The Spaces Between the Seconds

Seems a common theme, doesn't it?  That most of my entries are about being lost, confused, and simply just not knowing where the hell I am or even WHO I am sometimes.  I've been here before, having lost myself completely in another situation.  And there is really nothing at all good about being in this place at all.  No.  Not at all.  But it's a lot like being in quicksand--knowing if you move at all in any direction you're going to sink even faster.  Crap.  Crap.  Crap.

I don't mind being lost as long as it's beautiful where I am.

For a moment, if I could just lose myself to something bigger, magnificent, taken to a place that feeds my soul.  Life is just too short to settle for mediocrity, and yet that's exactly what I've done.  And I really don't think at all that it has anything to do with being led, blindly, into the abyss, but rather than I've forged ahead on my own while my eyes were closed, shut tight against what might be.

The mundane features of every day life are what we exist in, right?  I mean, we can't avoid it for the most part...unless we're filthy rich.  We do our own laundry, wash our own dishes, clean the house, the dog, and so forth...

But it's what happens between the seconds that count the most.

That's where I lose myself, in those places between the seconds.  It's not easy finding my way in there right now.  I truly believe, though, that the happiest people are the ones who live in those tiny moments, because it what connects everything else.  Every.  Thing.  Else.

So what do those seconds mean to me?  What are they?  They're different for everyone, but for me personally they're little sparks of time that shine brighter and warmer than the sun, yet are as calming as they are invigorating when you submerge yourself in them....

Since moving here a year and a half ago I've lost every one of those seconds.  Prior to that...I was fairly good at finding the little sparks and allowing them to ignite what flows through me---my wants, dreams, wishes, illuminating all that inspires awe.  Those were what fed the creative side.

Now, when I reach for life in those potent places I'm yanked back into the more stagnant parts of life. I don't thrive there.  I don't think anyone does.  But when you're with someone who ONLY lives in that inert place... it can drag you down like an anchor.  And no, I'm not speaking of being anchored as in grounded.  I'm talking purely of something that takes you under the water and drowns every vibrant part of your being.

That's where I am when I'm lost.

Like now.

Drowning.

What comes naturally to me is to exist in beauty, surrounding myself and shaping my environment so that it resonates with what's inside of me.  I think this is what everyone does, even if they're not aware of it.  But it's something I need to do to be healthy!  No amount of explaining to T has made him understand, nor has it inspired him to take the initiative to FIND understanding.  He doesn't understand me.  At all.  And, sadly, he's chosen to be an anchor in my life that's keeping me from seeing the sun... or breathing.

The only way I can survive is to pull away and do what I have to do, risking his disapproval, ire, or whatever.  But you know what?  I've done things his way for some time now, and it's killing me..slowly but surely.  Not just who and what I am inside, but they physical body as well.  The way I will choose to live my life from here forward is to save my life.  I have to.

My needs aren't being met on any level.  As a human being I feel shackled.  As a women I feel dissected.  What I need to do NOW is change my feelings and life.  Period.

I don't recognize my surroundings or myself.  My bad health is making things far worse, too, and.. well, I'm working on that.  Those chains are what they are, but they will be shed far faster than the ones inside my soul.

I can't breathe.

It's just time is all.  I will change my own environment because I have to.  My spirit longs deeply and wholly to explore beautiful places, to see what I've not seen, to submerge each and every sense I have into being alive!  I need travel.  I need to experience something else.

I need my life back.  Again.  So I'm taking it back and making my own experiences based on what I need.  The time has come to actually live my life and feel complete, whole, invigorated....

Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd feat. John Lennon

Damn thing won't stop beeping

Day 2 with the heart monitor, and it just won't stop beeping.  Okay, so there are pauses, but there have been SO many... I didn't get this many when I had SVT, AFib, and atrial flutter.  Weird.  For those who don't know how an event monitor works, you basically wear a portable EKG that comes with a monitor that records everything your heart does, and a wireless communicator that sends the information to the monitoring center.  Yes, you're actually monitored the entire time, 24/7, by real people.  This is not the same thing as a Holter monitor where you have the recorder only.

So when an 'event' occurs, one that you know of, you hit the button at the top of the monitor to mark the EKG, then the communicator asks what happened (palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, etc.), then it asks what you were doing when it happened (nothing, walking, exercising, etc.).  And whether or not you FEEL what happens, 'they' know..and it's recorded anyway and uploaded to the monitoring center's software.

