How To Destroy Angels - A Drowning (with lyrics) [HD 1080p]

Ever-Wondering Why I Bother to Give a Damn

It was a long holiday weekend filled with packing, moving a few loads over to the new house, and lots of anxiety having to be around T for that long.  I'm not being mean here, I assure you, but the magnitude in which he's "just not there" is ever more apparent when we're around each other too much.  And honestly, it drags me down and wears me out beyond words.  Not sure how I can handle this much longer.

I try very hard to be patient and understanding, but it's nearly impossible to feel those things when the other person is simply not trying at all.  I'm a ghost in my own household (notice I didn't say "home"), and the weight of being absolutely trapped is taking a tremendous toll on me both physically and emotionally.  Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

He's supposed to go visit his family in Florida next month, and no.. I'm not going.  By choice.  I'm simply not up to that long drive right now, and honestly... I really need the time alone; maybe I'll be able to breathe for once.  I'm a little scared I'll like being by myself much more than I realize.  Though it really wouldn't surprise me...as I crave space, peace, breathing room, a place to stretch these broken wings and try and remember what it feels like to fly.

...It was another weekend with my pointing out all the ways he tries to control me, how he treats me like a child, how he doesn't respect me... and as always it falls on deaf ears.  Oh, he vehemently INSISTS that he understands what I'm trying to say to him, that he gets it, that he will try harder, and so on..and on..and on..and on.  His words mean very little to me anymore, and his WORD... means even less.

I can't rely on him following through.

Honestly, I could understand his not being able to follow through on some things if there were a REASON.  But there's not.  He simply just... doesn't.  And it's very telling.

In the meantime I try desperately to hold on, to remember who I am, to remember my dreams, wishes, hopes, goals, and to remind myself that my needs matter too.  I also have to work on not being completely rolled over by him when he does this; and I have to say it's nearly impossible.  I mean, let's face it---I'm not the toughest person, and I'm sensitive to both people and environment.  And my environment right now is NOT conducive to happiness, joy, OR healing; three things of which I need desperately in my life.

How the hell did I get here?  Rhetorical question, really.  What I should be asking myself is 'How did I get here AGAIN?!'

Okay, so truth be told I'd have to say I HAVE asked myself that question and know how I got here again.  I'm not in the awful places that I've been in the past with relationships, but this one isn't healthy for me at all.  So what do I do so that I can thrive, live, and be able to breathe in my own space?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

And I'm working on that...

I am.  I have to.

HAVE to.

Results but no answers

First off, I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!!!  No matter what's going on in our lives and the world we still can find much to be thankful for.  :)

Okay, so the CT w/contrast results came back and, well, it shows a few unsettling details.  Not entirely frightening or anything, but a little unexpected and confusing.  Naturally, I have to wait for my follow-up in January to get answers regarding the findings on the pulmonary function test, and as well as the new CT findings...

So, I get my copy of the CT w/contrast results and am encouraged at first by the word "stable" with regards to an enlarged lymph node... 1.7cm x 1.1cm at this time... but then I realized that the word you really WANT to see in lymph node findings is "reactive."  Basically reactive means due to an inflammatory or infection situation.  Ok.  The radiologist's report said to watch and follow up with other investigations.  I'm honestly, to tell you the truth, not all that concerned with this particular finding.

Still showing mild, scattered scarring, but below are a few new findings...

"There is a small amount of new and some slightly larger left pleural nodularity at the same level posteriorly and medially and also anteriorly..."  Will say more about this in a moment...

"There are a few areas of left pleural focal thickening that are new in areas and slightly larger in other areas, including at the level of the above-mentioned LLL nodule.  These can be reassessed on a short-term follow-up CT to see if they persist."

Mostly I'm not happy about the pleural nodules, nor about the pleural thickening.  So, I guess the saga continues as to what is what and what is to be done, if anything.

Results... but no answers.  *shrugs*  I'm not going to focus on this.  Being aware is the most important thing.

Guess that's all I have to say at the moment---packing and moving things to the new house.

For now... just breathe... :)

Cardiac Catheter Results: Changing Life from the Inside Out.

Most of you know the issues with my heart.  For those who don't, here's a basic rundown for clarity:

Mitral Valve Prolapse since childhood.
Mitral Valve Regurgitation.
Grade II Diastolic Dysfunction.
Mildly thickened Mitral Valve.
Mildly calcified 'other' valves.
Mild regurgitation in 'other' valves.

I finally received the results of the Cath I had last week, and it shows the Mitral Valve regurgitation to be moderate-severe now.   Two years ago it was mild-to moderate.  One year ago it was roughly at moderate.

So far I'm told that they will continue watching to see if it remains steady, or if it worsens further.  Further worsening could mean valve replacement.

All other issues remain as-is, including the Grade II Diastolic Dysfunction.  This will be watched with yearly echoes.

What does this mean in lieu of the ongoing symptoms?  I don't know just yet.  With today being the day before Thanksgiving, I will most likely hear about follow ups next week.  My guess is that it will be a watch and wait situation as it's been for years now.  In terms of symptoms, I still don't know my CT results, what my pulmonary doc wants to do (if anything) about the mild COPD, nor do I have my liver biopsy results back and what, if anything, the results could mean.

