When you find yourself saying "I'm a light sleeper"...

Until the last few months I really had no idea or understanding of what that phrase actually means.  To someone who is chronically tired, falling asleep during the day, and just not feeling well at all, those words come to have a greater meaning upon discovering that being in a state of 'light sleep' most of the night can have serious consequences, especially over the long haul.

I can't tell you how many times over the past 15 years I've said "I'm a light sleeper."  My kids are grown with kids of their own, but I remember as far back as the 70's, when my first son was born, how I would wake up quickly and thoroughly when they would make even the slightest sound.  It's 'mother's intuition' or 'mother's hearing,' as some call it.  But in the last 15 years I've come to accept this 'light sleeper' thing as simply remnants of that 'mother's hearing,' due in part to the fact that this works with my pets as well.  Just the slightest sound, especially when it sounds 'wrong'... I awaken.

Over the past 6 years or so, at a guess, my sleep patterns have gotten significantly 'off,' leaving me to awaken at ANY sound.  A car passing by my house, the sound of neighbors' voices, rain, thunder, someone just being awake in the same house I'm in, someone using the restroom... I can't really think of much that WON'T wake me.  And very recently I've come to discover the effects of this sort of sleep is cumulative and damaging.

Several months ago I purchased a machine called a ResMed S+ at Bed, Bath & Beyond.  ResMed is the company that makes CPAP machines and masks, and they made this device to help people measure the quality of sleep, help them fall asleep, and also to help them improve their quality of sleep.  What I discovered by using the S+ surprised and shocked me in many ways.  Using a scoring system, with 100 being the best score, I realized just how poor my sleep quality was.

Then I saw a pulmonologist who ordered, among other things, a sleep study where I discovered I have mild sleep apnea.

While the S+ couldn't tell me if I stopped breathing or how many times, it did measure REM, Light, and DEEP sleep, as well as how long it takes me to fall asleep on any given night.  The score is presented each morning.

The image at the top of this entry is a recent score from a couple of days ago.  This is not the worst score I've gotten--not even close.

As you can see, my DEEP sleep is incredibly short at 16 minutes.  That's BAD.  It should be closer to 1 1/5 hours.  REM sleep, on this particular night, isn't all that bad, really, as I've seen it as low as 15-20 minutes.  And LIGHT sleep always seems to dominate my sleep--also not good.

During light sleep a person is actually aware of their surroundings; sound, light, movement, etc.  And yes, this is why some people wake up easily--because they stay mostly in a state of LIGHT sleep.  This is not restorative sleep, btw.  REM mostly restores the mind, and DEEP mostly restores the body.  It's all quite important.

Again, what this machine does NOT show is the little awakenings, cessation of breathing, and other neurological events like restless leg syndrome, even teeth grinding!, which often comes with sleep apnea.  What it does actually show, however, is how many times I woke up completely and totally.  A person may or may not know they woke up every time, depending on how tired/sleepy you are.  So what's so telling about this?

Well, in MY case, as this ONE example shows, I woke up 8 times in one night; I've had many nights where this number has been as high as 14.  And remember, this is not counting the micro awakenings or cessation of breathing.  However, a sleep study has a very complex system of monitoring so that they can find the micro-awakenings, cessation of breathing, and so on.  In mild sleep apnea, for example, events happen 5-10 times PER HOUR.  In severe sleep apnea this can happen hundreds of times per hour.  Mild or severe, this can cause hypertension, heart attack, and stroke.

Basically what this means is---if you find yourself telling people you're a light sleeper, if sounds, movements in the bed, etc. wake you easily, and especially if you have symptoms of sleep apnea, you may want to consider bringing this up to your doctor; It could actually save your life!

In my personal case, I was actually quite amazed at how i felt after the second sleep study I had using a CPAP machine.  I felt pretty darn good the following day.  And while I'm having issues with my skin being tender and sensitive to the mask, etc., I know I'm going in the right direction.

Sleep apnea can cause heart arrhythmias such as Atrial Fibrillation--which is known for causing stroke.  Sleep apnea can also cause various other heart conditions including, but not limited to, congestive heart failure.  And if THAT isn't enough, do know that it can cause weight gain, muscle fatigue, back pain, joint pain not unlike that which comes with arthritis.. and more.

Do you snore?  That's a tell-tell sign of sleep apnea, btw.  Tired, sleepy during the day, snoring at night, fatigue... please listen to your body.

