition and plant-based diets vs other diets.  I'm just too weak and uncomfortable.  Maybe tomorrow....

Till later.....

July 4th weekend & the most beautiful voice carrying our national anthem at the Lincoln Memoriali...

This brought tears to my eyes--and gave me goosebumps.  The most beautiful version of this I have ever heard, and it was spontaneous.  God bless this beautiful country---God bless the USA. <3

Well. Damn.

If there's anything that I'm NOT afraid of it's doctors and needles.  I don't mind a shot when necessary, and I don't mind blood work or IVs when needed.  However, one thing I discovered today is: I rather NOT okay with giving injections to myself.  And that, unfortunately, is what it's come to... at least right now.

So I saw my Endocrinologist today regarding my lab results for Cushings, Adrenal Fatigue, and... blood sugar issues.  The latter was a big concern because I ended up with Cushing's Syndrome while taking Prednisone, long-term (approximately 3 months).  My allergist stated flat-out that I would be lucky NOT to end up with Type II Diabetes due to my reaction to the Prednisone.  Lovely.  Especially given that my mom and oldest sister both had it (both deceased).

I have other health issues so the drug my doctor wanted me on can't be an option right now.  Lucky me, instead I get an injection... a treatment for Diabetes that's used for PRE-Diabetes/Insulin Resistance--which is where I'm at right now.  Damn.

Serum fasting glucose, Glucose Tolerance Test, AND serum Insulin were taken to assess IF I were in trouble and how badly.  My fasting INSULIN was double what it should have been, my fasting glucose was 111, and at one point... my fasting glucose (in the past few months) was 123.  I had NO idea about that 123 FG.  So here I am having to give myself a lovely injection in my abdomen (skin) once a week for 2 weeks to see if I need to continue that or not, long term, OR... if she's going to put me on another protocol.

The GOOD news is, at least on this one test, my adrenals are perfectly fine and right in the middle of the normal range.  She doesn't completely trust it so wants to test them again in 2 weeks to see where it is.  I also have to have my A1C tested again in a couple of weeks.

It's begun.

I'm NOT looking forward to giving myself an injection, even IF it's an automatic device and pre-loaded.  Just YUCK!!

I have hypOglycemia symptoms and have had those in the past.  I won't explain the process here of what happens BEFORE a person ends up diabetic, etc., because it's more time and energy than I have right now.  But hypOglycemia symptoms suck pretty bad.  Weakness, shaking, fatigue, cold sweats, headaches, etc.  What fun.  However, we're not exactly sure what's causing the chronic pain.  Endo says she also wonders about a myositis situation given the elevated Aldolase on a couple of occasions.  It's not elevated NOW, but I also was on prednisone and Imuran for 3 months, so that took care of any inflammation there might have been in my muscles.. causing muscle breakdown.

I don't know how anyone will ever be able to nail down the cause of the muscle pain after my having been on corticosteroids.  I just don't know.

Well, the pain is pretty severe so am going to sign off for now.  Wish me luck in the morning when I have to give myself my first injection.

Nothing Tastes Good.

It's been a long road, this whole health thing.  I've yet to commit to a 'diet' to lose the prednisone weight, because choosing the right way is critical due to liver issues and other issues.  One diet may help one thing, while yet another may hurt something else.  It's a struggle, and one that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Shakeology is still my goal once I get a few GI issues under control, and sadly... I'm now lactose intolerant so have that to contend with.  Overall I understand where I am, where I'm heading, and where I need to be if I want to be healthy again.  Now, the cooperation I'm getting from T... or actually the lack thereof is yet another battle on top of the others.  What a freaking mess.

But nothing tastes good.  I've yet to find out what's up with that, but truly... nothing tastes good.  My appetite isn't in my 'stomach' anymore but in my whole body.  The only way I know I'm 'hungry' is when my body hurts and I'm dizzy, etc.  I really need answers to all of this to know where to begin.  If I were to just dive into 'dieting' I could do more harm than good.

On a higher note---I, for some reason, lost 19 pounds without trying.  Well.  I'll take it!  Still, getting to the bottom of things is key for me to make the commitment to eating a particular way in order to lose weight.  That's very important when it comes to the autoimmune hepatitis I deal with (in remission at this time, so that's good).  Losing weight too quickly also is very hard on the liver, so there's that.

My goal is to see my endocrinologist next Thursday for a follow-up after labs and see where I stand and what I do next.  Once I get the green flag I'll commit and hit the ground running---metaphorically speaking, of course.  I also need shoulder surgery for the torn rotator cuff that's making my life a living hell at the moment.  My Endo will also advise me on that based on labs so that I can have the surgery without a dangerous adrenal crash during surgery.  Once the shoulder is healed post-op then I can focus on exercise.  And trust me, most movement causes horrific pain, so I can't do much of anything at all at the moment.

