Listening to those guided whispers

Spent the majority of last night listening to music.  To quiet those whispers within that speak wether I want them to or not, even in sleep.  Sleep...always there in the shadows of a small room with tall windows.  Life's graffiti splashed upon the walls.  So much color there, moving by candlelight.  It's only memories, sometimes animated in dreams.  An unwilling passenger on a ride destined to never end.  And yet I'm here, finally, opening my eyes, stepping closer to those walls to see.  I just want to see.  Afraid to see.  I want to turn, to squeeze my eyes shut.. tight.  To run.  To run.  Because it's all there in full-blown color, splashed, swept, carefully drawn.

Careful.  Don't look.  Just don't.

The ups and downs of a f*ckd up appetite

Not mincing words here.  Just telling it like it is.  On TWO medications for stomach pain/issues/possible duodenal ulcer, and I find that it's messing heavily with my appetite.  Well, my appetite has been affected by whatever havoc is happening in my GI tract anyway, so this isn't all that unusual.  Day to day I have NO idea what I can eat, IF I want to eat, or if my appetite will be through the roof.  Yay.  Not!

One minute disgusted by food as it hurts my stomach, and the next... no holds barred!  Ridiculous.  But I know that IF it's true that I have an ulcer, an empty stomach can cause much pain.

Does eating REALLY need to be so chaotic and risky, though?

I mean really?

It is what it is.  Go figure.

For now, I'm off to review paint samples for the kitchen walls and trim.  At least it's something positive.

*sigh*

Laters, taters....

Changes. Big, big changes....

To be honest, I can't post much as I've purged pretty much everything on my other two blogs (link to those are in the menu bar under "Alter Egos").  But I thought I would at least check in and talk a minute about the diet, etc.

Diet is blown all to hell and back.  The health issues make it impossible to eat low-fat or low-carb or even low-cal.  At the moment my GI specialist, whom I saw for the first time yesterday, thinks there are some major things going on... possibly autoimmune hepatitis, Myositis/Polymyositis (scary!), Duodenal Ulcer.  He's almost 100% certain that Myositis is the main problem, but he's confirming with other tests.  In the meantime, the wrong diet could set things off terribly, especially with regards to the liver.  Dieting, losing weight.. causes a bit of stress on the body, especially the liver.  Your liver has to be healthy to handle certain diets, and with the jury still out on what's what 100%... I have to sit in diet limbo, and it's almost impossible to not gain weight right now, probably due to muscle loss, possibly due to Myositis.  Aldolase is significantly elevated, and that means muscle damage (or liver issues). Doctor believes it's muscle damage due to Myositis.

Still eating a plant-based diet, no meat, and plugging along in that respect. Cannot exercise, no matter daily attempts, due to the pain and fatigue in my muscles.  I still try, no matter what.

Please check out my other two blogs for the entire discussion on this, mostly Where Fireflies Dream...

Must go...

Have a great one, all...

The taste of life, of health, of... freedom.

Life, freedom to be myself, to express who I am and indulge in my passions for art, photography, animals, photography, reading, or anything I choose.  There is nothing sweeter, is there?  Nothing at all.

That craving for the sweetness of a life fully lived---it happens when you're in an emotional deficit, when everything you attempt is met with argument, indifference, and someone else's utter need to control you.  Me in this case.  Let's just say it like it is.

Freedom is necessary and vital for me right now.  I have to survive a few things going on with my health, issues that have yet to be only somewhat identified.  Less than a week and I see a Dr., one I hope will have the answers, or at least have the determination to get to the bottom of things.  Healing requires freedom, the absence of any outside, controlling person or people.  It's critical for healing, having the freedom to be yourself fully and to breathe.  To breathe.

I can't breathe.  Who can when someone is standing on your oxygen supply?

All the healthy food in the world won't help if you can't breathe, when someone tries to control your life so completely that the walls close in.

I just want to step out into the sun and dip my foot in the lake.

Does anyone get at all what I'm saying?

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus, "Dig"

Music.  It's been the backdrop to my entire life.  Every song I love, and even some I don't, has a memory attached.  Playing those songs is like flipping the switch on... so I can see my life in increments, set to music.  It's not a bad thing.

The videos I post on my blogs aren't just some random, ill-thought-out entries to which there is no meaning.  On the contrary.  They very much have meaning and often expose parts of me I may not be willing to in any other form--at least at the moment.

I'm sure not all of you watch/listen to them.  And that's okay.  No harm, no foul.  But you do miss out on what's going on in my head when you do.

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" is from the song "Dig"..by Incubus.  And it has relevance for  a couple of reasons.  1.  The person who shared it with me first.  2.  The lyrics.  It's okay to not understand this or even care about what it means to me.  This is a blog, a journal of my experiences, thoughts, feelings, rants, wishes, dreams, etc., and I don't expect at all for anything to read here and get who I am or what I need or...

I need to get off the computer and do something else.  IF you're at all inclined to listen... the entry below this one is the song.  But not just any song....  And this song.. isn't about who you might think.

Emotions being what they are often haunt my dreams at night.

Incubus - Dig