When I speak of 'beeps,' there are actually 2 that happen during the event.  The first beep says something is happening and being recorded (blinking green light goes solid)...which takes approximately a minute, and the second beep says that event has been marked and is being uploaded (alternating blinking green and blue lights).  Nothing on the communicator asks you to state what happened or what you were doing because, if you didn't push the button, you're not aware anything happened anyway.

Basically, it beeps often when I'm standing, and it beeps nearly every time I bend over to pick something up off the floor.  It's also been beeping while laying down (like last night), and also when I'm just sitting and talking to someone.  This is not the way this usually goes for me, so I don't know what it's picking up.  Possibly PVCs, which most people have and aren't often aware of.  Thing is... I've never had a monitor go off as much as I have the past 24 hrs.  I have to wear this for 4 days, and it's procedure as a one year follow-up after a cardiac ablation.  It's meant to make sure episodes of the arrhythmia(s) aren't happening and determines wether or not the ablation(s) was/were successful or not.

Now, I have iron deficiency anemia, and it's NOT being treated.  So that could possibly explain anything my heart is doing.  Or it could be something related to the Grade II Diastolic Dysfunction I've recently be diagnosed with.  Not sure.  Honestly, I first thought I had a defective monitor, but the monitoring center ALWAYS knows if something's wrong and calls to recalibrate or decide if they need to send another monitor.  So far, no calls.  This is good in that nothing serious is happening. ;)

I know.  Blah blah blah.  I will get to more personal matters later on.

AMAZING Detox Results from no Dairy/Gluten

I did the most disgusting thing yesterday

As confessions go, I have to say that facing the radical diet changes I'm facing, I thought it was time to step out on that ledge and test the waters.  Now, I've been working on a vegetarian/vegan diet for a few months, which means strictly no meat (easy for me) and trying to avoid dairy at all costs.  The latter has been difficult because they put milk, whey, etc. in just about everything, even potato chips.  WTH?  Not that I need to eat potato chips, because I definitely don't, but it's shocking how much dairy is in processed foods.  Now, the flip side to this is... I've become exceedingly sensitive to dairy, and trust me when I say it's best I spare you the details.  But even without the details let's just say that a plant-based diet is the right diet for me.  Now... having said that, let me add a big, fat 'however' to the mix.  Yeah.  We all get ourselves into trouble with the 'however,' issues.. don't we?

I've cut out dairy and meat, and I like that.  A lot.  It works for me.  However...I may have to add fish back into my diet due to the anemia I'm trying to resolve in hopes that it won't take MONTHS for it to resolve.  And for the record, I know and have been assured that the anemia is NOT from having a plant-based diet.  I understand the difference between heme (meat, etc.) and non-heme (beans, peas, lentils, kale and other green leafy veggies, raisins,  etc. etc.) iron and what I have to do to ensure proper absorption of that non-heme iron (vitamin C helps with absorption).  And it takes 2-4 years of a totally STRICT vegan/vegetarian diet for iron stores to become depleted.  By 'strict' I mean.. absolutely no meat, dairy, and no processed foods whatsoever.  Processed foods are often supplemented with iron (wheat, bread, pasta, etc.).  Most anemia is due to a health issue or bleeding.  We've no idea what's causing mine yet.

So, about that totally disgusting thing I did yesterday....

I ate a couple of bites of meat.  Ham, which I was opposed to eating even before I went to a plant-based diet.  It.  Was.  SO.  Disgusting!  It actually tasted like someone had given me pieces of salt-infused leather to eat!  Never again!

I have to try fish this week sometime.  I should have done it already, but I've been putting it off because, honestly, the idea just grosses me out like you wouldn't believe.  And back when I did eat meat, salmon was probably my favorite fish.  Over time, however, I got to where I didn't like it anymore.  Honestly, it isn't hard AT ALL for me to not eat meat.  I don't ever crave it, and it just tastes and feels wrong in my mouth.

So the meat experiment was an epic failure.  I'm okay with that.  More than okay.  I now have to see what happens when I try to eat salmon or other fish.  So exactly what's that about??....

Well, salmon is a source of heme iron, and one I may be able to tolerate until my doctor gets to the bottom of this whole anemia thing.  It's not safe to self-supplement with iron as it can cause great harm to your health if you're not getting the correct dose.  It's not something you want to mess with.  Foods with iron are a great way to keep anemia at bay IF your health is normal.  But you can't replenish your iron stores with food when you're anemic, and when you do get supplements from your doctor, and even if your anemia is so bad you require transfusions, it STILL takes a very long time to correct iron deficiency anemia.  Many say it takes about a year.

