A brief update....

Just because...

Part II; Generally speaking...

Or not so generally speaking, as the case may be...

Part I: Generally speaking...

NOTE:  So there were some issues with the audio quality, music in the background too loud... anyway, I will replace the original with one that is easier to hear.

Well... this...

Get the hell out of my way already!

Relationships.  Dieting.  Health.  Healing.  Life.  Living.  Hope.  Freedom.   Self.  Respect.  All the connections exist to either lift us or knock us down in our efforts to better ourselves.  With regards to dieting and weight loss there is nothing more damaging than being around, or living with, someone who doesn't have your best efforts in mind.  Most of you have experienced this, and those of you who have know just how much long-term damage comes into play when someone sets out to sabotage your efforts.  Despite all the asking, begging, pleading and demanding... that person, or persons... simply cannot see what they're doing, even when you point it out to them repeatedly.  So what the hell to do?

I've been here before but was able to rise above it all in the long run.  Thing is, when this happened I didn't LIVE with the person.  Now I do, and I'm here to say that it not just changes how you see a person who works to do harm to your health, it changes the way you react to them; I've also been there before too.

There are several ways people sabotage your weight loss efforts.  Here's just a few:

Repeatedly offering foods/desserts you can't have on your diet.
Telling you "One bite isn't going to hurt you."
Feigning hurt feelings when they bring food to you and you refuse to eat it.
Keeping foods that aren't on your diet in the fridge or cupboards.
Baking/cooking things you can't have.

The above list is merely a drop in the bucket, but it's the list most people who've experienced this kind of sabotage.. would recognize.  But there's also a list that people may not recognize right away, and that one is the most insidious, and the most damaging of all.  People who do these things REALLY do NOT have your best interest in mind and, in many cases, the efforts they make ARE malicious.  If you're with a malignant narcissist then you've experienced this for sure, even if you weren't on a weight loss program.  KNOW what you're dealing with, because bettering your health is IMPORTANT, and no one, NO ONE has a right to get in your way.

The most insidious and dangerous of actions:

1.  Insisting you eat unhealthy foods, or not saying anything when you make the choice to eat something not very healthy, but making fun of you or lecturing you for making that choice.
2.  Making fun of HOW you eat.
3.  Making fun of or criticizing your body WHILE you're eating.
4.  Lecturing about how you look in your clothes or out of them.
5.  Lecturing you at the store for what you buy.
6.  Bringing 'forbidden' foods to your house when they visit (if they don't live with you) and scolding/criticizing you when you eat what they brought.  Same goes for when you're at their house.
7.  Trying to control when, what, how, what time you eat.

The above list isn't all possibilities, but they are the most common according to professionals, authors, and those who've have these experiences.  And I'm not talking about one or two people, but upwards of hundreds of thousands of people who've had this happen.  And many experts say.. it's in the MILLIONS.  All I know is that MY experiences with this have been with just two people, and I'm here to tell you that if you don't put your foot down and demand respect... those people will walk all over you.  Not only will those people walk all over you but they won't stop and will get worse the more weight you lose.  Basically, they don't want you to succeed.

You're weight loss efforts are about YOU.  And yes, you can say you're doing it for the kids or your wife/husband or your job or whatever, but what it comes down to is YOUR HEALTH.  You and your health are the biggest and most powerful reasons for losing weight etc.  I'm no expert and only talk about MY opinion and experiences, what I've been told by a professional.  So I can't TELL anyone what to do or what your personal truth is.  Only you know what's best for you, so listen to your instincts, your gut.

As for me, I'm very protective about my health, and I'm not okay with people treating me like shit, with disrespect, without kindness or compassion.  If someone wants to treat me like that.. they can hit the dusty cow pie trail and get the hell out of my life.  My last experience with that type of person STILL has negative effects on me, and I have HAD IT.

Now, it's particularly difficult to diet during the holidays, which is why most people start their diet at the first of the year.  I'm no exception.  I've managed to slip through the holidays unscathed for the most part, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the harder this becomes.  For me, it's not just about the goodies and such, it's also the depression that comes with the holidays.  It is what it is.  So be it.

