What part of "At the bottom" don't you get?

The diet, still postponed because there's no food in the house to accommodate a low-carb eating plan. Tonight was supposed to be the night to cook, prepare, etc. for what I will need during the day.  Not going to happen, as T has decided to do some errands after work.  Granted, I know what the errands are and agree they're important.  But damn.  Let's get this show on the road already.

Depression is at my heels constantly, and while it's not exactly like I'm moping around crying about everything, it's disruptive nature has a voracious appetite, is tenacious as hell, and very unlucky to give up easily.  What I'm left with is anxiety and a 'flatness' that is almost worse than any imagined 'sadness' I could be dealing with.

So tonight it's Chinese food.  Could be a lot worse I guess.  But I miss clean eating and would like to get this whole diet thing rolling.  The longer I put it off the more anxious I become.

I despise depression, especially when you know why it's happening and have no way to get a resolution... solution.  So frustrating.

Trying to make it through this evening is pretty much where I'm at right now.  I'm going to be watching a movie, and... hopefully I'll be sleepy by the time it's over.  Oddly, "Sleepy" these days don't guarantee sleep.  Funny how that works.  Oh well.

It is what it is.

Why?

Going off the diet over the holiday weekend gave me both severe pain---and insight.  I've decided to try low carbing again to see if maybe that would have an effect on my blood sugar, lowering it at least some.  As for the pain part, it's bad, real bad.  Indigestion that is absolutely horrible, and the right upper quadrant pain with referred pain through to my back is almost unbearable.  Nothing helps.  Nothing at all.  But tomorrow.... everything will change with my eating, and I will hopefully be back on the right track with my stomach and gut issues.

Ugh.  Yeah, holiday meals are great, but what the hell was I thinking?  I should've known better.

Life.

Better late than never. Right? Right.

So, this one should've been posted a few days back or so.  Chaos... what can I say?

Diet & Holidays.

Yeah, like this one really needs explaining.  It's been asked of me... "HOW can you diet during the holidays?"  I have no answer, to be honest.  When it's time, your mind and body knows, and for me.. it was time.  It IS time.  Though I've been less focused in these last few days before Christmas.  Some of it is the depression rearing its ugly head, but it's also just a choice.  It's okay.  I've not given up.

My struggle with "To diet or not to diet" in the middle of the holidays is based on a few things, including (but not limited to) the lack of a support network.  During the days when the "Why bother?" thing sets in I'm least likely to stand firm in my resolve where health etc is concerned.  For all practical purposes I fall straight into the emotional survival mode that prevents me from just walking into the bedroom, crawling into bed and staying there.  Hey, I'm not going to sugarcoat this, because it is a rather serious matter.

I'm allowing myself wiggle room, forgiveness, and loosening the too-tight grip I have on the desire to force myself to stay the course.  Without some slack during the holidays it feels a lot light tying my own hands.  T isn't helping in this respect, so I have to help myself.  And this seems the best way to do that---cut myself some slack and just try to enjoy whatever this is.  Look, honestly, the holidays haven't felt like holidays in years.  Just a fact.

So here's to just going easier on myself.

When the shift happens.

Your whole world opens up.

The American Dreamer by Jacob Seales of Right Side Broadcasting Network (RSBN)

Written specifically for Donald J. Trump, our now President Elect. :)

Sigmund C. Monster and Me.

As I wait for an audio entry to upload I sit here in mostly silence and wonder about today, tomorrow, and riddled with static from the past... I'm still struggling to make sense of it all.  In some ways, at least today, I'll give myself a pass on not being able to figure out the meaning of life and the universe and will, instead, have a hot cup of Jr. Mint cocoa.  Oh, but I highly recommend hot cocoa on a cold Winter's day in the midst of turmoil and chaos.  Okay, okay... so there's no real turmoil, but.. it sounded like a good excuse to have cocoa.  ;)

Where I am today is a place of waiting, and waiting on Sigmund C. Monster (2017 MINI Cooper S) to be built and transported to the USA.  I custom-ordered him, and the build/options/colors etc are like the image above, and I'm absolutely in love with this little guy.  He's my first convertible, but NOT my first MINI.  And... I'll just have to get used to wearing a hat or scarf or something to keep ME from looking like a sea monster after having hurricane force winds whipping my hair about. lol

Sigmund is in production and due to be completed early January, 2017.  Hey, perfection takes time!

Yeah, I can actually get happy and excited about the arrival of my little Monster.  And yes, what a weird time of year to think about owning a convertible.  Well, it DOES come with a top, and I'm a total wuss in the cold weather, so there's that.  But luckily I'm in the south where we have more warm/hot weather than cold.

