The Similarities of Day to Day Life.

Or shall we call it "A life of perpetual sameness"?  Either way, I'm going to make damn sure I change this.  I have to.

I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment.  Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail.  You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent.  Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done.  "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move.  Ok.  Whatever.

He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness.  He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.

When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases.  I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well.  I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.

Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone.  Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject.  I'm getting there.  Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window.  I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem.  I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.

T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all.  But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals.  If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T.  No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.

Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways.  I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.

I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures.  But there's no reason NOT to hope.  In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it?  Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.

Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful.  And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything.  One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it.  If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other.  It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.

Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing.  Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.

As for me, I was a willing victim.  I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit.  My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for.  I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me.  I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.

I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety.  I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME.  Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become.  It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.

I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down.  I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end.  It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.

In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup.  That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me.  The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth.  I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.

This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder.  But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.

So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long?  I stayed because I was in love with him.  Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?

I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist.  If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.

The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.

To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.

I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship.  While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself.  On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.

This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have.  I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?

Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all.  This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life.  T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life.  Health problems worsen and take over day to day life.  There seems to be no end to this....

Preceding Sleep There is Music....

This is an amazing song and definitely meant for a great sound system of headphones.  I love Blue Stone... though whoever made this video chose a rather unfortunate graphic.  Anyway, here is a part of what my night sounds like...............

Finally.

I

t's not over yet.  The prednisone hell continues in SO many ways, but at least the expression of itself that comes via a voracious appetite is beginning to subside.  Finally.  Nothing is perfect, of course, and it does take some time to completely subside and return to normalcy, and I am holding on... holding on... and holding on.

I spent a bit more time in my other blogs, so I don't have much to spare here.  I just wanted to check in for those wanting more information on this whole prednisone tapering and withdrawal business.

....that's all I have.

Nausea, diet, eating... who cares?

I'm trying my best today to touch base in all of my blogs.  Don't expect something scintillating or awe-inspiring, because I can promise you... that's not going to happen today.  I'm beyond sick with Prednisone withdrawal symptoms and am waiting for my dr to let me know if I can taper slower.. to ease the migraine headaches and nausea.  It's simply just too much to handle.

I've not decided if I'm going to continue the Shakeology.  And I LOVE Shakeology.  It's not about the cost or what it is or if it works (it does), but I'm unable to even stand at the counter long enough to make a shake at this point.  It will get better.

Basically, all weight loss efforts are put aside for the moment.  Maintaining my weight will be the goal, and achieving better health is the goal.  Once I'm at a point where my body isn't being torn down by illness or Pred withdrawal, I can focus more on weight loss.  At least at this time coming off the Pred has lowered my appetite and, as of today, obliterated it altogether.  I'm guessing what I'm going through is a necessary evil I will just have to endure for a while.

Remembering to be gentle with myself isn't always easy.

Somehow, some way, I will overcome all of this.

Weak. Tired....

It's been a few days, hasn't it?  Tapering off Prednisone is kicking my ass.  I'm so weak, cold, tired, dealing with nausea.  I'm about to go lay down for a bit, cover with a snuggly blanket and try my best to warm up and feel better; I really don't like that this has become my current 'Norm.'  When, oh when, will this start to improve?  When will I be able to re-join the land of the living again?

No answer...

I just can't sit here anymore...

I See What You Did There.

You're either part of the problem or part of the solution.  Anyone who's been in a relationship knows that if there's dysfunction there's damage.  In my case there's much damage to both my emotional state as well as my physical state.  It's not hard to understand the VAST difference between "Enabling" or "Supporting," and you have to pick a side eventually, right?  So when it comes to choosing which side you're on, use compassion, care, love when making such a choice, because you can easily break someone's will when you're pushing them in the wrong direction with every move or choice you make, with every word uttered, with every action.  At some point you have to ask yourself: "Who's side am I on?"

Let's hope your answer comes from a loving place, otherwise you've just embarked on a journey that could utterly destroy another human being from the inside-out.  Think I'm wrong?  Think again!  Here's how it happens....

Now, while I should be entering this in my blog "This Free Spirit," I'm beginning here.  Why?  Well, as some of you know I created this blog for talking about health and diet-related issues, and this particular entry deals with the emotional side of the success or ultimate failure of health goals when dealing with the lack of a support system and living with someone who is hell-bent on undermining my goals.  I guess I should copy this entry in the other blog as well, because it's incredibly important to know how closely related the issues of health and surroundings are.