All is up in the air, and I've no idea why getting results back is taking so long.  My GI specialist has had my biopsy results back, but they've not discussed them with me.  I called the other day and the person on the phone knew exactly who I was when I asked for my results.  They have them, but they've not contacted me about them.  Ugh.  I really just want to hurry up and cross stuff off the list of things to keep dealing with.

Holidays, the Non-Gift Giver, and the Joy of Giving Gifts

Sounds so cliche, doesn't it?  In a time where 'black friday' means people literally trampling each other, sometimes to death (yes, this has happened) to get to the 'best deal,' I can only shake my head and wonder what things have come to, why people are focusing SO heavily on 'stuff.'  I have no problem with the whole 'Christmas package,' meaning the tree, the trimming, the gift giving, the music, and all the little traditions most of us remember from childhood.  I LOVE this stuff.  And for the record, this isn't a religious discussion (I'm Catholic), so I won't be touching on THAT aspect of the season.  Just so you know.

Gifts.  Depending on the person gifts can hold different meanings, different associations, and have very different affects.  Some people are very hard to please and require expensive gifts, while others are quite content with small items with big meaning.  I fall into the latter category.  To me, a well-thought-out gift is worth more than all the jewelry, diamonds, or money in the world.  If someone where to give me a crazy, unique, or spooky stuffed toy... then they've given me gold.  I'm not that hard to please.  Having said that, what about those who live with someone who isn't a gift-giver?  How does that work?  Well, that depends too....

Know who you're with.  Sounds easy, doesn't it?  Well first off let me say that for the sake of this conversation we're going to talk about men--men who aren't gift-givers and what it means.  DO know that I fully understand and am aware that there are women like this out there, but the majority tend to be men.  Women are rather hard-wired for being people-pleasers.

Know who you're with.  You can't really choose a meaningful gift if you don't know who it is you're buying for.  Well, you can sometimes come close by focusing on trends for particular age groups and gender.  But that's outside of the scope of this conversation.  If you know who you're with, then choosing (or making!) a meaningful gift is a no-brainer.  All it requires, really, is for you to actually give a crap.  Blunt?  Yes.  And there's no reason not to be blunt.

Respect who you're with.  THIS is the key, folks.  THIS is what makes or breaks relationships.  It's more than an ideal, it's a necessity.  If you don't respect WHO you're with, you're doomed, dude.  Plain and simple.  Might as well give up right now, because that relationship isn't going to last.   And if it does, it will be one miserable time for all.

Respect is the foundation for every single relationship in your life.  It doesn't matter if it's home, work, family, friends, or enemies.  If you have genuine respect for someone you're going to be pretty damn close to being on-target with just about every situation with them.  I promise.  The only time respect on YOUR part won't work.. is if that person doesn't respect YOU.  But that's another talk show.

Respecting someone for WHO they are, and this is very important, means you KNOW who they are and ACCEPT them for who they are.  If you don't get this, you're screwed.  But getting back to the point--when it comes to gift-giving it's not about YOU, the giver, it's about THEM, the receiver.  A gift isn't something you do for yourself, but something you do for another.  And it's utterly shocking how many people don't really get this.  Now, is there something in it for you, the giver?  Of course! And that, my friend, is a very personal thing, so I'm not going to go into that here.  But giving a gift is NOT about you. Know this first and foremost.

It's okay to make a mistake.  For lack of a better word, I'm using "Mistake" for clarity and understanding.  Even if you know someone well, you can choose the wrong gift in some people's eyes.  Get that?  In SOME people's eyes.  I'm also not talking about people who don't APPRECIATE a gift, so let's not focus on that, because it too is another talk show.

You get the wrong size, wrong color, a music cd of a band you think she liked.. only to find out.. she hates them.  It CAN and DOES happen!  But the difference is.. how many times does it happen?  A couple?  And is it really an honest mistake on your part--because she's going to know.

If it's an honest mistake, a good woman is going to know.  If it's carelessness, she's going to know.  If you put NO thought into it (here's where knowing and respecting that person comes in), she's definitely going to know.

But if it's truly an honest mistake... it's okay.  Either she'll be sentimental and suck it up and keep the gift, or she will exchange it.  So.. how you react to those things are up to you.  Just know that it's REALLY not a big deal.

I can't say I see any gift as a mistake.  Well, if you buy me men's cologne.. then yeah, that's a huge mistake. lol  But for the most part, the effort speaks for itself.

The guys who aren't gift-givers.  Now this is a big one.  And a complex issue.  So I'm going to attempt to not make even more so.  Some guys aren't big gift-givers, but they show love in meaningful ways.  I mean, how can you fault that?  You can't.  Tenderness, care, compassion, friendship, being a good listener, being a strong support system for whatever is needed, and being her biggest cheerleader.  Oh yeah, those things... are worth more than gold.  And if you have that, CHERISH it with all you have!