Bottom line is if you go on a weight loss plan---stand up for yourself if someone tries to sabotage your efforts.  If you choose to wait to go on a weight loss plan at a later date because of a holiday or other event---Don't allow anyone to BULLY you about it!  It is YOUR choice, NOT theirs.  Please don't ever forget that, because if you do choose to put your diet off for a later date and you allow yourself to be bullied about it.. you may not get back on that diet journey for quite some time.  I'm not kidding about this.

Yes, everyone is different, but I know for a fact a few of you (and you know who you are) have dealt with this or are dealing with it right now.  And... it's NOT okay.

Be strong, no matter what you choose, and watch for those signs of those who don't have your best interests at heart.

Till next time....

So feel like dropping the F bomb a few hundred times today.

Today actually began as a good day, overall, all things considered.  But like far too many other times, the second T gets wind that I'm having a good day, am happy, am smiling, joking, hopeful... like lighting his ego strikes out and ends it all.  If he wasn't hovering about today like one of those cartoon storm clouds I'd be doing an audio, because.. DAMMIT my shoulder hurts.  So be it.  I don't mind 'that' kind of pain.

I needed a couple of warm shirts to wear over the Winter.  Most of my other clothes are still too uncomfortable to wear or just not warm.  Many are just worn out and in need of replacing.  Free shipping to store with 40% off and it's an easy fix.  Ha.  So I thought.  I'm beginning to believe T is hell-bent on not allowing anything at all to be "easy" in any way, shape or form.  With coats on, a few feet from the back door, and I look outside and remembered to remind him (he never remembers ANYTHING on his own) that the newly built deck is in need of sealing.  Deck guy said seal around the 30 day mark, which is now.  It was a reminder, something I thought about as I looked out the breakfast nook window on our way out.  And that is as far as we made it.

His replay was short and as snotty as a hormonal 13 year old girl.  He lashed out, was ugly as hell about it, and transformed into the proverbial nagging 'wife.'  His words stung, struck deep, and... brought tears to my eyes.  The latter is something that doesn't happen often anymore, not since my last relationship which all but buried the good parts of me and drove them crashing inward.  But the tears came silent, without words or any other sound.  Honestly, I just looked back out the window and wondered how such a simple, benign comment would turn him into a complete and utter asshole.

Such is the case with many guys of our generation.  Damn, I should've called this entry "The pussification of mankind," because this seems to happen far too much across the board.  But enough of this fucked up generation.

He immediately followed his hateful outburst to demanding we hurry up and go because he had stuff to do.  Um.  Okay.  The conversation that ensued after is likely just a plethora of minutia that probably won't serve this 'tale' well, so.. I'll leave those details for another, less-emotional entry.  Still,  T just threw himself into tantrum mode and went with it, un-checked.  He was so lost in his own bullshit he didn't even realized I'd pretty much emotionally checked-OUT myself.  The tears had stopped, and I was left absolutely numb on all accounts and sleepy as hell.  Yeah, I recognize the signs of depression well having been here before.

Once again he demanded we leave.  I told him, as I sat there in that lovely numbness, that I was trying to find the willpower to give a shit about going.  And I wasn't lying.  This has been my reaction to most of his crap lately---going numb and just ceasing to care about anything.  I recognize that as well.  So I stood, took off my coat and went to hang it back up in the entryway closet.. with him blabbering away about something I honestly couldn't 'hear' anymore.  'Damn,' I thought... "Did I just tune him out?"  I'm pretty sure I did and wasn't aware of it at first.

I went around the house turning a few lights on, turning the computer on, and raising the thermostat so the heat would also come on.  By that point I was so cold I was shaking, and it took everything I had not to walk into 'my room,' crawl in bed and go to sleep.  I fought it like crazy but ended up falling asleep at the computer trying to watch something on Netflix.  Basically, I shut down.

He's tooling about outside, burning leaves and limbs, etc., which is really what he wanted to do all along.  But instead of being a grownup, a MAN, he chose to be a spoiled child and threw a tantrum instead of saying.. "I have some stuff I need to do, so let's go afterwards or tomorrow."  Is that so fucking hard to say?