Ever had one of 'those' friends who can't stand it when you do something to better yourself, your life, your health, your emotional wellbeing?  I think we all have had those people in our lives, right?  Sometimes it's a friend, other times it's an enemy, and there are times when, sadly, it's a loved one.  We give other people power over us, many times without realizing what we've done.  This is often the case with family, especially with a significant other such as a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse.  The damage inflicted by carelessness, indifference or overt sabotage is mind-blowing, and it's a serious undertaking to get oneself back on track when this happens, and especially if it continues to happen.

As you guys know by now.. I'm on Prednisone, which is KNOWN for massive edema (water weight gain), fat gain and redistribution.  Knowing what to omit or avoid in your diet while on prednisone is key to minimizing it's bad side effects.  Let's visit this for a moment, shall we?  And trust me, I'm going somewhere with this.

What to avoid, limit or omit while taking long-term, high dosages of Prednisone:

Salt.
Sugar.
Junk food.
Refined carbs.
Processed foods.
Fast food.

The list of what to avoid is pretty straight-up and not at all hard to understand when common sense is applied.  So if you're living with someone with dietary restrictions, and dietary restrictions are always due to a matter of great importance.  In my case there are several reasons ranging from avoiding the damaging effects of prednisone to having a heart condition and now high BP.

I've talked to T on many occasions in reference to what I have to do and not do to protect my health, and those talks have been over the better part of TWO YEARS now.  So this is not a new topic by any stretch of the imagination.  And yet he continues to do the things that he shouldn't do, and that is to bring home ALL of the items on the "Avoid" list, and he does so on a regular basis, citing he 'Forgot' or takes the stance that he just somehow just doesn't get this.  He has a 150 IQ, so how is it he  doesn't know or forgets?

Junk food, and TONS of it.  Processed food that now fills the shelves of the pantry.  If he cooks something (and these days he does most of it because I can't stand but for a few seconds, literally) he drowns the food in salt, mayo, or anything and everything that really isn't even remotely required.  And most of the time the food is pre-packaged crap that has little to no nutritional value.  He will literally forego cooking any vegetables, even the frozen kind you can pop in the microwave.  See, this is the part where being "Dangerously dependent" on another human being means risking your life and health.

One of the most horrid places to be in life is at the mercy of another.  It requires a great deal of trust to be at the mercy of someone, and when that someone does everything possible to undermine your health, your goals for better health, it becomes a dangerous, dangerous game.  I want nothing more than to have enough of my health and energy back where I'm SOLELY responsible for preparing my own meals.  The level of stress and anxiety that comes with being at T's mercy is through the roof, thus risking my health even more.  I have no idea what to do about this.

The shelves of the pantry, the inside of the fridge and freezer have mostly junk, processed crap that offers very little nutrition and a LOT of calories.

I talk and talk, I beg and plead, I send him links to read about the effects of eating that stuff to him... links he really just ignores as much as he ignores my text messages.  Who IS this guy??

Why do I bother talking to him?  Why do I bother sharing anything with him?  Why do I bother texting him, sending him emails, etc. when they go completely unnoticed?  He will read for an hour links and such people leave on his FB page, but he has NO clue what's going on with me unless I spoon-feed it to him.  I've grown weary of spoon-feeding him information and holding his hand to walk him through every...single...step of learning anything at all about what I'm dealing with.

Does he know anything about autoimmune hepatitis?  Not really.  What he knows is what I've told him, and I can't hold a seminar for him.  If he's not going to take the time or invest anything into learning, then why should I bother?  I've mostly gotten to a point where I don't--bother that is.

So what's really going on with T?  Well, given his habit of indifference.. there's really no telling if he's just being careless, or hell-bent on sabotage.  I don't believe it's the latter, but the former isn't any prettier nor particularly helpful.

It's time I sign off, complete a couple of other entries in my other blogs and wait for the Lasix to kick-in.  This means camping out in my room so I can be near a bathroom.  Lasix, btw, is a powerful prescription diuretic, so this is going to be fun.  NOT.

Wish me luck....

Too Weak to Care.

Well, that's only partially true.  I care about my life, my health, my well-being, but it isn't easy when there is absolutely no energy or strength to deal with, well.. difficulty.  Today is a day fraught with fatigue and weakness, and the inability to make sense out of everything that's going on.  In other words, I suppose, this is just a typical day.

"Typical" has lost its meaning for me.  Is "Typical" now a significantly decreased quality of life?  Is "Typical" interchangeable with "Normal" in a way that crushes all hope of feeling better?  Finding answers to these and other questions have proven to be nearly impossible, and in the wake of confusion, in the midst of medications not working or bringing too many bad side effects on-board, while switching from one medication to the next, as my health continues to deteriorate... where in this do I apply the words "Typical" or "Normal"?  I honestly can't figure out how to do that without disintegrating any and all hope for improvement.