The flip-side to this whole gift-giving thing is what's often lost on some guys.  YOU may not be into it, but if SHE is, then why not participate in something that brings her joy?  I can't speak for the situations where 'she' wants excessively expensive things, but I can say that for women like me, who are happy with the little things, it really wouldn't take much effort to make Christmas 'super cool.'

I'm with someone who isn't a gift-giver, and there are other issues that overshadow that.  BUT, it would take very little to make Christmas an absolutely lovely affair.  But T doesn't really feel ANYTHING about the holidays, outside of a religious nature that is, and so I'm left to putting up a tree and decorating by myself.  This wouldn't be such a big deal if T appreciated any of it.  Last year the tree was decorated, as well as a couple of rooms, and he walked through the door and noticed not a single bit of it.  It was a surreal and strange experience, and one I'm not willing to go through again.  So this year, I'm decorating for ME.  What this means is I'm decorating the tree and house the way I want to.  Well, given my health isn't kicking me in the ass too much to actually decorate.  Just know this, guys, when things get to this point, when she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

When she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

I'll let that sink in a moment...

There are men out there that literally have no appreciation of the gifts given to them, the time, effort, money, etc. put into choosing just the right thing.  Seriously, guys. even if it's inexpensive, it should still be meaningful and memorable by you.  Some guys show their utter lack of appreciation for gifts given to them by actually FORGETTING WHO GAVE THEM THE GIFT!  And oh yes, this happens.  In my own experience... I gave a gift to my ex, a bear, and he GAVE IT BACK to me a year later.. as a gift!  He 'thought' he'd bought it.  But I actually had/have photos of when I chose it, purchased it, and took it home.  I hand-delivered this gift to him, and he didn't even remember who gave it to him to begin with.  And to make matters worse is---his 'shopping' in the stuff he had around the house to find me a Valentine's Day gift.  Wow.  A hand-written love letter would have blown me away, and it would've cost nothing but a few minutes of his time.  *sigh*  Guys... don't do this to your wife or GF.

If you're a guy who isn't a gift-giver, consider trying to do that for her.  Maybe it doesn't come natural to do that, but it can become a sweet habit if you simply... practice.  Don't have the money to buy her a bouquet of flowers... buy ONE!  Buy a rosebush and plant it for her (the gift that keeps on giving).  Whatever it is you do, put thought into your choice, make it say "I know you," "I see who you are and I love that about you."

Thoughtful gift givers put actual thought into the process, don't overly focus on cost (staying within budget, though) but on choosing something that fits that person, watch for clues as to what might be the perfect gift for that person, plans ahead--doesn't rush out at the last second and choose whatever's easiest, and makes their choice from the heart.

Not a gift-giver and unwilling to try?  If you simply can't be a gift-giver, then at least get out of the way and let her buy her own gifts.

It's really simple when you think about it.

Okay, so.. there was this 'ad' on FB about something called "My Social Book."  Curious, I checked into it and discovered that it's actually a company who makes a hard copy of your FB experience! lol Well, at first I thought.. naaaaaaaah.  But then I read some comments others made about it and thought I'd give it a look.  Glad I did, actually.

One can spend a tremendous amount of money getting this book made, depending on how far back you want to go.  The limit is about 500 pages, which can cost a bit over $100.00..  however, you can get the smallest version for roughly $20 + tax. And that's exactly what I did.

I opted for the soft-cover version to save money, but it's actually pretty nice.  You get to choose your 'cover' and pic you want on the front, and you have some control over what's printed, and YOU choose the time frame if you're doing more than one year.

It was kind of funny, parts of it, and other parts are sweet....

Overall, I'm glad I did this. :)

I mean, how can you go wrong remembering all the stupid, hilarious memes you posted, right? hahaha  But seriously, there's more 'substance' there than what shows on this particular page.. which I chose because I found the contents hilarious.

Either way, I would actually recommend people doing this if there's anything you want to place in a keepsake.  I'm really digging mine and am considering getting one from 2013, and maybe one from my old profile from back in 2010, 2011... just not sure yet.

Oh, and your stickers and emojis also show up on these pages.  I mean, pretty much everything when it comes right down to it.

Again... very glad I did this.

No regrets.  :D

My prayers are with France....

You know, I've been warned NOT to post here about controversial topics, and for the most part it makes sense, really.  Because my blogs aren't about politics or policy.  But I'm pretty damn pissed off at the moment... at our lazy, incompetent president.  He's a piece of shit, and we all know it.  But what really angers me is that he would immediately display the rainbow colors on the white house to honor gays... and as the entire world lights buildings with the blue, white and red colors of France... the white house remains.... indifferent.  What the hell, Obama????  WTF is wrong with you???!!!????

Thankfully, many buildings have been lit with the blue, white and red, and even here in Montgomery I've noticed flags flying and half-staff.  There are even electronic billboards displaying the French flag with #PrayForFrance at the bottom.  So what gives, Obama??  I suppose you're as cold and indifferent as they come, as we've come to know you.

But we Americans ARE with France, and we're praying for you.  We stand by you!  Know this.  Even if the embarrassment we call 'President' is a POS.

God bless France!  God be with the world during these terrible times.