Last but not least.... T needs to get out of my way and allow me to HEAL.  I've addressed this in my other blogs, but suffice it to say... he's not an ally in this journey.

Till next time....

It's My Blogger, I Can Whine If I Want To, Whine If I Want To...

You would whine too if it happened to youuuuuu! No, not really.  But it made for an intro that invoked a smile, even if a small one, right?  My busy week has left me wondering, unsure, and stuck in a health loop that I'm not sure will end easily.  Wow.  Like THAT doesn't sound familiar.

Life being what it is we just need to get things off our chest or deal with the consequences of, well, holding it all in until we lose it.  Right?  Right.  I suppose many people have their own way of dealing with or working through things life tosses their way, but for me.. I have many outlets.  Blogging, however is the one remaining on my list that I can actually use at the moment.  So be it.

I already talked about the elevated ferritin, so I'll leave that one be for the moment.  I saw an Endocrinologist yesterday who believes I have (((( wait for it  )))) Adrenal Fatigue caused by (((wait for it again! )))... long-term use of Prednisone.  I knoooooooooow!  *Putting on my best shocked face*  Basically what this means is that the prednisone put my adrenals to sleep and I have absolutely nothing to help me with ANY kind of stress.  I've been stressed for YEARS; Chronic, nearly 24/7 unbelievable stress, both emotional AND physical.  Then, I have to do a 12 day Pred Pac last year, then 3 months THIS year.  The thinking is that, because I went into Cushings Syndrome, my adrenals shut down.  And this is what happens when you develop Cushings.

I have almost every single symptom, and my Endo doc recognized what it is.  It can't be confirmed without blood work, and I got that today.  And tomorrow, because of the Pred, because of the Cushings, because of the possible adrenal fatigue.. I have to have glucose testing to see if my pancreas is damaged and I'm edging, or IN, the throes of diabetes.  My serum glucose is not showing overt diabetes, but that doesn't tell the entire story.  Type II diabetes is one of the more common side effects.  Nifty, huh?  *sigh*

The other appointment I had today was with my bone doc.  Got the MRI results back, and as suspected, I have a torn rotator cuff.  Surgery, because my arm is UNBELIEVABLY painful when I move, is the only option for me.  Day surgery, they'll repair the tear, file bone spurs, and send me home with pain meds and a few restrictions for a while.  There are two problems with proceeding right away with surgery is the fact that I have been on Prednisone and it was 'long-term.'  The other problem is the possible adrenal fatigue.  You can't add additional stress to the body when it basically lacks any defense.  Suppressed adrenals are VERY bad news, and in this case it would mean my body couldn't handle the physical stress of surgery, even minor surgery.  Getting upset at someone will shut you down completely when your adrenals are "asleep."

I can't go into all the details about adrenal fatigue because, literally, it would take a research paper to explain what it is in detail as well as the processes involved.  It's progressive if it isn't addressed and quickly.  People can be heading down that road for years and not even know it, and if you're on that road already... prednisone will push you right over the edge.  And it will.. WRECK. YOUR. LIFE.

So where I am right now in this is simple: Wait for blood test results to see IF what I'm dealing with actually IS adrenal fatigue, and go from there.

Not much else I can do.

Guess I'm done for now... arms too tired to type much longer.

Oh... hope you like the song I left for you guys....

Chronic Epic Failures.

As I reach for health and healing, returning to MY life, it's not without obstacles.  If you've been reading here for a while, and reading my other blogs, this has become glaringly apparent.  So why am I STILL struggling with this?  Why is it I'm still stuck in limbo and unable to help myself?  And WHY are the obstacles STILL here?  I have to say... there's no easy way to answer those questions.

Ever hear of situations where someone is trying to lose weight, or start an exercise program (or both) and they're met with resistance from someone very close to them or.. someone living with them?  Yeah.  Well.  That's where I am and where I've been.  And now that prednisone has put weight on me I have to struggle to take care of that, because dieting doesn't quite cut it.  There's a lot of different physical mechanisms in place that thwart that.  Not that you can't lose, but it takes a lot more diligence.

I've spoken to T so many times now about not bringing home junk food and garbage food.  The junk is easy to avoid, but T's favorite thing in the world is frozen food.  Ugh.  Nasty stuff.  Okay on occasion, but for me.. it's wrecking my health beyond reason.  Too much sodium and sugar, too many processed carbs, not nearly enough veggies.  Why even bother buying that crap?

