Above and Beyond the Beautiful: Food, Diet, Health.. or something else?

Life.  My life.  Not a single iota of it makes any sense to me.  But I am aware that there is great beauty in the world, natural wonders and love that runs deep and steady; they just don't exist in my current place in life.  Chronic pain has its effects, and when it's relentless all meaning of things once important to me slips away.  I don't include my children, etc. in this, btw.  But the meaning of my own life has turned dull and gray some time ago, and my current situation is key to holding that dullness in place, steady, and keeping me in emotional shackles.  Finding my way out of it all has become all-important.

Worrying about my current state of health isn't to say I'm scared of diagnosis, prognosis, etc. as much as I fear not being able to LIVE, to feel good, vibrant, energetic, and to reach for and achieve that which is so important to me.  It's not the ability to live that scares me---it's the inability to live well and happy.

I currently have no quality of life.

I have to decide from day to day if I have enough energy and am without pain enough to even dare to dream of the future, what I want and need in my life, where I want to go and how I want to get there. The physical pain is now all-consuming and the backdrop to every single event (few as they are).  How I get from the beginning of the day to the end is the only thing I can focus on.  How well will I sleep if at all?  Will I be able to sit, stand, walk, or lay down comfortably?  Will I be able to eat with the constant queasiness and nausea?  Will I be able to tolerate having T around me?  Will I be able to handle his indifference, self-centeredness and self-serving behaviors?  So many questions I have to answer every day and every night, and too many times I don't have answers, nor solutions, no cures or fixes, and no method of coping if not.

To be brutally honest, there are days when I know I would welcome going to sleep and not waking up.  The pain, the physical pain... is that bad, and mostly because there is absolutely NO respite from it, not even sleep.  No respite at all, not ever, not a moment.  I don't understand it, and no doctor has yet to determine the cause or find a solution.

I just have to get through today.

I just have to get through today.

....just today.

Is it my diet?  My attitude?  Will nourishing my body in a healthful way help me at all?  How do I convince T of what I need to do to get well, to thrive, to LIVE???!  Ultimately I have no control over most of what happens in my life since T came into it, and I believe it's time to put my foot down so that I can put myself first, for my health, my LIFE.  I'm not going to make it very long with things as they are, and I'm not going to heal and acquire health if I don't take precise steps to obtain that.  Why is he so resistant to my getting well????

I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.