Saturday, January 2, 2016

I see what you did there, Obama, and I'm not okay with it.



I warn people there's a RANT ahead.  Consider yourself warned, my friends.

No matter where you live in the world, I'm betting you know we're not in full-swing election mode... and the butthurt is strong.  Hey.. it's politics; can't really come out of the other side unscathed, so you have to put your big-girl (or big-boy) panties on and grow thicker skin.  Nature of the beast, my friends.  Nature of the beast.

We choose a side and sometimes change that stance as more information comes to light, GIVEN that the information isn't a steaming pile of political dung.  Media, oh yeah, they're somewhat the great shovelers of said dung, and given THAT... a smart individual will take everything with a grain of salt and seek out the most COMPLETE version of the story.

I support Donald Trump.  I won't apologize or explain my choice, because at this point there's no need.  The man's entire life has been in the public eye nearly ALL of his life from young adulthood and up.  Nothing new to see, nothing new to find, except that it wasn't popular to hate Donald Trump UNTIL he scared the crap out of the establishment and decided to run for the presidency.  Wow, right?  Hate-born of nothing more than a choice to run for office; a by-product of left-wing lunacy.

But my point here isn't to talk about the why I made my choice and am sticking with it 100%.  The point of this entry is to express my complete and utter bewilderment at the hate that spews from people, liberals, who are scared shitless that their free handouts might actually not be free for long, or that they'll somehow be required to do something utterly insane---like WORK for a living.

So the hate spews forth, and instead of focusing on supporting who they WANT to win the nomination for their side, they choose instead to bash the most likely opponent.  Um.  Really?  How does that help exactly?  It doesn't.  In fact, many liberals/democrats have switched sides because they no longer want to be affiliated with what, for every measure, is a chaotically organized hate group.  Sorry, but not sorry.  It's the truth.

What's even worse are is the BS from people who don't even live in this country, are not US citizens, and who have absolutely NO SAY in who we elect.  No offense to anyone who's a non-US citizen who reads this, but we know what's best for our country.  You can't bully or shame us into doing what you want.  It doesn't work that way and never will.

The current administration is a travesty, a fraudulent front of epic proportions.  Obama has all but destroyed our country and has taken GREAT pride in pushing his agenda of diversity.  Every month, sometimes every week, there's yet another BS move planned on his part to do whatever he wants to do without restraint, without listening to what the people want, without batting an eye at the long-term consequences of his wielding of power that he has virtually stolen.  He doesn't have the power he's using---he's TAKING it.

All the establishment talking-heads, all of them flailing about as the money rolls in from super pacs, all of them turning from real boy to pinoccio as the puppeteers pull and tug on the strings, while they dance and flail below the maniacal smile of ownership.  They are owned.  They accept the millions given to them and they're bought and paid for.  It's how it works.  They're loyalties are tied snuggly to those who handed them the goods, and the greed is the cement in which they step, willingly.

Donald Trump can't be bought.  He's self-funded, and he doesn't take any shit from anyone.  Few who hate him know anything about him.  Based on nothing but what they may have read on FB memes, or maybe cut, clipped and distorted comments, they don't bother to read his books, listen to the rally's he's given (can stream them or view them afterwards on youtube).  Based on BS they allow the lies to infest their already hate-filled minds and hearts and... they become blinded, enraged, and out of control.  All sense of order, logical and healthy thought-processes...GONE.  Just like that.

They've drank the blue kool aid willingly.

Most importantly, the hate is rampant in this country.  I don't mean just towards candidates or sides, but people have turned their hate on one another.  Division--brought about my Barrack Obama and his sociopathic ideals, tendencies, and needs.  Even as this country falls into disarray the libs continue their propaganda of hate, intolerance, and even self-loathing.  They can't seem to help themselves.  They just can't seem to stop.

This is the democratic machine in perfect working condition.

People refer to this as a sickness, illness, even lunacy.  Maybe they're right.  And I'm not saying everyone on the right is sane, mind you.  You'll find lunatics in just about every corner and facet of society.  Humans.. what can I say?