I've no idea yet how bad my anemia is.  My doctor just looked at my labs and said I'm anemic then set about to find out WHY.  The first usual suspect is hidden bleeding, and we've found no source yet.   The small intestine isn't accessible during EGD and requires the little pill camera to see what's going on in there.  Not sure we'll go that route, but it's a possibility.  Another issue that can cause it is bone marrow disorder.  Not sure we're going there either.  But something is certainly causing me to have anemia, and in the meantime.. I can begin taking in a little heme iron and making sure I supplement any non heme sources with a form of vitamin C.

.... I can tell you this, however... I am NOT going to experience the meat thing again.  Seriously.  Yuck!  Not sure I can even do fish, but.. we're certainly going to find out.

PART 1: While I was looking the other way.

After focusing on the liver issues and anemia and how to resolve them, I didn't take into account that anything else could be causing or contributing to my symptoms.  After my ablations last year for AFib, Atrial Flutter, and Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT), I figured that was going to be pretty much it for heart issues.  I've had Mitral Valve Prolapse since I was a kid, and yes... that valve began to leak and is at the mild-moderate stage at this time.  I'm supposed to get a yearly ultrasound to keep an eye on things, and up till this past week it was just something I had to do.  I'm about 6 months late on this past one because the clinic I usually go to has lost 3 doctors to career move or changes, and this means my appointment got pushed months out due to the shortage of doctors.  I didn't really think much of it and decided to see if I could get my yearly ultrasound done when I went to see my EP about getting the Watchman Device implanted in my heart... at his suggestion.  I won't discuss that particular device right now because I've previously posted about it.  And I've yet to see if I can even have the procedure done in lieu of recent ultrasound findings.

Saturday (22nd) I received the ultrasound report in the mail.  I certainly didn't expect to see what was on the sheet, to tell you the truth.

I know the MVP can get worse in some people, and mine is slowly getting worse.  I also know that during my last two ultrasounds I discovered that my aortic valve was also leaking.  Well, it is what it is, and this is why I get a yearly ultrasound.

So I'm home alone and looking over the report that arrived in the mail on Saturday, and I see several things listed that surprised me...and I've listed the highlights below.  I will get to what it all means in a moment...

Left Ventricle
Diastolic filling demonstrates a pseudonormal pattern (new).

Left Atrium
Left Atrium Chamber is mildly dilated (new).

Right Atrium
Right Atrium Chamber is mildly dilated (new).

Aortic Valve
The Aortic Valve is mildly calcified.  There is mild aortic regurgitation (I already knew about this).

Mitral Valve
The Mitral Valve leaflet is mildly thickened.  There is mild-moderate mitral regurgitation (knew about this as well, with the exception of the valve now being thickened).

Tricuspid Valve
Trace tricuspid regurgitation (new).

Pulmonary Valve
There is trivial pulmonic regurgitation (new.  "Trivial" refers to the amount, but there is nothing trivial about this).

Diagnosis

Grade II/IV diastolic dysfunction.  This is heart failure.

Okay, so... there it is.  Now what?  Basically, Grade I is pretty much reversible and doesn't require treatment.  Grades II, on the other hand, requires treatment in hopes it won't progress quickly.  I have to wait to find out WHAT that treatment will be.  For some, this occurred due to high BP, but for me.. it was most likely a combination of years of having SVT, MVP, and then Afib and atrial flutter.  It's not like they can treat my HBP because I don't have that.  I may still end up on a beta blocker (hate those) to slow my HR down so it fills properly and doesn't regurgitate back into my lungs.

So yeah, there were a few new things that I learned about from this last ultrasound, none of them good.  Grade II is usually symptomatic, and I now wonder how much of the awful symptoms I've had are due to DD and not anemia or liver issues.  Something interesting that I've discovered, however, is that at night the pressure can cause RUQ pain in the liver.

Well, what do I do with this information?  Simply put, I need to get my shit together.  Exercise (with Dr's approval) is necessary, diet changes (low-fat and low-sodium), etc.  The usual.  My question is--- how the hell do I exercise when I now deal with exercise intolerance?  I guess I will have to find out.

I've been in a sort of daze since I received the news, and while I'm not really 'scared,' parts of me think I should be, because fear is often motivating in these circumstances.  Still, I'm not sure how I feel about this.  And as for T... he's indifferent, doesn't talk about it, and goes through his entire day as if I told him I stubbed my toe.  And it's not the 'I'm going to think positive' type of indifference, either.  He really has this reaction to just about everything, unless it's about him specifically.  This has been an ongoing problem of late, and it's now become more critical than ever to figure out what it all means to me.  Doesn't really matter what his indifference means to him, because he just claims he's not.  Denial isn't a river in Egypt.