The color is called "Caribbean Aqua," and yes.. I did order black bonnet stripes on mine.  I did NOT, however, add the chrome option, and... the side mirrors match the body color 2/3 of the way with black on the lower portion of those mirrors.  But other than that, this pic is what he will look like, right down to the rims.

"OMG!  WHITE INTERIOR!!  Are you NUTS?"  lol  Hey, you only live once, so why not go with what you really like if you can?  The best part about this is that I will be able to drive again, and that's a HUGE life-changer for me.  Having to sell my other MINI because it's a manual (which my left knee and shoulder can no longer handle) meant no driving SAFELY or without massive pain.  It's all good, though, because Sigmund C. Monster and I have plans.  And everybody needs plans.

I've done well today, and it took a mind-set refresh and a great deal of resolve to NOT allow any weirdness wreck me or my mood.  I have this to look forward to, and I am going to start planning my first road trip in my little Monster, because Sigmund and me... well, we have places to go and things to see and life to experience.

It's about time.

PS.... just a warning... the audio I'm posting shortly isn't going to be as optimistic-sounding as this entry. ;p 

A brief update....

Just because...

Part II; Generally speaking...

Or not so generally speaking, as the case may be...

Part I: Generally speaking...

NOTE:  So there were some issues with the audio quality, music in the background too loud... anyway, I will replace the original with one that is easier to hear.

Well... this...

Get the hell out of my way already!

Relationships.  Dieting.  Health.  Healing.  Life.  Living.  Hope.  Freedom.   Self.  Respect.  All the connections exist to either lift us or knock us down in our efforts to better ourselves.  With regards to dieting and weight loss there is nothing more damaging than being around, or living with, someone who doesn't have your best efforts in mind.  Most of you have experienced this, and those of you who have know just how much long-term damage comes into play when someone sets out to sabotage your efforts.  Despite all the asking, begging, pleading and demanding... that person, or persons... simply cannot see what they're doing, even when you point it out to them repeatedly.  So what the hell to do?

I've been here before but was able to rise above it all in the long run.  Thing is, when this happened I didn't LIVE with the person.  Now I do, and I'm here to say that it not just changes how you see a person who works to do harm to your health, it changes the way you react to them; I've also been there before too.

There are several ways people sabotage your weight loss efforts.  Here's just a few:

Repeatedly offering foods/desserts you can't have on your diet.
Telling you "One bite isn't going to hurt you."
Feigning hurt feelings when they bring food to you and you refuse to eat it.
Keeping foods that aren't on your diet in the fridge or cupboards.
Baking/cooking things you can't have.

The above list is merely a drop in the bucket, but it's the list most people who've experienced this kind of sabotage.. would recognize.  But there's also a list that people may not recognize right away, and that one is the most insidious, and the most damaging of all.  People who do these things REALLY do NOT have your best interest in mind and, in many cases, the efforts they make ARE malicious.  If you're with a malignant narcissist then you've experienced this for sure, even if you weren't on a weight loss program.  KNOW what you're dealing with, because bettering your health is IMPORTANT, and no one, NO ONE has a right to get in your way.

The most insidious and dangerous of actions:

1.  Insisting you eat unhealthy foods, or not saying anything when you make the choice to eat something not very healthy, but making fun of you or lecturing you for making that choice.
2.  Making fun of HOW you eat.
3.  Making fun of or criticizing your body WHILE you're eating.
4.  Lecturing about how you look in your clothes or out of them.
5.  Lecturing you at the store for what you buy.
6.  Bringing 'forbidden' foods to your house when they visit (if they don't live with you) and scolding/criticizing you when you eat what they brought.  Same goes for when you're at their house.
7.  Trying to control when, what, how, what time you eat.

The above list isn't all possibilities, but they are the most common according to professionals, authors, and those who've have these experiences.  And I'm not talking about one or two people, but upwards of hundreds of thousands of people who've had this happen.  And many experts say.. it's in the MILLIONS.  All I know is that MY experiences with this have been with just two people, and I'm here to tell you that if you don't put your foot down and demand respect... those people will walk all over you.  Not only will those people walk all over you but they won't stop and will get worse the more weight you lose.  Basically, they don't want you to succeed.

You're weight loss efforts are about YOU.  And yes, you can say you're doing it for the kids or your wife/husband or your job or whatever, but what it comes down to is YOUR HEALTH.  You and your health are the biggest and most powerful reasons for losing weight etc.  I'm no expert and only talk about MY opinion and experiences, what I've been told by a professional.  So I can't TELL anyone what to do or what your personal truth is.  Only you know what's best for you, so listen to your instincts, your gut.