Post-Haste Nutrition

Well.  Sort of.  My first scheduled IV iron infusion is this week (Wednesday), and I'm curious to see how my body will respond to this much-needed treatment.  While so much is going on, a bigger part of me is intensely hopeful that this, and addressing other issues, will be one of the biggest turning points with my health and happiness (or lack thereof).  And trust me, if you don't have good health, having any happiness is something you have to actively seek.  I believe happiness should just 'be.'  Sounds overly simplistic and unrealistic at first, but all of us know in our heart of hearts that this is exactly the way happiness works.

Dare to dream, dare to move, dare to question absolutely everything that's going wrong; this is what I'm doing now.  Even I know that I can't rely on infusions to create happiness.  But it's a great place to start.

Clearly my approach with my health has been with the very best of intentions, and the progress of uncovering what needs correcting has been revealed to a point that I have some direction to follow, finally.  There on the horizon I can finally see the sun.  My next step... is to feel the warmth.  THAT'S when I know I'm getting there!

Another recent event was the sleep study, which revealed central sleep apnea.  Some speculation has been made that my low vitamin D (which is actually a hormone, btw) is causing a chain-reaction of health issues.  Funny thing, though, is that a simple correction of Vitamin D levels won't do the trick. So I'm also having to embark of the sleep apnea thing, and it seems as if it's all very related.  No matter, I'll just be a nice, compliant patient and follow all rules of treatment with regards to the sleep apnea, iron deficiency, and vitamin D deficiency.  As for the lung issues, heart issues, etc... well those will have to wait until my next appt with my pulmonologist and cardiologist.

My goal is to resolve the issues, get my energy back, and work like hell to get back on top of things again.

As for the f'd up relationship issues, those will be addressed by T, or I will continue to allow what comes naturally; self-preservation.

Stay tuned, because once the post-haste nutrition (IV iron infusion) is administered, and all other treatments are underway, I fully expect to find my courage to FINALLY speak bluntly here again.

It will happen.

Have you seen my alter egos?

.... I think they're playing a disturbing game of hide and seek.  Just kidding!  For the sake of clarity, for anyone new to reading the entries of this blog, my 'alter egos' is a reference to my other blogs, ones which I try to update as often as possible.  At times, I copy and paste the same entry as the first blog I began with, but I try very hard to post what's relevant to that blog.  Trust me, my blogs aren't supposed to be created equal. ;)

You can find the Alter Ego links in the menu bar on the side of the page, if you're curious and new to my blogs.  And why do I have other blogs?  Basically, they were all set apart for specific purposes; dreams and wishes, passions/life/desire/health, and the transient things that, by their very nature aren't always meant to sustain themselves in my life, or... at times... on 'the page.'  Naturally, all of the parts make up the whole, so overlapping is common and necessary sometimes.

I have to admit I've held back a lot over the past few months, whereas in the past I've pretty much unloaded here.  I won't go into why I began withholding what I really wanted to write, but the experiences took hold and held on for dear life.  It wasn't my intention for things to go that way.  But they did anyway.

My goal going forward is to find myself in a place of trust.  This will be a process, because my past being what it is, well, it's just going to take some time is all.  I'll get there.

Boo's Juicy Bits, and the Return to Focus

This blog began as a ways and means to talk, often with humor, about health, wholeness, eating, thriving, living, body/mind/soul, and sometimes to share the naughty side of me.  It's gotten WAY off-track over the past few months due to declining health.  Well, those health issues are being addressed, and treatment begins today/tonight.. and next week.  At least with regards to the issues of sleep apnea and iron deficiency anemia.

Getting back on track with posting and sharing here is going to be a major switch in some ways, as I've had to focus far too much on doctor appointments, treatments, and so forth.  But I think it's time, you know, to get back to the part of 'living.'  Doesn't mean I won't have moments where I vent about my relationship issues, dreams, passions, and the like.  It just means that I think since I'm on my way to resolutions for my health issues... it's time to focus on what's ahead.

It just makes good sense.

So what's next with diet, exercise, vibrant physical, mental/emotional health?  Well, that's just the thing.  Tonight will be the first night I use a CPAP machine, and I already know the one night I used it at the sleep center.. I felt quite different the following day, and I returned to my usual fatigued, miserable self the night after WITHOUT the CPAP.  I see much hope in that.  And with next week being the first treatment for the iron deficiency.. I'm actually getting excited about seeing things improve over the days and weeks ahead.  This is going to be a journey of my life, really.

As my focus shifts to hopeful events, positive outcomes, and anticipation for those things not yet addressed (lung and heart issues), I will also have a lot more focus here.