I'm numb still, depressed still, and homesick as hell.  This is pretty much how it happens whenever he gets pissy like he did.  I begin missing the only place that felt like 'home' since I was a kid living with my mom.  Not one single place in my life has felt like 'home' until I lived in the apartment in Mobile. God I miss that place so much, MY place.  It was my sanctuary.  It was my home... for almost 13 yrs.

I can't turn back the clock.  I can't get my apartment back.  And I know 100% that this damn house will never ever feel like 'home' to me.  This place has been poisoned by a person who has to control everything including the living, breathing things around him.  I thought my peace, my joy... would be set free if we moved here, away from the city, away from the noise, and into a neighborhood that would feel and sound like what I was used to.  Well, I should've known better.  I should've known that the only way I would ever be at peace is to be with a person who is peaceful.  And I also know how vastly different "INDIFFERENCE" and "PEACEFUL" are.

An indifferent person doesn't give a shit.  A peaceful person cares deeply and strives to maintain peace through doing what's right.  How is it that so many people don't get this?  On many levels I've understood this, though I didn't make the actual comparison until the last 5 years.

Demanding peace, rejecting change, forcing change, and ignoring responsibilities (all of them, including emotional and moral ones) does NOT bring peace but chaos.  Being a control freak not only hurts the person (whether they see it or not), but it also hurts the people closest to them.

The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and this is no exception.

I'm sick to death of fighting my way past T's crap, the debris of his indifference and intolerance.  I've been here before and it stinks to the high heavens like misery.  I reject completely the idea that I have to live in a joyless life, empty and void of all happiness and possibility.

Dammit, but NO ONE deserves to live this way.

I'm trying very hard to not hate men for the first time in my life, and the ONLY saving grace I have in that is I see how my sons turned out, all good, decent, selfless men.  At least their generation has some hope.  Not so much mine.

Part II: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

...as promised.

PART I: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

Self-explanatory, yes?

PART III: Malignant Narcissists, Revisited.

By request.... PART III.  And Julia, I will post the video to the song at the end of this...

PART II: Malignant Narcisists, Revisited.

By request.... PART II.  Part III is next.

Thanksgiving Eve...

Well, anyway....

Too soon?

Naaaaaah.  Not for me.

Not feeling it....

I've always liked decorating early for Christmas.  Dragging everything out of storage, opening boxes and bags, and decorating... takes a minute, so the idea of putting everything up for a couple of weeks after all that works just doesn't make any sense to me.  Plus, my inner child is alive and well and always excited about Christmas, decorating, hot chocolate with marshmallows, Christmas cartoons and movies and every single bit of tradition out there.  I'm all in for Christmas...usually.

The last few years, however, the excitement has dimmed to a dull hue of red and green, to be honest.  I pretty much know the 'why' of this, but I've struggled over the past 6-7 years or so to repair whatever is sucking the joy out of the holidays and restore it to it's former, magical splendor.  If only....

It's not enough to know what's wrong.  Everything I long for when the nostalgia takes hold are those things that are just out of my reach. My attempts to re-create what's lost have failed, and I'm finding myself depressed more and more each year by the holidays.  While this depression doesn't completely isolate itself to Christmas only, that's the one that is the most difficult to navigate.

I really just hate this.

What 'haven't' I tried to breathe life back into the holidays?

This house is decked out big time, and... I'm just not feeling it.  I walk through the house, and I really love what I see.  But something vital is missing, and it's been fading away for years.  Yeah, yeah, I know this sounds like such a downer, but for me it really is in so many ways.

When all the reaching for better, happier, more joyful falls to the wayside.. so do I.  Just a fact.  There isn't any real way for me to work through this by myself, because the problem isn't an unknown.  As weird as that sounds, it's true.  When you don't know what's wrong, your focus shifts to one of discovery.  But when you know what's wrong one of the first things that comes to mind, for me anyway, is "Okay.  Now what?"  And, unfortunately, that's where I'm stuck.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm planning on digging into my web sites if I have enough energy to do so.  Maybe it will distract me, though I realize it won't solve anything.  I have to do something to fight my way out of this.

