Life. Food. Oxygen. Determination. And good old fashioned letting go.

There's been a few times in my life where I had to make some really difficult decisions.  In those times it was absolutely necessary for my health and well-being to take those uncertain steps, but because I did I ended up on the right side of life... MY life.  No longer at odds with that which seeks to crush what and who I am I was free to live life the way I was meant to---my way.  It didn't mean I ended up rich or famous, it simply meant the burden of other people telling me who and how to be was no longer an anchor on this particular ship.  And it was a most beautiful thing to experience.

Sadly I find myself in that unfortunate circumstance again.  But at least, this time, I recognize the beast for what it is.  The next steps are fully mine to choose and implement.

Having been on prednisone I have to deal with the S*L*O*W process of healing my adrenal glands and waiting out the unpleasant effects.  This means being patient with myself about the weight it put on me.  All the dieting in the world can't thwart the effects of corticosteroids but at least I'm on my way and focused on what needs to be done.  I know where I am where where I need to be.  Unfortunately, T is on the opposite side of that fence lining the road to my goal, choosing to stand on the outside and basically attempting, in a passive-aggressive manner to trip me along the way.  WTH, right?

I've always been in my best health when eating clean, and that means food as close to nature as absolutely possible.  And, it's also one of the cheaper ways to eat if you're careful.  At this time it's really not about the cost of eating healthy but being forced to battle against someone who puts convenience over health.  Honestly, it's a source of utter contention when those confrontations arise, and oh but they do arise.

Fighting for my life:

In my current circumstances I find myself at the mercy of someone who literally doesn't care that eating poor quality, unhealthy food is positively dangerous for me.  Without going through the list of 'ills' again let's just say that eating pre-packaged, frozen, processed garbage (and it is garbage) is only going to deteriorate my health more rapidly than any disease process alone.  And I have to ask myself at this point---"What am I willing to surrender?"  The answer is always the same--I'm not willing to surrender ANYTHING when it comes to my health and quality of life.

Although there IS a huge part of me who's given up recently, and mostly because chronic pain, fatigue, weakness, nausea, etc., etc. has simply worn me down to the bone.  My will and determination ebbs and flows from day to day so erratically that I can't stay the course, so to speak.  Every day I find a little determination and motivation, and every day I give up.

I FEEL my body's struggle within.

My attempts to explain and convey this to T falls always on deaf ears, and this many times is where I give up and let go.  At that point what little energy and hope and determination I have recedes completely leaving me so exhausted that I have to sleep.  Many times, though not always, a short nap can restore me.  I guess just allowing my mind to cease battling against T's refusal to understand how critical clean eating and living is... well, I guess it's the only restoration method I have.

I understand full well what I'm facing here.  Even in the physical condition I'm in.. if I don't eat right, clean, healthy... I'm simply spinning my wheels.  The stress in and of itself creates and exacerbates the existing problems which also doesn't help.

What do I do when I can't drive right now (because of my arm.. possible torn rotator cuff) and can't go shopping for myself, when giving a list to T when he goes to the grocery store only means he returns with over-processed food and junk (desserts, etc).  What do I do?  These foods also don't sit well with my gastrointestinal processes (to put it nicely) and almost always makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm severely lactose intolerant, but these pre-packaged foods often have sauces in them that contain milk and cream.. NOT good at all.

I know what I need & what I must do to help myself heal.  I'm not claiming it's going to be a miracle cure or anything of the like but it IS necessary given the serious health issues I'm dealing with.

I'm alive.  I need to eat clean, healthy.  I need to exercise, to 'breathe.'  I'm determined.  But T isn't.

So at what point do I let go completely and insist on saving myself?  Why on earth is my life even up for debate?

I'm risking much by making the choice to stop taking medications, but it's critical right now as the side effects I believe are taking me out at the knees.  I have 3 more to come off of and.. I WILL.  But that's not enough.  Even I know that much.  I have to do so much more, including eating healthy and exercising even if I feel I can't.  Overall it's quality of life, not quantity.  Either way, destroying my health further from the inside out is about as foolish as it gets.

So tell me---how does one talk to someone who's deaf to reason these days?

Rhetorical question.

Chicken, fish, salad, cooked veggies, fruit, yogurt, and minute amounts of non-white/processed whole grains.  Seriously.  Is that really too much to ask???