So what about this lunacy?  Well, it's barely controlled rage, really, hatred dug in so deep that they're literally blinded by it and fail to see anything even remotely reasonable.  Such as supporting a candidate who's lied her entire career, repeatedly, tried to cover up the truth by destroying evidence (and got caught), and was responsible for the deaths of soldiers (Benghazi).. for starters.  This candidate, Hillary Clinton, IS the so-called "war on women," as she defended her husband, Bill Clinton, when he was accused of raping women, etc.  So much for her fight agains the 'war on women.'

Their other main choice of the libs is Bernie Sanders--and they're supporting him while attempting to call Donald Trump a "Fascist."  Um, well, first of all... I'm embarrassed for them, for starters, because they've NO idea what fascism is.  I can only shake my head at this.  Bernie the socialist, the guy who they like because he promises them money for nothing, promises to give, give, give and claims it will all be.... free.  Free?  There's no such thing as FREE anything!  Someone pays for it, and it's the working class citizens who do.

Free stuff:  Now for the record, let me make one thing perfectly CLEAR: Conservatives have no problem with giving social aid to people who actually NEED it.  I'm not EVEN going to go into the millions of people who literally ride out their entire lives, able to work, but choosing not to in order to get free money, food stamps (EBT), and free medical.  All the while those who are struggling to make ends meet continue to work to pay for those who refuse to work.  NOT okay.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch....

Donald Trump has spent his entire life giving opportunity to people, including women... who hold most of the highest paid positions in his companies.  His goal is jobs, income, returning the jobs back to the American work force so people can reach for the 'American Dream,' which Obama has spent his time in office trying to completely destroy.

Most of us are pissed off, fed up, and are speaking out.  Many of us have had a change of heart because our eyes were finally opened.  I'm one of those people!  I was raised in a Republican household, but I chose the democrat side early on.  I even voted for Obama THE FIRST TIME because I was utterly stupid.  I can admit how easily I fell for his pack of lies, false promises, and his ability to schmooze people.  I had that glass of kool aid right up to my mouth, too.  Difference between me and most liberals is that I FREAKING WISED UP!  I pay attention, and I'm good at it.  But I was brainwashed into the whole liberal agenda when I was younger and voting age, and it came about mostly because I have a soft heart and hate to see people suffering and in need.  I grew up very very poor, so I understood the struggle and hated it with all I was.  What I failed to understand is that there was another way of thinking, one that put ME in charge and not the government.  Better late than never, here I am in a complete turn around.  I can thank Obama for that one!

I also admit that prior to Obama running I'd become completely disillusioned by politics, politicians, and even the voting process.  I believed that my vote didn't count for anything, and that not a single politician had my best interest at heart.  I didn't see or hear anyone speaking to or for ME.  I didn't vote, and I told people this: "I'm afraid that who I vote for will win."  Says it all, doesn't it?  I didn't trust anymore.

When Obama schmoozed the public with saying and doing ALL the right things, acting in a fashion that people called "Presidential," I began to wake up and pay attention again.  When he spoke of 'change' I erroneously believed him.  He was very well practiced, had superb speech-writers, and I chose to believe that those had to be his own personal words and that he meant them.  I woke up, but I didn't know it was to be in a nightmare that would span 8.. very long years.

The bewilderment set in when the promise of health care looked like a real possibility.  I was sick, very sick, and I eventually was unable to work.  Long story short, "Obamacare" did NOTHING to help me at all.  Ending up in a hospital twice meant my credit cards were maxed to the limit to cover the bills.  Out of work with no savings I struggled to pay them off and, a few years later, I'm almost there.  My health insurance actually came about due to a marriage.  yeah.. Obamacare helps no one really.  I was broke and unemployed, sick and had dangerous heart problems no one could or would help me with.  Obamacare for most people.. is a complete failure.

But we have bigger problems than the Obamacare disaster.

Obama, in his last couple of years in office, has set his sites on dividing and destroying this country, and he's incited the weak-minded people to take up this fight FOR HIM.  He doesn't need to do anything but light the fire under the already smoldering ground...