For the sake of this particular blog and it's 'intended' theme/focus, I will say that I'm doing well on my diet in the sense that I'm not having any urges to cheat etc., and in fact have been eating under my points (which can backfire on me later and likely will).

Okay, so.. no, I'm not making much sense at the moment.  I'm tired, so so tired.  I didn't sleep well last night which makes this all so much more intense, and in the wrong way.  At the urge of a couple of you, I'm trying, and that's about all I can promise I'll do right now.

Tomorrow is another day.  But today... I'm just not feeling it.

Life, dammit.

Still behind---hope to catch up this week...

Autumn Whispers to Me: An experience. A book-to-be.....

My favorite time of year is here, and I've taken the first steps to re-vamping my sites so I can have them live again.  A story, a memory, and a future-book, "Autumn Whispers to Me" will be live soon.  Until then, there are the audio blogs...

Holidays, the Non-Gift Giver, and the Joy of Giving Gifts

Sounds so cliche, doesn't it?  In a time where 'black friday' means people literally trampling each other, sometimes to death (yes, this has happened) to get to the 'best deal,' I can only shake my head and wonder what things have come to, why people are focusing SO heavily on 'stuff.'  I have no problem with the whole 'Christmas package,' meaning the tree, the trimming, the gift giving, the music, and all the little traditions most of us remember from childhood.  I LOVE this stuff.  And for the record, this isn't a religious discussion (I'm Catholic), so I won't be touching on THAT aspect of the season.  Just so you know.

Gifts.  Depending on the person gifts can hold different meanings, different associations, and have very different affects.  Some people are very hard to please and require expensive gifts, while others are quite content with small items with big meaning.  I fall into the latter category.  To me, a well-thought-out gift is worth more than all the jewelry, diamonds, or money in the world.  If someone where to give me a crazy, unique, or spooky stuffed toy... then they've given me gold.  I'm not that hard to please.  Having said that, what about those who live with someone who isn't a gift-giver?  How does that work?  Well, that depends too....

Know who you're with.  Sounds easy, doesn't it?  Well first off let me say that for the sake of this conversation we're going to talk about men--men who aren't gift-givers and what it means.  DO know that I fully understand and am aware that there are women like this out there, but the majority tend to be men.  Women are rather hard-wired for being people-pleasers.

Know who you're with.  You can't really choose a meaningful gift if you don't know who it is you're buying for.  Well, you can sometimes come close by focusing on trends for particular age groups and gender.  But that's outside of the scope of this conversation.  If you know who you're with, then choosing (or making!) a meaningful gift is a no-brainer.  All it requires, really, is for you to actually give a crap.  Blunt?  Yes.  And there's no reason not to be blunt.

Respect who you're with.  THIS is the key, folks.  THIS is what makes or breaks relationships.  It's more than an ideal, it's a necessity.  If you don't respect WHO you're with, you're doomed, dude.  Plain and simple.  Might as well give up right now, because that relationship isn't going to last.   And if it does, it will be one miserable time for all.

Respect is the foundation for every single relationship in your life.  It doesn't matter if it's home, work, family, friends, or enemies.  If you have genuine respect for someone you're going to be pretty damn close to being on-target with just about every situation with them.  I promise.  The only time respect on YOUR part won't work.. is if that person doesn't respect YOU.  But that's another talk show.

Respecting someone for WHO they are, and this is very important, means you KNOW who they are and ACCEPT them for who they are.  If you don't get this, you're screwed.  But getting back to the point--when it comes to gift-giving it's not about YOU, the giver, it's about THEM, the receiver.  A gift isn't something you do for yourself, but something you do for another.  And it's utterly shocking how many people don't really get this.  Now, is there something in it for you, the giver?  Of course! And that, my friend, is a very personal thing, so I'm not going to go into that here.  But giving a gift is NOT about you. Know this first and foremost.

It's okay to make a mistake.  For lack of a better word, I'm using "Mistake" for clarity and understanding.  Even if you know someone well, you can choose the wrong gift in some people's eyes.  Get that?  In SOME people's eyes.  I'm also not talking about people who don't APPRECIATE a gift, so let's not focus on that, because it too is another talk show.