Each weekend T insists on buying the groceries.  In my current state I can't really go anywhere anyway, so I'm at his mercy.  How is it he can easily forget the stern warnings from my doctors about eating as clean as possible... is beyond me.  And not a single discussion, and there've been MANY, seems to get it through his thick skull.  smh.

So he chooses 'easy and cheap' despite the warnings, the risks, and the damage to my already compromised health.

I was told yesterday that my triglycerides are up AGAIN, and now my ferritin is elevated above normal.  NEITHER of those things are good!  *sigh*  WTH am I supposed to do?

I'm still searching for answers to this because, honestly, this is a very dangerous road to be on for me.

Dammit.

Been a very long time since I've heard this....

Lucid Dream..

I had my first lucid dream.  At least I think it was my first.  You know how dreams are... some of them you just can't remember.  But this one was pretty clear, and it had the usual recurring theme as my dreams tend to have, which has been the way of my dreams nearly my entire life.  There are basically 3 recurring themes, but I won't get into those now.  But as dreams go, this one was quite different then all the others.

The dream:

I was home, in 'my' room doing nothing but sitting quietly on the bed and looking out the window.  Clouds outside were very low, dark, broiling... and they shifted into what I recognized as a tornado (common theme in my dreams and not in the least scary, btw).  I jumped up and ran into the living room looking to see what damage there might be, can I yelled out to T that there was a tornado.

I could see the deck out back was damaged, the railing torn, and some trees, etc. were damaged.  I then walked into the breakfast nook area, and this is when I noticed the furniture was different, the room was different, and outside the breakfast nook window was another room.. instead of the deck and gorgeous view.

Once I realized everything was different I stopped, turned a little bit and told T... "Oh.  Never mind.  It's is just a dream." I then just looked around quickly, amused that I was dreaming.. then woke.

Weird.

And I don't mind weird at all, but... I felt in my dream, as I do after waking from an interesting or otherwise really good dream, rather.. disappointed.  Perhaps it was because I felt as if I had control of things in the dream, and much less so than in real life.

Whatever caused this lucid dream--I hope it happens again, because... I rather liked it.  Honestly, I wish I felt in real life the way I do in my dreams.  Why?  Because it's more like 'living.'

"You've chosen lessons of pain"

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

**prayers**

I'm not going to talk about the Florida tragedy today.  The entire morning was consumed with conversation about it, here at home and online.  What else is there to really say about the situation that hasn't already been said?  I'm simply not going to go there... here.  Prayers for the victims and family....

Getting it all off my chest.

Well, it's a little cathartic to be able to vent, to scrutinize, to assess, to get it all out when something's bothering me.  If you want to know exactly what I'm talking about... it's HERE.  PART I and PART II were needed as this was, well, you'll see if you're curious enough to go there and read.  The discussion was about Beta men vs Alpha men and the necessary balance of power in a relationship.  I'm past that now, moving on, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do about my life as it is at the moment... not much of a life at all.  Aren't I always struggling with this?  Don't answer.

Exhaustion overcomes on the other side of stress.  I'm pretty much there at the moment and fighting like hell to defeat its encroachment.  What I'm left with is a familiar struggle to find my strength and focus again.  It's okay.  It is what it is.

I have to face each day like I don't remember the one before.  I can't allow myself to have any regrets, or allow the sense that I lost yet another 24 hours of my life.  There aren't any do-overs.  What I do is wake and think to myself.. "Today is the day."  It's a mantra of sorts, and one that has yet to actually work.

I'm spent.  Working on those two hefty entries has left me with virtually nothing.  So, if you're curious... click on the link above to read the most of today's crapola.

"G" gave me an ORDER! OH NO SHE DI'NT!

OH yes she did! ;p  And then we cracked up, drank coffee, and drained our cell phone batteries talking.

Basically, we have this same conversation about twice a month, sometimes more often depending on how much I put into my blogs.  You see, she has ONE blog that she pours absolutely everything into.  And that works for her.  Not so much for me.  So, on occasion, like yesterday, she told me I "Absolutely must" put re-share the links across my blogs so people realize I'm not always saying the same thing in all the same places.  Okay.  If I must. ;p  She's a good egg, so I'll indulge her every so often.

The one thing I'm not on board with is her insistence that I talk here about the same things I talk to HER about.  Yeah, no.... I don't think ANYONE is ready for THAT! lol


NOTE: The links below can also be found on the menu section in each of my blogs.  Easy peasy. ;)

My other blogs:

Boo's Juicy Bits

This Free Spirit

Where Fireflies Dream

The Crap I Spew

All Things Ephemeral


Happy now, G?  Now let's see you bring some order to that mincemeat you call a blog. (*snort*).

Yeah, we've been friends for several years so can jab at each other.  All in good fun.. :)