So the question remains... how do I feel about this?  The answer is.. I really don't know.

It's not easy to sort through something like this without talking about it.  But who do I talk to?  No clue.  No clue at all.

To tell all, or not to tell all---that is the question

Or is it?

I've been trying to bring myself to a place where I can unload, completely unload here on my blogs.  Not just this one, but all of them.  I get so close sometimes, and yet I seem to pull back once my fingers hit the keyboard.  What the hell am I so afraid of?

I created my blogs to have a place to talk about things, to sometimes vent, to sometimes ponder, to just.. talk.  And yet I find myself skirting around the facts and splashing vague hints on the page instead of just telling it like it is.  What will be the catalyst... the one thing that will have to happen in order for me to 'get there'?

My blogs were created for the very purpose of writing my thoughts and experiences, hopes, dreams, wishes, dislikes, or what-the-hell-ever.  So why aren't I doing that?  Why do I hold back?  This is the dilemma, isn't it?  Not being able to speak my mind?  And WTH is that really about anyway?

I often wake up on the morning with SO freaking much to say!  I go to bed at night with the intense need to get stuff out of my head and out in the open so I can see and deal with it.  But do I DO that?...put it all out there?  Hell no, I don't.  And there's just so much to say, to tell, to unload.

This particular blog was created specifically to write about health issues, diet, and... to allow my flirty side come out and play.  Oh, it may seem odd at first, the idea of those topics coming together in one place.  But if you think about it, it actually makes perfect sense.  So... why have I failed so miserably here?  Well, I wouldn't call it a 'failure,' exactly.  But I haven't succeeded in really letting go and telling whatever, which was my intention.

And trust me, there are lots of juicy bits to tell.

Perhaps I need to make it a goal, a REAL goal.  You know, finding a way to open up completely and talk about whatever the hell I want.. without remorse or looking back.  Apparently I'm a total wuss these days, and I really need to fix that, like, asap!

Okay, self... we're going to work on that.

But I do wonder...  Is anyone REALLY ready for me to do that?

Colonoscopy Prep....

I hate you.  That is all.

Reminder: My other blogs

A couple of you have sent me messages on FaceBook regarding a few issues I promised to talk about or update about.  I have.  You may have just missed where I spoke about them.  This was the problem I mentioned previously about keeping all 3 of my blogs.  But you guys begged me to keep them all, so I did. :)

So as a reminder, and to either clear up confusion or create more, here are the links to my other blogs.  You can always find them in the menu section (side bar) under Alter Ego.  Also, in case you've forgotten, mostly the separate blogs are for focus, so that all topics don't all end up getting blended together in one place.

Hope this helps...

Where Fireflies Dream

http://gothicwell.blogspot.com

All Things Ephemeral

http://autumnwhisperstome.blogspot.com

Boo’s Juicy Bits

http://boosjuicybits.blogspot.com

Each blog is designed for a specific purpose and focus, true, but all of them overlap in many ways.  I may end up burning myself out posting on one, and may not get a chance to post an entry on the others the same day, or at the same time.  There will be times, in other words, where it may appear as if I've not made an entry...when I actually have but on a different blog.

A brief explanation of the blogs may help a little bit.  Just remember that even if a topic/blog may not interest you, I may have spilled everything there and not posted elsewhere.

Where Fireflies Dream was intended to be a place for dreams, wishes, hopes, plans, goals, etc.  But it's evolved over time into something bigger than that.  That's about all I can do to explain this blog.  There are days when the focus is implied, and days when I'm speaking in contrast to what the focus actually is.

All Things Ephemeral is the original blog, the one I built and posted on about anything and everything you could possibly imagine.  I used to give quite a bit of details, which often meant deleting entries after a time that said too much.  Hence the name "All Things Ephemeral."  Now, I've not recently unloaded in detail there, so most of the entries remain intact.

NOTE:  It must be said that when I do post in great detail there the post may not remain for long.  So if you make it a habit of reading posts in this blog you probably won't miss anything.  If you wait too long.. the entry may be deleted.

Boo's Juicy Bits:  Now this blog is mainly about health and diet in the context of flirtatious fun.  With health issues wreaking havoc, however, it's changed the entries for the most part.  But as things change and I get on top of things... it will return to its original and flirty content.  I'm not about faking things to entertain, so you guys will know pretty much where I am by what you read there.

Again, ALL of these blogs intersect in some way.  They all have a purpose, to which I've tried to keep true on, but they still cross over one another in ways.