You get the wrong size, wrong color, a music cd of a band you think she liked.. only to find out.. she hates them.  It CAN and DOES happen!  But the difference is.. how many times does it happen?  A couple?  And is it really an honest mistake on your part--because she's going to know.

If it's an honest mistake, a good woman is going to know.  If it's carelessness, she's going to know.  If you put NO thought into it (here's where knowing and respecting that person comes in), she's definitely going to know.

But if it's truly an honest mistake... it's okay.  Either she'll be sentimental and suck it up and keep the gift, or she will exchange it.  So.. how you react to those things are up to you.  Just know that it's REALLY not a big deal.

I can't say I see any gift as a mistake.  Well, if you buy me men's cologne.. then yeah, that's a huge mistake. lol  But for the most part, the effort speaks for itself.

The guys who aren't gift-givers.  Now this is a big one.  And a complex issue.  So I'm going to attempt to not make even more so.  Some guys aren't big gift-givers, but they show love in meaningful ways.  I mean, how can you fault that?  You can't.  Tenderness, care, compassion, friendship, being a good listener, being a strong support system for whatever is needed, and being her biggest cheerleader.  Oh yeah, those things... are worth more than gold.  And if you have that, CHERISH it with all you have!

The flip-side to this whole gift-giving thing is what's often lost on some guys.  YOU may not be into it, but if SHE is, then why not participate in something that brings her joy?  I can't speak for the situations where 'she' wants excessively expensive things, but I can say that for women like me, who are happy with the little things, it really wouldn't take much effort to make Christmas 'super cool.'

I'm with someone who isn't a gift-giver, and there are other issues that overshadow that.  BUT, it would take very little to make Christmas an absolutely lovely affair.  But T doesn't really feel ANYTHING about the holidays, outside of a religious nature that is, and so I'm left to putting up a tree and decorating by myself.  This wouldn't be such a big deal if T appreciated any of it.  Last year the tree was decorated, as well as a couple of rooms, and he walked through the door and noticed not a single bit of it.  It was a surreal and strange experience, and one I'm not willing to go through again.  So this year, I'm decorating for ME.  What this means is I'm decorating the tree and house the way I want to.  Well, given my health isn't kicking me in the ass too much to actually decorate.  Just know this, guys, when things get to this point, when she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

When she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

I'll let that sink in a moment...

There are men out there that literally have no appreciation of the gifts given to them, the time, effort, money, etc. put into choosing just the right thing.  Seriously, guys. even if it's inexpensive, it should still be meaningful and memorable by you.  Some guys show their utter lack of appreciation for gifts given to them by actually FORGETTING WHO GAVE THEM THE GIFT!  And oh yes, this happens.  In my own experience... I gave a gift to my ex, a bear, and he GAVE IT BACK to me a year later.. as a gift!  He 'thought' he'd bought it.  But I actually had/have photos of when I chose it, purchased it, and took it home.  I hand-delivered this gift to him, and he didn't even remember who gave it to him to begin with.  And to make matters worse is---his 'shopping' in the stuff he had around the house to find me a Valentine's Day gift.  Wow.  A hand-written love letter would have blown me away, and it would've cost nothing but a few minutes of his time.  *sigh*  Guys... don't do this to your wife or GF.

If you're a guy who isn't a gift-giver, consider trying to do that for her.  Maybe it doesn't come natural to do that, but it can become a sweet habit if you simply... practice.  Don't have the money to buy her a bouquet of flowers... buy ONE!  Buy a rosebush and plant it for her (the gift that keeps on giving).  Whatever it is you do, put thought into your choice, make it say "I know you," "I see who you are and I love that about you."

Thoughtful gift givers put actual thought into the process, don't overly focus on cost (staying within budget, though) but on choosing something that fits that person, watch for clues as to what might be the perfect gift for that person, plans ahead--doesn't rush out at the last second and choose whatever's easiest, and makes their choice from the heart.

Not a gift-giver and unwilling to try?  If you simply can't be a gift-giver, then at least get out of the way and let her buy her own gifts.

It's really simple when you think about it.