It's about time, isn't it?  ;)

PART 1: IV infusion... here's to more energy and lack of major symptoms?

So I got the call yesterday that my labs confirmed the iron deficiency and that I will be scheduled for an IV infusion.  It will take about 30 minutes for the infusion (not bad), and another 30 mins for observation for any reactions...which can be quite severe/dangerous (anaphylactic shock).  Then I have to go for a second treatment one week later, then it's observation from there to watch for any declines in ferritin, and also to see if the levels are increasing to where they should be.

I'm really hoping this will take care of the awful fatigue and other symptoms, which may not be all due to the ID/IDA with all the other issues going on.  It will be nice to have my body temp in a more normal range where I don't feel as if I'm freezing all of the time.  My temp at the doctor's office yesterday was 96.0*F.. it's been running very low like that for some time, I'm assuming, from the ID/IDA.

Let's just say... these are all steps in the direction of obtaining better health.

Dear Subconscious... SHUT UP!!

These dreams.  You know.  I've talked about them in past entries.  They're always quite memorable.  They don't leave me be but haunt me throughout the days, nights... in far too many waking moments. They arrive, unbidden, though I do admit to having contemplated the why's and wherefore's of their appearance.  Especially now.  Maybe because of now.  Not one damn answer as to why....

Dwelling on these dreams isn't a 'thing' with me, and most of the time it's just this haunting feeling I get... that eventually eases as the day, or days, go on.  The intensity of their message(s) increases with each subsequent dream, and I just don't know what to think about them.  It's just freaking weird.

Dear subconscious....  SHUT UP!

Infusion Confusion and Various Other Junk and Stuff

One step at a time.  How many times have I said that statement?  Well, I'm still in the process of figuring things out.  Or, at least the doctors are figuring things out.  Either way, though progress looks slow, it's still progress.  I'll take it.

Saw the hematologist this morning.  He ordered new labs to re-check my ferritin level so we can proceed with addressing the low iron/ferritin.  The levels have to be re-checked to confirm that the problem is still there, and if it is (which he suspects) he wants to address it with IV therapy (iron infusion).  It will take 2 treatments, one week apart.  Then once the treatments are done my ferritin/iron levels will be monitored over time to make sure it doesn't begin to drop again.  They won't have my lab results back until later this afternoon, and if it shows low ferritin again.. they'll make an appointment for the IV infusion.  Could be worse!  Some folks have to have an actual blood transfusion if it gets too bad!  Mine isn't that bad, thank goodness.

Pulmonary issues still to go.  Have to do the breathing test, which I'm assuming is because of the "Mild, scattered scarring" in my lungs.  Which I don't understand at all and try not to think about too much.  It's all still up in the air at the moment as to where my pulmonologist will take things.  We will see.  Just hoping the chronic cough I have is just the low iron.

Still in the wait-and-see phase.

Now... about those damn dreams again!.......

The sound of my voice--just one presence in the world

To be heard---is not a difficult or complicated request.  And the weirdest part about not being heard is then when you take a moment out of your life to listen to your own voice, you find a unique opportunity to connect with your very presence in the world.  Now, before you confuse this with being self-absorbed or a narcissistic "Need to hear your own voice," allow me to put it into perspective and context.

Perspective, Context, life!

Take a moment and read a poem out loud to yourself.  Only to yourself.  Listen carefully to your voice and imagine your voice not ever being heard again.. not by you, not by anyone.

Listen not to the words, but to your voice.  Do you hear both the subtle and distinct sounds and nuances that make your voice completely unique?  When was the last time you even thought about your voice?...?

Is your tone soft, clear, muted, or resonant?  Do you hear emotion as you speak, and if so... what is it in your voice that tells the world where you are, how you feel?

Your very breath is in your voice...

What do you sound like?

So many people take this for granted.  That deep disconnection from self is more evident when you sit alone in a quiet place and listen to the sound of your own voice.  Poetry...or words from your favorite novel... what does it sound like when you recite them?

After you've read that poem, or those chosen words from a book (make it meaningful).  Now, stop talking and listen to the silence that follows...

....Stop talking and listen now to the silence that follows.  That is the absence of the sound of your voice...

Think about it.

That soft echo of one small voice

It's funny what we take for granted, isn't it?  At a frazzled pace we go through our lives not really paying much attention to the really little things until, that is, we're at risk of losing them.  I'm no exception to this.  For example, seeing photos of Colorado, Wisconsin, Minnesota, or the California coastline.... showing a brilliantly blue sky with puffy clouds... well, that seems vital to me right now, somehow more relevant than it had been.  I've been to those places, lived there actually, so seeing photos depicting what memories I have brings all my current needs to the surface in a quick and fierce rush that leaves me breathless.  This is no exaggeration.