Okay.  Enough of this.  Again, you can find the links to the Alter Ego blogs in the bar to the side of each blog.

Well... this liquid diet is kicking my ass today, so I'm off here for now.

*waves*

Dear Dairy...

We need to talk.

They put you in almost everything, including things you really have NO business being in.  You lurk, skulk about, hiding in a deep and complicated list of ingredients and use false identities to conceal yourself.  In the human diet, you're a complete and total fraud.

Potato chips.  Why?  Why are you there?  It's not 'potato and milk chips,' so wtf are you in there?  It's a trap.  Good thing I'm not eating potato chips.

Thank goodness for an app on my phone I can use to scan any food that's processed, and not that I NEED to eat processed foods.  It just happens sometimes.  I should fix that.

As diligent as I am I'm not perfect at finding the hidden dairy in certain foods.  And OH... do I EVER pay the ultimate price when I do.  *sigh*

Dear dairy, I'm sorry.. but I broke up with you because you're a sadistic bitch who hurts me whenever I have to deal with you.  Our relationship over the years has been toxic, though I failed to see the connection between you and so much discomfort and misery.  This is the end.  We must part ways, completely and totally.

You should stick with the calves for which you were perfectly created.  And I know mankind has treated the life that holds you like garbage, living factories for human consumption.  And I'm deeply sorry for that.  So I will continue to do my part to not support the industry who do those vile and inhuman things we know happen.

As for last night---I forgive you.  I'm still breaking up with you.  But I forgive you, because you weren't meant for me.  Yes, I indulged in you unknowingly and paid a HUGE price for it.  But I forgive you just the same.

Goodbye, dairy.  I wish you well.

Seclusion

Never really a good idea.  Just saying.

I've had a bad time of writing here lately, always so unsure of what I'm doing or where I'm going.  Let's face it--I'm stuck.  Not for a lack of trying, but mostly for a lack of motivation and guidance.  I can't even begin to tell you how tough it is to be mostly isolated while trying to reach out.

WTH is that all about anyway?

My sense of direction right now is also f*cked up.  Too much is unknown for me to pick a direction, a focus, anything that would remotely help me to get up again.  Yes, the health issue is greatly responsible for what I have to deal with from day to day, and not having definitive answers makes things even worse.  Freaking limbo.  Damn.

Well, I guess I do have ONE direction/focus---health.  It will have to do for now.  But honestly, I'm going to plan for a vacation...at the least, a short road trip to somewhere where I can take in the scenery and renew my soul.

Yeah.  Most definitely.

Crafty little devils

It's been an odd day of thinking, reflection, research and nostalgia.  I haven't a clue on where things will go once I get my liver biopsy.  Oh, yeah.. my Dr. decided we should go ahead and do one.  It's the 'gold standard' in diagnosing and staging NASH, and to also see if fibrosis, etc. is present.  I'm not expecting them to find fibrosis, but the biopsy is the only way to know what's what.  It's a risky procedure and one I'm NOT looking forward to.. which those of you already know if you've read the entries in Where Fireflies Dream.  Still, my entire diet will need to change, and I am glad I eat a plant-based diet because that's going to be my saving grace.  However, I will have to limit fruit and all forms of fructose.  C'est la vie.  Whatever it takes.

Things have to change.  Significantly.

Sorry this is short, but I spent all of my energy posting on Where Fireflies Dream and have so little left of me at this point.   No worries, because I intend on getting back here to talk about things later.  No promises.  But I do intend to...

Tomorrow....

My follow-up appointment with my GI specialist is tomorrow, as well as an appointment with a pulmonologist.  I have no idea how any of it will go, nor do I even know what to think about the appointment.  I'm a little burned out right now, to tell you the truth.

Tomorrow seems years away right now.  I really just want it to be done and over with so I know what comes next, if anything, with this whole liver thing.

Yeah.  I'm a bit burned out right now, so... continuing here is really pointless.  If I continue I'm most likely not going to make any sense at all.  Best to just leave it be until I can gather my thoughts again.  Think I spilled my guts pretty well on All Things Ephemeral and Where Fireflies Dream...

Time to try rejuvenating myself...

*sigh*

When a post sits in draft for over 2 years

8/6/2013 I wrote an entry I never published.  It sits even now in 'draft' while I refuse to make it go away once and for all.  I'm not sure what to make of it, and I'm definitely not sure what to say about it.  I only know that from time to time I read it to make sure, perhaps, that I don't forget.

What the hell
does that
even
mean?

Extreme - More Than Words