And he did.  And he continues to do so.

In the background, around the rest of the world, people are clueless as to what's really happening here.  But I know.  We all know.  Those of us in our right minds anyway...

In a full turn-around from a little over two years ago.. I switched parties to Republican/Conservative. I won't be going back.  The poison is now out of my system and I see things for what they really are. Funny thing, too.. a lot of other liberals have switched.  We can at least thank Obama for being stupid enough to open our eyes.

Yes, I know this is a long entry, and for those of you who stuck with it and read... thank you!  It had to be said.  I had to get this off my chest.  I'm tired of the same ole same ole, as many of us are.  We're done with politicians, done with the insane hate from the left, done with the rest of the world bashing us because they think they know what's happening here.

If you do live in another country, beware of the media lies, the deceit, because we DO NOT have unbiased media here in the USA.  It's always been slanted, but over the past couple of years, and especially with this run for presidential nominees... the media has literally been turned into chaotic works of FICTION.

Please, before you decide to hate Americans, or to hate Donald Trump, KNOW that you CANNOT trust the media 99% of the time.  Remember Trump has been in the media eye, the public eye, for nearly ALL of his life, and that it's only been since he decided to run for president that he's become popular to hate... with the left-wingers.

It's a good rule of thumb--- "Hate what you KNOW, NOT what you THINK you know!"

If you've made it to the bottom of this... thank you...


Thursday, December 31, 2015

Recycling the old year anyway

New year, new beginnings... something people talk about when it's time for the calendar to change to the next page.  Why do people set themselves up like that?  Whatever drives you, I guess.  As for me, I've stopped prescribing to new year's resolutions and promises that I'm not 100% sure I can keep.  I mean, once you've let yourself down it's not the easiest thing getting past the ole "Dammit, I failed" self-talk.  Even if we don't say it out loud or think it consciously, it still rattles about inside for a bit.

No resolutions for me, thank you.  I'm going to do a life resolution and give myself permission to not reach that goal in any particular amount of time or in any particular fashion.

So I will now focus on simply recycling the last year into the next and giving it new purpose, a new chance.  Why not?  Why wouldn't I give myself that gift?  It costs exactly nothing and has a higher chance of actually being successful.  Think about it.  Giving yourself a do-over IS possible.

Reach for it.  If you grasp air, reach again.  Keep at it, because contrary to what some will tell you life is a damn process, not a static decision we make each day.  We're alive.  Period.  Get it?  We. Are. Alive.  It's already done for you, and all you have to do is participate.

Get it?

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Fun Stuff and the Continued Muddle of Health

So, on a high note today.. I got an Apple Watch.  Pretty cool little gadget, and I really needed a watch.  Made perfect sense.  Came in a HUGE box, so (like my iPhone 6 Plus) I've dubbed it my "WatchASaurus."  Opted for the rose metal sport watch with the gray band and really like it.  Chose the larger face to make things easier to work with.  I'm happy with my choice, even if I did get startled terribly when it finished syncing and vibrated on my wrist. lol  Small price to pay, right?

I guess the next step is to make sure I have the Apple Watch app on my iPhone... apparently that's needed.  So that's the good stuff so far today.

The rest of my day--pretty mundane, and I believe it's due to the drop in prednisone.  See, I told you this stuff shouldn't be used for just any ole inflammation problem.  The sides (side effects) are terrible, but if it gets the job done then so be it.  Todays lovely side-effect addition: Depression.  Seriously.  WTF...

It basically just comes down to dancing with the devil and hoping you don't trip.  Prednisone and Eliquis (blood thinner) is a bad combo, but one that can't be avoided.  It's just all part of the package, and I have to learn to be watchful and careful while on Pred.

Strictly speaking, I know some of what I'm up against.  What I dislike at the moment is dealing with it alone, because I'm seriously confused and remaining a bit in denial in some ways.  Without anyone to really talk to about it, I'm just floundering about trying to find my way.