That life, MY life, seemed long ago, and I now wonder what this ghost, held still by this mortal coil, would do if I simply set out to revisit what I long for and miss.

It's been a fury of dr. appointments, tests, taking lab reports, CT reports, etc. from one place to another, more paperwork for appointments with new doctors.  It's a responsible thing, you know, to ask for copies of your lab work, any imaging done, etc., because it's on-hand should you ever need it. I've known this, so it's nothing new for me to pick up or request to mail such reports.  Many times I'm surprised by what I see, and most of the time it doesn't really have any great effect on me.

I loved my anatomy and physiology classes in college---LOVED them.  So my understanding of some physiological systems is pretty good, if I do say so myself.  And, like most, I probably know enough to get me in trouble, but also enough to keep me from panicking.  I often laugh at that fact but never take it for granted.  That's a good thing I suppose.  Maybe.

Reading a CT report is pretty straight-forward, and as long as you understand certain language, terms, and have a baseline of education, you can actually glean something from what you're reading.  And hey, if there's a word or term you don't understand, the internet is a great place to find quick definitions.  The danger of this whole internet thing, however, is looking up specific phrases, because while you can get an idea of what that phrase means, you don't know how to apply the information.  This is where the doctor comes in.  Most people either ask the doctor to clarify once they've put themselves in a state of panic, or they allow the panic to wash over them and focus on "what it all means."  As for me, again...I know just enough to get me in trouble.

One thing I have that can also work for or against me is the amazing ability to read between the lines (accurately), and to put pieces of a very complex puzzle together.  It's my spidey power, you could say, and one that has often helped me a great deal in quite a few situations.  Do know I say 'spidey power' with amusement. ;)

What it all boils down to is this:  I pay attention.

So as I'm reading the last CT report (chest CT) I'm seeing things on the report itself AND recalling certain phrases the doctor used.  My last appointment was a follow-up to my CT.  The details that come to mind as I read the CT report are the doctor's demeanor, his mention of two specific things he wants to do next, and also.... what he didn't say.  And it's not just the recalling of information but how the fit together that makes me raise an eyebrow.

--  Mild, scattered lung scarring.
--  A couple of other findings that the radiologist couldn't determine if they were more nodules or more scarring.
--  The main pulmonary nodule having something attached, "A tubule," that the radiologist could not determine if it is an impacted bronchus or a vein/blood source 'feeing' the nodule.  Will need CT w/contrast to determine which it is.

The report is more detailed than that, but that's the gist of the main findings.

So there's the findings in a nutshell.  And then the doctor says he doesn't know what to think about the tubule attached to the nodule.  The nodule has only grown slightly so probably no real concern re it being cancer.  I'm low-risk anyway since I've never smoked.  I grew up in a house, however, with a HEAVILY chain-smoking mother, so not sure if that changed my risk or not.

Now, the impacted bronchus could be anything, so "Lighting it up" as my doctor calls CT with contrast may be the only way to determine exactly what's going on.

The lung scarring... he didn't mention, but he did say he wanted me to come back and get a Pulmonary Function Test (PFT).  Been through these before, so I know what's involved.  He was hoping my echo report contained my pulmonary pressure since, in the past, I've been shown to have mild pulmonary hypertension.  The echo didn't evaluate that at all.

In many ways the lung scarring concerns me more than anything.  A lot can cause lung scarring.  Sometimes the scarring is 'idiopathic,' meaning of no known origin... and this is not what anyone wants to hear.

I'm not willing to say what I know about the results, because I will leave it up to the doctor to determine what it is and what's next.

So what do I do about what he didn't say?  That's the question.  I guess I will just try like hell not to focus on that.  It's glaring, what he didn't say.... and I wasn't about to ask.  Most would have, but I was just.... not wanting to go there.

Irritating not knowing what's what.  No one likes the waiting game.

In the meantime I simply long for something I can't even put my finger on.... wanting to revisit WI, MN, CA...

You found a what?

Well, yesterday's appt did NOT go the way I expected.  At all.  Not.  At.  All.

So I went for my follow-up appointment with my pulmonologist yesterday, mostly to discuss chest CT and sleep study results.  The minor part is that they found 'mild sleep apnea.'  Ok.  Then he went on to discuss the lung nodule...and something else they found on the CT.