As for me, I'm very protective about my health, and I'm not okay with people treating me like shit, with disrespect, without kindness or compassion.  If someone wants to treat me like that.. they can hit the dusty cow pie trail and get the hell out of my life.  My last experience with that type of person STILL has negative effects on me, and I have HAD IT.

Now, it's particularly difficult to diet during the holidays, which is why most people start their diet at the first of the year.  I'm no exception.  I've managed to slip through the holidays unscathed for the most part, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the harder this becomes.  For me, it's not just about the goodies and such, it's also the depression that comes with the holidays.  It is what it is.  So be it.

Bottom line is if you go on a weight loss plan---stand up for yourself if someone tries to sabotage your efforts.  If you choose to wait to go on a weight loss plan at a later date because of a holiday or other event---Don't allow anyone to BULLY you about it!  It is YOUR choice, NOT theirs.  Please don't ever forget that, because if you do choose to put your diet off for a later date and you allow yourself to be bullied about it.. you may not get back on that diet journey for quite some time.  I'm not kidding about this.

Yes, everyone is different, but I know for a fact a few of you (and you know who you are) have dealt with this or are dealing with it right now.  And... it's NOT okay.

Be strong, no matter what you choose, and watch for those signs of those who don't have your best interests at heart.

Till next time....

The Stress Diet.

While highly effective, I wouldn't recommend this diet to anyone.  However, this whole stress/anxiety thing just seems to be an integral part of my daily life now, thanks to T, and I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

Depression isn't a good place to be (duh), and while the lack of appetite side effect SEEMS like a great idea at first, the too-deep calorie deficit WILL catch up to you and wreck your metabolism, especially if you're exercising at all.  No matter that I know how unhealthy this is, I don't know what to do about it.

'Oh, just don't be stressed or anxious!'

Well, that sentiment is pretty sound, but it's certainly not realistic.  Believing you can just turn on/off stress or anxiety is like believing you can turn on/off bad eating habits simply by saying you're going to avoid bad food and overeating.  Damn, but that would be awesome, wouldn't it?  In real life, on planet earth, we don't always get to pick and choose exactly what emotions we can have or discard.  I'm certainly not able to do that, and... I know it's not a healthy choice to even think that you can.

Just my opinion, mind you.  But if you think you can do that then more power to you.  And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

During the past month I've not been able to eat my daily allotment of Points (I'm doing old school Weight Watchers).  Every day I set out to follow the plan to the letter, but the past month I've not been able to eat all the points that I'm supposed to have, even WITH the extra 35 weekly points.  Have I lost a little faster doing this?  Yes and no.  At first I wasn't losing at all, then all of a sudden I'm dropping weight.  On one hand "YAY" and on the other hand.. I'm tired/fatigued as hell.  And my appetite is now heading upwards, with the exception of today (must've been force-fed too much hateful BS from T to leave any room for a meal).

There's a part of me that knows all too well how this will backfire if I don't get a handle on it soon, and oddly enough... my damn morning/fasting blood sugar was 124 this morning.  If I were a full-blown diabetic I'd be rejoicing that number.  But, I'm not a diabetic.  In fact, I'm PRE-diabetic, and those numbers are not a good sign.  They've crept up, those numbers, over the past few weeks, which is hella fast for blood sugar changes.  And there's no rhyme or reason as the amount of carbs etc I eat from one day to the next don't correlate in any pattern that tells me it's what I'm eating.

Fasting blood sugar shows how well the liver is working to take care of things.  Taking blood sugar readings before and after meals show how your body handles food.  As a pre-diabetic the morning fasting levels are elevated, but 2 hour post-meal levels go back to normal when they should.  Again, there are two different mechanisms at work when looking at WHEN blood sugar levels are taken.

Well, anyway... life is in upheaval, and I'm being bashed about by the storm that rages.

But hey, I'm sticking to my diet, so there's that.

Damn I'm sick of things being like this.

So feel like dropping the F bomb a few hundred times today.

Today actually began as a good day, overall, all things considered.  But like far too many other times, the second T gets wind that I'm having a good day, am happy, am smiling, joking, hopeful... like lighting his ego strikes out and ends it all.  If he wasn't hovering about today like one of those cartoon storm clouds I'd be doing an audio, because.. DAMMIT my shoulder hurts.  So be it.  I don't mind 'that' kind of pain.