Really wish T would just step out of the way, because he isn't going to get his shit together anytime soon, or at all.  I've gotten mostly past the point of caring, though.  If I'm on my own, he's on his own as well.  He doesn't LIKE that idea, but it's true nonetheless.  It's time, still time, absolutely time for me to take care of myself, put myself first.. for the very first time in my life.

This little chick cracks me up. LOVE her attitude.

The Last Of The Mohicans by Alexandro QuerevalĂș

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Changing the Dialogue to "Yes, it's okay to focus on ME."

Crossing entries on my blogs are simply until I catch everyone up to speed with what's currently going on in my life.  Once that's done the entries should be focus-specific to the blog... Thanks for hanging in there with me, folks.

I don't feel like writing another entry.  My body hurts, and putting AIH into remission is going to be a bitch.  But I have to allow myself that time, you know, to heal, to mend, to just be okay about how this needs to evolve.  It isn't comfortable saying I'm going to take care of myself.  I've spent my life as a mom, so caretaker is really the only title I ever knew.  As a child, my emotionally absent mom who preferred psychological torture and punishment, made it so even then I knew deep down that all I had was me.  Somehow, I made it.  Somehow that child survived.  And somehow.. I will continue to do so.

I'm fighting like hell not to lay down, to give in to the discomfort and pain, fatigue and sluggishness that began returning with the first taper-down of prednisone.  I'm fighting that, because if I don't... it will win.  And I can't have that.  So what I'm doing now is continuing to reassess where I am and planning a strategy that I know will help me.  Some of this I can do on my own, and some of this I will need help to keep that forward momentum.  T would be instrumental in that IF he were plugged in, here in the present, and not mired in doing the bare minimum required in life overall just to get by.  How can someone that unmotivated be so successful financially?  Don't know.  What I do know is that I'm mostly on my own, and that means all focus for healing must be spent aimed in the right direction.

Remission is the goal.  Feeling GOOD, even GREAT is the goal.  Being happy, healthy, inspired and excited about my life... THAT is a goal.  MY goals.  No matter if I have the actual stamina at the moment to make it all happen at once, but I can't give up.  What energy I have will now be directed solely at taking care of me.  I have to.  My survival depends on it.

I know what I need.  I've always known what I need.  There have been a couple of people in my life who decided THEY were experts on what I need.  And they were and ARE completely WRONG.  I knew this then, and I know this now.  My approach now is to listen to myself, because no one is an expert on me.. except me.

T has no idea what I need.  He's not horrible, mean, nor hateful (well, except on a couple of occasions when he chose to be an asshole and regretted it).  He is, in some ways, worse than 'mean.'  To me, indifference towards another person, not SEEING them, HEARING them, and unplugging because you're lazy is far worse in many ways.  But I'm not going to focus overly on that, because my point here is that he is of no help.  I have ME.

I've had to say it out loud, my truth.  I've had to say the words that make it real so I can take every measure to improve my chances and LIVE.

I have an autoimmune disease.  The one I have attacks my liver, specifically, but wreaks havoc throughout my entire body, leaving much damage in its wake.  I have Autoimmune Hepatitis, and I will have this disease for the rest of my life.  I don't have all  of the answers.  I don't know my specific odds just yet.  It's too soon with treatment for me to know anything but what I feel and experience daily as I strive for remission.

How long will remission last? Unknown.

The odds are great that most with AIH will relapse within 12-24 months, and with a second (or multiple) relapses prognosis becomes more grim.  I know with a second relapse I will be placed on an immunosuppressant, and most likely for life.

The drug that helps me hurts me.  But it's a necessary evil, because the alternative is early mortality if this isn't treated quickly and appropriately.  This is an aggressive disease that requires aggressive treatment in most cases.

There is a chance, a good chance, that I will never ever feel 100% like myself again.  There will be good days and bad days, and I won't be able to predict which days will be which.

This disease can and often does cause secondary problems, such as pulmonary.  I have to accept the fact that this has already occurred.

I have portal hypertension, and though it's mild at this time, it points to the presence of liver damage. I will believe, until told otherwise, that this damage is mild.