Doctor F stated that the lung nodule was slightly larger, but it also is "Very strange looking."  He went on to explain that there is a "Tubule" attached to the nodule that the radiologist says "May" be due to an impacted/clogged something-or-other-that-I-can't-rember due to my inability to sleep work a f*ck!  Sorry for the potty mouth, but it's true.  Anyway, the nodule is odd and he said he has to "Think about it a bit..." and may possibly do another CT scan, only with contrast this time.  He's not sure, because he doesn't know what to make of the findings.

Then he said there is another nodule... 1.9 x .5 cm... in my breast.  Well K den.

Next week I have to have another mammogram, and they're insisting they MUST have the last one that I had first, the imaging.  I'm a little spooked by this.  No one is telling me the characteristics of the nodule, and now I understand why the imaging center flat refused to give me a copy of the report... that was finished the day after my CT.  Normally.. I have no issues getting copies of lab or imaging reports.

I also have to see a hematologist (possibly) for the anemia, because the colonoscopy and EGD did NOT show any causes of the anemia.  I will start Rx iron pills today or tomorrow, though.  Hoping I can tolerate those.

Now the big, fat, giant wait.  Again.  Seriously?

I'm nervous about the mammogram, obviously, but the worst part is T's attitude.  He is just mostly put out because I wanted him to give me a ride there, to be with me while I have this screening.  He basically complained, meaning it was an inconvenience.  I simply told him, never mind... I will take myself!  I certainly don't need some whining, self-absorbed, watch-checking complainer coming with me on THE SCARIEST and most stressful test to-date.  Mr. Indifference needs to keep his distance, because what I need right now is far from whining, complaining, etc.

Yes.  It's time to be a little pissed about this.  And I am.

Dammit!!

So what of the heart, home, a place where my soul can feel uplifted, rejuvenated, allowed to grow and breathe and soar?  Dunno.  Still waiting on that one, I guess.  Dealing with the anemia is a start.  PC doc is referring me to a hematologist to see what the cause is.

Dammit again!

*sigh*

Where this will lead... eventually

Note:  Remember, if you're seeking to know all that's going on with me... don't forget about my other two blogs... All Things Ephemeral and Where Fireflies Dream.  See the bar on the right for the links.

Okay.  So, why is this blog vastly different than what I set it out to be?  Easy to explain that one-- my damn life got complicated and things ended up in a tangled mess.  They still are, but... since this blog is basically about health, heating, and diet/way of eating... you can't really have those things addressed in a static background that includes no signs of life.  What I mean by that is... your attitude, actual health, quality of life (or lack thereof), emotions, personal environment, emotional state, and more.. has EVERYTHING to do with success or failure.

History keeps it all in check.  There is some documented history here of where I began and where I am, both all important to the end result.  It's really quite simple in that the journey is still the journey, no matter how many paths I've strayed onto while heading in a particular direction.  Nothing is EVER a straight line in life---until you die. ;p

I'm still on the path to improving my health, to finding myself again, to reclaiming what is mine (my life).  I may have stopped to rest on occasion, but I'm still on that journey and will NOT give up until I find that momentum, the right path.  Progress, no matter what it looks like, is still progress.

I don't see any reason to think that I won't be anything but successful in this.  I will be.  I do need to exercise patience as I deal with the Iron Deficiency Anemia, Grade 2 Diastolic Dysfunction.  But I can do that.

... Sorry to cut things short here, but I'm utterly exhausted.

More later.....

A Steady Diet of Dreams

Making the rounds through my blogs.  Forgive me if I repeat myself here, but after posting on Where Fireflies Dream and All Things Ephemeral... well, my energy drains to nearly non-existent status.  The biggest culprit is the Iron Deficiency Anemia I'm dealing with.  SO freaking tired and getting worse by the day.  God, please... don't let my Dr. just give me supplements, because I really do believe finding the CAUSE is going to be the key to my healing.

Diet alone won't do it, even if I'm eating a ton of red meat every day (which I will NOT do).  A ton of anything diet-wise is not going to fix this.  Never does.  So supplements aren't going to either.  That's a given.  Idiopathic iron deficiency anemia is never that...because there's always a cause, always some underlying condition.

So instead of living life, the symptoms are kicking my ass.  The only thing that even resembles 'living' are the dreams I have at night.  Hell, even those are becoming too much like RL in that I'm now tired in my dreams.  WTF?  smh

I'm too damn tired to type anymore.

Crap.

*sigh*