I needed a couple of warm shirts to wear over the Winter.  Most of my other clothes are still too uncomfortable to wear or just not warm.  Many are just worn out and in need of replacing.  Free shipping to store with 40% off and it's an easy fix.  Ha.  So I thought.  I'm beginning to believe T is hell-bent on not allowing anything at all to be "easy" in any way, shape or form.  With coats on, a few feet from the back door, and I look outside and remembered to remind him (he never remembers ANYTHING on his own) that the newly built deck is in need of sealing.  Deck guy said seal around the 30 day mark, which is now.  It was a reminder, something I thought about as I looked out the breakfast nook window on our way out.  And that is as far as we made it.

His replay was short and as snotty as a hormonal 13 year old girl.  He lashed out, was ugly as hell about it, and transformed into the proverbial nagging 'wife.'  His words stung, struck deep, and... brought tears to my eyes.  The latter is something that doesn't happen often anymore, not since my last relationship which all but buried the good parts of me and drove them crashing inward.  But the tears came silent, without words or any other sound.  Honestly, I just looked back out the window and wondered how such a simple, benign comment would turn him into a complete and utter asshole.

Such is the case with many guys of our generation.  Damn, I should've called this entry "The pussification of mankind," because this seems to happen far too much across the board.  But enough of this fucked up generation.

He immediately followed his hateful outburst to demanding we hurry up and go because he had stuff to do.  Um.  Okay.  The conversation that ensued after is likely just a plethora of minutia that probably won't serve this 'tale' well, so.. I'll leave those details for another, less-emotional entry.  Still,  T just threw himself into tantrum mode and went with it, un-checked.  He was so lost in his own bullshit he didn't even realized I'd pretty much emotionally checked-OUT myself.  The tears had stopped, and I was left absolutely numb on all accounts and sleepy as hell.  Yeah, I recognize the signs of depression well having been here before.

Once again he demanded we leave.  I told him, as I sat there in that lovely numbness, that I was trying to find the willpower to give a shit about going.  And I wasn't lying.  This has been my reaction to most of his crap lately---going numb and just ceasing to care about anything.  I recognize that as well.  So I stood, took off my coat and went to hang it back up in the entryway closet.. with him blabbering away about something I honestly couldn't 'hear' anymore.  'Damn,' I thought... "Did I just tune him out?"  I'm pretty sure I did and wasn't aware of it at first.

I went around the house turning a few lights on, turning the computer on, and raising the thermostat so the heat would also come on.  By that point I was so cold I was shaking, and it took everything I had not to walk into 'my room,' crawl in bed and go to sleep.  I fought it like crazy but ended up falling asleep at the computer trying to watch something on Netflix.  Basically, I shut down.

He's tooling about outside, burning leaves and limbs, etc., which is really what he wanted to do all along.  But instead of being a grownup, a MAN, he chose to be a spoiled child and threw a tantrum instead of saying.. "I have some stuff I need to do, so let's go afterwards or tomorrow."  Is that so fucking hard to say?

I'm numb still, depressed still, and homesick as hell.  This is pretty much how it happens whenever he gets pissy like he did.  I begin missing the only place that felt like 'home' since I was a kid living with my mom.  Not one single place in my life has felt like 'home' until I lived in the apartment in Mobile. God I miss that place so much, MY place.  It was my sanctuary.  It was my home... for almost 13 yrs.

I can't turn back the clock.  I can't get my apartment back.  And I know 100% that this damn house will never ever feel like 'home' to me.  This place has been poisoned by a person who has to control everything including the living, breathing things around him.  I thought my peace, my joy... would be set free if we moved here, away from the city, away from the noise, and into a neighborhood that would feel and sound like what I was used to.  Well, I should've known better.  I should've known that the only way I would ever be at peace is to be with a person who is peaceful.  And I also know how vastly different "INDIFFERENCE" and "PEACEFUL" are.

An indifferent person doesn't give a shit.  A peaceful person cares deeply and strives to maintain peace through doing what's right.  How is it that so many people don't get this?  On many levels I've understood this, though I didn't make the actual comparison until the last 5 years.

Demanding peace, rejecting change, forcing change, and ignoring responsibilities (all of them, including emotional and moral ones) does NOT bring peace but chaos.  Being a control freak not only hurts the person (whether they see it or not), but it also hurts the people closest to them.

The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and this is no exception.

I'm sick to death of fighting my way past T's crap, the debris of his indifference and intolerance.  I've been here before and it stinks to the high heavens like misery.  I reject completely the idea that I have to live in a joyless life, empty and void of all happiness and possibility.

Dammit, but NO ONE deserves to live this way.

I'm trying very hard to not hate men for the first time in my life, and the ONLY saving grace I have in that is I see how my sons turned out, all good, decent, selfless men.  At least their generation has some hope.  Not so much mine.

Part II: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

...as promised.

PART I: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

Self-explanatory, yes?