I wasn't told I have fibrosis or cirrhosis.  I will accept that as confirmation that I don't have those problems.  Yes, I know that this 'don't ask' policy I've taken on is a little silly.  But I'm sure my doctor would've told me it were the case if I had either.

This inner dialogue is what I live with now.  My constant mantra as I taper down the prednisone has returned to: "I can do this!  I can do this!" as I go about my usual daily routines and chores.  I talk myself through everything.

I miss that first week on Prednisone, when I felt the pain subside, my energy return, and my thinking clear.  I don't know if that feeling of returning good health is something that will return.  I don't know much of anything at the moment.

I understand that what little information that is out there for this disease simply isn't enough to help me understand what's happening to me.  I'm confused and need answers.  But there simply isn't enough out there for me to glean any real understanding of this situation that has radically changed my life.

I'm told I have the "Type 2" variety, that mostly effects young women... but can happen to older women too.  Type 1 is rare enough, but Type 2 is even more rare, and often with a poorer prognosis as those patients, patients like me, often don't respond well to treatment protocols, have partial success, or quick and multiple relapses causing further liver damage.

I know diet doesn't help, it doesn't heal, it has no effect except in the case of salt intake and cirrhosis. I don't have cirrhosis, so I'm not sure how much salt will effect me if at all.  I can't turn to diet to fix this.  Nothing will fix this.  Treatment is management of the disease, as there is no cure.

I understand that NOT treating this disease brings early mortality, so I'm planning on sticking with the protocol, even if it does bring on board unpleasant side effects.  Weight gain, etc with Pred is a given.  Been there, done that, and one struggles terribly after coming off to take this corticosteroid weight gain off.  But.. I suppose choosing life and some weight gain at first is better than death.

So be it.

The dialogue in my life has changed.  My inner dialogue has changed with the circumstances, and I have to learn how to deal with T's insensitivity where I'm concerned.

...which is another entry for another time.

That Love/Hate Relationship with Prednisone

Look, without a sense of humor, a life-long/chronic illness can steal your joy. ;)

Christmas is done, and the move into the new house is 99.99% complete.  Just a few items remaining at the old house at the moment, mostly due to the need to make room here so one doesn't feel hemmed-in.  While the move itself wasn't 'that' bad, it became a little easier when I began the first week of Prednisone--a drug I'd had to use in the past for something else and learned to both loathe and love equally.  This particular drug honestly needs to be held in reserve for the most extreme of circumstances.  The side effects of using and withdrawal are usually brutal.

How quickly those first couple of days became something to remember-but in a very good way.  My energy changed within 2 days, and nearly all of my symptoms ceased.  But the timing of this drug is tricky as one begins on high doses, then tapering to lower until remission (in my case) is obtained and held.  For the record, remission can take from 12 months to 2 years, depending on many factors.

So there I was in absolute heaven, though not feeling 100% it was SO drastically different (how I felt) that it instilled such hope and anticipation as to how much better I just knew I'd feel by the time this month of high-to-low dosing would take me.  Well, things changed quickly just a few days ago as I tapered down that first 10mg.  Dammit.

40 to 30, 30 to 20, 20-10, then 5mg for another month before the follow-up appointment.  That is, until within about 2 days of that 10mg taper I can crashing down HARD.  Phone call to the doctor and he moved my followup appointment from March 28th to January 25th, and he said to go back up to 35mg/day for a couple of days then to the 30mg.  So far, it's not taken much of the edge off the symptoms.  Ugh.

Sitting, standing, laying down, you name it... all very difficult yesterday and today.  And I've had some things to deal with on the computer most of the day so have been sitting upright for a few hours at a time.  And BOY does my upper right abdomen hurt.. all the way through to the back.  I'm really hating this at the moment.

That's where things are basically.  Wish I had more energy and stamina, was in less pain... so I could talk about all the other stuff.  But I have to listen to my body and go with what I know.  It's rather time to chill for a bit, regardless.

More to come...

More to catch up on...

Damn, crazy life...