What a crappy trade-off.

I'm just too tired to continue typing, but I hope tomorrow will be a better day...

The Death of a Diet.

Completely convinced that I'm turning into a human sponge, today marks the first of my accepting the fact that any hopes of dieting off this prednisone weight gain and swelling is just not going to happen until I'm off the stuff.  It's become majorly apparent that I'm sensitive to it (as I am to all medications) and that I'm going to be living in the throes of prednisone hell for some time to come.  But can I handle it?

I have a new appointment to see my liver specialist tomorrow.  I had to make a call to the after hours line due to some pretty serious swelling in my face that has gotten too close to my eyes.  Not sure what it is, but I know it's alarming and NOT in the least comfortable.  Could be from being ON prednisone, could be from coming off prednisone (possibly coming off too fast), or it could be from another medication or from a new problem that's rearing its ugly head.  I've NO idea as the variables involved are came on board about the same time.

How does this affect dieting, weight loss, etc?  Well the answer is right there in my statement; prednisone.  It's a monster that's going to win every fight, as it's actually designed to do.

What the above means is basically I have to practice acceptance and patience and allow myself to not stress about what's happening, because the reality is: it's a battle that can only be won by surrendering.

If it's not one thing....

....It's another.  Such is life, right?  Enter, Prednison---and gone are the days when 'dieting' takes off the pounds and inches.  Now aint that some sh*t?  Most people have to diet while on Prednisone just to maintain weight or slow the gains.  And there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about the chubby face, etc.  Once Pred is stopped and the body resumes normal function of cortisol.. things will go back to normal.  In the meantime, I feel like freaking Violet!  Ugh!

The pic on the left is how I USUALLY look, but I can hardly recognize myself at the moment due to the chipmunk cheeks and overall massive bloating.  *sigh* I honestly feel like Violet... *sigh*

Will I get back to that same level of health?  I wish I knew.  The Prednisone bloat/weight will go away once I'm off the Pred, and I'm hoping everything will be back where it was prior.  Thing is, that photo of me was taken even while I was unknowingly in the throes of the AIH.  It's all in the eyes, too... I look tired.  But oh boy, right now my eyes are ridiculously swollen (like the rest of me), and my eyes are sunken with very dark circles.  For all practical purposes---I look like a sick person.

Will I ever look or feel well?  This is the burning question I have day to day, and as much as I set out to overcome the 24/7 hunger, eat ONLY the right things, I end up giving in at some point in the day.  It's relentless, but I can tell it's already getting better now that I'm down to 15mg/day of the Pred.

As I'm tapering, I'm wondering about how drastically my diet is going to change given the circumstances OUTSIDE the Autoimmune Hepatitis.  Low salt, low to no sugar, low fat, and possibly having to give up all the things that irritate the stomach and intestines, such as wheat, dairy (including eggs), and significantly reducing the amount of fruit I eat.  I've not been eating much fruit at all, though, which I do wonder about.  I love fruit but have lost my taste for it, and many other things, over the past several months.  Part of this, I think, is due to the medications altering my sense of taste, but I also believe that there's more to it as well.  Either way, I wonder what I'll be left with to eat once problematic foods are eliminated?

Low protein, low salt, low to no sugar, avoid processed foods when possible.  I just don't know, but it's not going to be easy to do this.

Leaning on the idea that exercise is supposed to be good for me, KNOWING this is the case for people, all the questions regarding the possibility of Myositis being one of the problems are still there and unanswered.  I've yet to get on that exercise bike because I know that if it is myositis and it's in an active stage, exercising is a bad idea because muscle wasting/damage occurs when the disease is active.  You just can't 'damage' muscles if they're already be damaged, because they won't repair.  Exercise creates muscle damage, and it's within the process of repair that they're made stronger.  This isn't the case with Myositis.  Neato, huh?  Yeah, not so much.

I'm tired of the IF situations.  Oh you've NO idea.  And feeling how weak my legs and arms are even ON Prednisone sets off the warning alarms inside, cautioning me to hold back until I have the go ahead from my doctor.  Looks like I'm going to have to see another rheumatologist as this is their territory.  I won't go back to "Dr. Mumbles."  Honestly, Dr. Mumbles really should retire.  When you disconnect from your patients and spend less than 5 minutes talking to them, when it's obvious you're pretty much going through the motions to the point where you miss significant findings.. it's time to retire.  It's just time to retire.

Well, it's that time of day again... when my energy begins to crash and my limbs become impossibly weak and tired.

I'm out of here.. for now.

The Provocative Power of Cake.

King Cake.  If you live in the south, especially along the Gulf Coast, you know what this is and how it tastes if you get it from the right bakery.  But I'm here to tell you that the devil himself is in this colorful confection, and it has the magical power to lure you in with promises of heaven.  LIES! lol No, seriously... it's really really a BAD idea to have King Cake around when you're watching your diet closely.  Dear God, but T has yet to listen to me about this stuff!

Now, the King Cake in the photo is a little different than the traditional version, which is more a coffee cake than an actual cake.  But, I liked the photo---So there's that.  Now, if you're fortunate enough to get the cream cheese AND pecan-filled version, then you're in for a REAL treat.  But be warned, if you get it from the wrong place it may leave you disappointed.

Anyway....

So T brought home a KC last night.  OMG.  Help me!  I had a piece and am sure that there's crack in these things.  It's gorgeous, beyond tasty, and really something you should refrain from having around when you need to limit sugar and the like.

Today is a challenge with respect to eating better.  The devil's pastry is STILL sitting in the kitchen and I'm exercising GREAT willpower not to simply eat every last bite!  No, I'm not going to eat it, but I have to say I'm not very happy that the temptation is in there to begin with.

DAMN the forces that conspire against me!

Oh screw it!  Laissez le bon temps rouler!

That Deleted Post

Okay, as you long-time readers/friends know, I often delete posts.  The last one is a bit too sensitive, so I decided to delete it until I learn more.  Yes, it's health-related, but I don't know anything about what it actually MEANS right now.  Best thing, imho, is to just let it be until I have a better understanding about what I'm dealing with.

If you read the entry before I deleted it, then you know what I'm talking about.  Given that, once I learn more I'll update.

Sheesh.

I really need a nap.  Seriously.  Life just has to get easier than this crazy rollercoaster I'm on at the moment.

That Last Nerve

I've spent the better part of my morning researching ways to obtain the OLD weight watcher's materials.  Not THAT hard to find, mind you, but people apparently think their stuff is worth a fortune, with some asking as much as $124.00 for materials that came FREE with a $70 membership.  I guess they've caught wind that the NEW WW plan... rather sucks.  Okay, fine.  But seriously, gouging is really really tacky.  Yeah, I'm sitting here a little irritated that I HAD those materials and gave them away in 2013.  Hindsight... ugh.

Due to the prednisone I'm on (and trying to taper off of now) the best I can hope for by following a weight loss program is to avoid gaining too much weight.  That's not a typo.  Even if you diet and exercise like crazy on prednisone.. you'll still gain.  Yes, some people don't, and that's usually the younger folks who are taking prednisone on a shorter-term basis and have those fabulous younger metabolisms.  In my case, I'll be lucky to not gain while dieting.. because many people have.

Looking around on eBay and Amazon I was able to find a couple of kits that, while not complete, still have enough of what I need to get by.  Seriously, WW shouldn't have messed with something that was already about as perfect as it gets.  So why do they do this?

From what I read, WW likes now likes to come out with something 'new' and 'improved'... just about every new year.  Now, I have no issues with keeping in line with new research etc., but to simply change something that works just to lure more people in is, imho, a total disservice to customers who are relying on WW being that 'diet' and 'isn't a diet.'  As their new plan stands now... it's difficult, chaotic, and people are finding it extremely frustrating and difficult because it just doesn't fit into everyday life like it once did.  This means standing at a work or holiday function near the carrot and celery sticks while everyone else there feasts on the good stuff.  No really, it's true.

The old WW would have you eating what everyone else is eating, only in moderation and/or using your 'weekly' points.  Why on earth did they change this when they had to know it would be more difficult to fit WW into their lives realistically?  And the worst part is that some say they're simply not losing or losing well on this new plan.

Oh, and don't even get me started on their new web site!  I've never seen such a chaotic mess with missing plugins, missing buttons, and mincemeat navigation.  There's a lot of discussion in the forums regarding how frustrating site navigation is.  It looks like WW went for 'pretty' rather than 'functional,' and it's a shame because members are already frustrated as hell with the new plan.

I have to say that what started as a 'go get 'em, tiger!' attitude turned into my wanting to scream at the top of my lungs in frustration.  Okay, maybe the whole screaming thing was a bit of an exaggeration, but I can say with 100% certainty that WW has gotten on my last nerve.

Ugh.

The Sound of What's Within